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tomorrow I hand over my children to the OW for the first time

(1000 Posts)
chocoreturns Sat 26-Jan-13 22:44:42

I don't know what else to say, just need a hand hold tonight.

OW and STBXH are now house hunting 15 mins from my house, and spending EOW with my baby and DS. They have been lying about her being there right up until today. I finally reached the end of my tether, while listening to DS1 tell me all about house hunting with OW all day, having been told he was with only his dad and granny.

So I called STBXH and told him I'm over it, it's time to stop pretending I'm an ogre who can't bear to meet her, and to bring her to handover. If she's going to be on my doorstep and having my children in her home, I need to know who she is. She took my baby DS2 swimming with his dad today - it was his first swim. I am far beyond anger now and I'm just sad about it all sad

Not sure what to say to her, but I would like to take her to one side when STBXH is putting the kids in the car, and say look - I know you and I aren't going to be friends, but my children are my priority, and I need to know they are safe and happy when they're not with me. If you ever don't know what to do, or you're on your own with them and you think they need me, please know that it's ok to call me and I'll be fine with you. Then give her my number.

Is that mad? Or sensible and mature?

This is a moment I need a mumsnet straw poll sad

ProphetOfDoom Tue 29-Jan-13 19:59:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety Tue 29-Jan-13 20:06:48

I second that inch/mile observation.

This doesn't change with these people. It is their nature. They pounce on perceived weakness.

ZenNudist Tue 29-Jan-13 20:58:04

Chocco delurking to add support. Thought the idea up thread about moving if stbxh moves nearby a good one. How about the other end of the country grin

Do you have friends & family nearby to help support you at this time?

ComradeJing Tue 29-Jan-13 21:16:05

I haven't been following your other threads but I'd agree about inch/mile situation.

God but he's just a miserable twat isn't he?

Do you have support for yourself? I know it's a cliche but please remind yourself that those who don't matter mind and those who matter don't mind. Your real friends won't take his side and they won't think you're a vindictive loon. If his family or his friends or the OW or gossips think that then, well, fuck them frankly.


DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 29-Jan-13 21:27:15

Schmaltzing sad what a position to put your DCs in - don't these people think?

amamini Tue 29-Jan-13 21:29:21

thank god my sons are 13 and 16 and they are the ones who decide if and when they will see their father...I feel sick to my stomach for you having to hand over the most precious person in the world to a hateful bitch you must loathe more than words can say...I don't know how you stand it all, you have my deepest sympathy.

Midwife99 Tue 29-Jan-13 21:31:06

I wonder if it would be simpler if you just viewed & chose the pre-school & then school you like without proactively consulting him unless he actually tells you that he is definitely going to have practical input such as viewing them too? He'll probably not even get around to it will he?

choco, you're doing so well. I remember clearly the first thread you started and you've been an inspiration in the way you've handled things. I'm just going through the CAFCASS/court route myself and have had to submit a form C1A, which is where you provide details of abuse to both you and the children. You can download it online if you ever want to have a look. I posted my forms back to court today, so I know social services will be ringing me up very soon, as will CAFCASS, and have warned both the DC's schools to expect a call. I'm happy to hold your hand along the way if you'll find it helps!

Midwife99 Tue 29-Jan-13 21:43:45

I think you'll get alot of protection & support via the CAFCASS route. Esp with DA & HV 's input. It won't be you saying no to certain things to him, it will be third parties who are impartial & have children's best interests at heart.

AnAirOfHope Tue 29-Jan-13 21:46:07


Good luck for the future

Skyebluesapphire Tue 29-Jan-13 22:20:57

math has a good point about choosing several schools, so he doesnt know which one is your favourite...

he does have a legal right over their education, to decide where they go to school, along with religion and healthcare apparantly, the only things that you have to get their agreement on.

Luckily because there is one school here, within walking distance and it is the best school for miles around... there was no discussion with my XH.

It would be a shame if he were awkward with you just for the sake of it, but of course you cant trust him on anything any more..

cheeseandpineapple Tue 29-Jan-13 22:28:39

Matilda, Choco, thanks for the "wise" credit but must confess to borrowing the wisdom a friend after she did a stress management course. What little she told me, particularly the point about "acceptance" really stayed with me. Not advocating being a doormat but recognising the situations or aspects of a situation which you can and can't control and then react accordingly.

From what I understand, where you can exert control and have a certain amount of power, taking action and increasing your resources to deal with the situation can help you manage a stressful but changeable situation. To that end, Choco, you're doing that by researching your options and looking into practical choices to manage the situation in a way that might work better for you. Hopefully this will help reduce your stress in dealing/communicating with arse wipe and turtle head (she really is an annoying little shit who currently, isn't going anywhere and appears to be perfectly happy stuck where she is).

Where you have limited control and influence on a situation, you can mitigate the stress by adapting your emotional response and perception of events to minimise how the situation affects you emotionally.

Where you have no control over events or a situation, acceptance is meant to be the most effective approach. Usually most applicable in the case of some kind of loss.

