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I don't like my step-daughter. Am I evil?

(102 Posts)
missmaryp Sun 20-Jan-13 11:22:17

I feel pretty horrible.

To put this in perspective - I don't particularly like some of my friends children, because we are all individuals at the end of the day - and some people grate on others.

The stepdaughter in question is 7, I've known her since she was 3, nearly 4, and my dislike for her has stayed pretty much the same throughout. I suppose it's the way she has been bought up, which is quite different to my own daughter, and she just irritates me.

I've tried, really tried, to act like a bloody adult and get over it. Just recently, I decorated and carpeted our spare room for her for when she stays over as a way of trying to give us a fresh start in my own mind. It hasn't worked. Whenever she stays over for the weekend, I can feel that I'm not my usual self, because I'm basically forced to spend time with somebody I don't want to - and who irritates my own daughter as well.

I'm well aware this is embarrassing, childish behaviour. But I don't know how to stop the way I feel.

Me and her dad aren't getting on so well at the moment either, of course I've never vocalised my feelings but he's not stupid, he can see that I chance when she's around.

Has anyone been in a similar position who can offer advice on how I can sort myself out? Or is walking away and letting him find someone who truly cares for his daughter the kind/best thing to do?

P.S I really am aware that my feelings are awful, and I would appreciate constructive advice rather than confirmation that I'm a bitch.

KitchenandJumble Tue 22-Jan-13 19:25:49

What a difficult situation. It is good that you recognise that you, as the adult, are responsible for your behaviour. I know it is fashionable to say that all feelings are valid, but I don't think that means we must sit back in helpless thrall to our negative feelings. It is entirely possible to make conscious decisions to change our responses to other people and of course to change how we behave.

I know someone who often says, "Love is a verb." And she's right. She is an adoptive mother to several children who came to live with her at older ages, from some pretty traumatic backgrounds. She didn't love those children right away, but she nevertheless behaved in a loving way toward them. Her acts of love led to feelings of love, not the other way around.

It really isn't fair to take your negative feelings about other people out on your DSD. But of course you know that. If you choose to stay in this relationship, it is imperative that you begin to connect with your DSD as a person in her own right. She isn't her mother, she isn't your daughter, she is who she is. And she has every right to have her own likes and dislikes, her own personality quirks, her own way of speaking.

Anyone who has spent a childhood with an unloving, disapproving stepparent knows how damaging and soul-destroying it can be. And I would be willing to bet anything you like that your DSD knows exactly how you feel about her. So I applaud you for admitting this problem and being open to changing your behaviour and attitude.

One other thing I would say would be to make very sure you don't set up an "us and them" dynamic, with you and your DD on one side and your DSD on the other side. Although I'm sure it is tempting to do so, it is really unfair and could damage not only your relationship with your DD but also the relationship between the stepsisters.

Ra88 Tue 22-Jan-13 21:55:41

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

HungryHippo89 Tue 22-Jan-13 22:44:09

First of all ... Ignore the tosser above. You are not a horrible person!!
I have no advice really but I wanted to know you are not alone with the feelings towards your DSD... I too feel the same towards mine. They are also the same age. However I've just started to treat her as a person as opposed to labelling it a step relationship ... Detach where possible. I could of written your post myself ... DC is rude and talks down to people, cannot eat properly with a knife and fork is unable to put toys away .. I also do not find any endearing about DC ... But it might make it better to just view her as a person instead of a step child ...

katiesdad Thu 24-Jan-13 23:08:48

I am on the receiving end of what you are talking about and it cripples me. I am a dad who was a single dad for 2 years from2005 (mum buggered off to find herself for 2 years). Met wonderful wife in 2007, who was wonderful to my 3-year old and then we got married when my daughter was 5. Since then my wife has been tricky towards my dauhgter and in the last year has become down-right horrible. my wife says she does not like my daughter. Daughter is now 8. I have 50/50 custody with daughter's mother (who came back in 2008). My wife wants me to change custody so that I am a weekend-dad every fortnight. I don't want this and I really don't think it is best for my daughter who is used to 50/50.
My wife's attitiude, behaviour, language towards my daughter is really tough and harsh.
We also have a 16-month old boy who is centre of everyones' attention.
How do I resolve this? I love my wife. I love my daughter. But, in my opinion the children always come first. Adults should adapt.
Any advice /strategy gratefully received.

