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How do I get him to stop using our circumstances as a weapon? and why doesn't he want to spend any time with me?

(63 Posts)
bearwithbearwithbearwith Fri 25-Jan-13 09:37:12

Hi everyone, I am a couple of weeks away from having my first baby. My partner goes to work and I stay at home. I would say that on average every day he spends around 5 minutes WITH me. He gets home and says hello and we have a little chat about anything interesting that has happened that day and then that is it. I won't see him / spend time with him for the rest of the night. I also know that this weekend he won't spend any time with me.

If I bring up that he doesn't spend any time with me - or anything that upsets me actually - his response is that he goes to work all day. He uses this as almost a weapon. He does whatever he wants every single day and night and weekend - if I say but I want you to do this or I want us to do this or can you sit with me and talk? I GO TO WORK ALL DAY! If I go in one room he will go into another room. I go to bed very early and he doesn't come to bed till very very very late. So it's not like he doesn't get time for himself. If I ask him to do something with me on Sat or Sun he will say THIS IS MY ONLY DAY OFF A WEEK! (Which implies that I am another JOB he has to do).

If I start to 'nag' (this how I feel I am seen) he will say he goes to work and is stressed. For the record his job is not stressful - it is a really nice job - we both know this.

The bottom line is I feel I have to nag him to spend time with me - I feel SO lonely. I look forward to him coming home because I have spent the whole day alone watching TV - I then spend the evening watching TV and feel so bored and so lonely. I also can't handle this guilt that he keeps putting on me that he works and I do nothing. I am praying for the baby to come today so I will actually have some attention and something to do.

How can I stop him from making me feel so guilty about him working and WHY doesn't he want to spend any time with me? When we met he wanted, desperately, to spend 24 hours a day with me.

Numberlock Fri 25-Jan-13 09:40:19

Hmmmm, big alarm bells rining here. What does he actually do every evening and weekend?

In your position, I would be planning my exit, I wouldn't want to be with anyone who I have to force/beg/cajole to spend time with me, whatever the actual reason behind this...

When is the baby due?

CharlieMumma Fri 25-Jan-13 09:42:32

Oh dear - doesnt sound great at all. I don't seem dp much as we work opposite days for childcare but do try and make the most of the time when we are together. Seems unfair that he doesn't want to see you - do you think maybe he is having a massive wobbler about the baby and trying to cram all his single time in to what space there is before baby? Not fair at all obviously but possible reason? What is he actually doing when he's not with u is he out or on computer games or drinking?? Really sounds crappy tho

bearwithbearwithbearwith Fri 25-Jan-13 09:44:49

The baby is due very soon. He doesn't go out in the evenings or weekends - he is constantly on the internet, playing games or on other high tech gadgets. Websites are not dodgy ones - just to do with his hobby or social networking or playing games.
I feel that way - like, how pathetic am I that I have to whine and whine at him for him to just be near me. I am like a dog.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Jan-13 09:45:47

This is bad. And if it's bad now when you're only pregnant, imagine what it's going to be like when there's a baby to look after. Won't be volunteering to help there when he's been 'working all day' will he? Won't be getting up in the night or offering to let you have a nap at the weekends... He's setting your expectations.... LOW. Don't fall for it.

Forget feeling guilty and working out why he doesn't want to spend time with you and just bloody well demand he stops making excuses, stops being selfish and starts acting like a partner (and a father ultimately) rather than a single man with no responsibilities ....

bearwithbearwithbearwith Fri 25-Jan-13 09:46:37

Yes he has wine every night. I don't think he is worried about the baby. I think he is just enjoying himself and I play no part in how he enjoys himself.

meditrina Fri 25-Jan-13 09:46:38

Nagging is unlikely to help, I'm afraid, and the lack of communication is often a bad indicator. How long has he been like this?

Ok, well he sounds like a Dick, but why do you spend all day alone watching tv?

bearwithbearwithbearwith Fri 25-Jan-13 09:51:49

Cogito - I would love to say that to him 'stop acting like a single man with no responsibilities' - but do you know what he does? He does things for me or for the baby and COLLECTS them in a pot in his mind - then when I say "you do this or you don't do this" he presents his pot! and says "EXCUSE ME... I DID THIS AND I DID THIS AND I DID THIS...." and i dont have a leg to stand on and it makes me look like a whinging cow. It is all on a scale - all the time. He does these grand gestures SO that he can use them later. Then he says
I HAVE TWO DAYS OFF A WEEK! I WORK ALL WEEK... etc.

bearwithbearwithbearwith Fri 25-Jan-13 09:53:27

happy - I am heavily pregnant and don't really have the confidence at the moment to get out and about and have SPD and don't really have a support network right now. Makes it all the more important that I get support from him in the evening/ weekend - just to keep me sane.

Numberlock Fri 25-Jan-13 09:54:40

What's the plan when you go into labour? Is he on standby with work to be able to leave at short notice? Is he planning to take paternity leave?

