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Am I crazy or is internet dating making me??

(33 Posts)
GemsAngels Sat 19-Jan-13 22:09:41

Oh jeeeze!! Im emotionally exhausted. What do these guys want? I have no clue anymore, I feel Im going crazy questioning what Im doing wrong sad

Walkacrossthesand Sat 19-Jan-13 22:20:54

I've dabbled in internet dating and not got very far - a couple of dates with guys who were nice enough but much older and/or shorter than their profile said and I didn't fancy them at all; one or two conversations with guys who simply disappeared; and lots of 'no response at all'. Overall I suspect that the online dating world attracts many more guys who aren't really looking for a relationship in the sense that you & I are, so there's a very special mindset that needs to be applied. There's a whole thread about it (the dating thread) which is a good place to share experiences. What's happened for you?

GemsAngels Sat 19-Jan-13 22:35:35

Are you still dating?
Thanks I will have a little look smile
I have met guys that say they want one thing and actually want another, guys who are nothing like their profile and so many want to come to my house for me to cook. What happened to being wined and dined?
I have got no further than a second date. I meet and Im judged straight away, and some of these guys are not exactly Brad Pitt, but again and again Im rejected. Im told I have to give it time but Im mentally exhausted sad

HollaAtMeBaby Sat 19-Jan-13 22:46:40

I think you are focusing too much on whether the guys like you and not enough on whether you like them/there is a mutual spark.

Does your profile say you like cooking? If so, maybe take that bit out.

GemsAngels Sat 19-Jan-13 22:51:05

Haha no it doesnt smile
Yeah my friend says exactly the same, but its every single guy.

ike1 Sat 19-Jan-13 22:58:07

I remember your first thread when you began....you are od in my area...its slim pickings...did you try your luck over the bridge in Bristol area?

VelvetSpoon Sat 19-Jan-13 23:02:55

Internet dating is exhausting, and more than a little demoralising.

I went into it thinking (naively) I'd be snapped up - intelligent, attractive, good job, own house, secondary school age children (but still young enough to have more - just about). And I've had no luck at all. Met loads of blokes I liked enough to see again, but it took me YEARS to get a second date.

What I have realised is that lots of men on sites are not what they seem. A lot are married/in relationships, so only looking for one-off encounters, and even the single ones, most are not actually seeking a relationship. And the ones who are actually nice often have major issues which mean that, whilst they might want a relationship, they are not in the right place mentally or emotionally to enter into one!!

Yes, come over to the dating thread, lots of empathy there smile

GemsAngels Sat 19-Jan-13 23:08:38

Havnt met anyone over the bridge as yet but thats only cos I havnt had the opportunity.
Oh really Im sorry to hear you have had no luck too. Yeah you kinda think, I have so much to offer this should be a pretty good experience but it has been so emotionally draining. I gave up but thought Id try again with a different approach, still no luck sad
Ok will have a look smile

Flojobunny Sat 19-Jan-13 23:09:07

velvet your post rings true with me too.
I found it all too much. I couldn't handle the rejection and got to the point where a simple message of "thanks for your message but you're not for me" left me thinking why the hell not you fat bald old little weasel! The bar kept getting lowered and lowered to try to get that second date and in the end I thought why am I settling for this crap and deleted my profile. I'm happier without the emotional drain and feeling of dejection.

GemsAngels Sat 19-Jan-13 23:12:46

Oh Flojobunny, this actually made me laugh out loud lots smile this could be me posting, Iv done exactly the same. So you have given up?

Walkacrossthesand Sat 19-Jan-13 23:13:40

I'm with you flojo - the overall effect of the OD scene on me is demoralisation. I well remember the first site I joined, the lovely pics and profiles, the excitement as I sent messages, the disappointment when I got no replies and no messages....That was at least a year ago, and I've seen the same guys (same profile pics!) still looking on different websites, and I think - serves you right! If you don't respond to messages from women who like the look of you, how are you going to get anywhere?!

Walkacrossthesand Sat 19-Jan-13 23:18:13

Gemsangels, I would say I've given up for now ('on the sofa' in dating thread speak grin) - I'm older (early 50s) and I gather from the dating thread that the main 'traffic' is in younger age groups. I tried 'older dating', got more responses there but they were much older (!) and no common ground. I might try a professionals' site at some point - but that's where I saw the profiles of the guys who ignored me on the first site, and there don't seem to be many in my area, so I'm not inclined to bother. Maybe RL will bring someone nice my way...

GemsAngels Sat 19-Jan-13 23:21:56

Aw for sure Walkacrossthesand. I try to believe there is someone for everyone, its just sometimes we feel like we are on a emotional rollercoaster trying to find them. Dont give up smile

Flojobunny Sat 19-Jan-13 23:23:33

Yes I've given up on dating. It was supposed to be fun. Something that made me feel good. An add-on to my life. Instead it made me feel low and rejected so I stopped.
I figured some one in RL might come along when I least expect rather than when actively looking.

VelvetSpoon Sat 19-Jan-13 23:28:09

What I found with OD was that of say 20 messages I might get that were from blokes I thought had some potential (probably about 20% of messages received at best), and reply to, 5 simply wouldn't reply to my reply, or disappear after another couple of messages.