KatiesDad that sounds like a really difficult situation and it's interesting to hear it from a father's perspective. It would be worth starting your own thread for advice.

Mynabrid Wed 16-Oct-13 23:29:38

Hi, I just came across this and I know it was some time ago but I felt the need to post. You are not an evil person. Step parenting is extremely difficult for so many reasons. Ignore the sanctimonious idiots who want to make you feel bad, who probably have no idea what having to try to care for someone's else's child, in the face of a great deal of abuse/stress and acrimony from an ex wife/partner, is like. I am in a similar situation. There is nothing wrong with my stepdaughter but after six years of crap from her mother and having our lives ruled by this situation, on every level, through the birth of our two young sons, I hate her. I am not ashamed to say so as her existence has ruined so many memories and experiences for me, which should have been happy. I have been told several times that I should be the grown up, etc... Etc... But this is so hard to do when, in the face of everyday difficulties that life throws at you, you have to try to deal with constant additional pressure from an external situation that, most likely, when you entered the relationship, you thought would calm down over time but never did. Be gentle with yourself and get some counselling. I've just started some and I think it will be helpful. It is so hard being positive about the presence of a child in your life that you have little emotional attachment to, or investment in, who is going to be fiercely loyal to someone who makes your life regularly miserable, who is rude, vindictive and abusive to you. When this child takes away a huge amount of attention from you/your children and whose presence dictates so much of your life/time, not just practically but emotionally too, it is so hard to have a positive attitude towards them. Yes, she is a child and requires love/attention/positive relationship with her father, but when that takes so much away from you/ your children, it's so hard to be positive and care about them and to resist blaming your husband for the stress caused. He has an emotional investment and has to take the crap, but you don't and the resentment just builds. There are so many of us out there battling with these complex feelings. You are not alone or a bad person. I hope things have got better for you!

Mynabrid Wed 16-Oct-13 23:48:03

Hi, katiesdad not sure if you are still here but thought I'd put in my view, just in case! It sounds like a horrible situation for you. I, like your wife was very positive and supportive of my husbands situation in the first few years but over time have struggled. Mainly because the pregnancy of my first son was spent with us being dragged through court to reduce contact and now she thinks we are her personal childminders so tries to dump their daughter on us when it suits her, regardless of what plans we might have. I thought I might feel differently when I had my own children but in fact, it has increased my resentment as now I feel wholly committed to my own children and resent anything that affects the kind of parent I can be to them due to the additional stress caused by the presence of a child that I have little emotional attachment to. Even small things like bickering over contact arrangements makes my blood boil. I am sick of how much time and energy I expend not being able to focus on my own children because of it. I don't know if your situation is similar, but it is so wearing for me. At the same time I feel awful for my husband who is stuck in the middle but has to take a the crap from his ex and accepts it as he has an emotional investment in it. Although I would hate for his ex to break up our marriage (which is what she wants) I have considered leaving him because I just any take any more stress. We are about to start couples counselling and I think this would be useful in trying to help you and your wife appreciate how the other feels... Just a suggestion

Jan45 Thu 17-Oct-13 10:19:50

Do you know what, if that's how you feel then it's going to be very hard to change those feelings, and you're right, some folk will just grate on us, whoever they are. You're not a bad person, you're human and you also have the comparison with your daughter and how you've brought her up.

Tbh, I would be as pleasant as you can possible muster towards her, which I guess you probably already are, other than that, this girl has two parents so you don't need to do anything you don't want to, ie, looking after her etc or taking on parental duties.

As she grows, the dislike you feel may subside, but be prepared, it may not. My sister had her partner's son move in with them and she couldn't stand it, not because she disliked him or he was badly behaved, just simply because she didn't want him there, doesn't make her bad or evil, just honest.

You will have to make compromises in a step family no doubt about it but you don't have to pretend anything, be nice to her, bite your tongue.

I know it sounds simple but with regards to her rearing, honestly, I would stay as uninvolved as possible.

