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AIBU.. dp going out(96 Posts)
hi there, background is: dp and i been together a yr. i have a 3 yr old dd from previous relationship (dd does see her dad regularly) dp doesnt live with us but we are planning on getting a place together later in the year.
anyway, dp went out last night. heavy one and got home at 8am. we had arranged on fri that dp would take me to the supermarket today (i dont yet drive) i hadn't heard from him this morning but i decided to go first thing anyway as i didnt want to wait around for him. did shopping, took dd to park afterwards. got a call at 2, had a chat, he had a great night, all fine. i assumed we would be seeing him this eve, so i invited him round for dinner. he said that he would need to sleep as too tired. i feel pissy but not sure why, and just wondering how others would feel? it is hard and lonely being a single parent, as dp and i are planning on moving in together im expecting him to, i dunno... prioritize us. i feel a bit hurt and rejected. i also feel deeply resentful (unreasonable i know) that he can go out on a bender and i cant. am i being over the top? thank you for reading.
I understand people are scared of drugs if they have never taken them, and don't know people that do. The media portray a v negative picture of drug use so I'm not surprised you think I'm crazy. He would never have friends round doing drugs, he isn't a teen or an arsehole.
He doesn't smoke weed, or cigarettes. He hardly drinks.
I know we don't live together so not an issue now, but as we are planning to, it's something I'm thinking about and questioning.
he is a drug user who loses whole days due to his lifestyle
that is not a good example for your child
I've been part of that party lifestyle, in the past. It would be a complete red flag to me now - Children and getting off your head (legally or illegally) are not compatible.
chocolate - don't assume ignorance. I used to be involved in a scene like that, when I was very much younger and had no responsibilities - it is an enormous amount of fun, provided that your behaviour doesn't impact on anyone else.
I met many men like your DP, and they cut a rather sad figure, still trying to pretend they are 21.
This is not the kind of lifestyle that you want to potentially expose your DD to. I would say the same about a man who went out drinking alcohol until 8am and then wrote off the whole of the next day.
You haven't answered any questions about his current set-up/finances?
OP, I find your "you don't understand about drugs" comment patronising.
Yes, am trying to work out how attractive that life still is to him. This is the first time he has done this, all behaviour up till now has been committed and conducive to family life.
He works full time, reasonable wage. and rents a flat on his own. Has done for years.
Sorry if I sound patronising. Typing quickly as out, not thinking through how I am putting things
You don't live together and already you find yourself disappointed and feeling let down that he isn't automatically putting you first.
He really doesn't sound ready to grow up tbh, and he may never be if he is still "partying" at 36.
That in itself doesn't make him a bad person, but when you are clearly seeking a life partner/full commitment it makes him the wrong person.
Drugs would be a deal breaker for me btw and I don't think that not taking them makes me completely ignorant of them and their potential impacts on a child.
I've taken LOTS of drugs in the past. I think there can be a lot of hand wringing and OTT reactions on here to their use by MNetters who have never done them and don't know much about them. However I would never choose to be someone who regularly takes drugs as part of their social life and I certainly would not be moving them in to play a parental role with my dc.
Why? Because I don't think the two mix, family life and drugs, no matter how minimally they are used. I wouldn't want someone on a nasty coke, ket or MDMA comedown around my children. It almost feels deceptive towards them and I wouldn't want someone with that horrible stuff in their body hugging or being near them and that's even before you factor in the lying around being no good to anyone for hours on end.
I don't use anything anymore because they're just horrible and damaging substances and I don't know anyone who says "you know what? I am really glad I took all those drugs in my twenties". Oh and another thing, there's nothing less attractive than a middle aged drug user. I'd tell him that. Sensible people grow up and out of drugs IMO. I would have real concerns about someone still into them at his age.
Up until you mentioned the drugs bit, it didn't seem much of a big deal.
I've been on both sides of this, had a partying lifestyle in my 20's, lots of drugs, clubs often for the entire weekend (no kids). I now work a bit with people who have drug issues with their kids along for the ride.
Because you are around people who are still into this lifestyle and partake a bit yourself, it is normalised for you. Possibly making decisions on what is and what is not acceptable may be harder. Drug use whether recreational or not can have a big impact when your in a family type situation as everything is more magnified and let's face it, more stressful. Your DP may manage his lifestyle now when he has time to properly recover, with peace and quiet. This is going to be more difficult in a family context. There's no way on gods earth I'd want to deal with kids on a comedown, not only for my own sanity, but tbh I think it's totally irresponsible of the adult if its you or him. At the age of 30 and over it just sounds a bit sad to be popping E's <sorry judgy pants> Why are you putting yourself at risk with illegal drugs while you have a 3 yr old? God knows what's in some of them.
It sounds like a difficult situation, you can't really be putting the thumbscrews on, but also I can see why you feel bad. Instead of upping and moving in with each other, maybe do a few trial weeks before hand. See how you get on.
I too do understand about drugs. I've taken plenty in my pre child days and been into the scene. I've come home from clubs at 10am and not even been able to sleep until 6pm as I was still coked/pilled up to the eyeballs. I completely understand and know it's not the same as being a herion addict. I only took stuff at the weekend and not even every weekend, and often didn't even drink alcohol with it.
