Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

erectile dysfunction

(36 Posts)
frustratedashell Sat 26-Jan-13 23:52:01

I love my fiance very much. We are getting married in May. The thing is hes diabetic and suffers from ED. Hes tried viagra, cialis and another one I cant remember the name of. They have worked occasionally, but lately not at all.
He needs to loose about 2 stone. Ive tried to encourage him to eat healthily and do exercise. We started a new diabetes type diet just under 4 wks ago. In the first week his blood sugar levels dropped and he lost 3lbs. So we were both thrilled, but since then his levels have come back up a bit and hes put some weight back on. Meanwhile he does not try to please me in other ways (in the bedroom) and Im getting fed up with it. This has been going on for 9 months now. Ive been patient and understanding but now my patience has run out. I dont feel he is doing all he can to help himself. I dont want a sexless marriage/relationship. I have talked to him about this several times. Its now 15 weeks till we get married and Im wondering if I should call it off/postpone it. Ive told him this. The thing is I do want to be with him, hes a wonderful partner in every other way. Most things are booked and half paid for. If im going to call it off/postpone I think I need to do it asap. He knows how I feel, Ive asked him if he thinks im being unfair and he said no. I know hes fed up with the situation too but he doesnt seem to follow anything through, eg he got his testosterone levels checked and they were a bit low. The doctor wasnt sure if he could have testosterone supplements and said she would find out. She never did get back to him. Hes not chased it up. That was at least a month ago. HELP!!!

Darkesteyes Sun 27-Jan-13 00:02:15

Meanwhile he does not try to please me in other ways (in the bedroom)

If i were you id call it off OP. Ive been in a sexless affectionless marraiage for 17 years and it is soul destroying.
My h has never tried to please me in other ways either. It just doesnt enter their heads because in the mysogynistic society we live in "women dont really like sex anyway so they can live without it"
I had a LT affair a few years ago and the affair was made out to be my fault by both DH and my own mother.
It was only a couple of years ago that DH said "do what you need to do but be discreet about it"
But ive become bitter weepy and depressed.
Please dont go any further down this road.

fallenangle Sun 27-Jan-13 00:03:28

You need to talk this through with him asap. Perhaps insist on going together to talk to his GP. If sex is important to you, and if you want children, then you need to know what you are getting into. If you don't like what you are getting into don't get into it. Money you have committed shouldn't be a consideration.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Sun 27-Jan-13 00:06:47

You are already totting up in your mind monies out on things for the wedding and how you can minimise your losses.

Let's face it, you're out of there, aren't you? You know you are not going to marry him and his apathy means he agrees with this. It also extends to doing nothing to sort out his own health problems. Is he depressed? I know people ask that a lot, but why is he doing NOTHING to make things better for himself?

Diabetes is a tiresome, dangerous and very boring illness for the sufferer. The vigilance of keeping it under tight control must be so wearing. I feel for anyone with this illness. But the (for a long time, unseen) consequences are so much worse. Uncontrolled diabetes will not possibly lead to complications like peripheral neuropathy, poorly perfused extremities, retinopathy - it definitely will.

He really needs to look after himself so he doesn't end up in an early grave and if you calling off your wedding doesn't give him a massive kick up the backside then what will?

I'm not saying write him off because of his diabetes, but his health is his own responsibility and if he's not prepared to look after it you will have worse things ahead of you both than no sex life.

sad

frustratedashell Sun 27-Jan-13 00:07:12

There is plenty of affection darkesteyes. Fallenangle we are supposed to be going back to the doctor soon. Ive been with him to see the diabetic nurse twice. Children dont come into it, were in our early 50s. Thanks for your input.

HollyBerryBush Sun 27-Jan-13 00:08:27

The diabetes and the weight will be contributing factors. Can you go to the doctors with him.

