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Please help

(11 Posts)
Purplepeach Mon 21-Jan-13 05:45:38

My three year relationship is about to end. The last year has been very turbulent and my dp has given up. I am very much in love with him and although its been a hard 12 months we have overcome so much. I have a 17 year failed marriage behind me. I didn't work hard at things during that time. I met my dp and fell deeply in love with him. His energy, intellect and his general loveliness. I am quite a naive person when it comes to matters of the heart. I love truely and deeply. I knew when I was married that there was true love. I found it with my dp. I married young I never knew what love was until now. I have tried to tell him and show him at every opportunity. I took my ex husband for granted and wasn't a proper wife. When I met the love of my life I promised to show and tell my love at every opportunity. I have all of myself to him emotionally and physically. I have learned so much from him and he has truely made my life richer. Trouble is he sees my efforts as too full on. I wasn't insecure to begin with I knew we were it. That I loved him and he loved me. Friends saw how solid we were and I knew true elation and love after meeting him. 12 months after we started seeing eachother he told me he needed to see if an ex partner would have him back. I told him he owed it to himself to ask if there was unfinished business. I didn't want to lose him but wanted him to be happy.he deserves it. She left him dangling on a cruel string for months..never making her true feelings known., he decided to plough everything into us. He was happy to do so. I've never given south of myself to another person he knew that and was in love with me. The ex then asked him outright did he love me more than her. He said yes. After 12 months we both lost out jobs couldn't afford to go out and were by default at home all of the time. I tried tower him happy by doing what I could to make his life easier.. I smothered him. But I was only trying to show him love and support. I think it went wrong after that as when times got rough financially and socially he realized we weren't all that. He's not the type to deal with stresses and strains of everyday life so I tried to for us both. He looked at me in the end and blamed me for ruining his life. He'd say that anyway. His family have all let him down I was the only one who was there I took the brunt. He flip flopped between appreciating me and resenting me. All the time I loved him unconditionally. I was in it for the long haul. I've never believed in anything more. We overcame our hurdles. Then he left for space. Couple of nights turned into a month.,I was shocked believing he'd walk back through the door any minute. When it took a month I realized we can't have meant to him what I thought we did. After a month he came back. He's been staying at his brothers one or two nights sporadically but his faithfulness has never been in question. I believe in working together not in seperation in order to improve things. But I tried to respect his needs. He then took to visiting his ex partners house to spend time with his son. I know as I'd been round one night he was sleeping with his son. I always trusted him. New year was a disaster I was on a mission to leave the bad stuff behind and move into 2013 together and better than ever. I drank too much wobbled and all the stress of the past year manifested itself. I was a state but not dangerous. Unemployment and financial hardship have out assed pressure on us. But after working on things we began to come together again. I was thrilled and am constantly working on ways I can improve my ability to get this right. My dps attitude towards me has changed. Things he loved or was tolerant of now irritate him. He's not perfect in fact a challenge at times. He's now taken to staying over at his exes house to see his son. When we were solid I felt untouchable. Since things have been different and with all history being taken into account i struggle with him staying there. I like to think I'm showing trust but friends say I'm being a mug. His ex even told me to not let him walk all over me. I'm not used to my partner sleeping out whatever the circumstances. I've never had to deal with an ex before or a situation with children that aren't my own. I'm wondering would anyone else think it was acceptable for my partner of three years to be spending nights at his exes to see his son as she won't let him see him at our house at the moment? I want him to see his son.
But don't see why he hastily stay over. I trusted Hun to be in with his son not to drink or stay up once his son was asleep. He told me when drunk. He had stayed up she came in drunk and they sat up drinking all night til 6. He'd previously told me the opposite. I believe he hasn't cheated but didn't think he'd lie. I was heartbroken finding out as we'd just had the most lovely of nights together., made progress and been close. I told him what he'd said when drunk. I told him I believe he hasn't cheated but I'm hurt he lied. Am I a mug? Or showing respect and trust to him? Please advise. He's leaving soon he said so. I'm devasted. I know what I'd tell friends of they were in this position but I truely know we be what we were and better.he won't be honest with me about if he wants to be here. He pushes away what hurts. And is very stubborn. I need him to be honest with me however hard it will be. Will he do that? Or do some men just dissapear? I wouldn't subject myself to such turbulence not before this or after if we fail. Sorry if I've droned on was just trying to explain it all so as to be better advised. It's my first post apologies if its sub standard

