Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
DH and work colleague, am I overreacting ?(45 Posts)
Serial lurker but first time post so bear with me.
For a week or two I have had a sense that my DH has been up to something. His phone has been surgically attached to him and he has been taking phone calls from a female work colleague in private. It has been as though every time my back was turned he was Been on the phone, added to this i have heard him on two occasions talking to her late at night. this week i came down stairs and asked who had been on the phone to and he told me his male colleague and how he had texted DH saying stuff about work so he called him. On Friday after another secret call I asked him what was going on. To cut a long story short, it wasn't his male colleague but the female one he had been sPeaking to and had phoned her. I asked to look at his phone and there are at least 4 calls a day to this woman. There are texts which look innocent enough but he has put kisses on them, which strikes me as weird because he's not that kind of person to send kisses to someone. He says he put kisses all the time to people at work but when i asked for proof he couldn't. he says the calls are because she has some problems at the minute that he is helping her through. He practically wrestled me to the floor when I got hold of his phone a second time !! He has lied and I don't know what to think !! Am I overreacting ? Is speaking to another woman late at night when I'm asleep appropriate ? Is it weird he speaks to her so much ( sometimes in front of me about work stuff)? Opinions please x
To be fair to him, this is quite obviously the first time he's got involved in a dodgy situation, since he's extraordinarily crap at covering his arse - and at making something supposedly entirely innocent actually look entirely innocent...
As long as this continues, I'd be saying quite blankly that you do not believe him and that this is eroding all the trust in your relationship and that you're not happy. So if he continues, then he's quite obviously saying that those things don't matter to him. And then you have your answer.
Yes, he is a totally shit wannabe adulterer
It's really quite laughable
Either that, or he has fuck-all respect for your intelligence
I am not sure which is worst
He's either a wannabe adulterer or he's a has been who wants another 5 minutes of
fun fame with the ow.
It's bad enough he's had, or wants to have, his leg over with this ow, but insulting your intelligence would be another matter entirely if it weren't for the fact that he obviously believes he can have his cake and eat it and you'll be dumb enough to let him.
What do you intend to do about it?
What makes it 'obvious' this is the first time, MM?
IME spouses who cheat are capable of having what one might call 'dispassionate adulterous liaisons' which consist of little more than scratching an itch and which don't encompass late night
It's only when emotions become engaged that longing and yearning for the newly beloved tends to cause the type of errors which give rise to suspicion in the cheatee.
You're absolutely right Izzy - I was just trying to take the piss out of him a little bit, since really, he's displaying such a total lack of imagination as to behave in an utterly textbook way. As AF says, it's laughable.
Not the situation obviously, but his behaviour.
Blimey, you lot are good.
Ok so I have had the conversation today about this being an inappropriate friendship and all contact is for w
Sorry, new to this
Work only. He is lying I know him well enough to see it in his eyes. I just needed to hear someone else say it, if that makes sense !
Will talk tonight and give it to him straight (again)!!
Thanks your advice, really appreciate it. Will let you know what other bollock excuses he comes out with tomorrow.
Ok - so that is you giving him a chance to cut it off now.
I don't usually join these kinds of threads, but he is so blatantly lying that I feel awful for you.
Nobody just sends kisses on a text to anyone unless they are intimately involved with them, whether that be emotionally or physically. He is trying to take you for a fool.
Hope everything goes ok with the talk tonight Gulson, will be thinking of you.
We don't need to need to know him or see it in his eyes because, as AF and MM have said, it's classic textbook behaviour as outlined on page 1 of the philanderer's script.
It would be a refreshing change if your twunt suprises us with a new
load of bolleaux excuse but, depressingly, it will be a mishmash of the usual including how very unreasonable you are to expect him not to help a woman colleague who's as keen as he his to get his flies undone in need of his particular help and understanding.
Expect a violin and a few choruses of '
why don't you trust me, baby' followed by petulance and a strop when you make it clear that you're not falling for it and he's you're not having it.
I been there with a man who was a potential cheat, i got the "My exes never let me have female friends" line and everything he did to me, he did to his gf after me too.
He'll whine, moan, probably cry, try to make you feel paranoid or mean, give it to him straight, eat the cake or have it, there is no both, dont let him take you for a mug, because he'll try too.
He sounds like my xh, who now has a baby with the work woman who was going through issues. Such a cliched script, but they all seem to follow it.
Dp sends me texts with kisses on them and nothing else because he considers them to be really intimate.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this shit. Many of us have been through it and come out the other side - let us help.
he might not have thought to delete Skype messages or computer history. I urge you to take a closer look because it might tell you what you need to know.
Hopefully your chat tonight will end things. If that is a friendship that may have overstepped the line or a full blown affair then you will have to decide what to do and if you can accept/forgive and move on....
But please Gulson prepare yourself in case you ever discover hard evidence in the future. Do not immediately confront him with the evidence without 'saving' it first. Make sure you know how to forward texts, emails etc or know how to take a screen shot.... Hopefully you will never need to gather such evidence but it helps to be prepared....especially if your man has a habit of denying and deflecting.
Just been there, still there. Strange how the woman at work has problems "being treated badly". Exactly the same with my OH - damsel in distress syndrome - he even helped her with job applications, presentation and now she has got the job and an extra £500 of Xmas pressies and she wants to let him down gently... having created a massive crisis for me and OH. He is still pining for her - mooning around/looking depressed and unfulfilled but staying for children and me ... but the jury's out .. might just be staying for home comforts..taking me for a mug.. as he may have been by OW. Hope she enjoys her new job not!
Oh lord, deb, that's awful. Sorry. And for you OP too.
Deb,, why haven't you put the mooning arsehole out? It must be very difficult and demeaning to look at his stupid face every day. Your respect for him must be in the toilet. God knows where his is for you.
My Xh never put kisses on texts to anyone but me, until he got friendly with OW. She puts xx on messages to all her friends... he then put them on all messages to her. They claimed that they were supporting each other.
He was texting 100 times a day, as soon as he left the house, right through the day, and after I had gone to bed. Emailing her, ringing her, all to give her "emotional support" and ALL of it was hidden from me. his phone was chained to his side, he slept with it and I was no longer allowed to touch it. I never gave it a thought at the time, as I trusted him.....
When I confronted him , having found mobile records and emails, (he had already left by then, having suddenly walked out claiming that he no longer loved me), he said that he didnt contact her that much, that they were just friends, that her H knew (his best mate......).
I divorced him last November after he left at Easter. He is still contacting her behind her H's back.
What your H is doing is not right, anything that is hidden from your partner is wrong. if it was genuine and he had no feelings, he would say oh X is having a bad time, I have been texting her to make sure that is OK, I hope you dont mind.....
Your H is bang out of order. I am really really sorry that you have to go through this, but you need to get tough with him, tell him that you do not accept that he is in contact with another woman, that he has to cut all contact, or he can sod off.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
well said Matilda.
It is very much about what Gulson wants. Doesn't matter what her H wants. he has made his decision to start contacting another woman in secret.
It is now Gulson's decision as to whether she will accept that or not.
I didn't deal with my situation very well, as I was desperate to get XH back and found out after he left and tried to see the best in it.
If I had discovered the deception before he left me, I would have dealt with things in a very different way....
How did your talk go, Gulson?
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.