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I can't believe I've let this happen again I'm such an idiot.

(116 Posts)
sparklyjumper Sat 19-Jan-13 11:52:58

this was my original thread two weeks ago with the background info. But to sum it up I was in an on/off relationship for a few years. He was always breaking up over stupid reasons then getting back together. He broke my trust/let me down and treated me badly lots of times. Kept me hanging on for a commitment making promises. Broke up with me again just after new year.

I decided enough was enough and I was gong to cut contact which I did. He kept on texting and ringing, then when he couldn't get through to my mobile he started emailing and then on my work phone. I've completely ignored him for two weeks but he's kept on and on. He misses me, he's sorry, he's lonely, can't be without me. When that didn't work he started saying he had some bad news to tell me and I wouldn't be happy. Then it was he wanted to see ds (not his son but been there since baby), I won't break him and ds up, ds is as much his as mine. When that didn't work he started saying he was going to just come over.

I've lived with the blinds and curtains shut for the last two weeks, I'm not scared of him but he's likely to just drive over and felt spied on. When the door knocked I jumped out of my skin thinking he'd turned up. Obviously all the time I'm having to be strong as I still love him and miss him.

On Thursday it was starting to wear me down, then yesterday morning he was texting me as soon as I woke up asking if ds was off school, asked if he could come over and take us sledging. Kept saying he was sorry for being horrible and he wanted to sort things out for good. I cracked and said ok he could come over just to talk and take ds sledging. Turns out he wasn't even off work so he'd lied. Then he begged me to let him come over that night. I said ok and then he said the snow was too bad to get over and he couldn't get off his drive. This would have made sense had he not been to work plus the fact he got a 4x4 for this very reason. So I told him to just forget it, then he begged me to let him come over in the morning (today), said I was being childish and I'd never split him and ds up.

We ended up talking and he was saying how he's been so unhappy and fed up without me, he'll never leave me alone as he can't bear to be without me, how I'm gorgeous and funny and he'll never find anyone like me nor does he want to, how he knows he needs to sort himself out. He then said he never wanted to break up but I need to let him breathe and do his own thing. He said he wants all the things I want a stable relationship but he needs to be able to do his own thing. The way I feel about that is that we have lots of space to breathe and do our own thing. We were only together half the week if that as we live apart, we spent a week apart every 5 weeks when he was on call, he worked away often, I was rarely included in anyn of his family stuff, he only has the one friend but I've met him only once in 4 years and ex would go out every 2-3 weeks with him. I spent over a year not seeing him in the day at all on weekends while he did a load of work on his house, he goes skiing each year. He doesn't have any hobbies but if he did I would certainly never stand in his way. I just don't think I'm this clingy controlling person he makes me out to be, and if I ever have been a little it's probably because he broke my trust so many times. I just don't see what he's seeing, I loved spending time together but I like my space too I liked having a few nights a week to enjoy my own company.

Fast forward to this morning, he's asked can he come over to do the sledging, I said ok and then he changes his mind. Says I was right when I said if he loved me he'd leave me alone, I was right to ignore him, he's scared to come over as he'll be shouted at, he's feeling sorry for himself. Then says I must think he's happy but he's sad, all alone and scared. And asked me what would coming over achieve? I just don't know what's going on in his head I really don't.

If anyones still with me I know you're probably thinking what did I even see in him, but he can be such a nice guy. When we were actually in eachothers company we got on, liked the same things, both quiet, homely types. He was nice to me always complimenting me, he'd bring me a coffee in bed, he was close to my ds, I've even been away for the weekend and left him in charge with no worries. But he's also done some really horrible shit things which he almost didn't like to acknowledge he'd done, just expected me to shut up and move on.

Don't really even know what I'm looking for here just wish I understood what's going on in his head.

sparklyjumper Sun 20-Jan-13 12:15:16

Oh gosh I don't know, perhaps I'm not taking it seriously enough. I'm kind of thinking it's only a few texts/emails/calls, he obviously doesn't really even want to see me so he'll drop it soon?

