Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I need help - going to have sex with my DH for the first time in a year

(37 Posts)
swingingfromthechandeliers Fri 25-Jan-13 14:53:51

I have name changed because I am so embarrassed to admit the state of our sex life.

My DH and I have been married for 10 years. We never had a fab sex life if I'm honest -mainly because (TMI alert) he was too big and it hurt. Then I had kids (thanks to pushing the babies out, the 'too big' wasn't an issue anymore due to the grand canyon created by their heads).

But then we had the usual issues - post babies, too tired, too resentful, just can't be arsed phase. It started with once a month, then once every few months, then four times a year. And for the last two years, we have had sex just once each year (not even on his birthday!!)

It is an issue. Because it means we live like flatmates and I know my DH needs sex to feel loved. For me, I honestly could just, ahem, sort myself out, and be ok but the affection and closeness does help us forgive every day squabbles. But he gave up trying when I just wasn't into it. So no-ones been making any effort.

I am pleased to report that my libido seems to have resurfaced from years of resentment/exhaustion. DH and I have just had a BIG conversation. One that starts with a little argument but before you know it, everything comes out and the issue of lack of sex was part of it.

I said that I actually do want to have sex but that he doesn't seem keen anymore. He said he has given up trying. So I suggested that given we have a child free night tonight, that we just do it. We both agreed that we are nervous and neither of us really knows how to get things started. It's nuts - we feel like shy teenagers. He tends to get giggly (not really a turn on) when he's like this.

Please mumsnet - I don't need an analysis of why this has happened. All I want are your best tips to help me have sex with my husband tonight, particularly making those first moves (once things are underway I think it'll come back to us). I am not naturally affectionate and I know that just touching each other, holding hands etc would be a good first step.

But I'd love to hear any other tips/advice on this. Tx

carabos Fri 25-Jan-13 18:47:26

This is a JFDI situation. No matter how bad it is (and why should it be?) Just F**** Do It. Then tomorrow do it again. Do it every day until it feels "normal" again.

Best of luck.

44SoStartingOver Fri 25-Jan-13 18:53:13

If i were you, I'd face the reality that it can take a little while to get the hang of it again.

Def go for meal with wine, but I'd consider discussing in advance that you hae a goal to turn each other on, using whatever method you choose, but you will not have PIV sex. Taking it off the menu means you can focus on foreplay and getting it right. Connecting if you will. Lots of oral, lots of snogging, without quite finishing, then build up for a really pleasing finale in a few days.

Read some erotica in advance - as you say, so much of it is in the mind.

Also check your contraception is reliable!!!!!

Good luck!

LillianGish Fri 25-Jan-13 18:56:36

Carabos you beat me too it - I was going to suggest exactly the same thing.

onthemetro Fri 25-Jan-13 18:56:45

Hope you have fun tonight OP! And dont forget to report back to us nosy MNers tomorrow wink

swingingfromthechandeliers Sat 26-Jan-13 09:34:07

reporting back: I went for the JFDI approach. I tried to be affectionate throughout the evening but he was quite distant, which is weird because he's normally the affectionate one. Maybe he thought my affection was just a put on due to the discussion we had. Anyway, we had a nice night out and probably a bit too much champagne, but a lot of fun walking home in the snow.

Then when we got in he said he wanted a whiskey. I made him one but took it upstairs to the bedroom. I could see he was starting to get awkward, but I just thought sod it, it IS Happening. So I took my clothes off, except sexy lingerie, took his off and I just basically made it happen. It wasn't wow - mainly because I think we'd both had too much to drink. But we fell asleep holding each other which isn't usual. And this morning, I decided to wake him (or rather a certain part of him) which led to it happening again and it was a lot better.

So here's to the end of the drought. Now we just need to do it more regularly. Thanks for all the tips

SlowLooseChippings Sat 26-Jan-13 09:37:54

Woohoo!! Nice work, and well done. I raise my glass of orange juice (too early for wine !) to the continued good health of your sex life!

JiltedJohnsJulie Sat 26-Jan-13 09:39:13

Twice! Well done grin

tumbletumble Sat 26-Jan-13 10:51:47

Well done OP!

Now this may sound unromantic, but I think you need to put in a bit of effort to make sure it doesn't slip back to how things were. Maybe give yourself a target of how many times you'd ideally have sex per month? I recommend reading 365 Nights by Charla Muller which is a light hearted look at the importance of sex in a marriage.

JesusInTheCabbageVan Sat 26-Jan-13 15:23:44

Fizzy wine, lube, nice giggly shag grin

Or lie back and think of MumsNet.

meditrina Sat 26-Jan-13 15:46:04

Well done OP!

And well done for not thinking of MN (unless a line of pom-pom waving vipers at the end of the bed actually spurs you on shock )

frustratedworkingmum Sat 26-Jan-13 15:56:09

This has made me smile

JesusInTheCabbageVan Sat 26-Jan-13 16:03:57

WooOOOOOO!

You sexed, you sexed, you sexed <runs off giggling>

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now