EMS23 Mon 21-Jan-13 05:58:25

I couldn't read and not reply. I'm sorry but it sounds like he's given up in your relationship. You are clearly very in love with him but you shouldn't have to turn yourself inside out to show him why he should stay. If he wants to be with you, he'll realise these things on his own. If he doesn't want to be with you, he's going to feel even more smothered by your efforts.

As for him staying at his ex's house... My DH did this for the first 3 yrs after their split. At the time it made sense as she had moved far away. Friends were incredulous that I 'put up with it'.
Is this a new thing? If so, where did he see his son before? Why the change?
But to be honest, I think this is a side issue if the relationship is coming to an end anyway.

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. You are not a failure.

Purplepeach Mon 21-Jan-13 08:16:18

Thank you for your reply. I've awoke this morning with a heavy heart. Your advice sounds like sense. Reading your reply I felt dad at the realization that your right he should realize I'm worth staying with. We've been through so much and I could see the light at the end of they tunnel, but if he can't then my efforts however great are futile I know. Besides I don't want to be second best and it already feels like I am. He says its my fault that his ex won't allow his son to be at our house. I did something very stupid. Il be honest about it though here goes. I went to her to ask for advise. :/ she knows him and sees to have his respect.( I think this is because she is the mother of his child, I could be wrong) anyway we argued he isn't a bad person but can be hot headed saying the very worst thing he can think of at the worst time for maximum effect. I'm not good at confrontations and come across as a jabbering idiot letting my upset emotional ramblings come through. I'm not clear on concise. I was at a loss as to how to tackle the behaviour I went to her. She was very gracious but because her son was present (although not in earshot) she won't let him come short term I think. I don't blame her as a mum myself if be dubious not having witnessed what actually went on. Her son was safe though of course and unaffected. Now to see his son he has to go to her house. But my arguement or point is why does he have to sleep? He has no need to be there once his son is asleep and could and should come home. He says he's toeing her line to be able to see his son. She's always used her son to control my dp. I think the writing is on the wall. I also think contrary to what she told me she may be wanting my so back. I may be wrong. Time will tell I suppose. :-( I shouldn't have gone to her but retrospect is a marvellous thing isn't it? I feel like a failure as the man I love I seem to be driving away. If it all goes wrong I'll be devasted I ploughrf so much into it. My children love him and his boys. Il post again later. Thanks again. X

SorryMyLollipop Mon 21-Jan-13 08:38:10

Does his ex live far away? If not then there is no legitimate reason for him to stay over there. I wouldn't say you're a mug, more that you have maybe been naive and too trusting.

You say that you have given this man everything - as a response to the failings of your previous marriage - this can be a very noble intention but sadly, in the real world, it leaves you open to being exploited and vulnerable. You have lost your sense of self and your identity, which is what he presumably fell in love with in the first place.

It sounds like he has never really got over his ex either.

I am also concerned that his behaviour has been so difficult for you that you felt the need to consult his ex about how to handle him, and that she warned you about him. Two big red flags!

I think you need to call time on this relationship. You cannot control the thoughts and desires of another person, no matter how much you sacrifice for them.

I know that it's sad, but this man does not seem to be worthy of all your efforts and I also think you would benefit from some time alone to work on your independence and expectations etc.

Successful relationships are about balance and cooperation, not one person sacrificing themselves for the other.

