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Terrified of resuming sex!

(56 Posts)
abi2790 Sun 20-Jan-13 22:59:11

Hi everyone! As the title says I'm terrified of having sex for the first time after birth seven weeks ago. My partner has been giving hints for weeks and of course I've explained why I didn't want to and why I wasn't ready. Now it's different. I feel ready physically but I don't know if I'm there emotionally yet. How do I get past this? I feel if I listen to my brain then we will never do it! I'm terrified it will hurt, I'm breastfeeding so I don't want my boobies leaking and I feel ugly because of my really horrible stretch marks! Should I just do it and then it's over with and I have nothing to worry about? Arrrgghh confused face sad

Numberlock Mon 21-Jan-13 10:52:03

I also don't like the sound of 'dropping hints'. Absolutely fine for him to say he is looking forward to the day when they are ready to resume a sexual relationship, how proud and happy he is to be a dad and will wait as long as necessary etc etc.

But what does 'dropping hints' actually mean? Telling her how horny he is (hate that word by the way), unwanted advances, coming onto her when she's doing household tasks?

PatButchersEarring Mon 21-Jan-13 10:52:23

Agree that 7 weeks is very, very early.

Your partner needs to back off, OP.

Christ, I think me & DP managed to DTD for the first time closer to around 7 months afterwards!

7 weeks on, I was still nervous of touching myself, let alone allowing someone else to!

CailinDana Mon 21-Jan-13 12:47:46

A partner who is only interested in your physical readiness for sex but doesn't really seem to care how you feel isn't going to turn you on, basically because he sees you as a body that is functional rather than a person with needs and wants. You absolutely do not have to do anything even vaguely sexual until you are 100% happy to do so.

Why don't you kiss and hug each other OP?

abi2790 Mon 21-Jan-13 13:29:36

By hints I don't mean he is pressuring me. I have explained that I'm not ready and he does understand but at the same time explains how "horny" he is (I hate that word too lol). I would 'help' him (LOL!) But I just really don't feel like it. That sounds really selfish! But baby sleeps next to us in his crib and because I'm ebf I feel like my body is my baby's at the minute and any sexual act would be wrong. I know it probably isn't but I can't help feeling that way sad Really don't know to explain to oh though!

Flisspaps Mon 21-Jan-13 13:36:51

Perfectly normal (for you to feel that way) and selfish of him - not you - to bring it up more than once!

Utterlylostandneedtogo Mon 21-Jan-13 13:44:09

Tell him that then. There is nothing wrong with not being ready for sex but you must talk to him.

Numberlock Mon 21-Jan-13 13:47:47

What's wrong with wanking? How is him telling you how horny he is in any way helpful?

CailinDana Mon 21-Jan-13 13:49:18

But he is pressuring you, by dropping hints. You need to tell him that you'll let him know when you're ready and until then you'd rather he didn't mention it. 7 weeks is a very short time in the scale of things. There's absolutely no need to feel selfish - you're recovering from a massive life-changing event plus your hormones are all over the place, the way you feel is totally normal and understandable.

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jan-13 14:48:21

Yes, he is pressuring you.

if my DH kept asking if I was ready and complaining about how "horny" he was my reply would be "and that is my problem, because...?"

Numberlock Mon 21-Jan-13 15:03:05

AF - I'm guessing this is another item on your Top 10 of Shit Not To Take From Men. grin

I think we're piecing the list together bit by bit.

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jan-13 15:07:54

Yougoddit, NL smile

Numberlock Mon 21-Jan-13 15:14:58

Ha ha, I'm going to claim a prize when I get all 10!

BelaLugosisShed Mon 21-Jan-13 15:21:33

Are some men just so stupid that they don't realise that huge physical and psychological changes affect the vast majority of women for months after giving birth and that sex isn't a priority?
Why would a man even want sex with a woman who doesn't feel ready?
It all smacks of a man wanting to "reclaim his property" - there ought to be a guide to sex after childbirth for new fathers, it obviously doesn't get talked about much - basically
1. Do not hint, whine or sulk about lack of sex when you have a newborn.
2. Learn about the effects that birth and breastfeeding can have on a woman.

It's not difficult, don't be a selfish knob.

Numberlock Mon 21-Jan-13 15:28:20

Are some men just so stupid that they don't realise that huge physical and psychological changes affect the vast majority of women for months after giving birth and that sex isn't a priority

Simple answer = yes.

