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Could really do with some opinions on this please

(52 Posts)
fedthefup Wed 23-Jan-13 22:40:17

I've been with DP for 18 months and we've had some major ups and downs but recently things have been great relationship wise.

He has been staying with me since Christmas as the flat he was staying in rent free for a friend is being renovated. My house has sold, awaiting exchange in the next couple of weeks so I am looking at renting. I earn a below average wage and will be eligible for some housing benefit and tax credits for myself and my son.

Anyway.. natural progression would be to rent a house together and there is nothing I would want more right now, but he has children with his ex wife, they split 2 years ago and she will not allow him to see the children by himself and certainly not with another partner (she is very protective over them). He went to court for a contact order but missed a court date and it was thrown out, we have the papers here again filled out but he says he is not in the right frame of mind to go through court at the moment and I should wait until he is ready.

He has had his Decree Nisi but now has to fill out Form E for the financial settlement. Since they split he has given her the whole amount of his drawings (quite substantial) from his family business (which is failing) and relied on his savings and extra work to live on, the money he has is not enough to live on and when looking at Form E and CSA calculations I told him he is presently paying 4 times what is reasonable and no judge would expect him to pay that much.

I asked what he would do if he was ordered to pay less and he said he wouldn't, he would find the money somewhere! It honestly is a ridiculous amount and he is not well off at all, the business is haemoraging money and is close to bankruptcy. He also maintains the 'disney dad' role and runs out and gets the children whatever they ask for.

Sorry for the long post, I guess the point of it is that I cant really see a future if he is not prepared to be sensible about what he can afford to pay, I would be happy to share a frugal life together so that he can support his children (which I fully commend) but I can't support him whilst he gives them everything - his ex has said she will not claim the benefits she is entitled to and if he doesn't give her this amount she will stop him seeing the children.

I want a future with this man but although he says he loves me I just can't see a way past this sad

fedthefup Thu 24-Jan-13 12:02:07

I have told him to go to the doctor as he does show signs of depression but he wont go. I think the whole situation is made worse because i am an organiser, if i see a problem i'll try to find a way around it and am pretty much a glass half full type of person.

I have told him to break everything down and start working through things instead of seeing everything as a whole big mess that cannot be fixed.

What i want him to do is:

Apply to the court for proper access to the children, see the process through and stop being bullied by his ex into believing he doesn't have rights.

Speak to his ex about finances and be completely honest - show her the accounts and work out a reasonable amount, although i guess this will all become transparent in court.

Stop buying the children whatever they ask for - they wont love him any less and they need to learn the value of money.

Get a proper evaluation of the business to find out if it can be salvaged or if they should cut their losses before they are forced to. The difficulty with the business is that he and his sibling are the owners on paper but their father pretty much rules the roost (he owns the building) and makes some ridiculous decisions regarding expenditure. So, DP has all of the debts/responsibility but is unable (won't stand up to his bullying father) to make changes within the business to try and cut costs. I don't think he can just walk away from it.

dequoisagitil Thu 24-Jan-13 12:07:04

You are probably entirely right about what he should do.

He's more of a project than a partner for you, however. A real fixer-upper.

What will you do with him when he's fixed (if you can fix him)? Do you think you have an emotional default where you need to be needed?

Helltotheno Thu 24-Jan-13 12:16:47

Think you're making your life a lot more difficult than it needs to be OP. Would you really willingly take on something that would make your life this hard? If you're not going to split up, then at least take sparkles advice and regain your own independence (homewise and workwise) and run the relationship from a bit of a distance to see how things pan out.

I'm always amazed how much of other people's problems some people are willing to take on. I think I must be selfish grin

fedthefup Thu 24-Jan-13 12:28:42

I think you are both right, it's definitely a project and there's only so much frustration i can deal with when he's not willing to actively sort out his problems. I guess so much of my life is taken up with him that i haven't really thought about mine (which is so simple!) I don't really have many friends so i need to work on that, maybe take up a hobby and look for a new job. I don't want to end things because i do love him but it is draining and i do spend a lot of time trying to make him feel better about himself.

dequoisagitil Thu 24-Jan-13 12:36:21

Sounds like a good plan. Don't let his stuff consume everything, it is unhealthy for both of you. Have your own life and let him sort out his own mess.

You really are between a rock and a hard place.

He pays your salary. You subsidize his living and put a roof over his head. He does not take a salary from his business, he gives it all to his children and ex.
Ie, you enable him to pay his children so much, by letting him live rent free and bill free at yours.

If you get a place together, you know that this will still happen? Because he will "find the money somehow" - and Meanwhile his business is failing.

If I were you, I would start looking for a new job pronto! And not be financially mixed up with this loser who has run both his family, his access to his children, and his family business to the ground!

What the F are you thinking, woman! shock

Ionasky Thu 24-Jan-13 12:50:47

Yes, you need some supportive friends, and some distance from him (including a different job) - if he does take control, well and good, you've got a clear plan there of what you need to see from him to carry-on/get more involved, so make that very clear to him too - it seems entirely sensible from what you've said.

Meanwhile, don't build your self-esteem on trying to fix him up, he has to find internal strength to make the changes himself - time to take a step back and see if he can implement any of it - if not...

Charbon Thu 24-Jan-13 13:06:27

Yet again this doesn't add up.