But it's still a dirty lifestyle and not something that can mix with family life in any way imo. I know he's not like that and he's not going to be meeting his dealer outside your front door, or bringing his mates back, or even having the drugs in the house. I DO understand I really do. But just the fact that he's still dabbling in drugs at 36 rings big alarm bells. Comedowns are also totally different to a hangover, when you said he didn't want to come over I assumed he was just knackered but as a pp said losing a whole day on a comedown just doesn't fit in with family life.
Basically I couldn't have put it any better than akaemmafrost and junbugjr
Drugs and families don't Mix. Would you expect your daughter to spend a day or two tiptoeing round mums boyfriend because he had a comedown from hell?
What happens when he gets into a K-hole?
I've used a lot of drugs in the past, mainly rec use but I would never let someone who uses them be part of my family. It isn't happy or healthy.
I think you were asking the wrong question in your original post, OP.
There's no problem with what he did, birthday night out with mates, didn't see you the next day but still offered to stick to a pre-arranged shopping plan.
But you missed the drugs out of the above equation.
Therefore, I think the question you have to ask yourself is "Do I want to set up home with a regular drug user, given that
(a) he will no longer have his own home to escape to when he's been on an all-nighter
(b) all the related issues that come with this lifestyle and
(c) (most importantly) I have a child to consider."
Personally I disagree Numberlock, I'd have trouble letting a guy share a home with me and my daughter if he stayed out at parties till 8am, even if it wasn't down to drugs, and even if it was only once every few months.
Drugs are not bad..people are!! He sounds like a lovely guy who likes to party now and then. I am 41 with two children, a responsible job, nice house, all sorts of friends and lovely family. Every now and then (around once a month) I go out and party, usually all night and sometimes some of the next day too
I have used mdma, ketamine, lsd, mushroooms. I never drink alcohol and I stopped smoking years ago.
My gorgeous DP is happy to hold the fort at home and occasionally comes out too if we can get a sitter. We do festivals/party together more in the summer. We have a great relationship and I love the fact that once a month I get to relax/let my hair down.
I take drugs but it doesn't mean I am not a good mother/partner/professional.
Alcohol causes more damage/deaths than than all the other so called 'illegal' drugs put together.
He sounds lovely, and you have partied with him so can't expect him to stop socialising and doing what he enjoys. of course there is always balance and if he was out every weekend then thats not on, but he sounds like he is sorted.
I hope it all works out for you.
Devendra - I'm sorry but it does make you a bad mother. You have no idea what is in the stuff you are taking, no matter how much you think you can trust your dealer - these people are in it to make money and they don't give a flying fuck who gets hurt. You could very easily get a bad pill and die. I would judge someone who was an alcoholic and a parent in exactly the same way - the difference is that drinking one glass of wine isn't going to kill you, one pill could.
And they are illegal, not 'so called illegal' I'm sorry but yours is a typical druggie attitude 'I haven't got hurt so it must be fine'.
you wont get an unbiased response now youve mentioned drugs OP
I dont see the difference in that and getting drunk either. Neither is ideal, but everyones got their poison
Hello drugs are illegal, whether or not you agree with that is besides the point. Drugs do contain all kinds of nasties the type of drugs you're taking are also can also cause hallucinations and you cannot possibly predict the effect.
If these drugs were regulated and controlled, I would kind of agree with you devendra and branleuse.
But seeing as an MDMA tablet could contain anything or be cut with other drugs LSD etc, which may give the user a experience they haven't prepared for, I don't think they can be compared with alcohol.
Drugs like E's, coke etc can also set off mental illness and disorders , even after enjoyable periods of recreational use. I used every weekend for a number of years, bloody enjoyed myself too, with little negative effects apart from comedown and Tuesday blues. Took one E one night, which brought on a psychotic episode, which took around 2 years of medication to sort out. Thinking back I think it was cut with something like acid.
I don't think children should be brought up in a lifestyle which includes regularly taking drugs as having fun, their too unpredictable, and their effects- comedown can be too disruptive to family life. I'm still having hot sweats thinking of experiencing a comedown with 2 screaming kids .
The way this thread has gone, is precisely the reason I didn't mention the drugs element to me like an above poster, it is just as bad / damaging getting rat arsed on booze as it is taking pills.
Devendra thank you, you sound like the people I am friends with yes some people get fucked up when they take drugs. As do some drinkers. Plenty don't and just have a great time.
Anyway, I'm just about to talk to him about this...
The only people who equate taking illegal, unregulated and potentially fatal drugs to getting pissed on alcohol are the ones who are habitual drug users (or those who apologise for them)
They think nothing bad will ever happen to them.
I think you know, on some level, that moving in with a late 30s druggie isn't a great idea, hence your post on here.
I'd deal with your own drug taking and take some time out/get counselling before entering into another relationship tbh, or at the very least keep this one ultra casual and definitely not move in together - but that's probably not what you want to hear and it's easier to say it's judgey or whatever, but you do need to ask yourself how you'll feel if it dd starts taking drugs imo
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