GatoradeMeBitch Thu 17-Oct-13 18:23:13

You sound like you don't particularly like your partner or his child. So yes, leave. You only get one life and it sounds as if you are all miserable with this set up.

itsmeisntit Thu 17-Oct-13 18:46:06

Zombie thread alert

GatoradeMeBitch Thu 17-Oct-13 18:56:53

Oops, didn't notice!

SwishYouToASwazzle Thu 17-Oct-13 19:20:04

Your DSD- does she pick up on your feelings towards her? The last thing you want, is this little girl to grow up with feelings of insecurity and inferiority. Would you want your own DD to feel this way? I often find it difficult with my Dnieces and Dnephews because they are raised differently to my own DC (different culture and language) and it can be very tough, but I try to treat them the same as my own DC. My view is that they have the same love and discipline that I give to my own, and they have to learn this is what Aunty does. I always thought the eldest nephew didn't like me very much, but he's just got his first phone (12 yo) and he messages me daily to ask how I am! All I'm saying is that you need to put your DSD first.

Retroformica Thu 17-Oct-13 19:27:45

I think you need to sit down and make a bloody huge long list of things you do like about her. And then tell her! Doing this helped me learn to love my SD.. You need to be objective and think of her as she is and not in terms of ex relationships. You need counselling if you can't move forward.

Maybe you need to spend some 1 to 1 time building a bond? Do something special together. Find a link.

Rachelw123 Mon 19-Jan-15 14:52:38

Could some mums please give me some advice please. I am normally an hard faced and strong person dealing with matters, but this is just upsetting me deep down and its eating me away.

Me and my partner have been together 15 months and planning on getting our own home together. I have no children but he has two daughters 4 & 7, i really try my best with them and i always go out of my way for them, but they don�t appreciate anything i do like, i buy them sweets, we take them for meals, take them to the pictures and we take them ice skating (Sometimes i bring the idea up and i pay) ,even though they are not my children), i never get no thank you!, they are horrible towards me (the youngest talks to me like Sh*T) and funny with me for no reason at all even though I�m always nice to them, my partner doesn�t do anything or discipline them (not hit them i don�t mean) just leaves them to walk all over me. i am absolutely fed up of it. I love my partner and he wants children with me once i have succeeded with career (next year) but I�m fed of being stuck in this vicious circle, imagine if i had children with him two it'd be so much worse, but i do care about them but I�m just sick to death of how they are towards me. Also they make lies up to make us fall out then we argue constantly and i get upset and he does nothing!, and they have stated that they want there mummy and daddy back together. do i just walk away or do i put up with this because i really cant cope with this situation anymore.

Please could some mums or partners (that have been in the same situation) give me some advice without disrespecting me my message.

Thank you
Rachel

Rachelw123 Mon 19-Jan-15 14:55:04

Could some mums please give me some advice please. I am normally an hard faced and strong person dealing with matters, but this is just upsetting me deep down and its eating me away.

Me and my partner have been together 15 months and planning on getting our own home together. I have no children but he has two daughters 4 (nearly 5) & 7, i really try my best with them and i always go out of my way for them, but they don�t appreciate anything i do like, i buy them sweets, we take them for meals, take them to the pictures and we take them ice skating (Sometimes i bring the idea up and i pay) ,even though they are not my children), i never get no thank you!, they are horrible towards me (the youngest talks to me like Sh*T) and funny with me for no reason at all even though I�m always nice to them, my partner doesn�t do anything or discipline them (not hit them i don�t mean) just leaves them to walk all over me. i am absolutely fed up of it. I love my partner and he wants children with me once i have succeeded with career (next year) but I�m fed of being stuck in this vicious circle, imagine if i had children with him two it'd be so much worse, but i do care about them but I�m just sick to death of how they are towards me. Also they make lies up to make us fall out then we argue constantly and i get upset and he does nothing!, and they have stated that they want there mummy and daddy back together. do i just walk away or do i put up with this because i really cant cope with this situation anymore.

Please could some mums or partners (that have been in the same situation) give me some advice without disrespecting me my message.

Thank you
Rachel

Jan45 Mon 19-Jan-15 15:45:43

Yes you just walk away, he will never consider your feelings, he's showing you that, you are fed up because you feel used, you are.

