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tomorrow I hand over my children to the OW for the first time

(1000 Posts)
chocoreturns Sat 26-Jan-13 22:44:42

I don't know what else to say, just need a hand hold tonight.

OW and STBXH are now house hunting 15 mins from my house, and spending EOW with my baby and DS. They have been lying about her being there right up until today. I finally reached the end of my tether, while listening to DS1 tell me all about house hunting with OW all day, having been told he was with only his dad and granny.

So I called STBXH and told him I'm over it, it's time to stop pretending I'm an ogre who can't bear to meet her, and to bring her to handover. If she's going to be on my doorstep and having my children in her home, I need to know who she is. She took my baby DS2 swimming with his dad today - it was his first swim. I am far beyond anger now and I'm just sad about it all sad

Not sure what to say to her, but I would like to take her to one side when STBXH is putting the kids in the car, and say look - I know you and I aren't going to be friends, but my children are my priority, and I need to know they are safe and happy when they're not with me. If you ever don't know what to do, or you're on your own with them and you think they need me, please know that it's ok to call me and I'll be fine with you. Then give her my number.

Is that mad? Or sensible and mature?

This is a moment I need a mumsnet straw poll sad

Oblomov Tue 29-Jan-13 03:28:31

I am so very sorry to read this. I am in awe of how dignified you are. You put my petty worries into perspective. I so hope you find some of the peace you deserve.

HermioneHatesHoovering Tue 29-Jan-13 05:18:29

"Parenting is a team of one, fielding a substitute bench of selfish fuckwits" - amen to that!

Choco I've read your previous threads and you have conducted yourself amazingly.
Your poor ds must be sooo confused with the "mummyow" thing. Don't they realise they are fucking with his head?!!

chocoreturns Tue 29-Jan-13 08:01:01

thanks everyone. I've had some sleep and I feel a bit better.

Today I'm going to talk to my HV and my DA people to say about what's happened and get some advice on how to move forwards.

Am trying not to wallow. You are all immensely helpful - thank you xx

cheeseandpineapple Tue 29-Jan-13 08:05:01

Good plan, Choco, so frustrating for you to have to go through renewed hurt. I think it makes MN's combined and copious blood boil when they hear what you have to deal with.

MummyOW is an absolute no no. Your DH is such a lousy shit for confusing your son. But you can reinforce with DS and remind him subtlety and in a way that isn't going to draw too much attention, that OW is "name" and not mummy, only one mummy and that's you, delivered regularly in same perfect, low key, positive way you did the first time.

Please though, despite the inevitable pain you are going through, don't let them poison your spirit.

Accepting a situation doesn't mean being defeated by it.

Accept that they are selfish, self serving, unreliable and untrustworthy. You cannot change this.

But you can manage your reaction to this and how you deal with them. Right now part of your job as mother to your wonderful DSs is to deal with some people in your life who sadly you can't fire or "terminate" but who you will have to deal with professionally and by that I mean, formally, structured and with legal intervention as and when needed. Just as you plan to do.

Agree with others about your inlaws. They are caught in the middle and although their loyalties are ultimately with arse wipe and turtle head, it sounds like they want to try and maintain a reasonable relationship with you, whatever their motive. You just know now to tread carefully with them too and ensure they are clear on your wishes.

You are the centre of your children's universe, as unbearable as it is letting them go to your ex and OW, this will not change. Whatever is said and done behind your back, you will not be replaced by some fucking cuckoo as far as your children are concerned.

Don't let any sadness about what's happening impact on your time with new potential beau, he is most probably rebound guy but just plan to have some fun with him, maybe it might turn out to be more but no expectations, just get yourself back in the saddle and see where it takes you!

saffronwblue Tue 29-Jan-13 08:13:07

Dear choco I am aghast at their behaviour. You are entitled to feel hurt, and incandescant with rage. You don't have to push those feelings down.

They are such fuckwits on every level that karma will be hurrying to catch up with them. Your job is to keep your dignity and integrity intact, as you have been and remind yourself that you are leading your life according to your values. Your dear little boys will always know who Mum is, through and through. OW will probably be gone in a year and your Ds will have completely forgotten her by the time he starts school.

Woohoo to the kiss!

chocoreturns Tue 29-Jan-13 08:22:45

smile have just changed OW name to turtle head in my phone lol.

indeed wohoo to the kiss, he text me last night saying how much he would like to see me again. AND I have another possible first date this week... I don't really want to being a relationship tbh but I'm definitely ready to be out in the world again and having conversations with single men. I left my marriage feeling hopeless, ugly and beaten down. It's rather nice to be reminded that actually, I'm pretty hot and decent men would like to get to know me.

BerylStreep Tue 29-Jan-13 08:59:42

Punches air with fist as if in bad American movie.

Go Choco.

<plays sound track to Rocky as Beryl has a fist pump moment> ; )

AgathaF Tue 29-Jan-13 09:22:25

Have loads of fun on your dates - you deserve it.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 29-Jan-13 09:53:55

"I'm sure that you WILL have the opportunity in the future to know what this feels like, and frankly I'm looking forward to when you do. Men like him, don't change."

