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Husband wants an abortion I don't please help

(171 Posts)
Lemonbuzz Thu 24-Jan-13 09:01:26

I never thought I would be posting on here.
I am 24. My dh is 34. We have 5 dc dd1 is nearly 8 dtwinson and dtwindaughyer are 5 dd3 is nearly 3 and dd4 is 19 months. I also had a mmc at 12 weeks in 2009

I have/had the merina coil. Found out last friday I am pregnant roughly 5 weeks.

Dh is adament he doesn't want another dc. We talked about having a another dc in the future but not at the moment.

We run our own taxi service which I answer the phones do the admin and he drives he works long and unsocial hours and doesn't get enough sleep as it is to be fair.

He wants me to have an abortion I've been to the doctors and made an appointment for bpas for Tuesday.

I really really really don't want to have an abortion.

He says he wont cope with another dc. He finds it hard to cope with the ones we have at the moment.

He says the final decision is mine. It doesn't feel like mine. I know he would be upset angry annoyed if I keep the baby.

But how can I have another baby knowing I forced him to be a dad again.

He says its unfair of me to force him to be a dad again when he doesn't want it.

How can I bring a baby up knowing dh didn't wanted it. I have no one else to talk to

Sorry its long I just don't know which way to turn.

Goodness me, you cant have been more than 16/17 when you had your first child, and your dh 26/27? You were a child yourself!

Do you have any parents who can help out, that you can talk to in real life about this?

He is not an arse for not wanting a 6th child. He is sensible. He is working all hours as a taxi driver, he must be exhausted too...

Astley Thu 24-Jan-13 12:49:30

Never ever have an abortion that you don't want.

You cannot undo it. Do not rush a decison like this. It clearly isn't what you want so give yourself time to be sure that you can live with it.

Touchmybum Thu 24-Jan-13 13:09:14

You aren't coming from an unbiased place then aufaniae. I am not telling the OP to do anything. I am merely giving my opinon and opinions were asked for.

I just felt that there needed to be another perspective, mainly because a lot of posters were calling her dh an arse.

He isn't an arse for knowing his limits. The OP obviously has to consider her own feelings, but not to the exclusion of her DH's feelings - or setting aside the impact of her decision on the children she already is responsible for.

Also, I advised her to speak to a professional counsellor. All of us here are bringing our own prejudices to the table.

I have a lot of sympathy with her DH, because I can understand his point of view. I also have a lot of sympathy with the OP because it's such an awful situation to be in.

Fairypants Thu 24-Jan-13 14:11:30

I had this argument with DH when dd1 came along. I do not have it in me to have an abortion so refused. This still comes up in arguments (14 yrs later) even though he loves her to bits now.
Also had this argument when dd2 came along (I know, not good with the contraception!) and he threatened to leave. I knew that I would never be able to cope with having an abortion and would never be able to stay with him if I did so dd1 was better off if I had the baby, even if that meant DH leaving. He got his head round it eventually but it was a really long struggle and he has only just started to understand. He sees a pregnancy as being a possible baby, I see it as being an actual baby and, whilst there are good reasons for a termination, I needed much stronger reasons than he was able to give me.
Anyway, the point is that termination is something that people understand in different ways and getting a better understanding of how each if you undetstands it may make a big difference. You may still disagree but are less likely to resent each others choices.
I hope you find a resolution to this, it is so difficult.

Skankorama Thu 24-Jan-13 14:14:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lubeybooby Thu 24-Jan-13 14:16:25

Don't be pressured

You were going to have a 6th at some point anyway

DC5 could have been twins again but he was happy to plan that

It will be cheaper and easier to do it now rather than starting all over again with a 6th later on

but most importantly you do not want to terminate - so don't.

He isn't an arse for knowing his limits

It's not about his limits. According to the OP another child wasn't out of the question in the future. Well the future has just arrived. He can't have it both ways. Either he absolutely didn't want any more and he should have done something about it or it was still a possibility. Well here you are.

Good luck op. It's a rotten situation, I hope it works out for you all as well as it possibly can.

PenguinsDancing Thu 24-Jan-13 15:07:20

It's a hard call - but ultimately your decision to make.

Decide FOR YOURSELF -either way - for a moment just take your DH out of the equation and think through how YOU feel about the pregnancy.

Not much help I know - ultimately though he could and some might argue SHOULD have had the snip already ....... a thread for another time .....

A termination is final and not without physical and emotional strain on you.

I've regretted having one in my 20's and honestly haven't got over it - but that's me. Personally if I were in that situation now then I wouldn't do it knowing how I feel now - 30 years down the line.

Offering you a hand to hold and a shoulder.

Just talk it through with as many people as you can trust

Hugs

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Thu 24-Jan-13 15:33:15

OP would you be able to cope financially with another DC?

With 5 already and planning for more in the future, will this LO really make much of a difference <fully aware i may be being naive>

Personally I think he is much more likely to love the child than you are to forgive him for the abortion.

