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Is this emotional abuse? Please advise.

(52 Posts)
lupo Sat 26-Jan-13 19:24:46

DH if often prone to sudden outbursts that come from nowhere and then he acts as if nothing has happened. Today driving home the conversation goes as follows.

Him: I am going to stop and get some mushrooms.
Me: Oh I bought some yesterday so no need
Him: fgs I just want to go into shop for vegetables
Me: erm ok

He comes out empty handed and I say 'what did you need to get'

Him: Fgs I just wanted to get a fizzy drink
Me_ Oh well why didnt you just be honest in the first place. ? Why mention mushrooms.
Him: fine I will be honest ..I don't always like you when you are being like this...

WTF. This was all said infront of ds who got upset. It happened just after dh beeped at another driver for getting too close...

I normally leave it but today told him he was being increduble hurtful.

His response was that I am a shit wife, treat him badly and never stick up for him.

I am pretty placid, he often kicks off over nothing. I am pretty sure am a good wife also. The blaime is also shifted on to me and I find these incidents pretty upsetting. Any one shed any light? I get regular I love you text etc so don't think the love has gone on his part.

Is this part of normal life, am I overreacting. help!!!

lupo Sat 26-Jan-13 19:25:18

DH if often prone to sudden outbursts that come from nowhere and then he acts as if nothing has happened. Today driving home the conversation goes as follows.

Him: I am going to stop and get some mushrooms.
Me: Oh I bought some yesterday so no need
Him: fgs I just want to go into shop for vegetables
Me: erm ok

He comes out empty handed and I say 'what did you need to get'

Him: Fgs I just wanted to get a fizzy drink
Me_ Oh well why didnt you just be honest in the first place. ? Why mention mushrooms.
Him: fine I will be honest ..I don't always like you when you are being like this...

WTF. This was all said infront of ds who got upset. It happened just after dh beeped at another driver for getting too close...

I normally leave it but today told him he was being increduble hurtful.

His response was that I am a shit wife, treat him badly and never stick up for him.

I am pretty placid, he often kicks off over nothing. I am pretty sure am a good wife also. The blaime is also shifted on to me and I find these incidents pretty upsetting. Any one shed any light? I get regular I love you text etc so don't think the love has gone on his part.

Is this part of normal life, am I overreacting. help!!!

MaureenShit Sat 26-Jan-13 19:27:30

I'd check his mobile phone use.

lupo Sat 26-Jan-13 19:31:19

He has walked before and I have always ended up apologising that I am a shit wife even when clearly not my fault. Maybe it is used as a form of control? He has always been like this- pretty sure there is no one else

colditz Sat 26-Jan-13 19:32:11

Any history of drug use?

myroomisatip Sat 26-Jan-13 19:33:08

Yes. I would class that as abusive. I also predict that it will get worse sad

porridgeLover Sat 26-Jan-13 19:35:07

No. I dont think you are over-reacting.

Will he sit to listen and have a conversation with you about a topic that you are not quite in agreement about?
Or does he have to 'win'?
How does he speak about other people? Are there large groups that he thinks are stupid, thick, lazy?

If yes to all of the above, you are either in, or on the way to, bullying from him.

arthriticfingers Sat 26-Jan-13 19:35:15

Check out the links at the top of this thread and come and talk to us if you want to.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1655328-Support-thread-for-those-in-Emotionally-abusive-relationships-15

lupo Sat 26-Jan-13 19:37:51

yes , porridge, does often refer to groups of people as being stupid thick etc.

lupo Sat 26-Jan-13 19:50:37

bump

ParsleyTheLioness Sat 26-Jan-13 19:58:49

This is bad, and has shades of 'gas lighting' about it also...sorry.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Sat 26-Jan-13 20:04:36

I have to say, I also thought it sounded like an excuse to use his mobile.

If he went in the shop for a fizzy drink, why did he come out empty handed?

lupo Sat 26-Jan-13 20:07:58

any solutions? So not my fault right? Am sick of being made out to be unreasonable etc. He`also says I am shouting when I am not !

porridgeLover Sat 26-Jan-13 20:20:30

There is no solution that you can come up with that will change what he does or how he reacts. Nothing you can do.