DH lost 10 stone this year, he's diabetic, lets just say he wasn't a perky as he could have been, now there's no stopping himgrin. It's very difficult to for a man to face up to the the fact he isn't a virile as he should be. Emasculating infact.

darkeyes - you should have left your relationship a long time ago.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Sun 27-Jan-13 00:13:04

And I don't think a man in his 50s needs his partner to go to the doctor with him. You're not his mother. Maybe you feel you want to support him but I get the impression from your OP that you are the one doing most of the work here and that's a pretty pathetic situation given his age.

frustratedashell Sun 27-Jan-13 00:13:23

Thanks Holly

frustratedashell Sun 27-Jan-13 00:15:16

Yeah im trying to support him. Am I doing too much? We talked about it tonight and I said it was his responsibility and he agreed. Hes just not very dynamic!

fallenangle Sun 27-Jan-13 00:18:24

Bit confused OP. You say he hasn't chased up the doctor, then you say in a later post that you are going with him to the doctor soon.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Sun 27-Jan-13 00:19:04

Personally I think you are doing too much. You sound lovely, btw. But I don't think it's fair on you. Having to spend your life managing him because he can't be arsed himself is no way to live. It will only get worse. You'll be taking him to the foot clinic to get his ulcers dressed in a few years.

Thing is, you do reap what you sow with diabetes. He can have a happy, healthy life, but he's the only one who can do it. Sure you can give him support and encouragement, but it's not up to you.

It sounds like you've just had that conversation anyway smile

frustratedashell Sun 27-Jan-13 00:26:34

fallenangle sorry for confusion. He needs to go see doctor for a medication review. He has the week off work soon(11th Feb) and says he will go then, so i said it would be good to ask about the testosterone at the same time. Hes fine about me going with him by the way.
Tired, yes I appreciate what youre saying.
I think I knew what the general concensus was going to be before I even posted this on here.

fallenangle Sun 27-Jan-13 01:07:34

OP because of your ages i presume this is second time around for both of you. Do you know why his earlier relationship foundered? Presumably not because he was too assertive. Did you post here seeking affirmation of a decision you have already, reluctantly, made?

frustratedashell Sun 27-Jan-13 01:30:05

his earlier relationship foundered cos his partner suffered from depression but she shut him out and wouldnt let him help. They then drifted apart and ended up in seperate rooms for the last 6 years of their relationship. There was no sex during that time. He was diagnosed with diabetes about 3 yrs into that period . He then lost his erections about a year later. Im not sure about my decision. My heart says marry him, my head says dont. I think I will talk to him tomorrow . We live together. I could move out if necessary.

frustratedashell Sun 27-Jan-13 12:03:45

We have had a talk, hes under no illusions as to how I feel. Hes read this thread. Ive given him the ring back but we havent broken up. I asked him if he wanted me to move out (its his flat) and he said no. Says he will ring doc tomorrow and get an appt asap. Im not convinced that Ive got through to him.
We will see what happens, the thing is in the next few weeks we need to pay the remainder of various wedding expenses so I feel pressured. We are going out a bit later, also today is our weighing day. We go to Boots most Sundays to do this. Will let you know how it goes!

MooseyFate Sun 27-Jan-13 12:57:58

My DH also has ED. He is in late 40's, taking strong blood pressure and cholestrol meds for an inherited condition. He has now lost some weight and walks to work instead of driving so is starting to make an effort. The doctors have given him cialis and viagra, both help a little but not enough for penetration. This started about 3 years ago, with the occassional problem and just got progressively worse. It was a real blow to my self-esteem. He was also gutted and for a long time wouldn't even talk about it. He always made an effort to satisy me though, and reassured me that he found me sexy etc

Given that you feel strongly that having an active sex life is a vital part of a relationship, I'm not sure if I would carry on with the marriage plans if I was you. He makes no effort to please you sexually in other ways so maybe for him sex isn't such a big deal, but it's really selfish of him to not consider your needs.