If the initial court date went well and the 'judge said he should be allowed to see the children' why was there even a second hearing and why is he now 'not in the right frame of mind' to go through an experience that according to him, went well and was positive? The court evidently don't believe the letter was lost and it's far more likely that he didn't open it, because he's disorganised and seeing his children isn't actually as important to him as it should be.

It didn't entirely surprise me to read that you don't have many women friends because I think most women would tell you that this story about the demon ex who won't let him see his children without good reason, is a crock of shite. It's really important to have people in real-life who haven't got the love goggles on and can see the situation with more objectivity.

You are personally very vulnerable in this situation and unwisely, your financial survival is dependent on his failing business. Working with him will further lessen your opportunities to meet new people and make friends.

fedthefup Thu 24-Jan-13 15:40:16

The court was a family court with Cafcass involved, it would have been an ongoing process with meetings every 6 weeks to review the situation. I asked why he didn't just re apply and get the ball rolling again as quickly as possible which would show the court and his children that he was fully committed, despite the missed date, to sorting out proper access. He said that his ex told him it would not be fair to drag the children through court (as far as i know this would not have been neccessary) and if the judge did allow access with us 'as a family' she would move the children away (I don't believe she would as all of her family are here, the kids are settled in schools and she has plenty of friends). Sigh... writing it all down it just seems pointless

You say you work at your dps business. Are you the reason why they split up?
Is that why he is so guilty and unable to proceed? And why you wont give him up?

Charbon Thu 24-Jan-13 16:32:25

Yes this is the "he said that she said" syndrome.

If you haven't spoken to his ex wife and corroborated any of this, be extremely sceptical about what you are being told. I assumed this was a family court by the way and I can tell you that this story has more holes than a sieve.

Xales Thu 24-Jan-13 16:44:53

He is a grown adult who has run a business employing at least one other - you. He has married and had children.

You are making lists of basics of what you want/think he should do.

He has lived rent free off a mate for a year.

He is not in the right frame of mind to fight for seeing his kids.

He sounds useless.

If you split will you lose you job?

Stabbing in the dark here but does his EXW actually know he is living with someone else and in a new relationship. Do you know she knows this for a fact?

Is it possible that he is trying to maintain the financial status quo with his EXW in order to try and attain a reconciliation hence his non-committment to new property or officially furthering his relationship with you?

I am sorry if that seems insulting but it just doesn't sound like he and his EXW are finished. Are they actually divorced?

Charbon Thu 24-Jan-13 17:37:06

If he's completing a Form E then it looks like the divorce petition must have gone in, but I also wonder whether he wants the relationship to be over. You mentioned his father owning the business OP. Do all his family and friends know about your relationship? If so, do they back up these stories about his wife?

FastidiaBlueberry Thu 24-Jan-13 19:39:05

He doesn't exactly sound like a catch.

Why on earth do you want him?

He sounds like an exhausting project that will never be finished.

fedthefup Thu 24-Jan-13 20:09:44

I wasn't the reason for the break up but it was a new split and i did know the family, so there is a lot of anger towards me from Ex wife. I get on great with the rest of his family and i know he is not wanting a reconciliation with her. I didn't start working for DP until a few months into our relationship.

He just spoke with the children and was told by the eldest that he wouldn't get any presents for his birthday next week because mummy had no money?!? Fgs, why ruin a kids birthday over money (to make the childrens father feel bad)

I'm just sick of her pleading poverty and him promising the kids anything - it's not what i am used to, i know that she has money and i am used to making ends meet, arghhhh - sorry to go on, they just both live in lala land :-/

Charbon Thu 24-Jan-13 20:48:27

There's a lot of anger from you towards her, actually.

None of these things she allegedly says appear to be heard or witnessed by you personally, but relayed second-hand, usually by him.

Why do you want to believe such a blatantly tall tale that casts his ex wife in such a bad light? Especially when you know yourself first hand that her ex-husband is feckless, irresponsible and a stranger to the truth?

fedthefup Fri 25-Jan-13 20:59:22

I do find myself actually sympathising with her, she was probably a lovely lady once until she met him and just had child after child to fill the void left by his selfish ways sad

fedthefup Fri 25-Jan-13 21:00:19

I am exhausted!!

Posterofapombear Fri 25-Jan-13 21:13:59

Wow. Just wow.

He sounds like an utter waste of oxygen. But you don't actually want our opinion unless it corresponds with yours do you?

dequoisagitil Fri 25-Jan-13 22:07:32

Sounds like some sense here, OP (your last 2 posts). I don't think this man has anything to bring to a relationship.

Pull back, fgs.

fedthefup Sat 26-Jan-13 00:58:28

No, my opinion is the same as yours unfortunately, I guess I'm just not ready to let go yet - heard today that exchange should be 2 weeks on my house so that will be good, he wont be able to stay in my new rental as I will have to claim as a single parent and he will have to make his own way - it could have been different but that was his choice so I need to do whats best for me and my children :-)

Charbon Sat 26-Jan-13 01:05:22

Sounds like the right conclusion, but I'd really advise you to separate your employment from this relationship.

I'd add that he had child after child too. If he didn't use contraception, then he consented to those children being conceived and born. It's only right therefore that he should pay his share for them and not expect them to rely on benefits.

fedthefup Sat 26-Jan-13 01:17:13

Yes I totally agree, in the early days of our relationship I had a pg scare and he was quite happy - I booked him in for a vasectomy last january ;-) he does want to provide for the children but not realistically - I will be job hunting as soon as I move !!!

Charbon Sat 26-Jan-13 01:23:28

Good luck OP.

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