What you can do is inform yourself, become aware of what he is doing, believe the voice in your gut that says this is not right. Defend yourself, to yourself.
As you become more aware, and stronger, you will find it easier to stand up to him.
At which point, he will either escalate to put you 'back in your place'..... or he may see the error of his ways and seek to improve how he relates to you. I will give you £100 if he does the second. sad

So first off, do as arthritic says, go look at the thread, look at what other people have been through (you are not alone), educate yourself.

If you have a good library or can download books, I found this good.
Others here recommend Lundy Bancroft.

lupo

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Such men never change; all you can ultimately do in such circumstances is leave.

This is about power and control; abuse is about power and control. There are an awful lot of red flags here in your relationship. All his behaviuours are par for the course for abusive men, he is following that script to the letter.

Your H is an extremely poor role model for your DS to look up to; this relationship is broken and is really not fit for purpose. What do you want to teach your child about relationships?.

BertieBotts Sat 26-Jan-13 20:23:58

I don't know. It sounds hard to judge from that one example. But if you have to ask the question it does make me wonder...

How does he generally act when he's angry or upset about something? How does he react in an argument, for example. And if he upsets you, how does he react to that - is he worried or does he shrug it off?

You say maybe he uses (his behaviour) as a form of control - is he controlling, then?

BertieBotts Sat 26-Jan-13 20:25:45

In fact, let me re-word that - do you get the feeling that he likes/needs to be in control, especially within your relationship?

lupo Sat 26-Jan-13 20:40:13

The thing is this sort of stuff happens about four times a year , rest of the time things are good, so I guess that is why I am still here. If it was more regukar I would prob leave tbh

garlicblocks Sat 26-Jan-13 20:49:10

The incident with the mushrooms/veg/drink/nothing is EXTREMELY odd. No, it's not normal; no, it's not you.

You said DS got upset, so I assume H was shouting or snarling? It doesn't come across in your post.

So, never mind how often he says he's going to do something which he doesn't do before doing something else and claiming it's what he said he was going to do [phew]! We'll look at that in a minute.

How often does he shout, snarl, call other people stupid, harass other drivers?
How often does he call you stupid, etc?
What does he say when you tell him he's scaring you or DS?
Does he throw things? Has he broken any stuff in anger?
Does he block you way so he can tell you off?

lupo Sat 26-Jan-13 21:10:23

Hi garlic, no doesn't call me names as such, but often beeps horns at other drivers etc. Doesn't throw stuff, or shout .quitegood dad with ds etc. It is just these sudden unreasonable outbursts and cruel comments to me that come from nowehere. When I explain how unreasonable and hurtful he has been, then he reverts to blaiming and points out my flaws and what a rubbish wife I am. He says 'I am not going to be seen as the bad guy, then You are (insert criticisms about me..' If I don't call him on his behaviour than nothing happens and all reverts to normal.

I just don't understand where it all comes from and over something trivial like mushrooms fgs!

frustratedworkingmum Sat 26-Jan-13 21:13:44

Is he well? why would you go to the shop for mushrooms and then come out with a fizzy drink? Unless the shop didn't have mushrooms and you happned to fancy a drink, which then he woudl have said "oh, there were no mushrooms, i fancied a drink, do you want some?" not react defensively.

lupo Sat 26-Jan-13 21:15:26

frusterated, good point..I def think he is unhinged sometimes. The vicious things he says to me are getting harder to deal with

garlicblocks Sat 26-Jan-13 21:16:33

"His response was that I am a shit wife, treat him badly and never stick up for him."

He does call you names sad

So NONE of this happens more than four times a year, when it all happens at once? Or is there some low-level anger going on in between?

I'm interested to hear whether you watch yourself in between times, perhaps taking care not to set him off. Also, does he do weird stuff like the shop incident four times a year? What other examples are there?

garlicblocks Sat 26-Jan-13 21:20:38

Can you have proper rows with him during 'normal' times? Or does he always resort to personal attacks, meaning you never get to make your case or criticise his?

lupo Sat 26-Jan-13 21:33:53

no always resorts to personal attacks so I end up getting upset rather than getting my point across. Yes, would say that there is low level anger over the neighbour who doesn't need to work, other dads have nicer cars (ds at prep school) and more money, all his money goes on family, his mum preferhis brother , and prob that I am a shit wife while other men have nicer ones I should imagine. Lots of little petty things tbh. Now have written it all down doesn't sound ideal.

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