Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Was everyone's dad this weird or is it just mine? (Abuse?)

(75 Posts)
MrsPurr Sat 26-Jan-13 21:00:10

When I was younger, my dad, when he used to come in to say goodnight, used to come in and lay flat on top of me, while I was on my back, and sort of squash me. He also used to slobber on my cheek/in my ear and say, 'Will you be my girlfriend?' He used to do the slobber/girlfriend routine in front of my mum and she never said anything. This happened throughout my teens but stopped I think when I got my first serious boyfriend - which my dad was weird about, he was very aggressive with me but perhaps that was normal teenage girls and their dads stuff.
I have racked my brains but I don't think there was any actual abuse. Our relationship has been fine since I left home.
Is this normal, slightly over the line weird stuff, or totally freaking weird? Please talk to me honestly about what your dads were like with you.
I worry about it now as I'm pregnant with a girl and I am probably over thinking but don't want anything to happen to her. But perhaps I am totally over-reacting. I have a 3 yr old DS and my dad adores him but comes out with some odd comments. He's called him things like 'sexy legs' - when he was a baby! - which is odd. And can be quite cold to him when he's having a tantrum/screaming etc, saying to me, 'Leave it to me, I'll deal with him because I don't CARE!' - he acts like he's joking when he says this but it's not very funny. At Xmas we left DS with my parents to go to the cinema - when I got back DS was screaming his head off and Mum was sheepish. I think it was just a pre bedtime tantrum but I feel odd about it.
Last week we were all out for lunch and looking at my six month pregnant body, my dad said, out if nowhere, 'What happened to your tits?' (I guess he meant they looked smaller cos of my bump?) He was quite drunk and it felt pretty aggressive. Just to give you an idea of some if the weird comments he comes out with.
Probably just pregnancy hormones but I would welcome your perspective. To what extent is it normal for dads to flirt with their daughters? (And of course, if my DP did anything like that to our DD is kick him out - but he never would - I have married a completely different man from my dad!)

Not normal behaviour from your father at all. No need to swap stories about this to realise it is wrong.

OhToBeCleo Sat 26-Jan-13 21:07:54

Inappropriate behaviour at best. Would hate to consider the worst.

frustratedworkingmum Sat 26-Jan-13 21:08:38

He is a vile disgusting pig and i am sorry to say this but i wouldnt let my children anywhere near him, please don't leave them alone with this man. Im so sorry you have been through this, i think you need to talk this through with someone trained. You were abused, what you wrote made me go cold tbh.

Chubfuddler Sat 26-Jan-13 21:10:38

I think your father is a paedophile. Keep your children away from him.

cocolepew Sat 26-Jan-13 21:11:22

It's not normal for a dad to flirt with his daughter at all.

nellyjelly Sat 26-Jan-13 21:12:59

Bloody hell. Do not leave your kids with this man ever. Distance yourself from him. His behaviour is wrong.

MrsPurr Sat 26-Jan-13 21:13:38

If someone else told me their dad did this I'd condemn it if course. I guess because it never went further physically than my cheek or ear, I don't see it as abuse.
Does this mean my future DD is under threat? What can I do about it?
I also would love to talk to my younger sister about this. I don't think she experienced the same but I don't know. She is having a big midlife crisis at present basically down to very low self esteem. I wonder if these issues have been caused by dad. I have had three huge bouts if depression in my life and also suffer from low self esteem.
Can anything productively be done about this or us it just digging up a whole lot of buried stuff for no reason? I am only thinking about this at all because I'm pregnant with a girl I think.

Chubfuddler Sat 26-Jan-13 21:16:20

It's not just your daughter you need to protect.

What can you do? Cutting off contact for a start.

CartedOff Sat 26-Jan-13 21:17:58

Not normal in any way. Abusive and sickening. It sounds like he did as much as he thought he could get away with but would have liked to do more. I wouldn't let your children anywhere near him.

The fact that your mother witnessed all of that but didn't say anything makes me think that you can't trust her to step in if something dodgy happened with regards to him and your children. She either didn't recognise how dodgy it was or closed her eyes to it.

Erm no, this is beyond weird behaviour and I wouldn't let my children near him! Would you let your dp do this to your dd? Nope! I think you already know that this isn't right by your concern about anything happening to your dd - you don't want her to go through what you went through.

