Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

£768.25 on online games

(61 Posts)
sweetestB Sun 20-Jan-13 18:15:46

I discovered today that from December 2011 - January 2013, H has spent £768.25 on online games. He also spend money on beer, cigarette, weed and cocaine. I don't know how often he takes cocaine, he said the other day 2x a month than corrected to 2x a year. But he smokes weed frequently. We both work full time, I'm always looking for deals when buying anything, DD (5) is on 2nd hand clothes most of the times and I don't have that much clothes either. All because I scrimp and save. When dd was born we were in deep financial trouble (thinking sharing a flat and struggling to pay rent and bills), we got into debt just to move out to our own private rented flat and slowly things have being improving, I managed to pay the debts off and starting saving and we have a nice savings tbh, but it is all my merit and now I'm devastated that H is still so sleazy about money. And we can't talk about it either because it becomes a big argument, he can't have a normal conversation like a normal adult. I called the police twice on him for drunkenness and EA and there is lots of resentment between us but he won't go to counselling, told me to go alone. I would probably divorce right now but he makes such a big issue and emotional blackmail that we can't even talk about it either. I'm not from England and I don't have my own family here, I'm totally lost. Sorry if its long and messy, I'm on my phone.

sweetestB Mon 21-Jan-13 20:53:59

Well anyfucker sorry to disappoint but I can't take any action whit out conversation. And also I think the conversation should be sooner than later. I know that for everyone else outside my situation the answers are very easy and clear, but for myself everything seems a lot complicated and scary. Also I have no support. I don't even know what support I can have if any in this economic climate since I work, have an income and savings. I'm not even a victim of physical abuse and if I was (all respect to the victims out there) things would be easier, I would have much more support and accommodation. There isn't an OW for me to kick him out. I'm in London. I suppose with my savings I could rent a small flat and after paying deposit, 1st rent and bills, plus agency fees I would have nothing left. And the savings are supposed to be joint as he pay the majority of bills while I save my money. I'm a CM. If I move out I have to stop working asap, loosing clients and having no income. Also is hard to find a landlord who accepts CMs, specially in London where the competition for property is fierce. I already gave notice to clients as I want to close down my business in the summer anyway (and did this before all the recent problems came out) so I need at least to get a job too so I can start to move on. I'm even wondering now if I should close down before summer, tell clients to find another childcare asap and close as soon as I'm free.

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jan-13 21:00:50

I'm on your side

You told him you didn't want to talk tonight

Now you are talking tonight

If you want to stay together and improve things you have to stop letting him call all the shots

I also think it's a mistake to let him talk you around before you have taken legal and professional advice

That is all

OhToBeCleo Mon 21-Jan-13 22:01:29

Sorry I didn't reply last night OP. I've just scanned your posts since and I can relate to where you are.

From the time I knew I wanted out to the time I actually managed to get out was 2 very stressful years. I wanted it to work as I saw divorce as failure. We fought, he said things would change, he was demeaning and abusive, my self esteem was at the point that I didn't feel as if I deserved better (he did a real number on that), we had a couple of ok months, we fought, he said things would change (while blaming me) etc etc.

He was also in and out of work while I held everything together (job/finances/toddler/relationship). I think if I'd had any RL support I'd have been able to leave sooner. This was all 8 years ago.

I tried to keep things amicable but he chose to play the victim and it was just an excuse for him to blame me for more (this time it was 'taking his son away'). Fast forward a couple of years and things calmed down and they started to see each other fairly regularly until one day my DS just said he didn't want to see him. We thought it may last a week or two but weeks became months and as time passed he became more determined that he didn't want anything to do with his dad. That was 2 years ago. He's now approaching his teens.

I feel sad for both of them but I won't lie, our lives are a lot calmer and less stressful on one level. We manage alone (no financial support or respite from each other 100% of the time) but I wouldn't do anything differently. And even with all the stress of my ex....I wouldn't have my son without him so I have no regrets, it all happens for a reason.

Be strong and keep focussed on what's best for you and your kids.

sweetestB Mon 21-Jan-13 22:48:10

anyfucker thanks. I appreciate your help. But I told him yesterday whenever he is ready to talk he can come and talk. So he says he needs talking and I said no. So I was being inconsistent. He insisted so if he is desperately needing talking, so I want to hear. Let's not waste no more time I say.

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jan-13 23:08:22

Have you talked tonight then ?

sweetestB Wed 23-Jan-13 10:40:51

Still in the process of talking, a bit each day, both spilling out feelings and digesting.

AnyFucker Wed 23-Jan-13 20:41:47

Is he actually listening to you ?

Taking responsibility ?

Or falling into well-worn patterns of emotional abuse and blaming others ? (as per your OP, when this kind of thing has happened before)

Demonstrating respect for you by having a shower ?

What about the drugs ? Is this not a deal breaker for you ?

My worry is that he talks you around yet again, lies low for a while and then just repeats the same behaviour when you start to relax again.

sweetestB Thu 24-Jan-13 18:38:18

No, anyfucker, actually I don't think he is listening or understanding. He is still playing the game but says he is not spending money on it, I need to check the bank statement (when I 1st found a bit of money spent on the game I enquired him and he explained he got to the level he wanted and wasn't going to spend anymore, than I decided to dig all the past year statements and got to the extent of the spending, which shocked him, which is stupid anyway because he should know what he was doing).
Since the incident he bought himself two items that aren't necessary and he could easily go without.
He is still smoking cannabis and drinking beer in the evenings

Perhaps he too wants to end but don't have the balls to say it to my face or take the first step.

I'm scared, but I can't leave straight away. I need to find a job

sweetestB Thu 24-Jan-13 18:39:09

ohtobecleo thanks for sharing.

sweetestB Thu 24-Jan-13 19:03:44

Is it relevant to mention I'm his first ever serious relationship whereas I had a marriage before him and many boyfriends before my first marriage. I'm also 4 years older.
Not that this should be an excuse for anything, but I have more experience in dealing with a partner iyswim.
He was also virgin before meeting me....

So many red flags, I was properly blind.

AnyFucker Thu 24-Jan-13 19:22:46

Time to open your eyes, love

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now