Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2 3 4 5

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DH being controlling or am I over reacting?

116 replies

Flumpyflumps · 23/01/2013 21:08

DH is going away to his mums for the weekend on Friday.
He is taking DD too and I am clear to stay here and have some time to myself (nice!)
HOWEVER. I just said to him I'd most likely go out with my friend sat as it was her birthday this week, and I'd probably take my 'spends' money out for that.

DH thinks I should wait and not spend it this weekend, and if I over spent he Would Not be bailing me out and not to drink too much as its so expensive.

I had up til this point been under the impression that we had equal rights to the money and that I was in fact an adult that could budget already!!

Gah! So annoyed, AIBU?

OP posts:

Report

Hissy · 23/01/2013 21:10

I don't think you are over-reacting. If you want to go out, go out!

How long has it been since you had a childfree going out evening?

kittybiscuits · 23/01/2013 21:12

I would treat myself to extra cocktails on the basis of his comments, but then I'm a childish bugger! What's he really worried about?

ErikNorseman · 23/01/2013 21:13

What is he, your dad???

Flumpyflumps · 23/01/2013 21:14

It's not so much the going out its the money.

I've had child free time just after Christmas and all is fine on that front, I'm just so annoyed he would say on one hand to have child free time and on the other he thinks I shouldn't over down an don't forget I won't help out if you spend it all on drinks!

Like I'm a child!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 23/01/2013 21:14

"spends" ?

Flumpyflumps · 23/01/2013 21:14

Over spend that should say

OP posts:

Flumpyflumps · 23/01/2013 21:15

Spends AF is our equal share of the leftover money

OP posts:

prettypolly1 · 23/01/2013 21:15

What is your 'spends' money? Is it like an allowance he gives you?

AnyFucker · 23/01/2013 21:17

Why does he think he can tell you how to use your "spends" ?

And why would you give it headroom ?

Flumpyflumps · 23/01/2013 21:17

No allowance here just to clarify we both work and have equal access and an agreed amount we have each to spend on ourselves.

OP posts:

boodles · 23/01/2013 21:18

Sounds to me he doesn't want you to go out this weekend. The whole point of you having 'spends' is so you can choose how to spend them!

Tell him you are an adult and will choose how to spend your own money.

AnyFucker · 23/01/2013 21:18

Please call it something else. It makes you sound 12yo.

AuntieStella · 23/01/2013 21:18

It would be controlling if he were telling you not to go, full stop. Or if he were telling you you could not spend your share of the family disposable income as you wish.

Telling you not to exceed your share of the disposable income does make him sound a bit of an arse, but it's a fair standpoint.

tribpot · 23/01/2013 21:20

So it's your discretionary money to spend as you choose?

Note the words in this sentence: discretionary. Choose.

What does he mean, if you end up going over budget you'll have to start flogging the silver to pay him back? What happens if he over spends his discretionary money one month?

nefertarii · 23/01/2013 21:20

Is there a history of you going out on the piss and spending loads and then expecting him to fund things out of his 'spends'?

If not tell him to jog on.

AnyFucker · 23/01/2013 21:20

There is overt controlling behaviour and covert controlling behaviour

He is demonstrating the latter. I advise you to take not a jot of notice of it.

In fact, get smashed on Margaritas and get a tattoo while you are pissed.

I am not completely serious about the last sentence.

Flumpyflumps · 23/01/2013 21:21

That's just it there isn't any history of me over spending at all!
He's just said he thinks my friend will talk me into clubbing which will be even more money blah blah blah, in tuning him out now as there's undertones in his voice I don't like the sound of.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 23/01/2013 21:26

He objects to you goi g to a club ?

Does he think your friend will lead you astray and you will accidentally fall onto some other bloke's tackle ?

Flumpyflumps · 23/01/2013 21:30

I think it's the money more than the club AF, we have been totally fine with our arrangement, but tonight he seems to be dying to know exactly what I'm going to spend and when am I going to be spending it.
Questions like what club, how much is it to get in, I'll just look it up online, are you going to do rounds or wine, it's like an interview.

OP posts:

ClippedPhoenix · 23/01/2013 21:31

Sounds like he's being an arse and not wanting you to enjoy yourself whilst he has the kids therefore using some other form of control.

Tell him to bugger right off.

AnyFucker · 23/01/2013 21:32

I disagree.

I think it's you going to a club.

How much "spends" are we talking about, btw.

If "spends" is a fiver, he might have a point.

ClippedPhoenix · 23/01/2013 21:33

Posted that before your last post. I'd be wondering what he's been up to lately to be honest, why the spanish inquisition all of a sudden?

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Flumpyflumps · 23/01/2013 21:36

I will call it something else AF I just don't want to use spending money as that sounds odd to me, what should I use instead?

It's my friends birthday so I will be going where she wants to, I think it's annoying him that I haven't got a firm itinerary with times, taxis boomed and full budget spreadsheet.

Knob.

OP posts:

ClippedPhoenix · 23/01/2013 21:38

You have to have a "firm itintery" OP, really?

He definitely thinks he's in charge of you huh.

ClippedPhoenix · 23/01/2013 21:40

itinerary of course. I was angry on your behalf there!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.