Then of the remaining 15, another 5 would probably message backwards and forwards without suggesting a date, eventually I'd ask if they were interested in meeting and never get a reply.

Of the 10 that were left, all would suggest a date, half would vanish before one was arranged.

That might then be 5 possible dates. Of which 3 would basically indicate they were only after sex and either I'd cancel or - if I said that wasnt what I wanted - they'd just disappear. Leaving 2, 1 of those would probably cancel the day beforehand.

Best case, I'd end up with one date.

Date,would go well, he'd say he wanted a second date, we'd say goodnight etc, and I'd never hear from him again....

And as for sending messages myself, similar experience to everyone else, never got anywhere, either no reply at all OR nothing that resulted even in an offer of a date!

ike1 Sat 19-Jan-13 23:31:59

I suggest over the bridge because Bristol is a larger city and to be frank the talent is tastier. Good luck.x

GemsAngels Sat 19-Jan-13 23:33:42

Aw sorry to hear you have had a bad experience too sad

Haha thanks ike1, I will have to visit Bristol smile

hilbobaggins Sat 19-Jan-13 23:39:15

I've done several rounds of internet dating; this last time around i was 42, convinced I'd never meet anyone and absolutely sure that I'd be a complete turnoff to anyone who seriously wanted kids.

Rather to my amazement 3 years later I'm now living with a nice man and mum to our DS born 5 months ago. We met on match.com.

That said I agree with you - it IS exhausting and can be demoralising. I'm sure you're not doing anything wrong. My attitude to internet dating was shaped by years of living and dating in New York: I saw lots of people and tried not to take individual dates too seriously. I was getting into mindfulness stuff at the time and tried to see it as part of my practice to not take stuff too personally (like those throwaway rejections) which was a huge challenge as I take everything seriously and/or personally! I also took breaks regularly - you WILL go crazy if you keep plugging away remorselessly. It is just another way of possibly meeting someone decent, that's all, it's not your life, it's not serious, and if you've had enough for right now then you can always take a break.

Not sure if any of that helps, I know how hard it can be!

GemsAngels Sat 19-Jan-13 23:44:15

Aw thankyou hilbobaggins, its helped smile
So pleased it worked for you smile
You do kida get to the point where you think, Im never gonna find anyone and you run out of reasons for them not being intereste. Im so much better and dont blame myself as much, just question what it is they want.

VelvetSpoon Sat 19-Jan-13 23:55:04

Hilbo, blimey, that almost gives me hope!

I've got to the stage where I think I'm bloody great BUT at the same time I never expect to meet any man who will actually appreciate me or want to date me...

hilbobaggins Sun 20-Jan-13 00:23:49

Gems and velvet, all I can say is that I was exactly where you were and then some. I thought I was a pretty cool person but also had to deal with all the additional attractive loveliness of "oh god I want babies and I've left it too late and im old and my best years are behind me so who will want me". That panic you're not supposed to show must have been oozing out of me and despite that I STILL met someone decent.

It can work out. I'd go so far as to say it WILL work out.

Wish i had something wise to add. Just let those stupid doubts and fears just play around in your mind (cos they're going to anyway and you really can't fight them, they'll just keep getting bigger if you do), AND then keep gently plodding on with your life as calmly as possible, doing a bit of Internet dating here and there if the time seems right. That's really all you ever need to do.

GemsAngels Sun 20-Jan-13 00:30:48

Thanks hilbobaggins smile its lovely to hear a happy ever after story smile
Although so close, I wont give up hope smile

VelvetSpoon Sun 20-Jan-13 00:39:54

Hilbo, it is really lovely to hear. So pleased for you it all worked out smile I am 40, and although I have DC, I've got several friends my age who don't, are single, and convinced they have missed the boat. I think your story proves they shouldn't give up!

I'm going for the what will be will be approach. There's one possibility sort of in the background for me, but I suspect he may have too many issues, so I think I just will plod along as you suggest and see if anything comes of it, or whatever else happens in the meantime smile

Gems, don't lose hope - if I'm not, you can't either!

flamingnorah Sun 20-Jan-13 00:44:43

Think you need to take internet dating with a massive vat of salt !!
I was on pof and i know it's the worst but hey ,i had a good profile good pictures and got lots of replies .
The thing is i wouldn't have dated any at all !! i had 3 categories the ones i didn't fancy , the fakes who wanted rude chat and pics etc , and the ones who just wanted sex .
I joined match , paid for a week and the only guy that was nice looking said he wanted sex , i asked why he would pay to shag women and he replied better quality of women haha really ? obviously not better men !!
There are success stories but i think you just have to not take it too seriously and wade through the crap which there is lots of !!

GemsAngels Sun 20-Jan-13 14:36:00

Thanks for all the messages, Im gonna give it up for now smile
Its not really making me feel good and I feel like Iv worked hard to get to where I am now since my exH leaving. Meeting someone would be the iceing on the cake but Im not gonna be made to feel this way so hoping my Mr Right is just around the corner smile

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