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Friends wandering husband after another friend... (sorry long)

(53 Posts)
Kione Sat 26-Jan-13 14:07:02

My friend has given me permission to write this there and get your opinions as she doesn't come here. Its a sticky situation to say the least and we could do with looking at it with fresh eyes. Here it goes:

I am very close to my friend that I will call "Funky Friend", she is fun and attractive, with a strong personality. She is also very very close to this other girl who i could say is my friend too but lately we haven't been as close, but not a problem about that, just how life goes. Lets call this other girl "MumsyWife" because she seems to be more of her partners mum than his wife. She is a bit older, cooks for him, does everything for him, they have a neraly 6 year old and she doesn't have many more friends and other things to do apart from them and Funky Friend.

I have heard from yet another person in the past, maybe 4 years ago that MumsyWife's partner, lets call him Wandering HUsband, has cheated on her, unashamedly in at least one party. But that was left like that.

Talking to Funky Friend the other day, she tells me that after all had dinner at her house at Christmas Eve, Funky Friend has a partner and a child too, Wandering Husband texted her from outside her house asking her to come out and telling her he wanted her basically. She ignored the texts, as she wasn't sure who he was as she didn't have his number recorded on her phone. The next day MumsyWife told her that Wandering Husband had gone to a party but only stayed for 30 min. and came back home. Funky Friend checked the messages again and realise it was him. Next time she saw him (she walkes her DS to school and often Wandering Husband will give her a lift to work from there, kids go to the same school) in the car she told him jokingly and to get an explanation and apology, how drunk he was and what stupid things he said. He then said, he wasn't that drunk and that he meant it. Then he continued texting her over the week wanting to meet her, telling her he dreamt with her and didn't want only dreams and stuff like that.

She showed me the messages. I told her to immediately tel MumsyWife, that if it was me I'd like to know to dump the bastard! BUT... apparently many years ago MumsyWife had anothering Wandering Boyfriend who also chased Funky Friend and when Funky Friend told her MumsyWife went ballistic with her, blaming her and they fell out big time for many months. A few years ago Funky Friend heard the same rumous as me about Wandering Husband and hinted something to MumsyWife and she completely denied it and gor a bit cross that Funky Friend thought this.

SO, that is how things are; Funky Friend loves her like a sister, doesn't want to lose her, MumsyWife's son calles her auntie and with DS's have a very close friendship too, I mean they do most things (hobbies, outings, etc.) toghether, and this could potentially break all this up.

no need to explain that Funky Friend is completely disgused with Wandering Husband and we couldn't find the nastiest words to describe his betrayal.

So, the quaestion is, what would you do? would you tell MumsyWife, even knowing that she might deny it all and break the relantionship? Just leave it like that as they might me a chance that she know he is like that and decides to ignore it...

Its all very sad because he has come in between a very very long strong friendship, longer that he has been in the picture and it could destroy his family, friendship between two girls and freindship between DS's. Such a fucking selfish bastard!!

Anyway. Any thought apreciated. Thanks.

Januarymadness Sat 26-Jan-13 14:21:14

Normally I would say tell her. However, in this case, past behaviour indicates she doesn't actually wany to know.

In this case I would say your friends problem is directly with the wandering husband. She needs to draw a line in the sand and make it clear that any more inappropriate behaviour WILL result in her telling regardless of the consequenses. She then needs to stop accepting lifts!

Kione Sat 26-Jan-13 14:31:58

she has told him that if he continues she will tell her and he said he will tell MumsyWife that they slept together. My friend doesnt accept lifts but diesnt want to make things ibvious ad she is scared that he will start making things up! he is really twisted sad .

meditrina Sat 26-Jan-13 14:41:31

Wandering Husband sounds pretty sleazy from this

FF needs to keep well clear: no more lifts etc, and never alone with him. She also needs think about confiding in her DP because, on the assumption that she lives transparently as far as he is concerned, his help may be important in exploding any nasty little lies WH may tell about her ('No, you can't have met her then because I know she was doing XX. Why are you telling your wife such nonsense?')

You both need to be ready to help MW when it all goes wrong as she will really need support. He will get fed up of FF stonewalling him. She's unlikely to be the only person he targets for an affair.

Kione Sat 26-Jan-13 14:47:30

FF hasn't got a goot relationship with her partner, so his help is out of the question. WH probably knows this he us such an bastard. He has done it lots of times and sometime soon he is going on holiday to Brazil with his mates... angry

Kione Sat 26-Jan-13 14:49:35

we wilk be ready to support MF but she is the sort of person that doesnt like her priblems to be known, she likes pretending and making everyone believe that her life is great. So it really wont be easy for her to accept this.

