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Dh said he feels he's not safe to be left on his own with dc

(46 Posts)
Winternight Sun 27-Jan-13 06:00:50

Yesterday dh admitted he pushed our .5 yo over in the park. He lost his temper as he was hurting our 2yo.

He feels terrible remorse and spent all afternoon making it up by taking him into town. Buying him stuff he liked.

Last night I told him he needs to get some anger management or counselling as its happened before and he also loses it and shouts a lot.

He then told me he feels like jumping under a train we would be better off without him and I shouldn't leave him alone with the kids.

I told him if that was true he should leave. He wouldn't go. He wouldn't eat and sat all night drinking and getting self indulgently maudlin.

Unsure what to do. He is being an arse. He said he would go to doctors on Monday. I think he will stall. Where can I get some support with this?

FamiliesShareGerms Mon 28-Jan-13 19:24:25

Good news Winternight, hope that's the first step to sorting the situation out for you all

rubyrubyruby Mon 28-Jan-13 18:27:24

That's good Winternight.
I hope it goes ok and I'm sure he will come through this xx

Hyperballad Mon 28-Jan-13 18:16:05

That's good. Hope it goes ok and the situation starts improving for you all.

Winternight Mon 28-Jan-13 18:06:35

Dh has read this thread and made an appointment to see gp. Thank you for your support.

Hyperballad Mon 28-Jan-13 17:28:43

How you feeling about everything this evening Winter, and how is your OH?

badgersma Mon 28-Jan-13 13:36:05

Forgot to add that I eventually rang Relate. They were extremely helpful - got to the crux of the matter very quickly by asking pertinent questions, and made me see quite clearly where the problem lay and gave sensible advice. Might be worth a call if this is an ongoing problem.

badgersma Mon 28-Jan-13 13:31:20

If he's really suicidal, obviously professional help's needed, but the refusing to eat and then drinking heavily rang alarm bells for me, because I had this behaviour used against me for years after bad behaviour by my ex - husband. I think it was a control device - "see how bad I'm feeling"

meditrina Mon 28-Jan-13 13:07:13

If, as suggested in one of OP's post above, he is just being a drama queen, then there are major safety issues and OP really needs to be looking at how she finds a safe place for herself and her family.

But if he is suicidal, and possibly has MH issues, then yes he should be supported (just as you would support a DH wi any other illness). If he does not recognise this as a possibility, then yes you do have to march him to GP and hover, so you know what the diagnostic possibilities are, and whether a patient in those circumstances is likely to have the self-awareness to be able to take charge of their own recovery.

cestlavielife Mon 28-Jan-13 12:59:23

the only way to help him is to march him to the GP and to take him at his word - dont leave him with DC but insist he seeks help. you cant get help for him; he has to seek it because he is an adult....

any mention of killing himself - you call 999. immediately. they will soon see if he stages recovery or not...

yiou can get help by calling someone eg womens aid; speak to your gp; go talk to someone.

you cannot sort him out - you can support him if you wish but only he can seek help and act on it.

Greensleeves Mon 28-Jan-13 12:34:27

Ruby would you say that if he had shoved his wife over rather than his child?

I will leave this now as I have made my comments, but I am a bit shocked that the consensus isn't to protect the children from violence.

rubyrubyruby Mon 28-Jan-13 12:32:24

Part of putting your children first involves helping and supporting their other parent.
Whilst I in no way condone what he did, he obviously immediately realised he was wrong, tried to make amends to the child, felt incredibly sad and reached out to his wife for help.

Imo - she should have sat down, reassured him that they would work through it together and discussed immediate and long term strategies.

Fishandjam Mon 28-Jan-13 11:56:28

I'm sorry if that's what you read into my post. It wasn't what I intended.

Don't think I'd better contribute any more to this, as I'm now upset enough to be physically shaking. (Personal reasons, before anyone accuses me of being unable to take criticism.)

Greensleeves Mon 28-Jan-13 11:53:56

But your post implies that his welfare should be the focus and OP should be supporting him. I find that weird give that he assaulted his child. Maybe I am guilty of black and white thinking - but IMO, if he has crossed the line into violence, then protecting the children should be the priority.

I suffer from depression and anxiety, have done for years and am on strong medication which I will probably never be able to stop taking. I know how bleak and terrifying life can be with depression, really I do. But if I felt I was a danger to my children, if I snapped and physically assaulted one of them, I would remove myself from the house quicker than Concorde.

Fishandjam Mon 28-Jan-13 11:53:17

Yes, the kids come first, can't understand why that even needs saying. But to basically abandon their dad when he's reaching out for help... No wonder suicide accounts for so many male deaths.

Fishandjam Mon 28-Jan-13 11:50:19

I have not said it's trivial. Don't put words into my mouth.

Greensleeves Mon 28-Jan-13 11:47:30

There's another thread running at the moment about a dh who pushed his wife over. The responses on there are rather different Fishjam. Is it trivial because he only pushed a child over?

He's an adult. The kids' safety and welfare should come first.

Fishandjam Mon 28-Jan-13 11:45:32

Wow. The responses from those agreeing he's "being an arse", that he should leave, let him kill himself etc? Just wow.

If the OP had been from a husband, no way on this planet would you all be so cold and callous.

OP, it sounds like your DH is trying to reach out for help. You may think he's being self-pitying, behaving like an arse, getting maudlin etc. Here's the thing: that's how depressed people can appear to undepressed people.

Get him to his GP. Make the appointment for him if necessary.

Greensleeves Mon 28-Jan-13 11:38:11

He pushed his 5yo over in public fgs. For normal childhood squabbling. Then started babbling about suicide, going off his food and drinking himself into an emotive stupor

If he needs help, he should go to his doctor. Not abuse his children and then cry for sympathy.

I would have told hm to leave as well. I would tell anyone to leave who wasn't safe to be around my children.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 28-Jan-13 11:35:14

I find it difficult to know what to do to help him.

Help yourself and your DC.
It is for him, as a grown man, to seek the help that he needs.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 28-Jan-13 11:34:31

If he won't go despite admitting he feels he is a danger to the children, and if he does indeed stall going to the GP's today, then he is not serious about asking for/obtaining help.

Winternight Mon 28-Jan-13 11:26:22

I am looking for support because I find it difficult to know what to do to help him.
Thank you for your replies.

FamiliesShareGerms Mon 28-Jan-13 07:27:42

I agree Ruby. If my DH put out such an obvious cry for help I would be pushing my DH towards support rather than planning how I was going to LTB.

If the OP had been reversed, so it was from a husband who was worried about his wife who had expressed suicidal thoughts and worries she would hurt the children, bet not many responses would be to call 999 and get SS involved.

OP, I'd suggest your GP as the first stop for help with (what sounds like) depression

Hyperballad Mon 28-Jan-13 07:09:51

I think he needs some support on dealing with the kids when they get a bit of a handful. And I think he is telling the OP that he doesn't feel like he can cope.

Hyperballad Mon 28-Jan-13 07:06:54

I see it the same way as you Ruby.

rubyrubyruby Mon 28-Jan-13 07:03:34

He feels terrible remorse and spent all afternoon making it up by taking him into town. Buying him stuff he liked.
He then told me he feels like jumping under a train we would be better off without him and I shouldn't leave him alone with the kids.

I told him if that was true he should leave. He wouldn't go.

am I the only person shocked by that response?
The guy has admitted he has a problem and is asking you for help.

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