15 months is a short period of time, get out, it will get worse.

bettyboop1970 Mon 19-Jan-15 16:32:00

Second that Jan. If you have a relationship with someone who has DC's they are part of the package.
I know people who have had to take on DSC full time. This is real prospect for all step parents.
If you cannot do that you need to find a childless partner.

bettyboop1970 Mon 19-Jan-15 16:33:39

If you think you don't like them now, just wait till they are teenagers!

GoatsDoRoam Mon 19-Jan-15 16:35:13

Rachel

I recommend you start a new thread of your own, as some people are replying to the OP from 2013, and not to your new question.

Just copy paste your post, and start a whole new thread with it.

You'll get advice that's aimed for you only.

overthemoonandstars Wed 25-Mar-15 10:46:11

Hi missmaryp... I know it's over 2 years on, but I was just wondering if you managed to get to a point where you were feeling more positively toward your step daughter? Going through the same thing x

mojitoplease Wed 25-Mar-15 11:09:43

I don't think you're a horrible person, but I won't lie and say that it's not hard to read and understand how somebody has taken a dislike to a child from the age of 3. We're all different and complex creatures though, so I don't want to judge. I think we'd all agree (I hope) that the most important people in this are the children. As many have already said, she has more than likely picked up on your dislike and I really do think you could be doing her damage. Well I'm certain. So yes, leave. Things don't sound great between you and your dp anyway. Sounds like the best thing for everyone. I really do hope your stepdaughter comes out of this ok.

queensansastark Wed 25-Mar-15 12:17:14

Sorry, I have to disagree and say that OP is an evil person for disliking a child for being herself. Poor child, I cannot imagine the emotional damage you are causing by choosing not to change your attitude. I know many posters have said that as humans you dislike others, just because, no further explanations....end of...sorry I don't accept that argument. Maybe it is because I am not like that and I don't understand it why or how other people can be iyswim. I've even looked into the psychology of hate and scapegoating and personal disorders to try to understand why, WHY, why...Your DSD as a child, won't just know that you dislike her, she just won't even understand what is happening and might even be blaming herself.

As I read through this. I'm reminded of my evil MIL whom I've tried so hard for over 11 years to build a relationship with....all that time, I have been wrecking my brains about what I have done to make her have this attitude, scenarios going round and round in my head, what can I do to make our relationship better...there were blips when she was nice (superficially) but she would always revert back to form...But the last straw was last August she came to visit us overseas, we tried to be happy families and went on (and paid for) a holiday in Sabah, we welcomed her into our home, cooked for her etc. and then found that she wrote a vile and nasty email to her daughter bitching about me, that I dressed like a tramp and that I dressed dd like a tramp and my ridiculous parenting. Now, I've decided to go NC and she is not welcomed in my/our house, and she will not see much of her granddaughter not because I don't allow it, but because I will not make any effort to enable it unless she apologises, and I just don't see that happening even if I believe that she knows she is in the wrong (like the OP). Vile woman.

venusandmars Wed 25-Mar-15 13:03:47

Zombie thread

queensansastark Wed 25-Mar-15 13:07:33

I know...but it was an interesting read and I feel better for getting it off my chest...

MNpostingbot Wed 25-Mar-15 14:59:14

You are the adult, she is 7. The responsibilty is yours.

I've seen my own stepmother behave like this to me and my own mother behave like this to my stepsiblings and 15 years later ive seen them regret it.

You also run the risk of this affecting your own children. My stepmother created a scenario in her head that my brother and I were the strange ones and that her son was normal (eg the fact that on holidays we made friends with children our age and played with them rather than stay in a family group shunning everyone was "rude" and "strange")

She refused to ever question her own sons behaviour. He's now almost 40, still living with her and is finally getting some treatment for some of the MH issues she ignored for years in her own family.

I'm not saying for one second this will happen to you or is happening. Just trying to illustrate that we can't help but view our own children in a different way and the arrival of stepchildren can exaggerate that even more. My stepmum would have said exactly what you are saying about me at 10-11 and now she admits she was very wrong.

sometimes we are wrong and "it's not them, it's you"

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