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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Dh said he feels he's not safe to be left on his own with dc

45 replies

Winternight · 27/01/2013 06:00

Yesterday dh admitted he pushed our .5 yo over in the park. He lost his temper as he was hurting our 2yo.

He feels terrible remorse and spent all afternoon making it up by taking him into town. Buying him stuff he liked.

Last night I told him he needs to get some anger management or counselling as its happened before and he also loses it and shouts a lot.

He then told me he feels like jumping under a train we would be better off without him and I shouldn't leave him alone with the kids.

I told him if that was true he should leave. He wouldn't go. He wouldn't eat and sat all night drinking and getting self indulgently maudlin.

Unsure what to do. He is being an arse. He said he would go to doctors on Monday. I think he will stall. Where can I get some support with this?

OP posts:

Report

Chubfuddler · 27/01/2013 06:02

Women's Aid.
Your HV.

LilBlondePessimist · 27/01/2013 06:05

Please do ring women's aid. Do you have anyone in rl you can go to if you feel that you or dc are unsafe?

BouncyPenguin · 27/01/2013 06:10

His reaction to what he did is more worrying than the pushing. Is this the first sign of a problem or does he have a history of depression/drinking? Yes I think he needs to go to the doctor, or if he can't face that are you in a position to pay for a private counsellor? That is much much quicker to arrange and more anonymous.

mathanxiety · 27/01/2013 06:31

Next time he says he is going to jump under a train call 999 and have the nearest A&E deal with him. Don't second guess him and don't waste time or give him the chance to do anything more.

I think you could still do it as he said he shouldn't be left alone with the children -- see how he explains that one to the police. They mightn't take him to A&E for a psych assessment as that moment has now passed.

You would be flagged by social services if you were to involve the police outside of a suicide threat event, and there would be a certain amount of pressure on you both after that to ensure the DCs are safe. He would have to show evidence of working to change himself into an acceptable father, or leaving. You would have to show evidence of taking all of this seriously and putting the DCs' welfare and safety above other concerns. Would you be up for this?

It seems to me that you may just have to do something like this whether you really think it's your comfort zone or not, given your description of the man you are dealing with. He has done this sort of thing before and the likelihood is if he gets away with it he will keep on doing it until someone reports him in the park, or your life dwindles away to nothing as you take on all of the childcare because you can't trust him, and you decide enough is enough.

In the meantime, call WA for yourself and see what you can do for you.

Do you have friends or family who could help you out or give a sensible shoulder to cry on?

TheFallenNinja · 27/01/2013 06:38

I often wonder what people believe others reactions to a suicide threat would be? Frankly (and alas I am stone cold on this) I would tell them to get out and get on with it and I would sleep at night if they did.

I think when this happens that things have transcended reason and support and is downright controlling behaviour. The only possible upside is that if professional support is sought by the individual then they may benefit.

I have experience of this having xw hanging this over me for 10 years, the day I realised that she was simply controlling me with it was the day I left and guess what, nothing happened.

meditrina · 27/01/2013 07:55

You should always ensure that someone who is talking about suicide has contact details for the Samaritans.

Winternight · 27/01/2013 08:03

I do not believe he is suicidal. He is bring a drama queen because I told him he needed some help with anger management.

I have no other support.

OP posts:

Winternight · 27/01/2013 08:04

Being

OP posts:

Winternight · 27/01/2013 08:08

He is genuinely caring towards dc normally. We share everything 50:50.

In told him he either takes responsibility and gets help. Or he goes.

He is still here.

I have to go out this morning and leave him with dc for an hour. He is not going to control me.

Is there anywhere else I can get support I don't want ss involved at this stage.

OP posts:

500internalerror · 27/01/2013 08:09

Had snyone asked yet if he is any unusual stress? At work? Is he just exhausted? The early yrs are so draining, & he may be shattered from work and broken sleep, hence the short temper etc.

coffeeandcream · 27/01/2013 08:20

Have you considered that he may have PND? Men can get it too.

It must have been really hard for him to have confided in you how he feels and he needs your support now. Your HV and GP could help. He might stall but men often find it hard to ask for help like this. Could you see your GP together?

StressDaily · 27/01/2013 08:23

Men can get PND?

Winternight · 27/01/2013 08:48

I think you are right about being under stress. He has a tough job. Dc2 is an early waker and he gets up with him. He doesn't get a break at weekends as I work sat mornings.

