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advice please.....crying and hyperventilation

(35 Posts)
debz3610 Wed 23-Jan-13 22:51:48

please advise. Just had a huge bust up with my husband. Things havent been right for weeks, probably months. He doesnt speak to me, wont even sit in the same room as me. And he says its all about the state of the house. Now the house is untidy with toys and clothes drying etc etc but isnt that the norm?! He also does, nothing. I work two days a week and the rest of the time i like to do fun activities with dd. It all came out tonight that apparently im a pig, my heart is not in being a mother, i neglect our daughter, all i care about is myself and going out with friends. Im only 22, and i did have a couple of nights out over christmas. But he is older, doesnt drink and is very work minded.Ive also been looking at going back to uni, he is dead against this and says my job is at home with our daughter. Is he right?
It ended with me going to my mums tomorow, and he says its all my fault as im being selfish refusing to move an inch with "being a pig". Im not a naturally tidy person, and dont sweat the small things. He is a complete control freak. Someone tell me what to do (apart from the obvious drive into the middle of nowhere whilst blasting Taylor Swift and smoking a million cigarettes)
Sorry for the rabble, TIA

SirSugar Thu 24-Jan-13 19:28:36

sorry, mean't to say, get the police to go with you as he has become threatening

ladyWordy Thu 24-Jan-13 19:38:49

Hope you're feeling better debz. Make sure you get your property back, and don't hesitate to call police if he doesn't comply.

The person who needs to change personality is, of course, him. But his real meaning is that he expects you to change to suit his requirements. He is fundamentally dysfunctional. Perhaps that is why he married someone younger - he hoped you would look up to him, do what he wanted, and be easier to control.

Well, he's wrong, isn't he.

I don't know where you found this miserable, controlling, lazy, repressive old man, but I hope you will chuck him back in the miserable old blokes home where he belongs.

Build a new life befitting your youth and enthusiasm: go to college, and bring up your child in the sunlight, away from him.

tribpot Thu 24-Jan-13 19:40:37

my world will not end if i dont do the dishes right away. but apparently his will

Sounds like there's a good reason for him to be doing the dishes, then. Or he is not required to 'change his personality' for the good of his marriage?

His house, his car, his rules. Thank god you turned out not to be the easily-manipulated 22-year-old I suspect he thought you'd be. Your parents have brought you up to have a bit more self-respect than that.

izzyizin Thu 24-Jan-13 22:45:13

Please book an appointment with a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law asap.

If you cannot source personal recommendations from friends/relatives, locate your nearest WA branch here www.womensaid.org.uk and ask them to help you a find a solicitor, preferably one who offers a free half an hour initial consultation.

Is the car's registration in your name? If so, simply go and reclaim it taking a friend/family member with you should you be concerned that he'll kick off if he sees you getting into it/driving away.

izzyizin Thu 24-Jan-13 22:58:35
gorgeoushippo Thu 24-Jan-13 23:28:54

Well done for leaving.
When you can, print this thread as a reminder of why you must never go back to him. Ever.
Your husband is going to be horrendous through the divorce. Cut all contact with him NOW, let him contact you through your Mum about dd.
Good luck for uni. Got a feeling you are going to love it.

This man hates women. He considers them less than human, something between a domestic appliance and a domesticated animal. That's why he chose you, a woman much younger than him - he thought he could train you like a dog and, like a dog, you are his property and he is entitled to punish and control you. You have absolutely done the right thing in leaving him. Now cut all contact to the bare minimum (sorting out the finances and his access to DC). Don't accept any abuse or lecturing from him, just put the phone down on him. DOn't reply to texts or emails unless they are to do with sorting out finance and DC. He's a prick and you are well rid of him.

Anniegetyourgun Fri 25-Jan-13 00:00:29

You refer to him as your husband so I assume you're married; if you are, it is not "his" house, "his" car etc, it's both of yours, even if only his name is on the deeds, mortgage or ownership certificate. Definitely get legal advice.

ladyWordy Fri 25-Jan-13 01:15:50

debz... if he follows the usual pattern, you may now receive some combination of sob stories, 'I've changed, I know I was wrong' stories, flowers, tears, professions of love and loyalty, suicide threats, ordinary threats, fake concern for your mental health, or just a large nauseating dose of charm.

If so, be assured this is all fakery, designed to get you back in harness and under his control.

Keep strong, and keep thinking of your college place and your dd...

izzyizin Fri 25-Jan-13 01:20:45

Listen to Wordy. Take no notice of any protestations of remorse, promises to change etc.

Just go right ahead and divorce him before legal aid isn't available to you;
you can always remarry him, albeit it you'd be a fool to do so as leopards are not noted for changing their spots.

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