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would we be better off alone?

(28 Posts)
city1984 Sat 19-Jan-13 20:55:08

I have a 3 month old dd and 2 older dc. The first 2 were planned and the third an accident. Since dd was born dh has changed. He has become even less hands on than before. Today he popped to the supermarket to buy pretty much things he likes only. He than spent 5 hours playing computer games whilst I looked after dc and did laundry etc. He than threw a tantrum because dd lost the tv remote and started ranting about the place being a tip. I gently pointed out that I am struggling to get things done. His response was that I should be able to do it during the week when oldest at school. Pointed out that doing day to day stuff and looking after baby keeps me busy. Response was the usual "we would be better off without baby dd"
Later on I also heard hime shouing at baby to shut up when she was crying.
We would be better off without him wouldn't we?
He does work long hours duuring the week (maybe 13 hours with travel) but really that isn't enough. Especially as dd is still waking twice at night.
Thank you.

Velcro, your advice was also dangerous. This man says awful things about his own child. Disrespects the OP and acts like a selfish prick. It will escalate.

It is ofcourse the OPs call, but to tell a woman it would be harder without her idiot husband is nonsense. It might be difficult in the short term. But no woman should be encouraged to stay in a relationship for fear of things being a bit difficult. If the relationship has gone bad it is always better to end it.

Velcropoodle Sun 20-Jan-13 23:39:20

wannabedomesticgoddess , I don't think my advice is shit although I respect your different view.
My point is that there may well be mitigating factors which could be addressed before this family reaches the point of breaking up. If they can't then city knows she has other options. Her call.

PartTimeModel Sun 20-Jan-13 22:07:48

I wouldn't want to live with anyone who spoke about my baby like that - what a fucking arse.

If you do live without him a huge ball of negative energy will be gone - don't underestimate how good that can feel.

Jux Sun 20-Jan-13 20:19:59

Well, you wouldn't be doing his laundry, or picking up after him, or wondering if he's going to do anything today other than play his games. You'll get spousal maintenance and money from the CSA.

Get advice. Think hard. Then act.

ImperialBlether Sun 20-Jan-13 14:44:16

I'd say you deserve another present: a divorce. I'd grant one of them to anyone who told me life would be better off without our child.

city1984 Sun 20-Jan-13 13:12:12

Yes i have posted before and yes baby was my present!

I was thinking the same as Imperial. That sounds familiar.

It would not be harder without him, that is shit advice. You are already doing everything, the only chamge would be in your income, but thats what benefits are there for. Yes it would be a stretch, but dont live like this for the sake of money. You deserve better.

RedRosy Sun 20-Jan-13 12:45:40

Hi city, sounds very stressful. My 3rd was unplanned and revealed the cracks in my relationship with my exH. But there was problems before we had no 3. Maybe you should see a relationship counsellor. Don't rush into anything, but take a step back, gather support from family and friends if you can. Don't let it grind you down, which it will if you don't take stock now. I hope things work out for you.

ImperialBlether Sun 20-Jan-13 12:43:27

Did you post about this man before? I remember hearing about a man buying himself and the children expensive presents and left you out. Didn't he tell you the baby was your present?

ZZZenAgain Sun 20-Jan-13 12:38:50

if he doesn't come round to accepting the baby, it will be very difficult to make this work

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 20-Jan-13 07:48:36

He sounds like a bully.

city1984 Sun 20-Jan-13 00:29:03

Just his attitude really. I happened to say that we haven't really allowed for the loss of this quite sizeable amount. His attitude was well I (meaning him) don't see it so it doesn't count. Totally forgetting that without it I have to get cash from joint account and use joint account funds to pay my storecard and of course I can no longer top up joint account when short.

badinage Sat 19-Jan-13 23:08:38

Alarm bells about what?

city1984 Sat 19-Jan-13 23:01:18

I had always expected to carry on claiming child benefit. I certainly didn't want to make it easy for government but he had a strop as he didn't want to complete a tax return. Cue more alarm bells in my head.

badinage Sat 19-Jan-13 22:41:47

I'd never recommend staying with a bloke who doesn't respect you and who leaves things lying around for you to pick up. Your life might actually be easier on your own and you wouldn't be treading on eggshells every time you went to soothe the baby.

