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So he slept with someone else..

(76 Posts)
winterland Thu 24-Jan-13 23:22:24

About 18 months ago. Whilst we were happy. She was my friend. Not a great friend but we hung out.

He said it only happened once. He even invited her to our BBQ the following week.

But apparently I drove him to it. By flirting with other people and causing his depression. By flirting, im Assuming he means talking to other men at work. I've made him depressed, so he says.

He's in the spare room, 3 beautiful innocent children upstairs and I've no idea what to do.

Thanks for reading

izzyizin Thu 24-Jan-13 23:23:43

When did you discover his infidelity?

Are you married to him?

Numberlock Thu 24-Jan-13 23:25:51

Let me guess - you found a text on his phone and confronted him and he's playing it down with the just once thing and anyway it's all your fault.

winterland Thu 24-Jan-13 23:27:31

Yep married for 8 yrs. I knew they'd spent the night together. But he swore nothing happened. I was a fucking fool to believe it.
Tonight we were arguing about something else and I brought it up. I pretended I knew and said ,'I know what happened with her so you may as well tell me' or something along those lines. And so he did.

MariusEarlobe Thu 24-Jan-13 23:27:41

It is NOT your fault, do not let him pass buck for his own shit behaviour.

prettypolly1 Thu 24-Jan-13 23:28:10

Can you provide a bit more background OP - so sorry for you sad

winterland Thu 24-Jan-13 23:28:25

All texts have been deleted and he's changed his Facebook and email passwords tonight.

prettypolly1 Thu 24-Jan-13 23:29:16

Sorry, you have now - X-posted.

He cheated and he has the cheek to tell you it's your fault?!

Don't you dare believe him.

RarelyAGobshite Thu 24-Jan-13 23:29:20

Hope you've taken his phone off him an spoken to your ex friend to try and get the truth.

And whatever happens, please believe this-you did not drive him to it.

No one MADE him have sex with someone else

MariusEarlobe Thu 24-Jan-13 23:30:59

All texts have been deleted and he's changed his Facebook and email passwords tonight.

Why would he change passwords tonight if he had nothing ELSE to hide.

winterland Thu 24-Jan-13 23:32:10

It was a friends weekend away. I said for him to go as he never gets out much and that I would stay home with the children. They were more my friends than his. Cue lots of alcohol and they apparently got stuck in the same hotel room together. I can't believe I actually believed that nothing happened. She's now moved away and husband and I have been relatively happy. Untill I got a new job and went from being a sahm to working part time. But the job is very demanding and make orientated. He's accused me of flirting with them all but I'm just trying to get on with everyone.

winterland Thu 24-Jan-13 23:33:31

Meant male orientated.

I assume he's messaged her to get their stories straight and then changed passwords.

RarelyAGobshite Thu 24-Jan-13 23:34:22

If he won't log in for you to prove there's nothing else I'd be trying to hack in myself just so I could get answers. (Have done this in the past unfortunately)

He's limiting the damage by not letting you see his e mails and fb.

Numberlock Thu 24-Jan-13 23:35:53

So no remorse from him whatsoever.

Definitely time to ask him to move out while you decide what to do next.

Looksgoodingravy Thu 24-Jan-13 23:38:01

Yes, he's probably recently messaged her otherwise there'd be no need to change his passwords!

He needs to be completely honest with you and I would suspect there's more to this story, they usually minimise initially.

RarelyAGobshite Thu 24-Jan-13 23:47:42

Not seen you for a while LooksGood- hope things are going well now for you

izzyizin Fri 25-Jan-13 00:07:39

He's accused me of flirting with them all

Attempting to disguise his infidelity by playing the part of the jealous h and accusing you than accuse you of lusting after om is a classic deflection tactic.

Prepare yourself for more revelations of an adulterous nature, honey, as it's probable the night in the hotel is not the one and only time he's had his leg over with ow.

izzyizin Fri 25-Jan-13 00:09:29

To make sense out of nonsense smile the first sentence above should read:

'Attempting to disguise his infidelity by playing the part of a jealous h and accusing you of lusting after om is a classic deflection tactic.'

bestsonever Fri 25-Jan-13 00:25:39

More likely,given changing of passwords, he has been up to other things since then and that on some level he knows this is wrong and that is fueling his depression, not you.

Skyebluesapphire Fri 25-Jan-13 00:31:37

Sounds like he has something to hide if he is changing passwords and deleting stuff. Sorry, but there is a lot more to this.

Don't take any blame for his infidelity, it's common for the cheater to blame the wife for making him do it!

winterland Fri 25-Jan-13 04:26:39

Thanks all. I know it doesn't look good. Pretty text book behaviour I'd reckon.

I think he's been accusing me of flirting because he felt guilty. Almost wanting me to be as bad as him. He hasn't even really said sorry, more just minimising it and blaming other factors. Ie I drove him to it.

It wasn't even in a period when he was depressed, that's come on fairly recently.

What do I do though? Let him stay because of the children or completely rock their world by asking him to move out? We have a substantial mortgage, my wages are crappy, he earns everything..

Sorry you are going through this. Please don't stay together for the children, everyone will end up miserable including the children.

Eastpoint Fri 25-Jan-13 06:46:02

It's all very well letting him stay because of the children but what about you. He didn't think of the children when he was unfaithful to his family. He has not treated you with respect by lying etc to you. He is not treating you with respect when he accuses you of driving him into another woman's arms. Do you want to spend the next 45 years with this behavior?

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding Fri 25-Jan-13 06:51:29

Don't take the blame for him being a hore!
Theres a lot more to this than he is telling you, as it seems odd he has gone to the trouble of wiping all his texts, emails etc.

I would be packing his bags and leaving them outside for the time being!

He isn't sorry and he is showing no signs of remorse, ltb as this isn't going to end well and it won't be fair on the children to stay in this messed up relationship.

Only you know if you can or want to forgive him & stay together, but his attitude is not really helping.

He's blaming you because he feels sick with guilt, but he'd be better of expressing his guilt & remorse honestly than going on the offensive.

I think you need to know more before you do anything - I personally could move on from a one off if he was really on board with rebuilding, but the password thing doesn't look good & implies that much more was going on, in which case your H had better start looking for a flat...

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