I'm pg with dc5, also suffering with SPD, I get it! I'm just trying to get a better idea of your set up.

When you say you don't have a support network, what do you mean?

bearwithbearwithbearwith Fri 25-Jan-13 10:00:29

meditrina - I really try hard to communicate with him. I sit down and turn the tv off and explain my concerns in a calm voice and not in any way blaming him - he just acts like a child who is being nagged by his mum to tidy his room. He says he doesnt understand my problem, he is sick of talking about it, he has a stressful job, he is just trying to unwind, he doesnt want to watch what I want (I don't give a SHIT what we watch and quite happily will turn it off!) etc. He has been like this for a while - sometimes 'makes an effort' - then forgets. But 'making an effort' is so obvious -
If I wasnt here I sometimes doubt he would care at all.

Loftus Fri 25-Jan-13 10:00:34

Hi, my first dh was like this right after we got married! I wanted to end it after 2 yrs although I was working full time, plenty to do etc., always gave him another chance to act like a mature partner. Then had ds and gave him another chance to be a good dad, seeing as he was playing games perhaps he could entertain a kid? So wrong! Only then I felt really trapped. Planned for divorce when ds was 3 and I back to full employment to avoid financial hassles. Have not looked back (he is still not fully engaged with ds, now 14). Best get yourself sorted, xx

bearwithbearwithbearwith Fri 25-Jan-13 10:02:37

yes it is all sorted with his work Numberlock - his colleagues are very supportive and excited about it.
happy2bhomely - I don't have anyone here as in new town.

Numberlock Fri 25-Jan-13 10:06:21

he is constantly on the internet

I'd be checking very closely what he's doing on the internet, who is he talking to, what's the big addiction etc etc. And also listening very carefully to what Loftus has to say above.

Unfortunately you can't wave a magic wand to make him want to spend with you but you can change your reaction to it and plan a future without him.

How much paternity leave is he planning to take?

CaseyShraeger Fri 25-Jan-13 10:06:41

This isn't going to get any better once the baby arrives. It sounds harsh but in your position I would at least be thinking of your possible exit strategy.

FairPhyllis Fri 25-Jan-13 10:08:36

He's treating you like a flatmate, not a partner who's about to have his baby. Do you not even eat together?

Frankly I would plan my exit. Could you go to stay with your mum when the baby comes?

AlienReflux Fri 25-Jan-13 10:10:26

Oh dear, this sounds crap. i think you need to lay it on the line, that you won't be ignored, and if spending time with you is so very undesirable, why doesn't he fuck off out of it? seriously, he may as well not be there, you waiting for him to come in, only to be ignored is worse than not expecting anyone home, trust me.

bearwithbearwithbearwith Fri 25-Jan-13 10:12:56

Numberlock - I see the sites and messages with forums and people and everything - they are 100% innocent, he has a hobby/obsession that is completely ok and innocent and I don't mind it at all (don't want to say on here in case identifiable)
He will probably have a week or two off. I am completely happy to do 90% of the baby care as he is the one working. But right now - it is just me and him and i need to feel loved.
I guess it just makes me feel more rubbish and being this pregnant is already very depressing.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Jan-13 10:13:07

"He says he doesnt understand my problem, he is sick of talking about it,"

What he doesn't seem to understand is the distinction between being single and being in a relationship.

How old is this guy?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Jan-13 10:14:39

"He will probably have a week or two off."

And what's he going to do with this week or two off?... Sit playing computer games? Or actually pitch in and help for once? I know which one my money's on...

bearwithbearwithbearwith Fri 25-Jan-13 10:14:46

FairPhyllis - that is EXACTLY what I said to him - that we might as well be flat mates. No he doesnt eat with me - we eat separate things. no Mum lives in different town. Although she will prob spend A LOT of time here after baby arrives.
yes i agree Alien.

bearwithbearwithbearwith Fri 25-Jan-13 10:16:54

Mid 30s Cogito. I have no idea what he will be like as a Father and when baby arrives - I don't know how to tell. He might be great though.... he does say he is excited about it and will do things to prepare for the baby in the house - he might be the best dad in the world for all i know.

bestsonever Fri 25-Jan-13 10:18:36

I have to say, as you don't mention it and I'm wondering how long this has been going on? Are you on mat leave or have you not been working even when not pregnant. Staying at home "watching tv all day", is no way to live either so there is some of your own responsibility to be had in that. There is something wrong in wanting to stay home an expect someone else to provide for all, that would get most peoples back up unless it's agreed that child-rearing is going to be the focus of the woman. Seems a bit old world really and I'm guessing you are much younger than I.
That said, he also sounds like an ignorant man who may be trying to get the same point across to you very badly. You need to discuss how you both see family life developing in the future and find out if he is happy with your plans to be a SAHM, sounds like he has issues with it.

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