Good luck

Purplepeach Mon 21-Jan-13 09:53:01

Thanks for the advice it's so hard to have clarity when one is involved in the said situation. I know you are all right I appreciate your replies. I have only had one other relationship. Very different to this one. My ex husband and father of my two children is a fantastic man and a great dad. We were together for 17 years married for 15. We never went to bed on an arguement never really rowed at all. Married at 21 more like best friends and not in love in the true sense I now know. I don't regret being married to him but I do know because he did things for me in a supportive manner I took it for granted. We seperated I'm 2010 divorced Xmas 2011. He told me days after he is gay. I had no idea. I went through the usual emotions but I realized however I was feeling he was feeling worse. He hadnt acted on it I could tell by the way he was when he told me. We get on and I'm glad he's happy. Out children are loved and our eldest (10) now knows about her dad. I was nervous about him telling her but its gone really well. I feel I can't get it right. My dp is the love I knew was out there while married and knowing something was missing from my life.the family unit I've strived for and my desire to work through issues as well as a deep love for him is the reason I've continued to try but I do realise that of I'm trying for something that's not right for both of us then its in vein and unfair on both parties. I wouldn't do this for anyone else haven't and won't again. I'm counting on my dp to be honest with me my trust was shaken when I found out he had in fact stayed up and had a drink with his ex instead of being in bed at 12.30 with his son and not drinking as he said he hadn't. Not a big deal maybe he's an adult but I trusted him and struggled on the night he was there. He knew that. I'm trying to be cool. Not to seem needy.(loving in my eyes) but I think I'm just scared he'll give up after everything when we'd almost made it through everything. I don't think he is completely over her perhaps feels guilty for not trying with her. He doesn't. I just don't want him to be hot headed and give up prematurely on us but if he does of rather know what's on his mind. I've asked but he thinks I'm hounding him. He's out all day back at teatime he said he was leaving today last night. I'm not sure what will happen I won't stand in his way il just hope he respects me to keep me in the picture. I know how pathetic this sounds. Things aren't always black and white though are they. I'm concentrating best I can on me and the kids but to be honest this situation is draining and will have to be resolved soon if not by him by me :/ thanks everyone this is really helping me. Xx

Purplepeach Mon 21-Jan-13 09:56:33

Sorry for the grammar and typos I'm on my phone chubby fingers lol.

dequoisagitil Mon 21-Jan-13 10:04:38

You're being a mug. He's got you on a string and he is treating you with disrespect. If you make yourself a doormat, people wipe their feet on you - and that's what he's doing.

Get some self-esteem. Dump the fucker.

PeppermintPasty Mon 21-Jan-13 10:06:13

I think he is taking you for a fool.

I think he either wants out of the relationship entirely, or he wants to keep you on the side in case things do not work out with his ex.

Does the thought of being on your own scare you? Entirely understandable if it does, but Lollipop is right about working on yourself, your independence and your self esteem-you do sound needy, and a little desperate for this man who, from what you have describred, is not worthy of your love, frankly.

Have you got a good network of support among family and friends?

Oh, and could you put your posts into paragraphs please as they are hard to read as one big block smile

PeppermintPasty Mon 21-Jan-13 10:07:46

Ah dequoisagitil makes the point beautifully with significantly less words wink

PeppermintPasty Mon 21-Jan-13 10:09:35

fewer blush

Purplepeach Mon 21-Jan-13 10:16:08

Got ya! Lol I like the direct angle. I'm just pouring it all out sorry its a jumbled mess lol. It's a representation of my head at the mo.:/

Being on my own does scare me and taking the plunge and ended things is scarey. I will if need be though. You just have to get to the point yourself don't you? I'm almost there.

Il see how the next few days goes. I do know I deserve to be respected and have my feelings taken into account more.

He is a good man just confused I think. He lacks empathy too.,I'm not sure if that's a man trait though my ex is a gay man so can't really be sure. Ha. Thanks everyone il keep you posted. :-)

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