CailinDana Mon 21-Jan-13 15:43:27

It's more that some men see sex as their right, rather than something that both partners really enjoy, and they get annoyed when that "right" is taken away after a baby is born. They think women should just suck it up and get on with it, even if they don't want it. It's a disgusting attitude but one that a lot of women end up getting sucked into unfortunately. Thus the feeling of being "selfish" for not giving in, even when they really don't want sex. Women are constantly given the message that they owe their men sex, when they absolutely do not. Sex is a purely optional activity that you do because you want to and you enjoy it. It is NOT a duty.

I'm not saying your partner thinks that way Abi, but he's skirting dangerously close to it. He should realise that if you wanted sex you would have it, and that by pressuring you he is basically saying you need to do it just for his sake. The fact that he would have sex with you even if you're unwilling is pretty horrible really - why would he even enjoy that? Unless he sees sex as something he does to you rather than something you enjoy together.

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jan-13 16:28:20

Not necessarily stupid but certainly entitled and selfish

PaleHousewifeOfCumbriaCounty Mon 21-Jan-13 16:36:03

Maybe its his hamfisted way of saying he still finds you attractive, despite your body insecurities?

bestsonever Mon 21-Jan-13 17:16:51

There seems to be a lot of mystery around childbirth even though it's the 21'st century. I remember wondering after it how come so much happened that I never knew existed, during and a long time after. It really is about time all taboo's around talking about stuff got blown away. Not only so women have a clue, but men also - how are they ever going to fathom what can be a shock to us to find out as we didn't know therse things either! It's a strange world at times.

Numberlock Mon 21-Jan-13 17:31:27

Bollocks pale. After the first time of it being made clear it wasn't happening, that's his cue to drop it, not keep dropping 'hints'. It's borderline sex pest behaviour. Have a wank ffs.

BertieBotts Mon 21-Jan-13 17:40:16

I agree with Cailin.

OP 7 weeks is very early days, and if your partner is putting pressure on you (intentionally or not) this is even less likely to make you feel safe and loved - on the contrary pressure just makes you feel (in my experience) like sex is all they want from you! Yeah, that's a great way to get you in the mood! hmm

Why are you not kissing and cuddling, if you want to do this? Is it because you're worried that he will take it as an invitation to sex and then get upset/frustrated? (Perhaps even upset/frustrated at you, making you feel unreasonable?) Can you talk to him about this as it's important for you both that that intimacy remains - again without pressure - as it is the building blocks to get back to "normal" if that makes sense.

facebookaddictno9 Mon 21-Jan-13 18:15:34

actually I think it's ok for him to discuss it- my DH was tterrified of sex after a pregnancy bleed with DC1. I had to push the issue to get to the bottom of what was wrong.

However even I would tear DH a new one if he chased me around complaining about feeling horny - we had sex quite quickly because I felt ready - he wouldn't push me into anything.

facebookaddictno9 Mon 21-Jan-13 18:24:27

not push him into sex btw but he isn't the most talkative of people sometimes

RokerFace Mon 21-Jan-13 18:44:53

When you've finished high-fiving yourselves AnyFucker and Numberlock (bad form on a sensitive post in Relationships btw) maybe you can finish putting words in the OP's mouth.

OP has said he hasn't pressured her and doesn't feel pressured. All she said was he has been dropping hints for a few weeks not "in the delivery suite" or "or that her DH kept asking if she ready".

Lots of other posters have said to OP to take it slow, when she's ready, on her terms etc. so not quite sure why you have singled me out. Heaven forbid I try to reassure someone who is looking for reassurance and advice and who HASN'T suggested in the least that she's unhappy with her DP or feels pressured by him (she even said she doesn't!)

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jan-13 19:21:06

Oh dear, Roker, does it make you feel uncomfortable to see two people make a connection that didn't include you ?

I am sure OP is ok with a small amount of lightheartedness on her thread. You said yourself she isn't being pressurised unduly so trying to make me feel guilty on a "sensitive" thread comes across as rather disingenuous.

Then again, OP could speak for herself. She has a voice.

viagrafalls Mon 21-Jan-13 19:36:33

We still haven't DTD and DD is almost 18months. sad I don't know when I will feel 'ready', but OH has never dropped any kind of hint or suggested anything although of course I know he would love to. Soon hopefully! blush

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