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So he slept with someone else..

(76 Posts)
winterland Thu 24-Jan-13 23:22:24

About 18 months ago. Whilst we were happy. She was my friend. Not a great friend but we hung out.

He said it only happened once. He even invited her to our BBQ the following week.

But apparently I drove him to it. By flirting with other people and causing his depression. By flirting, im Assuming he means talking to other men at work. I've made him depressed, so he says.

He's in the spare room, 3 beautiful innocent children upstairs and I've no idea what to do.

Thanks for reading

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 25-Jan-13 07:12:53

Your best chance of saving the marriage is to ask him to leave to give you space to process your thoughts and emotions. He can go and stay with a relative or friend.

He will be expected to support you and DC financially.

This will provide a cold hard shock to his system and make him realise what he stands to lose - loss is the only thing that motivates cheaters.

Cheaters choose to cheat because of their own issues and character failings - instead of talking to you, suggesting counselling etc, he made the very selfish choice to fuck another woman.

I agree that this is much more than a one night stand sad

RarelyAGobshite Fri 25-Jan-13 07:13:55

To move on from this op you need some time, space and you need him to be honest and tell you everything. You need to be able to look at everything and leave no stone unturned.

You need to tell him you're not prepared to brush it under the carpet and you're not accepting his excuse of you driving him to it.

Tell him to man up and be honest with you. How are you expected to make a decision about the future if you don't know everything?

Numberlock Fri 25-Jan-13 07:15:49

You don't need to make any long term decisions about your future right now but I would still ask him to move out on a temporary basis while you consider your options and he faces up to what he's done and what he stands to lose. You can still meet him outside the house to discuss things and he can still see the children during this period of separation. How old are they?

ImperialBlether Fri 25-Jan-13 07:40:59

If this had been a one night stand and he'd felt remorse, he wouldn't have invited her to your BBQ. No way. He would've blamed her in his mind and kept away from her. The fact he invited her indicates to me that he carried on with her for a while.

Oh and you believed him not because you were a fool, but because you trusted him. Nothing wrong with that, though you'd be mad to trust him any more.

Branleuse Fri 25-Jan-13 07:51:13

if he feels no remorse, blames you, lies and now won't let you see his Facebook or anything then its not worth hacking in. the other stuff is as bad as the cheating . what's the point. he doesn't seem to get it or care about you.

Lovingfreedom Fri 25-Jan-13 08:23:36

He got ' stuck in a hotel room with her'???????

Xales Fri 25-Jan-13 08:51:57

If this happened once acidentally well over a year ago why is he deleting stuff and changing passwords now?

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 25-Jan-13 09:29:51

Exactly Xales hmm

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding Fri 25-Jan-13 09:30:37

I agree xalessad

CaseyShraeger Fri 25-Jan-13 09:46:24

Yes. There is more to this than he's admitting.

bestsonever Fri 25-Jan-13 10:29:19

Maybe he's depressed because the OW moved away, and was happier whilst he was seeing her? Sorry, does not look good at all. Expect more for yourself and your children and move on. He was not being a good dad whilst doing this, you will all be happier in the future without him.

izzyizin Fri 25-Jan-13 12:19:39

He's blaming you because he feels sick with guilt

Contrary to NaanBread's opinion, your h doesn't feel guilty in the least.

Inviting the woman he had so recently committed adultery with to your barbecue was a colossal conceit on his part, from which it is clear he felt no guilt whatsoever.

If he felt guilty after his alleged one night stand with her, a woman you called your friend, he would have come cap in hand, filled with remorse, throwing himself on your mercy.

What he feels is smug that he got away with it and the fact he got away with it has encouraged him to continue getting his leg over away with it.

LemonBreeland Sun 27-Jan-13 12:09:13

You need to tell him to let you see his email account and fb. If he stalls at all ask him how that is going to make you believe what he says. Blaming you is not a good sign at all. This is his responsibility and nobody elses.

Ask him to move out while you think about things. That will make him realise you are taking this seriously. If you do nothing he will think he can do it again with no consequences.