There is no rationalising or justifying your fathers actions and behaviour, or your mothers for being complicit in this.

nickelbabe Sat 26-Jan-13 21:22:31

definitely wrong.
and you must not leave your son alone with your parents either (not even your myn because she appears to be enabling it)

Wowserz129 Sat 26-Jan-13 21:23:17

Sorry but all these things are completely inappropriate behaviour and not normal at all. Big red flags waving!

Please protect your children, if you have even an inkling of a doubt which you obviously do your duty is to protect your children!

Hope you get some good advice from the other ladies.

Forgetfulmog Sat 26-Jan-13 21:23:44

My mum didn't adequately protect me & my Dsis from my grandfather. Luckily nothing happened to me but it did to my Dsis. As a mother you MUST protect your children & you MUST NOT let your children have anything to do with your dad. What you suffered is abuse. Please don't let the same thing happen to your children.

Have you spoken to your OH about it? I think the easiest thing you can do first is to stop contact with your parents while you work out how to proceed. I know there are charities you can speak to about this sort of thing, but I'm not sure if you would be able to press charges against him (not an expert in this field).

The most important thing is that you MUST protect your children.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you, what an awful, awful thing

LuluMai Sat 26-Jan-13 21:24:48

Not normal at all! My dad has never once commented on my body, I think he'd be mortified if I did. He is a lovely relaxed man who was never aggressive with me as a teen or would dream of lying on top of me! Definite alarm bells!

nickelbabe Sat 26-Jan-13 21:27:07

mum

CailinDana Sat 26-Jan-13 21:28:41

IMO the best thing for you and both your children would be to cut off contact completely. Staying in touch with an abuser means you can never move on fully. It's very tough accepting these awful truths about parents and removing them from your life but I can just about guarantee, that, along with some counselling, will improve your life massively in the long run.

Have you told your DP about what happened?

MrsPurr Sat 26-Jan-13 21:30:18

When I say 'aggressive with me' - NEVER physically. Just picking arguments with me, belittling my interests etc. The majority of the time he was a living, funny, normal dad. But there was a definite rough patch when I was in the last years of school.
I have no idea how often the weird flirting thing would happen but not daily. I didn't live in horror of him coming to tuck me in. I think I thought this was all normal! Or at least that he was a bit of a loser.
There is nothing to be gained by prosecuting him surely?
If anyone has details of charities I could speak to about this I'd welcome that. I think it would be an overreaction to cut him out of my life.

Chubfuddler Sat 26-Jan-13 21:33:51

An over reaction? Really?

So what ate you going to say to your son or daughter when they tell you grand dad has been touching them or lying onbthem or slobbering on them?

Good luck with that.

<hides thread>

CailinDana Sat 26-Jan-13 21:34:07

If you won't cut contact, will you at least ensure that your children are never alone with him?

Sheshelob Sat 26-Jan-13 21:35:14

Whatever the reason for his inappropriate behaviour can you not tell him that it makes you feel uncomfortable? My dad is a bully. He is very difficult and inappropriate, but not sexually abusive in any way. He does objectify women and i found that this applied to me when i came of age. Comments about my body and my choice in men. Ick. But I have always called him on his bullshit. It isn't easy but clear boundaries can help your own sanity if nothing else.

It is gutting to realise you have a dad who is fucked up, and uncomfortable calling him on his shit. My dad never accepted how inappropriate his behaviour was and is, so I choose not to see him anymore. It is sad, but necessary.

Hope you get to the bottom of it x

chucksaway Sat 26-Jan-13 21:35:32

be careful leaving your kids alone with your parents from what you have said already your dad dominates your mum so even her presence is not enough

CailinDana Sat 26-Jan-13 21:36:27

Actually what I mean is will you at least ensure you are always with your children when your father is around? I wouldn't trust him with your mother around as she allowed him to abuse you so there's nothing to say that she will protect her grandchildren.

MrsPurr Sat 26-Jan-13 21:38:17

Thanks Sheshelob. I appreciate your comment. I will definitely call him on this shit next time. The 'tits' comment has really pissed me off, oddly, like I give a shit what he thinks of my body.
The slobber business happened when I was a teenager. I don't remember anything out of order happening when I was younger. I could do with talking to someone who knows what they're talking about about this as my feeling is he poses no threat at all to a child. But I could be wrong.

KumquatMae Sat 26-Jan-13 21:38:37

It was abuse. Just because it was your dad not a random stranger doesn't mean it wasn't abuse. And your mother was complicit in it for reasons unknown. Would you think this was just "a bit weird" behaviour if your daughter said a friend's dad had done it to her? Or a teacher?
Keep your future children away from him.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now