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I know this us MN, and I recognise that not all men are gits, and this has been said many times...

(14 Posts)
44SoStartingOver Sun 27-Jan-13 19:22:33

...but my god, so many men seem to be astonishingly selfish and cruel.

I know a reasonable mber if people, and the women seem to commit to their marriages, work hard, and generally do their best. Their husbands and partners seem to mess about, get far more out of relationships than they give and often make stupid decisions .

I knew a few decent men, but tbh, even they get a better deal from their partners.

Is this part of the whole misogyny thing?

Forgive if a
Bit squiff and mournful - have had two glasses of wine!

Shybairns Sun 27-Jan-13 19:26:04

I know many peter pan esque selfish gits. The thing that keeps my faith is my Dad and my brother. Both amazing honourable genuine men.

VBisme Sun 27-Jan-13 19:27:07

I think there is a skew if you are reading the relationship boards, no-one going to come on and say "my BF is wonderful, he looks after the kids and me brilliantly and I don't have to raise a finger".

I'd say of all the men I know, it's probably a 60:40 split between the ones that I think are lovely guys and clearly are as, if not more commited to their families than their partners, and the ones that I think "could try harder". (That's not to say they aren't nice guys, but I think they probably aren't as commited to their partner and kids as they could be).

izzyizin Sun 27-Jan-13 19:33:38

Misogyny and male chauvinism have a lot to answer for.

As do women who tolerate misogynistic and chauvinistic spouses/partners and allow their male dc to follow suit.

amillionyears Sun 27-Jan-13 19:38:32

I know a lot of nice guys [well, as far as you can tell looking at any marriage partnership, and those that are single], but I am under no illusion, that there are more than plenty of the other sort too.

44SoStartingOver Sun 27-Jan-13 19:57:56

I have been married for a long time and my Dh is a good sort, but a flawed human, like anyone. But I think it is about a 20:1 git to gitess ratio.

It is almost as if the women commit to the family unit whereas the men enjoy the unit and the benefits it brings but are more willing to abuse it, or sacrifice it got a new version.

TotallyBS Sun 27-Jan-13 20:07:57

If you were to poll guys you probably find that the git:gitess ratio is the flip side to the result fron polling women.

So asking a bunch of mostly female MNetters is going to get you a one-sided answer.

PartTimeModel Sun 27-Jan-13 20:12:36

I agree with you 44! Not from reading the relationships board, but from looking at relationships around me. Even the best of the 'good guys' sits at 40% (backed by his high wage earning status). It's a really shitty situation.

Many of the men appear publicly to be so involved, but when you get a more personal view, they seem to feel/act more entitled to privilege, with the woman picking up the slack for the good of the family.

I know several committed gay couples (men). They all have the same issues, interestingly enough.

44SoStartingOver Sun 27-Jan-13 20:17:03

Indeed - not especially from mn, but from what I observe in rl.

I know I only see one side of the story, but I tend to,see what they actually do, andit is the women who work, look after the kids and stick at it.

It's the men who fuck about, keep hold of the money and generally behave badly.

Mn just seems to give more examples

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 27-Jan-13 20:23:48

I don't think you're wrong but my observation is that people who have settled down with a pre-30 man have a far bigger chance of being with a git than those who wait until post-30 smile My totally sexist and completely unscientific rationale for this is that the average 20-something woman, if presented with things like job, mortgage and baby is mature enough to respond to the challenge.... whereas the average 20-something man just doesn't want the responsibility.

foolonthehill Sun 27-Jan-13 20:29:06

6 women all best friends (mine):

Me married an abuser (14 years)
BF1 married a serial cheater (20 years)
BF2 married an abuser (22 years)
BF3 married a "lovely man" who basically uses depression as a smoke screen for not doing anything in the marriage that was in any way supportive (16 years and counting)
BF4 married the best of the best (13 years smile)
BF5 married a basically decent man who suffers from depression but commits to doing what he can. (15 years ongoing)
BF6 married a good guy who helps out around the house and with children but she still puts the majority of the work into the relationship as far as I can see.

Not a very good success rate sad

44SoStartingOver Sun 27-Jan-13 20:42:45

Interesting point cogito.

The people I know who have married later have not fared better - either they are supposed to be grateful, or have very complex and demanding step families.

I have a female friend who p,ans for us to be a non sexual couple if we outs
Live our husbands - like the golden girls!

PartTimeModel Sun 27-Jan-13 21:07:35

All the people I reference are now in 40's - been with partners since mud 30's ish

ChangingWoman Mon 28-Jan-13 00:08:50

No idea. Sometimes on darker days it seems that way and I suspect that it's down to mysogyny and dysfunction in our society which tolerates or rewards unpleasant, entitled behaviour from males more than females.

Interesting to look at relationship status in groups of friends as Foolonthehill has done. Running through my friends, all mid-thirties, I can only think of two who are in apparently happy and committed conventional long-term relationships. Many are happily single or in relationships where they do not cohabit or have children so there's less pressure on the relationship.

Looking from the outside at so many relationships makes you feel sorry for the women inside them, especially when you have your own experience of living with an unreasonable tosser. I've never felt sorry for anyone on account of their being single.

On that depressing thought, I'm going to bed.

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