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Joke of a marriage getting worse

(39 Posts)
Ballyk Fri 25-Jan-13 13:25:24

Im having a really shit time of it lately, I posted recently abt problems with dh (not sure how to link)
Things just seem to be getting worse we are constantly bickering and pissing each other off. The whole situations is depressing me and just don't want to get out of bed in a morning (although I do) and dread him coming home from work.
I went out last night friends bday first night out in 6 months. I got up this morning to get the kids ready and
he looked me up and down and said I was discusting and he really doesn't like me. He's such a twat my 2 eldest dc heard him. He left for work and dc2 started crying and said your not discusting mummy I love u , it broke my heart sad
My eldest said if someone was mean to me all the time I just wouldn't be there friend anymore and dc 2 said we should move house and not tell him wre we live shock
He really doesn't see how his horrible behaviour is affecting everyone and blames it all on me I'm sick to death of it all i feel I'm going round n round in circles, I'm so exhausted by it all and really don't know what to do. I tryed talking to my mum about how unhappy I am but she just said that we couldn't separate because of the Dcs

mrslaughan Fri 25-Jan-13 14:40:20

You are not a failure for your DC - but you need to set the example for them, no one should put up with this sort of abuse....take strength from that.

Jux Fri 25-Jan-13 15:00:04

Go for it, Ballyk! Ignore your mum. Would she say that if she knew what her gcs are saying? Anyway, her feelings are immaterial as she is not living with the abuser and you are, and you and your children are being hurt by him everyday.

Phone Women's Aid to talk it through, get a plan together, ask your friends to help, ask WA to help. Don't be scared, you'll be fine; but you do need to act now.

Ballyk Fri 25-Jan-13 16:53:03

Than you all for your advice and kind words
The lease is in joint names as ate bank accounts bills etc, I've set up a bank account in my name and am in the process of getting all my income paid into it.
I really don't think I'd be able to put my children through us separating but think that is the only option as I can't carry on being this miserable.
I don't think it's serious enough to contact womens aid but thank you for the advice he's not physically abusive just a miserable bastard
He's trying to turn it all round on me now which I knew he w

Ballyk Fri 25-Jan-13 16:54:46

Sorry posted to soon
He's trying to turn it all round on me now which I knew he would, apparently I wasn't out with friends last night I was up to something though what that is and were it's come from I do not know??

izzyizin Fri 25-Jan-13 17:36:28

Of course you weren't out 'with friends' last night.

'Fess up. You were out with a man who put a smile on your face, who made you laugh, who made you want to dance with joy, who made you feel loved and cherished... because yesterday evening you checked into a hotel room, poured yourself a wine, stretched out on the bed, and dreamed of him and how you used to be, before waking up with a start and going home to the grim reality of how it is for you now.

But that's my imagination working overtime.

Where his accusation has come from may be found by examining his movements of late. Accusing you of being 'up to something' may be a deflection tactic designed to create sufficient smoke to hide what he's getting up to - or intends to get up to.

And that's not my imagination working overtime.

Jux Fri 25-Jan-13 17:58:08

Yes, Ballyk, it is serious enough to talk to WA, it is. This is nasty, psychological warfare and much worse in its way than being hit, as you have no bruises to show - and everyone knows a hit is wrong. Emotional abuse is very, very serious. It affects not just you but your children too, and they are far too precious to have to witness this.

Please do call WA. You need as much rl support as you can get, as he will twist everything until you don't know which way is up, your personality and self-determination is being chipped away bit by bit. If you think this is remotely acceptable you're already in trouble. And if it has you confused and upset, what do you think it is doing to your children?

Please. Just a chat. They never force anyone to do anything, but I really think you will benefit from a chat with them. If I'm wrong (fervently wishing I am, but sadly not believing it), you've lost nothing.

nospace Fri 25-Jan-13 18:00:35

Accusing you of being up to something is just another opportunity for him to have another dig at you, he's like a dog with a bone, he's decided that's how he'll treat you with zero respect.

Ballyk Sun 27-Jan-13 22:33:13

So managed to sit down last night and explain to dh how I am feeling, told him I'm not happy, how I feel he drags me down, in lonely and he doesn't feel like my husband more like a house mate and also how the way he speaks to me is affecting the Dcs. He was gutted about what my eldest Dcs had said. But us sticking to the fact he doesn't like me and I am dragging him down but he will never leave. Loves the Dcs too much that he couldn't bare not living with them and seeing them everyday.
Wants to keep living together and try and get on. It looks like I'll have to just get on with it sad

LittleEdie Sun 27-Jan-13 22:42:20

You don't have to wait for him to agree with you or 'give you permission' to leave.

FiercePanda Sun 27-Jan-13 22:46:36

No, you don't have to get on with it. He can't force you to stay in a loveless, abusive relationship. Doesn't your life, your needs, your feelings mean anything at all? How long will it be before he's suggesting he starts shagging around seeing someone else, but stay living at home? Do yourself and your DCs a favour and make plans to either get him out or get yourselves elsewhere.

AbigailAdams Sun 27-Jan-13 23:06:52

No you don't have to put up with it. I think your dc2 had the right idea. If he won't leave, you leave. He doesn't get to dictate how and where you live your life.

He doesn't love his children btw. If he did he wouldn't speak to their mother like that, especially not in earshot.

And those who don't like the LTB line, well once your children are telling you to leave it is really beyond time to go.

Ballyk Sun 27-Jan-13 23:07:04

I know I just feel like I want him to make the decision too leave, and I know he'll never do that. I said I don't want to stay living with him as we will end up hating each other his response was we'll end up hating each other anyway and he's not leaving his dc, god I'm so stuck sad its all so confusing and such a big decision too make

Ballyk Sun 27-Jan-13 23:08:50

He does love his kids he really does its me that's the problem he doesn't like me. It's been such a shit weekend

AbigailAdams Sun 27-Jan-13 23:15:14

It is a big decision, but not necessarily a difficult one. It will take energy and organisation that's for sure. But you and your children will be happier.

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