TDada Sun 27-Jan-13 13:21:34

really bad signs. Does it make sense not to get married butlive together for a bit longer to allow you to decide/work on things?

frustratedashell Sun 27-Jan-13 14:29:49

Hi everyone thanks for your comments. TDada that was my thought too, until about half an hour ago! We have been to Boots and weighed, hes lost 3lb this week. I was pleased. The plan then was to go for lunch somewhere and then go to the cinema. So we go to wetherspoons, not the easiest place to eat healthily I will admit. (He suggested going for a curry!) I chose the lowest calorie healthy meal (The menus have calories on). He goes to bar and orders the meals plus 2 coffees. I said what did you order he said same as you. I said oh good. A bit later our meals arrive, except his has chips on the plate. And no it wasnt a mistake, its what he ordered! I was fuming! I made my feelings known without causing a scene. I just could not believe he would do that after our discussion.
We finished our meal in silence and he then tried to make small talk. I asked him why he had ordered that meal. He said cos he gets bored with his restrictive diet. After a while I said I cant do this, this relationship is over. I said I would find somewhere else to live soon.(Im selling my flat and its very near completion then I will have a reasonable lump sum so I can rent somewhere) But I could go stay with my mum if he wanted me gone. He sat there calmly and said no you dont have to do that. He made no attempt to talk me out of it.I know I could pull out of the sale of my flat but it doesnt feel like home anymore and I want a fresh start plus the money. Im so bloody angry. I may go to my mums anyway, I dont know.

Darkesteyes Sun 27-Jan-13 16:01:10

Im sorry to hear this frustrated. His apathy towards the problem is not a good sign.
Re. your post at 1.30 last night rang serious alarm bells.
Are you sure his exs depression wasnt caused by the fact that his problems were already there back then and the same thing happened with him and his ex.
If he was like it back then and unwilling to do anything about it that could certainly have led to her becoming depressed.
Are you sure he hasnt embellished that slightly?

frustratedashell Sun 27-Jan-13 16:07:24

Dark thats a good point, I must admit I hadnt thought of that. She was 17 years older than him so maybe she wasnt bothered?

Darkesteyes Sun 27-Jan-13 16:25:33

It sounds to me like he hasnt been fully truthful with you.
The fact that hes not bothered about pleasing you in ways other than penetration shows he is downright bloody selfish.
It makes me so angry that men think they can put women through this. Its not his fault he has a problem but his apathy and unwillingness to take your needs seriously IS his fault.
Do you know how long he was with his ex?

frustratedashell Sun 27-Jan-13 16:28:54

Yes its the attitude (apathy and Unwillingness) that hurts. He was with her for 16 years.

Darkesteyes Sun 27-Jan-13 16:43:00

Frustrated it has driven me to the brink of insanity and back.
I have a suggestion you could put to him. Only if you feel you want to.
You could broach the subject of having an open relationship with him. His reaction to that should tell you all you need to know.

Darkesteyes Sun 27-Jan-13 16:43:46

He was with her for 16 years. I think i know why she had depression!

frustratedashell Mon 28-Jan-13 00:27:41

We have kind of talked about an open relationship in as much as I said I dont want to end up having an affair but also I dont want a sexless relationship. He said he would understand if I did sleep with someone else but would be very hurt. Its not something I want really. Anyway its too late now, the decision is made. We are splitting up. He doesnt want that but I cant see anything changing. Hes been doing exercises tonight and chasing up a few things re the ED. I had to laugh, why now? Its too bloody late! We are being friendly with each other and making each other cups of tea etc. I feel strangely calm, I havent cried. Ive cancelled one of the wedding things tonight by email. I will be ringing most of the others tomorrow. Im unemployed at the moment so I have the time. He says I can stay here as long as I need to, as Im waiting for the sale of my flat to complete .I will then have the funds to rent somewhere. I moved away from my hometown to live with him, only about 20 miles though. I will go back there and look for a flat and job in that area. Im sure ive done the right thing. I actually feel empowered. Weird! Thanks for all your advice people.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now