Haha i love that!

I can't believe his family! I suppose they just want everything to be nice and fine and want you to keep the peace! Its probably hard for them to believe that their child is an arse. Parents do tend to believe everything their children tell them no matter what.

Did you say his dad was abusive as well or his stepdad?

What's a DA?

BerylStreep Tue 29-Jan-13 10:27:59

Domestic Abuse worker, I think.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 29-Jan-13 11:24:18

Thanks.

How was he abusive op? Sorry i missed that on your previous threads.

ProphetOfDoom Tue 29-Jan-13 12:15:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chocoreturns Tue 29-Jan-13 12:42:27

You're right Matilda, Cheese&P is definitely wise.

My HV recommended Cafcass and mediation to set ground rules re: contact. I am terrified by both those options right now, as I know how easily he seems to be able to make me look like a calculated, controlling, nasty vindictive ex. I am going to speak to the DA (yes, domestic abuse) team today. I don't really want to go into details right now, but it was financial, emotional and sexual during our relationship. I have struggled very hard to accept that the things that went on were not normal or loving or respectful and am on a Freedom course right now trying to sort out how to move on emotionally. I think because it was never physical I feel incredibly reluctant to explain as I worry people will think I'm oversensitive or lying or mad.

I'm going to write out the line you've pulled out (accepting a situation...) and stick it up on a mirror or a cupboard so I see it every day for a while.

On the plus side, I went and found a lovely preschool this morning and think I would really like to send my DS1 there. I hope that I don't have to deal with too much crap about his schooling now as well!!

MadamGazelleIsMyMum Tue 29-Jan-13 13:03:10

choco I followed your original thread and I wanted to say I think your behaviour has been dignified, gracious and courageous in the most difficult circumstances. Your children are so lucky to have you. I have no advice or any real experience to offer but wanted to say how incredibly well I think you are coping, even if you don't think you are.

arthriticfingers Tue 29-Jan-13 13:08:02

choco, check out the links at the top of the thread, and join us if you feel you want to.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1670070-Support-for-those-in-emotionally-abusive-relationships-16
Yey the Freedom Programme!

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 29-Jan-13 13:14:28

choco you are doing so well.

On the face of it, it does seem that Cafcass etc would be a good option - presumably the fact that you have support from your HV and DA team would add weight to your side of things?

ProphetOfDoom Tue 29-Jan-13 13:22:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chocoreturns Tue 29-Jan-13 13:38:37

thanks Matilda. I think I will just go ahead and organise it, while suggesting that he is welcome to visit and raise any concerns with my choice if he does so in good time. In the whole year our DS1 has been in nursery he has never once called them for a progress report or to give his contact details so I'm sure it's just another bluff from him to make himself sound good to the OW and PIL etc.

I've just called my sol to ask about where to go from here. It's another £300 just for the advice... I wish I had a limitless fund to fight him with but I am just watching the funds drain away and I know that I am going to end up crossing my fingers and hoping for the best if I don't get things sorted quickly.

5madthings Tue 29-Jan-13 13:44:07

check re preschool yes just do it but when it comes to school places you both need to agree, he has parental responsibility and if you applied and he disagreed he could get in touch with the kea who will not process the application unless you agree or worst case scenario it goes to court and they rule. If this is not done by the application deadline it could mean you miss out on your first choice and are allocated whatever is left over.

When the time comes hopefully he won't be a dick but you can get advice on the education board as there are a few posters who know the admissions rules etc, they will be able to advise you, fingers crossed it doesn't come to that xx

Enjoy your date!!!

5madthings Tue 29-Jan-13 13:45:50

Not check!! choco bloody auto correct!

ExasperatedSigh Tue 29-Jan-13 19:10:27

choco I haven't followed your threads as such but have been vaguely aware of what has been going on. I have to tell you this: you are amazing. Truly, genuinely, sandwich-droppingly amazing. You have met the devil with dignity, and your writing is wonderful.

Your ex is 100% skidmark. I hope he gets boils up his anus every day for the rest of his life.

Wishing you joy x

mathanxiety Tue 29-Jan-13 19:21:48

Free advice line for women. You might be able to get some details advised upon and save the big ones for the pricey solicitor.

mathanxiety Tue 29-Jan-13 19:26:09

By the same token, you can disagree about a school he chooses -- and don't underestimate his potential to disagree with your school choice just because he can. There doesn't have to be any other motivation except to get at you.

I recommend you find at least two or three other schools that would be fairly acceptable to you so he doesn't know which one to automatically rule out. Having a deadline for him to raise an objection and come up with at least four alternatives is a good idea too, but don't present yourself to him on a plate by having all your school eggs in one basket.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 29-Jan-13 19:36:48

It did cross my mind if he and turtle head are looking for houses close by to Choco's, at least that probably means they'll look at schools in the same vicinity. Fancy having to consider all this with those 2.

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