He finds it hard to talk about feelings.
He actually opened up to me last night and is genuinely upset.

I think the gp is the best option. I told him about the Samaritans before I left this morning. He looked shamed.

I think it will help that I left for an hour. It shows trust.

I want to help and support him but primarily do the best thing for my kids.

OP posts:

coffeeandcream · 27/01/2013 09:00

Yes stressdaily men can get PND. One of my friends partners has is and they have a baby. He is stressed out and tearful, afraid to be on his own with baby and can't bear to hold him. Makes me .

I think showing a bit if trust now is a good thing OP but I can appreciate you concern for DCs. Keep talking to each other and don't be scared to ask for help

CabbageLeaves · 27/01/2013 09:13

My ex didn't cope with having DC. This manifested itself in a short fuse (although no physical actions). I spent a lot of life trying to minimise the impact of having DC on him. I excused him on the basis of being stressed/tired/depressed etc

Eventually I decided he was just lazy and selfish

I was working harder than him in paid employment. I was doing all gardening, housework, child care, sorting money, buying presents etc etc. Yet he was being excused because it was 'difficult' for him?

Now it maybe that your partner is like this or it maybe that he does have a short term stress or mental health condition. If its the latter I'd want to help him

Whatever I'd want to lay down an absolute boundary of this unexceptable.

If it carries on for too long (weeks/months) and he doesn't attempt to address it (preferring to let you pick up the slack) I'd leave.

whatsleep · 27/01/2013 09:17

My husband had PND he was really quite unwell for two years. I think the fact that your DH told you he pushed your son over in the park would make me think he wanted you to know he's struggling rather than becoming an abusive dad. There is such a strange stigma around men and depression. For a woman to have it is quite acceptable but for men, lots of people just can't get their heads round it. I hope your DH gets the help he needs. If I can help please PM me. It will get better for you x

StressDaily · 27/01/2013 16:47

I was under the impression that PND is hormone related.

whatsleep · 27/01/2013 17:54

I suppose the fact that it occurs 'post baby' gets it labelled as PND, nothing to do with pregnancy hormones just the time it occurs!? Depression is depression, doesn't really matter what other lables are attached to it. Just my opionion! I do agree that in woman PND is probably triggered by hormones though.

mathanxiety · 28/01/2013 06:37

You don't have to make the decision about the genuineness or otherwise of a suicide threat.

Once you hear the word, make the call. If he is taking the piss he will know you are not a pushover and that will be a good thing. If he needs help he will get it. Either way, not your problem.

I have experience of this with exH. Nothing alienates a partner faster than the nagging thought that you are being had. Nip this in the bud.

Please do not use your DCs as a way to show him you trust him.
If someone else calls SS this will not look good.
If he senses your trepidation here about leaving them with him, and this is about control, or reclaiming attention from you that he feels the children are getting too much of, he may use the danger element to make you think twice about every trip you make without them.

Hyperballad · 28/01/2013 06:51

Sorry just ignoring the potential bigger problems here for one minute.....
Do you and your DP have an agreed way of discipling (sorry about spelling!) the kids?

I'm just wondering if he doesn't have a set process in his mind of what to do if the child is playing up and then loses control easily.

Have you discussed and agreed the steps of what to do when the kids are playing up?

It seems that all this suicide business is about running away from the problem instead of dealing with it.

I had a partner who was suicidal on and off for 5 years, it was a horrid thing to have to deal with and we didn't have kids.

Is it the first time he has spoken in this way?

rubyrubyruby · 28/01/2013 07:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hyperballad · 28/01/2013 07:06

I see it the same way as you Ruby.

Hyperballad · 28/01/2013 07:09

I think he needs some support on dealing with the kids when they get a bit of a handful. And I think he is telling the OP that he doesn't feel like he can cope.

FamiliesShareGerms · 28/01/2013 07:27

I agree Ruby. If my DH put out such an obvious cry for help I would be pushing my DH towards support rather than planning how I was going to LTB.

If the OP had been reversed, so it was from a husband who was worried about his wife who had expressed suicidal thoughts and worries she would hurt the children, bet not many responses would be to call 999 and get SS involved.

OP, I'd suggest your GP as the first stop for help with (what sounds like) depression

Winternight · 28/01/2013 11:26

I am looking for support because I find it difficult to know what to do to help him.
Thank you for your replies.

OP posts:

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