My original thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1653086-is-it-me-or-him
Ongoing row with yet again no resolution. I finally wrote him a letter:
Dear xxxxxx,
I'm lost. And I can't go on this way. And more importantly, I won't go on this way.
I have argued with myself non stop about dragging out this silence but I keep coming back to the fact that if I don't fix it, it won't get fixed.
I can only assume that you think this is my issue. And therein lies the problem.
This particular situation was caused by your reaction to what you perceived to be criticism from me. You bullied dd13 over the tv, you reacted with aggression when I called you on it, you told us to shove it up our arses and stormed out of the house. You ignored me when you came back and again the following morning. And I'm supposed to do what? Apologise to you for not allowing you away with bullying? (Her tv programme ended before you put your coat on, yours started as you locked the front door).
Why can you not say "yeah, sorry, I over reacted"? That would have ended the whole thing there and then. But it seems to me that you do not actually believe you should have to apologise at all. Do I not deserve that level of respect? Does dd not deserve that level of respect?
How can you let this silence go on this long and do nothing about it? Does our marriage mean so little to you that you won't do anything to sort it out? Or do you really believe that I will just get over it and then you'll forgive me? Do you really think my standards for myself are that low that I would allow myself a month long hissy fit without being aware of the long term consequences? This is Day 41. If I had caused this, I would have apologised 40 days ago.
It's becoming very simple. I will not fix this. Because I always do. And then I get blamed. Or get called a miserable bitch. Or worse. And you don't apologise. Or if you do, you apologise for your words but not for the hurt you might have caused. And you think I'm too stupid to know that.
I have asked you twice to make time to talk about this. You have ignored both requests.
Our marriage is broken. I will not continue in a relationship where I am not respected, where communication only works on a practical level, where I am afraid to talk to you and have to suss out your mood before attempting to discuss anything, where I get no hugs, no emotional support, no intimacy.
I will continue with my counselling and I think you need to do the same. You cannot handle conflict, you get defensive instantly, you get aggressive and you are not able to say sorry. I don't want an aggressive SOB, especially not when that aggression can be directed towards me. (He once told me he was an aggressive son of a bitch but he was my aggressive SOB!)
It took 8 hours but he eventually replied with this:
How strange is this, apart from a different preamble and opinion of how this started, I could have written that letter from me to you. One difference is that in the twelve years or so that we have known each other, you have never, ever said the word sorry, it's always my fault.
Regarding the kick off event, I very strongly object to being treated like an unwelcome intruder in my own home and being spoken to like a piece of shit that walked in on someone's shoe, it wasn't just the comment, it was the atmosphere when I walked into the house. This is not the first time I reacted that way to the same treatment, which does of course depend on your humour at any given time. In the past I did decide to offer the olive branch for the sake of all. I am a reactive person, I never walk in looking for trouble and I most certainly am not a bully. I don't think I am very demanding and I don't generally interfere in how you guys operate the house, even though there are some things I don't like or agree with.
This time I decided not to apologise for my reaction and use of intemperate language. You decided to use teenage girls schoolyard bullying in an attempt to make me conform to your way of thinking. Of course, I don't bully easily so when that didn't work you then demand that I sit down and talk to you. I'm sorry for not asking "how high" when you decided I should jump, after six weeks of been sent to Coventry, especially when I have not been refusing to talk to you, that was your game.
On the wider issue of relationship and intimacy, it was me that suggested counselling and I assumed it would mean for both of us. I don't know the answers so commenting or discussing would probably not be productive, without at least some conversation with a counsellor as to how that should be handled.
I am a man, I'm not a SOB, I try to be gentle but that does not mean soft and I am just as amendable to a hug as anyone else.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Ongoing row...two letters...your opinions please. (long)
lovemenot · 22/01/2013 23:24
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