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So he slept with someone else..

(76 Posts)
winterland Thu 24-Jan-13 23:22:24

About 18 months ago. Whilst we were happy. She was my friend. Not a great friend but we hung out.

He said it only happened once. He even invited her to our BBQ the following week.

But apparently I drove him to it. By flirting with other people and causing his depression. By flirting, im Assuming he means talking to other men at work. I've made him depressed, so he says.

He's in the spare room, 3 beautiful innocent children upstairs and I've no idea what to do.

Thanks for reading

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 20:41:07

IMO, cheating is a form of abuse. Especially when it's your friend. It certainly is very effective at bringing you to your knees, and cutting out a massive area of support in one fell swoop...

Junebugjr Mon 28-Jan-13 20:28:00

Cheating aside, his behaviour sounds abusive and controlling. Usin the children over you, already preempting telling everyone about your behaviour and belittling you. Read up about abusive men and the ways they use to control you, try googling 'the dominator', used to run the freedom programme. I would focus on this, as well as the whole shagging your friends business.
You know what you need to do OP, his behaviour is shocking.
Gather your financial documents and book solicitors appointment before he does.

Ruprekt Mon 28-Jan-13 20:14:31

And you know that if this was a friend of yours......you would say the same thing to her!

do not let your children think that this is the way men should treat women.

Yes, it will be hard. But he will do it again and again Because he can and you let him and you forgive him.

Kick him out. And hold your head high.

Let him waste away, its the least he deservesgrin
Serioisly get rid of him, pack his crap and be done with him.

FiercePanda Mon 28-Jan-13 19:23:13

Was he sad when he was bollock-deep inside your friend?

Was he fuck. Get your anger going, and kick this devious little shit out once and for all. You and your kids deserve better.

sassy34264 Mon 28-Jan-13 18:04:31

HE says, HE's sad????????

It gets worse.

He has no remorse, no sympathy, and no empathy for you what so ever.

Get strong off all these posts........you will be so much better off when you see him as we see him.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 17:54:56

Let him waste away, the conniving odious little weasel.

Tell him to STFU with the emotional blackmail. What about when you were sad ? He didn't give a shit about that, did he ?

winterland Mon 28-Jan-13 17:50:57

God, you guys are great. I feel alot stronger just reading all your wise words. I know I've got to do it but I weaken when he says he's sad. He says he can't eat. God I'm a fool

Ruprekt Mon 28-Jan-13 16:01:51

You do not have to live like this.

Get rid of him and be happy with your children.

sassy34264 Mon 28-Jan-13 14:23:48

Facts.

He has had sexual relations with someone else. others
He blames you for making him confused
He threatens you with turning the kids lives upside down, if you don't 'get over it'
He changes passwords the day you get the truth

I'd be running to the solicitors at 8am tomorrow morning if that was my dp.

But the thing that would really make me go for the jugular (ie, get a rottweiler lawyer and really pull the rug out from under his feet), wouldn't be any of the above, it would be the email to the brother, saying i was a nasty piece of work and if it weren't for the children, he would be off! shock shock shock]

OMFG.

I read relationship threads a lot, yet i'm still occasionally aghast at the ego, self entitlement, self importance of some men -and i think your DH has it in abundance.

The words 'don't let me fucking stop you' would be screaming from my mouth, as i simultaneously lobbed the nearest thing to hand........at his head.

Get to the solicitors asap.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 28-Jan-13 14:15:00

Cheating is bad enough but continuing to treat you like shit is not on.

Sort out your child care issues and kick him out.

He is the one who is ruining the family, he is the one who is throwing away everything for some cheap shags.

delilahlilah Mon 28-Jan-13 13:23:32

He is bullying you in order to have his cake and eat it. Speak to your boss, explain that you are going to have short term childcare issues, and ask what they can do to help ie have set times on call or something. Then I would sit him down and tell him that he is leaving, and that he can choose to have regular contact with his children or he can cut his nose off to spite his face - make it clear that you are not bothered wither way.He is looking for a reaction, and will hate not getting one.

He doesn't need to stay to have the children when you work, he is throwing his weight around. Having experienced a shithead who tried every tactic to control me, and having witnessed similar between my parents I would rather change / risk my job for the sake of my children than let them live with his behaviour and it's effect on you.

ExP is a nightmare 11 years after I left, but leaving was the best thing for me and for DS. He was another one who liked to tell people it was all my fault etc, but the people who matter aren't going to believe him.