Well that's the theory and there's a bit of everything going on in your scenario Choco.

So, am guessing some stress managment guru might say -making practical changes where you can, to suit you, should help reduce some of your stress and sense of lack of power. Where you end up compromising, you need to focus on the positive achievements and not be tough on yourself if the arrangements aren't exactly how you want them to be. As for the general inequity of you and your kids having to go through all this crap, well that you have no control over, you've experienced a major loss and that's the part that you will hopefully come to accept, including your lack of power or choice in the matter. It is what it is.

But doesn't mean you accept shitty arrangements which don't suit you. That you fight.

As for your money concerns, get writing, you have a flair, there's a book coming out of all this with your name written all over it. Fiction or non fiction, we'll all buy it but only if you promise to name and shame!

cheeseandpineapple Tue 29-Jan-13 22:53:36

Ps, if you do write a book, I gift you the title, "Turtlehead", the story of a pain in the arse you just can't shift, Choco's courageous tale in overcoming that obstacle with grace, dignity and sheer bloody determination, without straining.

It's all yours!!

Just adding my support. I would be tempted to just choose the school as you are obviously not going to just go eeny meeny miney moe. Also it's not just a case of walking into the school of your choice it's not necessarily that simple.

Hugs as ever to you, inspirational lady! X

Midwife99 Wed 30-Jan-13 07:43:24

Quite - the 1st 2nd & 3rd choice nightmare!

BerylStreep Wed 30-Jan-13 08:56:12

Oh a book is a brilliant idea!

cheeseandpineapple Wed 30-Jan-13 09:58:52

Loving your name, Beryl! Why is it that Meryl is actually quite a pretty and sophisticated name and Beryl, well, it's the polar opposite. It all turns on that one letter...

Ingenious though! I think you should write a book too, any book, I'd buy it if only to have something by a Beryl Streep!

BerylStreep Wed 30-Jan-13 10:19:02


McBuckers Wed 30-Jan-13 11:32:45

Just want to add my support Choco, you're brilliant!

My three kids met the OW for the first time this weekend.

Luckily my friend did the handovers so I didn't have to come face to face with the home wrecking whore.

Must admit that the thought of her grubby mitts on my 8mth old baby makes me feel physically sick!

getthegirladrink Wed 30-Jan-13 11:38:01

Hugs McBuckers, my DS is 8 months too & I would literally puke my guts up if I had to do anything like that.
Choco - hugs too. Can't add anything to what everyone else has said, but you. Are. Cool. smile

Walkacrossthesand Wed 30-Jan-13 12:04:38

Joining thread late as ever I was where you are re having to let 3 DCs (all preschool/infant school age) go to ex and the OW. The marriage hadn't been abusive, and there was never any hint of them calling her Mummy, but boy was it hard - when they were with him it felt like he 'had it all' & I had nothing. He's still with her nearly 20years on, and I'm still single (but I think I'm unusual in that respect, not in a good way!) but I picked up on an earlier remark you made, choco - I too worried for a bit that my approach of being very dignified, not badmouthing him or OW, hiding my pain from my little DCs (but not from my friends) would somehow give DCs the idea that it was OK for a man to leave his wife for OW, because look - mummy doesn't seem to mind! Hopefully as they get older they will understand, and be in a position to form good relationships themselves. Hang in there choco, time will pass and you know how to lead a good and unselfish life - that counts for a lot.

Skyebluesapphire Wed 30-Jan-13 13:12:47

I don't see that you need his permission as to which preschool you send your child to, as long as it is good, and DS likes it, thats all that matters and I don't see how your XH can really have much input in that, as it is you who has to take him there etc, so it does need to be convenient for you.

You won't be able to register your child for actual school until he is 4 (?) anyway, and hopefully things will be settled down a bit by then.

chocoreturns Wed 30-Jan-13 13:15:32

thank you so much for everyone's replies - I've only got 5 minutes between baby napping and eating some lunch otherwise I'd reply to people properly. I just wanted to say that I'm feeling ok today. As usual the tidal wave of emotion has subsided and I am left with a mixture of sadness and resignation.

My beautiful boys make it ok. I've had a little love in with DS2 this morning, who has just started face lunging kissing me of his own accord. Despite him licking my face rather a lot, it is just so very lovely. Especially listening to him laughing right down to his belly every time.

I know that those of you who've been through this kind of dreadful weekend will understand how much it helps when one of those moments comes along (especially after energy-sucking nights of pacing the hall with a screaming, teething monster). It reminds me that I get all the glorious, meaningful, heartwarming moments that I wanted when I became a parent. And I know that whether STBXH gets them too isn't the point. I'm just bloody glad the children love me to bits (and so vocally too!!).

Aren't baby snogs all over your cheeks just the best?? grin

porridgeLover Wed 30-Jan-13 13:21:02

OOOOh I'm jealous choco. Those are the best bits. mmmmmmmm

And, again, you are so wise to focus on those bits and lock thoughts of twunt and turtlehead (T&T?) out of your head. They dont deserve the space.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 30-Jan-13 13:21:45

grin Lovely image choco.

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