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dh won't let me spend time with ds

(90 Posts)
Domesticsloven Sat 26-Jan-13 12:10:28

Have posted about dh before under different name but deleted as too much information on the net and could well be outed? I know this may be safer in chat but want the relationship wise advice.
Dh is a domineering personality with slight bullying tendencies but very strong on having his own way with no insight to what he does.
I work long hours and weekend shifts and cannot change this as it is part of my training and compulsory. I don't like it but have asked to alter and told not possible.
When I am home 3 sats out of 4 I like to spend time with ds say half the weekend. But now my dh is always there he just can't and won't back off at all, dominating all the weekend time and hardly even letting me chat to ds about his week at school etc without him talking me down, butting in and over riding me. Dh is alone with ds all the times I am not there, I never get time alone with him as he is part of dads plan, dad is there or he actively chooses to go with dad instead of with me.
Our [ dh and I]relationship is just about ok enough to live in the same house, in that we are cordial most of the time and organise things between us, although there are periods when I have not been happy due to his attitude and wanted him to leave which he refused.
I appreciate I may not like coming second best in ds life when previously I was the one in charge of everything prior to going back to full time plus 3 yrs ago and this is in part inevitable, but dh should back me up to join in rather than continuously taking over when \i am home, and when I sort of tag along they are the main participants and I am a sort of hanger on while they make the decisions about what to do for the day.
Today they are out again I have been told I " can go if I want in my own car" but last week did this and they moved on to other plans and I just came back home again alone after the activity while they went for lunch etc. I fought hard to get to take ds swimming which was fantastic for a while but now dh has substituted another activity on saturdays and they agreed together today ds will not do swimming anymore { I organised the swimming and enjoy taking him]. Dh has organised tennis which is great but he is the one taking him.

This is making me sad and I have no power and is wrong on every level yet I feel powerless. Ds goes along with what dad says and I am worried about him missing me as well as the utter dysfunctionality of it all.
I am very sad about this.
I have been on brink of divorce the only thing holding me back is ds may choose to spend more time with dh and I would see even less of him, ds was distraught when I said to him parents sometimes did things differently and drifted apart and wanted to live separately... he was absolutely against this and if dh portrayed me as the instigator of the family split and ruining everything I may lose ds altogether.Ds said he " doesn't want to live with me on his own "
I am a great parent and he is doing ds and me a great disservice but I can't sort this out. Also I had years of bringing up dc and am sensible, dh is ok but he has very fixed ideas about things and does not always set a good example, so I don't want him to have excessive influence. Ds is 10.
Have mammoth posted so no drip feed.
Oh yes have obv spoken to dh he says I am being ridiculous

Please help.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 26-Jan-13 12:24:49

"I have been on brink of divorce the only thing holding me back is ds may choose to spend more time with dh and I would see even less of him, "

A ten year-old will not have a lot of say in which parent he spends more or less time with in reality. Unless one or other parent is abusive or dangerous the starting point is 50/50... and that will be more access to your DS than you get now.

I'm appalled that you are being treated as an outsider to your own family by this bully. 'Allowed' to tag along at weekends but then he goes off and does his own thing? hmm I'm extremely disturbed that your DS is already being primed by his father to see you as a bad mother or - worse - irrelevant. It's emotional abuse of a different kind to brainwash a child.

Please seek legal advice so that you are more sure of your ground in the event of a divorce.

Man alive, that's awful. What century is this!

Definitely seek advice. This doesn't sound like a marriage.

Hope you can see a clear path soon.

Hissy Sat 26-Jan-13 12:31:15

He's stealing your son from you.

I hope that you can see that. I hope that it's not too late to stop it. You need to get advice FAST, you need to break this up. It won't be easy, but you will love him forever if you don't stop him excluding you from the family.

I think if you do divorce, you will get more court appointed time with him and as the way of the land is, you can fight for your son to live with you 50 % of the time and expect that to be honoured.

Domesticsloven Sat 26-Jan-13 12:33:50

I see it it is why I am here

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 26-Jan-13 13:01:01

I don't know what to suggest that hasn't been suggested but hope you are able to dig your heels in. Of course a child isn't a possession to be fought over but what gives your H the right to block you.

Without badmouthing his father I hope you can reassure your DS he is very much moved by and important to you.

Tryharder Sat 26-Jan-13 13:01:55

What would stop you actually getting in the car with them when your DS and DH go out? Would he manhandle you out? I think you need to call him on this if you have not done so already. Do you think he planning to divorce you and then go for full custody on the grounds that you are not involved in your DS's life?

I am sorry, he sounds like a true bastard and I rarely say that on here.

Is he a SAHD. Could you go part time at work and force him to get a job?

HeyHoHereWeGo Sat 26-Jan-13 13:09:45

Oh god your post is so sad, it makes me think that really children only have one childhood, and this childhood forms the very bones of their future relationships and personality.

If I were you, I would seel legal advice.
You may need to box clever.
I dont know what that is - take redundancy/ work less hours to establish more contact pre splitting.

Remember if you split - even if DH gets majority resedency, you would still get time ALONE with your son. You would have a least SOME part of the week when you get to parent your son and he gets to see you as a fully functioning actual person and parent and ot just a ghosty background voice to be ignored.