I think 3 things could be happening here.

Either he's always been an angry, shouty manchild but a new baby has made him 10 times worse. Or

He's got worse recently because he wanted out of the marriage before you conceived baby no. 3 and he resents her and feels trapped. Could be lots of reasons for that but I did wonder whether the long hours and disrespectful behaviour coincided with an affair starting. Or

This a (rather extreme) manifestation of extreme tiredness and niggling between you which are understandable sometimes when you have small children.

If his behaviour is as horrible as you've said though, I'm less inclined to think it's No. 3.

Searchingformysexlife Sat 19-Jan-13 22:37:26

You should still claim CB as the primary carer - then he can pay it back via his tax return.

And yes it does sound like you would be better off without him.

city1984 Sat 19-Jan-13 22:32:33

I guess i just resent his free time. If we do not go out as a family he will spend hours on the playstation or he will be at football. I think he thinks i am having a complete jolly during the week attending groups and coffee mornings or going shopping spending his money. Yes i do try and go out probaly 3 out of 5 days even just for an hour but i need that for my sanity.

Velcropoodle Sat 19-Jan-13 21:56:31

city you have a tiny baby and two others, a DH who is working very hard and not surprisingly you are both knackered, looking to each other for support but not getting it. Firstly, do not do anything you would regret. It would be much harder without him.
You need some help to spend some time together and remember why you got together in the first place.
Ok so the baby was an accident but you both have responsibility for that! And now she is here so it is irrelevant!
I suggest you call in your reserves: do either of you have family that can help? Have you seen your GP or Health visitor in case you are depressed? Do you need some sessions with a Relate counsellor?
How organised are you-can you get a routine that will make you feel more on top of things and make it less stressful for DH to come home?
Prioritise what you need to do and make every day a military operation.
It will get easier-you know that. Now is not the time to split up.

city1984 Sat 19-Jan-13 21:47:11

Thank you for your replies.

city1984 Sat 19-Jan-13 21:46:25

I am a sahm. Don't even get child benefit anymore.

city1984 Sat 19-Jan-13 21:44:52

It has been a gradual process. He has always been abit of achild i suppose. However, things have got worse recenly. Has been doing long hours for last 2 years . He does probably wake some of the time when the baby wakes but i try to be as quiet as possible. I think that is just it this littlewine. I am really resenting picking up after him and doing his laundry. If i was respected I wouldn't mind but I clearly am not. He rarely consults me on big purchases and treats his salary as his. Now don't get me wrong i have full access to it but he makes me feel as if its his money and he can do what he likes with it. For example went out and spent £200 on him and other dc whilst i was recovering from my csection. Didn't even get me a box of chocolates!

thislittlewineofmine Sat 19-Jan-13 21:14:42

Sounds like you would be better off alone. I've been going through a similar thing with my dh and two weeks ago things came to a head and I asked him to leave. I feel much better.

I'm still doing all the housework etc on my own but I'm not cleaning up after him all the time and putting up with his mood swings. I had been thinking about doing it for quite some time and I feel calmer and a lot less stressed now I have made a decision.

Is your dh usually like this? If not maybe you can let him know how you feel and try to turn things around. Good luck, I hope things work out for you.

badinage Sat 19-Jan-13 21:06:01

Was this a fairly sudden change or have things got a lot worse in recent times?

Has he always worked such long hours?

AllThreeWays Sat 19-Jan-13 21:01:45

What are the positives in your relationship?

ZZZenAgain Sat 19-Jan-13 20:59:23

sounds tough. If your baby is waking up twice a night and he is waking up as a result then doing a 13 hour day, he is probably knackered and I am sure you are too and that probably has a fair bit to do with it. You know from experience it will get a bit easier when your dd sleeps through but right now it sounds grim.

Any idea what you can do about it? Breaking up would be hard too, you'd have to shoulder the entire burden plus all the upheaval and upset. Maybe there is a way to improve things. Hope you get some good advice.

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