Do you have anyone in rl you can talk to this about?

winterland Sun 27-Jan-13 12:22:56

Thank you all for your words of wisdom. We've had a hideous few days. He goes from being completely remorseful, to saying it wasn't that bad, to saying me flirting is the same.

Today he said if I don't forgive him we need to sell the house and move out. He's not seeing that the people he would hurt most by this is the children. They are happy and settled.

But it has made me realise I pretty much don't think I can get passed this. Im not sure i even wang to now. Not for someone who would say that sort of thing.

Winter - the man is an arsehole. Get shot of him.

AnyFucker Sun 27-Jan-13 12:39:18

What he ^^ said.

How dare he threaten you ? Who the fuck does he think he is ? Take him at his word, say no you cannot forgive for the way he is acting now never mind what he has done and make steps to separate.

CremeEggThief Sun 27-Jan-13 12:41:51

Tell him it's over and get him out, but don't leave yourself, as this might affect who gets the house. Then please seek legal advice ASAP; you don't need to tell him about this.

The ones who don't even seem to feel guilt and shame are the worst; my STBXH has never once had the decency to apologise for blowing mine and DS's world apart.

LemonBreeland Sun 27-Jan-13 12:44:36

Is he saying about selling the house etc. as a reason you should just get over it, or just in a matter of fact he doesn't care kind of way?

I'm not really in the ltb brigade, I have 3dc also and wouldn't tear their world apart if I could try and fix it. But his only stance at this stage should be utter remorse and trying everything he can to fix things. If he won't do that then it doesn't look good.

I hope you have people around to help you.

FiercePanda Sun 27-Jan-13 12:47:13

What Xales said above. If it was all over ages ago, why's he changing his passwords and deleting his texts now? Sounds like something's been going on since he slept with her. Jesus, he slept with your friend, he's not worth clinging on to. Call his bluff, pack his bag and tell him to sod off. He's taking the piss out of you.

Tortington Sun 27-Jan-13 12:47:27

now hes trying to bully you?

tell him to do one the cunt

winterland Sun 27-Jan-13 13:23:58

I do feel bullied. It's like talking to a brick wall. I need proper advice I think. A solicitor? He s not sorry and I don't understand how we can move on if he doesn't accept what he did was wrong. He says he loves me but I'm not in that place right now.

Xales Sun 27-Jan-13 13:24:23

Agree with custard.

He is now threatening you.

Get over it or I will have a tantrum, force a house sell, disrupt the kids lives and it will be 'all your fault' for not accepting my shit like a whipped dog.

No remorse or caring for you or the children just him.

LemonBreeland Sun 27-Jan-13 13:34:37

Contact a solicitor tomorrow so you know where you stand. But for now get him to leave to give you some headspace. You won't be able to think clearly with him still there.

meditrina Sun 27-Jan-13 13:48:31

I'm definitely not in the LTB brigade. All sorts of problems can be recovered from.

But only if both partners want to reconcile, and the errant partner has to own up fully to what they have done and do the greater share of the healing.

And that never includes tantrums, veiled threats or a timetable to cheap "forgiveness". Indeed there is no timetable for reconciliation; the betrayed party needs time to heal and that takes as long as it takes. Someone with genuine remorse, and who is also working on their own character flaws, will realise (or quickly come to realise) this.

Your DH sounds miles away from someone who is even remotely ready to put in the attention and effort to truly commit to a reconciliation.

You may want to think about a separation, to give yo the time and space to work out what you want in your life in future and whether he has any part in this at all.

One final stray thought: are yo sure the OW you know about is e only one? Could the depression actually have been deliberate (permission-giving) withdrawal at the start of a new infatuation?

Chuck him out, fgs now he is threatening you for HIS behaviour shock!!!
It's your house too, you don't have to sell just because he is stamping his feet.
Go to see a solicitor, I'm not completely sure but I think you can stay in the home you both own until your youngest dc reach 18 as long as they are in fulltime education and then once they reach 18 it can be sold and proceeds split.

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