Could you go for a scan and tell him about it and see if his reaction has changed? Maybe sit down together and devise a way in which it will work as a family 7 and look at a way of getting him more sleep.

Lemonbuzz Thu 24-Jan-13 15:55:07

I was 16 when I had dd1.
We do have a couple of drivers and trying to build our business bigger.

I've offered to get my taxi license.
He does get alot of time off work but when he is working he really works all out so he can have chunks of days off.

Having talked with him more today. He doesn't want to be father again. But doesn't want me to have an abortion. He is worried how he will cope. Worried about spending time fairly with all our dc's and worried about something happening to me during labour. When I had dd4 she was meant to be a homebirth but she was distressed and open her bowels in me was rushed to hospital. Luckily she was fine and I had her in the ambulance outside our house.

I just dont feel I will ever forgive myself or get over having an abortion

Lemonbuzz Thu 24-Jan-13 15:57:43

Sorry it should say. He doesn't want to be a dad again. But doesn't want me to have an abortion he would rather I had an abortion

Andro Thu 24-Jan-13 16:01:20

The big issue with respect to the impact on your other dc is how this impacts your relationship with your DH, whatever you ultimately do you need to reach some form of accord. Children pick up on atmosphere between their parents and it can be very damaging.

I hope you manage to work things out between you.

Lemonbuzz Thu 24-Jan-13 16:14:12

I haven't really got anyone else to talk to.
He spoke to his mum who said to him don't do anything you will regret. Which I think he is taken on board and is thinking about.
The only person I would want to talk to is his mum which would be unfair on him or my granddad. I don't feel like I could talk to my granddad as he isn't in the best of health and I wouldn't want to worry him.
I couldn't talk to my mum as I feel she would unfairly have a go at dh.
We are both so stressed out about this.
When he left for work a little while ago we kissed and cuddled and told each other that we still love each other.

Lueji Thu 24-Jan-13 16:14:29

Sure, he'd rather you have an abortion.
But what will he do if you don't?

Lemonbuzz Thu 24-Jan-13 16:20:10

I've asked him what will happen if I don't have an abortion. He just said he doesn't want to lose me or his children.

Lueji Thu 24-Jan-13 16:20:44

Regarding what will happen during labour, maybe not try for a homebirth?

And it sounds a good idea for you to get a taxi licence.

Lueji Thu 24-Jan-13 16:21:22

That's good. smile

Touchmybum Thu 24-Jan-13 16:42:31

That's why I think you need to talk to a counsellor, someone totally impartial, but experienced Lemonbuzz.

Side note I know but omg you are so young to have so many children! Your body could do with a rest... My daughter is nearly 16. If there was a man 10 years older than her getting her pregnant, I wouldn't be happy, I have to say. I could be your mother. If you were my daughter I would be extremely worried about you.

That was a theoretical child GwendolineMary. This is an actual one.

Do you have family support eg minding the kids, Lemonbuzz?

Viviennemary Thu 24-Jan-13 16:45:53

It is not a good situation. But I don't think the OP's DH should be slammed for not wanting more children when they have five already. But on the other hand she should absolutely not have an abortion if she doesn't want one.

bestsonever Thu 24-Jan-13 17:00:45

Marina coil - 20 min of agony going in, think I'd notice if it came out grin. Besides, if you er.. have a fumble up there, it's quite easy to feel the strings (they are quite noticeable) They do usually advise at the clinic that you check on a regular basis, so you know it's there?
Being a parent is great at times, but I would hate it to be the be all, as there are so many other enjoyable things to balance life with, so I could not imagine having anywhere near the amount you already have, therefore, would not be the one to advise now it's already happened. For the future though, best to arm yourself with the facts about contraception if consequences are life-changing.

bestsonever Thu 24-Jan-13 17:01:34

...that was meant to be an OMG face ??

HeyHoHereWeGo Thu 24-Jan-13 17:42:23

OP he'll come round.
I know its not fashionable or modern or mumsnet to say so.
Apparently we are all supposed to have done a big pros and cons list before each baby.
But babies do just decide to come along.
And women tend to start coping straight away.
But men do tend to start coping when baby comes along.
He will too.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Thu 24-Jan-13 18:00:44

Please don't be pressured into something you don't want

To continue with or end a pregnancy is one of the only situations where you cant always be 'fair' or logical, the decision is entirely yours

Take some time, get some impartial councilling, it must still be such a shock to find yourself in this situation

I have six dc and the change between five and six wasn't really that noticeable but of course each family and situation is different and for some it would be a step too far

JuliaScurr Thu 24-Jan-13 18:15:34
WakeyCakey Thu 24-Jan-13 18:44:21

OP I don't think either of you are in the wrong here. You really need to get away from all the DC's even if just for an hour together to chat an hug and cry and laugh and work out what is best for you both.

He seems like a real genuine man and I think you are obviously a super fertile great match smile

Just out of interest would your perspective change if this pregnancy turns out to be twins? If you don't already know that is

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