Get legal advice OP. See if the option is there for you to return to your home town if it helps you. Do what you need to do, and it will all turn out for the best for you in the end.

OneMoreChap Mon 28-Jan-13 12:55:05

If it was - as he said - a one-off, why would he delete and change passwords?

Sorry, he's at it.

norkmonster Mon 28-Jan-13 12:46:57

From what you've said, though, it's not the "one mistake" that's actually the problem. It's his ongoing behaviour and complete lack of respect for you and your relationship.

tackies Mon 28-Jan-13 09:41:52

oh you poor thing you sound desperately unhappy, please put yourself first, I know your thinking of kids etc, but a happy you = a happy mammy. He sounds like a horrible shit bag, if i were you id put corn starch on his balls while he was asleep then fuck all his clothes out the window and tell him to piss off to usa , lively!!!

LemonBreeland Mon 28-Jan-13 08:05:07

What FiercePanda said.

And the others who said show your dc how it is not okay to be treated like shit.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 00:31:33

This man is a complete dick

Never sleep with him again and tell him to get to fuck

You are not this desperate, are you ? confused

Employ an au pair for the childcare. You do not need him

CaseyShraeger Sun 27-Jan-13 23:14:17

It's not one mistake. I guarantee that either there's been someone else other than the woman you know about or, at the very least, he has someone in his sights and is emotionally detaching from the relationship to justify that to himself.

Whocansay Sun 27-Jan-13 21:56:15

He fucks someone else, and its all your fault? Really?!!! From his behaviour, I cannot see how you can save your marriage and retain any self respect. He is expecting to walk over you and continue shagging about.

A good father does not treat the mother of his children this way. And he's not exactly being a fantastic role model. I cannot see any reason why you would stay in this situation. Make him leave.

You are not ruining the children's lives. He is.

What an absolute bastard. He is disgusting.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

FiercePanda Sun 27-Jan-13 21:45:28

PLease don't let him get away with this. He's counting on you to be too scared to rock the boat or "break up the faaaahmily", so he can continue badmouthing you behind your back and shagging other women.

You have done nothing wrong. He's definitely maximising your "flirting" to make excuses for his adultery. He checked out of your marriage a long time ago, I think it's about time you did the same for the sake of your sanity, sense of self-worth and to be an example to your DCs that putting up with cheating and being treated like crap isn't healthy.

winterland Sun 27-Jan-13 21:42:54

He's in the spare room. Not a chance he's coming anywhere near me. I shall ask him to get an sti check but I should imagine ill be told to fuck off.

The girl in USA is now married but I guess she has friends!

I don't feel I can move on from this right now. He's not sorry.

Xales Sun 27-Jan-13 21:35:41

And then he emailed an old (girl) friend, who he's incidentally visiting next week for a week in the USA hmm

One guess if he is going to be faithful there...

If you stay with him and continue sleeping with him, do so in the full knowledge that he will shag other women when he wants without a care for you. And get regular STI checks.

You are not ruining the childrens lives, you are showing them what a woman should not accept being treated as by any other person.

winterland Sun 27-Jan-13 21:27:18

She moved to New Zealand about 12 months ago. I've no idea why he's changing things now. Before he changed it he'd written to his brother, talking about me being a nasty piece of work. A flirt. And that he didn't have full sex with her. It's like he's minimising what he did and maximising my flirting.
And then he emailed an old (girl) friend, who he's incidentally visiting next week for a week in the USA, saying that if it wasn't for the kids he'd be gone.

The only reason he's still here is because of my job. I'm on call all the time and he has to look after the children. Arranging something else will take time.

But my mum and friends are saying don't through everything away over one mistake. Making me feel guilty for ruining the children's lives. Should I forgive? I'm not sure if I will get passed it and quite frankly do I want to. His behaviour and attitude have completely shocked me.

Any links of where to go next would be much appreciated..

We moved here together about 5 yrs ago, this was his home town and he has plenty of friends here to offload with. I have a few mum friends but no one as close as him. It feels so lonely. Plus I don't know what he's telling people- making me out to be some slut.
Hideous hideous times...

Dozer Sun 27-Jan-13 15:31:40

What a shithead, little hope of a happy future if you stay with him. How DARE he accuse YOU of "flirting" just because you work with men!

yes, get legal advice, gather financial and other documents - Olgaga posts good list of links on this kind of thing.

LemonBreeland Sun 27-Jan-13 14:34:01

You mentioned the other woman moved away. Was it recently? Also Has she moved far enough away that it will have stopped a physical relationship at least.

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