Kione Sat 26-Jan-13 14:54:18

sorry, cant spell properly from the phone

greeneyed Sat 26-Jan-13 16:29:59

I'm sorry but if she is such a good friend, she needs to show her the texts, accept the outcome may be bad

Kione Sat 26-Jan-13 16:59:25

I told her that, but she is so scared that he is going to start messing then and they will all fall out she won't believe her and nothing good comes out! I told her to text him to F Off and saying that she is not interested in case he start saying that they had something, but her relationship with her own DP is in shambles for something similar and to be honest it is the last thing she needs

Kione Sat 26-Jan-13 17:00:43

and I think Wandering Husband is taking advantage of that!

battyfum Sat 26-Jan-13 17:42:04

Tell her to keep all the messages, and to warn him that if he doesn't back off, she will be reporting him to the police for harassment. If she keeps all texts, then it will prove that it is him being a fucking prick. And if it was me, I would have to tell my friend and I would show her the messages so she could see for herself.

Whocansay Sat 26-Jan-13 17:44:48

I think all FF can do is go on the offensive. Tell MF that her husband is harrassing her and tell her that if he doesn't back off she will go to the police. She can show her these texts and tell her what he's threatened to do if she breaks her silence. Then she can block this guy and its no longer her problem.

FF must also talk to her dp, as he may be able to help, even if they are a bit rocky.

I'm sure no-one wants to hurt MF, but it seems to be her choice to put up with his cheating. Atr least she will have all the information and everyone has been honest with her.

ironhorse Sat 26-Jan-13 23:05:32

cant ff leave her phone somewhere and make an excuse and ask MF to look something up on her phone so she sees the txt messages accidently. could ff also not tell her she doesnt know who the messages are from if his number isnt stored in her phone, she could just say its some weirdo txting her but mf would recognise his number.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Sat 26-Jan-13 23:27:00

Sorry but I think that last idea is a really really really bad one.

kalidanger Sat 26-Jan-13 23:42:51

Intervention. Both you and FF tell Mumsywife what's been going on. I expect her reaction will be very different. Make sure you know EXACTLY what's been going on with WH and FF though. 100% everything.

Kione Sun 27-Jan-13 08:11:48

I also think telling her is best FF cant get support from DP that is out of the question, he wouldnt suport her. I think WH knows this.
If necessary I will ask her to read these opinions. I havent spoken to her this weekend yet so not sure how has WH been but I am sure FF hasnt said anything yet.
Thanks a lot for your replies, I will insist that she tells MW

AllOverIt Sun 27-Jan-13 08:20:46

If you can both be there, that might be better.

Gigondas Sun 27-Jan-13 08:29:13

Sorry if ff can't tell dp I would be more focused on this issue as hardly speaks of great relationship.

Block wh, don't accept lifts and ignore him. I suspect MW know what he is like but is in denial hence her reaction.

HecateWhoopass Sun 27-Jan-13 08:33:56

She needs to tell her.

If your other friend chooses to blame her then that is unfortunate.

but you, your friend AND your other friend will know that it's not true.

The price your friend may pay may well be the loss of your other friend's friendship - but it is a price worth paying to get him off her back. If he continues to harrass her, she should consider telling him that she considers it sexual harrassment and will be reporting him to the police.

why wouldn't her partner support her? She is being harrassed by someone. What partner wouldn't be there for someone he loved if they were going through that?

Sounds like BOTH your friends are in shitty, fucked up relationships.

Kione Sun 27-Jan-13 09:14:55

FF's relationship is not what we are talking here, she is going through the process of sepparation so lets leave that there. I mentioned her DP as he was at the house at Christmas Eve, but my guess wiyld be that he wasn't in the room with them.

Kione Sun 27-Jan-13 09:17:50

I dont think.I should be present when FF speaks to MW, I will offer but u think this would make it even more difficult fir MW as we havent been close for a while and she diesnt like people to know when something doesnt look so rosy, that is why she reqcts badly when previous affairs have been hinted.

Kione Sun 27-Jan-13 09:18:51

sorry spelling, touch screen envy

kalidanger Sun 27-Jan-13 11:36:23

If she always reacts the same way and FF always gets blamed then you're going to have to do something different, aren't you?

greeneyed Sun 27-Jan-13 11:48:52

Is your freind worried she is somehow culpable in all this, was there some flirty texts back? If she has kept the texts and they are all completely onesided where would MW have the room to not accept her version of events? If you were there too it would make it difficult for MW to just throw blame at FF as she knows another party knows the truth.

She may react badly if she knows the truth because she feels backed into a corner to do something about it when perhaps she doesn't want to. Make it clear you just wanted her to know and will leave it up to her how she responds.

Kione Sun 27-Jan-13 13:27:41

No, she hasnt send any texts, only spoken to him when she sees him, she looks after his son after school and he picks him up. That is why I tild her to text him back saying to f off and keep those too. She hasnt replied to my texts this weekend so not sure where things are niw.

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