Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

should I tell him he needs to sort it out. long.

(15 Posts)
minkembra Fri 25-Jan-13 23:41:08

Very recently split from bf for nth time but this time probably for good.
I had been telling him for months to stop swearing at me and calling me names. But he just kept doing it. after he screamed at me 'never to cook this shit for him again' accused me of trying to make him fat and called me allsorts i told him it was over. we have split in past. last time fir about 6 weeks. when he came back told him it had to stop and we should go for counselling. he was contrite but no counselling.
Usually he walks out on me and then says I have to be nicer to him.
He seems totally bewildered that i have split with him. I kept saying that shouting abuse is not acceptable he gave me a list of things i had done wrong and told me he had played his part but i was in the wrong too. no actual apology or admission of how serious it is or offer to change.
So am not taking him back but should I for his sake tell him that this level of verbal abuse is not on and he should address his AM issues ( for his own sake, the kids and future gfs) or just leave it.

I think if i told him he is being abusive he'd either say I'm abusive or he'd be really upset.

sarahseashell Fri 25-Jan-13 23:43:33

It sounds like you'd like him to change but have realised he isn't going to. You can't change him. So just let it go and focus on yourself now

AnyFucker Fri 25-Jan-13 23:44:34

I wouldn't waste your breath, tbh

Just move on

dequoisagitil Fri 25-Jan-13 23:47:11

I think you should stop engaging with him altogether.

There's nothing you can say that will make him see. He has no respect for you at all... So anything you say to him, is pearls before swine.

Waste of breath.

LesBOFerables Fri 25-Jan-13 23:47:41

Not unless you are Peggy Mitchell, no wink

Move on and thank your lucky stars you have stood up for yourself by not continuing to tolerate this. You don't need to provide him with any special insight- let him work it out for himself.

AnyFucker Fri 25-Jan-13 23:51:08

arf @ Peggy Mitchell

sort it ahhhhhhhhhhht

minkembra Sat 26-Jan-13 00:11:43

Cannot totally refuse to speak to him because of the kids. would rather we were civil.
But will drop the subject of 'what went wrong'. I don't suppose there is any point if I don't want him back.
I do know he can behave better because sometimes he does but he cannot keep it up.

minkembra Sat 26-Jan-13 00:19:11

And I don't hate him either. I feel a bit sorry for him as he is totally unselfaware. he just keeps going round in circles making the same bad choices over and over again. definitely his own worst enemy.

AnyFucker Sat 26-Jan-13 00:22:38

That is his problem, honey

Not yours

Not any more

dequoisagitil Sat 26-Jan-13 00:24:00

As long as you put your own MH and that of your dc's ahead of his. Feel assorry for him as you like, but protect yourselves.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 26-Jan-13 11:55:19

"I do know he can behave better because sometimes he does but he cannot keep it up."

The usual pattern with abusive people is that they can keep it up but they choose not to. They can be perfectly pleasant with anyone except their partner and they use their filthy temper and insults etc to keep that partner on the back foot. They may claim they don't know what they've done wrong but that's usually just a way to get the conversation started... not an indication of remorse. As for coming back with a big list of your alleged faults the phrase you're looking for is two wrongs don't make a right

Glad you've got shot. Good luck

Bogeyface Sat 26-Jan-13 12:23:19

Does he shout abuse at his boss? Or his parents? Or his friends?

Thought not. He doesnt have anger management problems at all, if he did then he wouldnt be able to control himself in other areas of his life. I actually have sympathy for people with genuine anger issues as they often really cant help it and need professionals to deal with the underlying causes.

This man however is a bully and was actively choosing to be abusive towards you. He could have stopped but he chose not to. You telling him that its not on isnt needed, he knows that otherwise, as I said, he would be like that all the time with everyone.

Protect yourself and your children, and let him sink in his own shit.

minkembra Sat 26-Jan-13 16:34:07

He does shout at other people sometimes. Has been disciplined at work for it although in his head that was my fault. really!?!. apparently i had upset him before he went out.
(if I took it out on someone else every time he upset me before work I'd have been locked up by now!);-)

He also shouts at his oldest daughter and is quite controlling with her, at his mum, his ex and will quite readily start an argument with just about anyone. although he would not speak to most people quite the way he speaks to me.

He recently bawled me out on front of my mother who was appalled. he shouted at me when i was in hospital even though everyone could hear him.

So I wouldn't say he is very secretive about it.

He used to fight a lot but has grown out of that. With one of his previous girlfriends he got arrested at a social event with all her friends there for fighting. his take on that was mostly to be annoyed with her for not bailing him straight away.

So I'd say anger mismanagement and not very good at taking responsibility. nd paranoid and convinced that he is somehow hard done to.

he blames me for all kind of random things. he will eventually admit they are not my fault but then a few months later they get brought up as being my fault again. Like the work incident.

basically behaves like a big kid. very like one of my 5 year olds. it was when I realised how alike they are that I bailed because dd will grow out if it (i hope) but i cannot bring up my bf as well as 2 kids.

minkembra Sat 26-Jan-13 16:36:03

I think he may not even know he is doing it half the time. sometimes i have to tell him when he has been rude to someone and he is quite surprised.

Yuck, just yuck. What a nasty man. I feel for your mum. DD had a boyfriend who used to yell at her. It was heartbreaking. Do your mum (and kids) (and yourself) a favour and stay shot of this poor excuse for a man.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now