Hugs and support.

Domesticsloven Sat 26-Jan-13 13:10:38

I know what is happening but don't know how to handle it.

I don't want to have an open war about what we do every saturday. This am I said I would pick ds up from tennis and bring him home if he liked.

Last sat I told dh plain that this sat I am doing the swimming run. I am working all next fri sat sun . He knows this.

Dh said in front of ds while walking to car "Why are you making such a big fuss about it, it happens every saturday"
nodded knowingly at ds and they both walked off.

HeyHoHereWeGo Sat 26-Jan-13 13:10:41

Oops, residency
and NOT just a ghoust....

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 26-Jan-13 13:19:32

"I know what is happening but don't know how to handle it."

I think you have to stand up for yourself. In your original post I got the impression that you think by working FT you have somehow created a situation where you are #2 and therefore your expectations about your position as your DS's mother are rather low. You gave me the impression (apologies if I'm wrong about this) that you don't deserve better because you're not the SAHP.

I think that's all wrong. Like the rest up us workers you are an equal parent and you should demand respect ... not simply allow your husband to steamroller you out of the way, giving your DS knowing nods and being condescending in the process.

So stand up for yourself, object, make a fuss, refuse to comply with their plans. Don't include your son in the argument and don't allow him to sway the decision either. Children will try to please the scarier parent.... The only way to meet a bully is head on.

Domesticsloven Sat 26-Jan-13 13:23:44

When I stand up to dh when ds is not there he just ignores me and continues with the plan .
If I ask him can I do the trip he ignores me and sometimes has tricked me and told ds in a sad voice" Sorry ds mum is taking you today, sorry about that"

When ds is there he shouts at me " Don't be so unreasonable? ridiculous " etc and they shake their heads and carry on

Domesticsloven Sat 26-Jan-13 13:24:36

If I meet him head on instead of keeping the peace will it not be out and out war?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 26-Jan-13 13:28:36

YES you have to fight for your life. You're already in a war of attrition. He's got you ground down, belittled, ignored and ... worst of all... encouraging a child to see you as fifth rate. He's trying to force you to pack a bag and slink defeated out the back door ... at which point he will turn to your DS and say 'never mind, we'll be better off without her won't we?'

FIGHT for your life.

Jemma1111 Sat 26-Jan-13 13:32:47

He sounds an utter controlling bastard ,

If I were you I'd be keeping a secret diary of everything he does/says that is insulting .

LesserOfTwoWeevils Sat 26-Jan-13 13:33:40

You can't fix this situation on your own, it would take two, and your H isn't even willing to talk about it reasonably.
If you split up then you would get time with your DS alone and a chance to mend your relationship with him. That would give him a chance to see you through his own eyes instead of his father's.
That's the only way.
Your H sounds absolutely horrible and the warped relationship with both his parents that he is inflicting on your DS is damaging your child.

What would happen if you said " hey ds, i've really missed you this week, how about i take you to activity x and then we can go to macdonalds?" would dh object, insist on coming too?

Thumbwitch Sat 26-Jan-13 13:36:20

God, I am so so sorry to read this - it sounds horrendous. And in all honesty I don't think there is ANYthing you can safely do at this point, until you no longer have to do the weekend working/training. How much longer must it go on?

LesserOfTwoWeevils Sat 26-Jan-13 13:37:37

Does anyone in RL know about this? It doesn't sound as if you realise just quite how awful and not normal it is. Talking to someone else might give you a clearer perspective.
Better still, is there someone you can bring in as an ally to be there while you talk to your H about it?

Domesticsloven Sat 26-Jan-13 13:42:27

I am so sad I think it is grief. I actually have chest pain.

I do do some of the trips and treats but if dh appears before we set off he either insists on coming, meeting me there or takes over because I am " not ready" even if I am on the way to the car with ds.

I am retraining as I want my financial independence.

I note from your posts that you ask your DH rather than tell him you are doing things.
You don't have to ask him if you can do things with your son.
Instead of "Can I take ds?" make it "I'm taking ds swimming today. We will be back at x time."
I do feel though that you would be infinitely better off out of this marriage, in all respects.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 26-Jan-13 13:45:15

I wonder how 'D' H paints you to other people - family, friends you have in common, DS's teachers. If you can't talk to DS I'd make sure you don't get portrayed as the mum who can't be bothered. Does DS get to see friends out of school, attend parties?

Domesticsloven Sat 26-Jan-13 13:46:42

I try to be fair and reasonable. I don't want arguments over ds in front of ds. I am so ashamed of this it is terrible.

dh just infers I am mentally unstable if I make any sort of fuss.

arthriticfingers Sat 26-Jan-13 13:49:29

Domestic I feel that this has gone beyond what you can do.
This man is really frightening.
Don't stop re-training and start (without your H knowing) to contact WA and ask them how to document the child abuse so that you are ready to petition for divorce from a strong position.

Domesticsloven Sat 26-Jan-13 13:52:06

I don't think it is child abuse. I think he is intentionally excluding me to get ds on side . He looks after him fine apart from spoiling him a bit.

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