I had a look into the freedom programme last week when someone else suggested it, this was what I found, guessing this is the right thing? It looked as though you have to pay for it? Also I watched a sample video and it seemed to be all about husbands or live in partners who were financially controlling, verbally/physically abusive it didn't seem relevant for me?

dequoisagitil Sun 20-Jan-13 13:47:11

But this guy is, imo, an emotional abuser (and stalker).

Also, besides this guy, you have had a previous abusive relationship, so it might help if you did some resetting of your boundaries and expectations of relationships in general.

You've put up with a whole heap of crap from this man that you don't even dare list for us, you see.

Improving your social circle is a good step, but I really do think you need to shore up your boundaries significantly. So you do not slide back into thinking it's just a few emails etc or looking back with rose-tinted glasses, which you admit you have a tendency to do.

That's why I suggested you write down for yourself all the incidents so it's there in black and white to shock you. It's also why I think doing something like the Freedom Programme or counselling would be a good move. I don't think know whether the course is free or not, it may have concessions if it isn't, it wouldn't hurt to find out more about it, surely? And wouldn't breaking free of this cycle be a worthwhile investment in yourself (and for your dc)?

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sun 20-Jan-13 13:55:47

Keep working on your social life!

his behaviour is what has made you cut friends. I remember doing exactly the same thing. I remember thinking that my friends were all becoming hard work and that we were all growing apart.

It was only after I ditched the husband did I realise that his little comments and moods were what made the friendships hard work. they thrived after he went and I still hold dear to them today.

ladyWordy Sun 20-Jan-13 14:14:41

Sparkly, he does control, manipulate and lie compulsively: and you jumped out of your skin when someone knocked on the door, felt spied on, etc. So although you say you aren't scared, you aren't calmly going about your business either.

He isn't a common or garden abuser, trapping you at home and berating you. No: he is abusing your mind, your time, your health and your love. He's lying to you for kicks, manipulating you to pass the time, and apparently drifting through his own life, not caring who he upsets.

Do you think this rings any bells:

"social predators who charm, manipulate and ruthlessly plow their way through life, leaving a broad trail of broken hearts, shattered expectations and empty wallets. Completely lacking in conscience and feelings for others, they selfishly take what they want and do as they please, violating social norms and expectations without the slightest sense of guilt or regret."

It's a description of a psychopath. It's the word that pops up when I read your posts. sad

Jux Sun 20-Jan-13 14:35:37

I had a friend with a wonderful bf. when they got married she found that every time she went out without him - particularly up to London (20 min train journey) - he would be almost hysterical with worry when she got home. She had lived and worked in the centre of town for years, knew how to keep safe. Inmthe end though,mhis worry for her safety in London led to her no longer going there, gave up her well-paid-with-fantastic-prospects job too, so she could take a job as a lowly paid secretary in the suburbs where her h didn't worry about her. Stopped seeing her friends because we all lived and worked in central London etc.

At not time was she 'stopped' from doing any of it. He just became so 'worried' about her that she didn't feel it was worth it.

Your ex is used the same tactics with you. Made life so uncomfortable for you that you stopped seeing people.

Abuse abuse abuse.

He is your ex. You want him to stay that way. Really you do.

And yes, he is that bad.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Sun 20-Jan-13 14:52:19

If not the freedom programme, you need some other form of therapy or counselling. Because at some point you became convinced that you are nothing without a man in your life, that any kind of man is better than no man at all, and that it's worth putting up with all kinds of shit in order to Keep Your Man. This is all nonsense and you need to get rid of these ideas, otherwise you will go from one dickhead to another. Women who have had one abusive partner often go on to another abuser, but a different type of abuser (eg first one was violent or sexually coercive, so the next one will be controlling or financially abusive, and the one after that persistently unfaithful or unreliable...) Abusive men have a radar for women who are needy and desperate and vulnerable. Your boundaries are badly damaged and you need to rebuild them. The first thing to do is send this wanker an email as follows.

[NAME}
The relationship is over. Do not contact me or attempt to contact me again. Any further attempts at contact will be reported to the police and legal action may be taken against you.

If you have any possessions of his, add the following - your [whatever] will be posted to you/available for collection outside my front door [suggest date/time].

sparklyjumper Mon 21-Jan-13 10:38:49

I don't consciously think 'I'm nothing without a man', I mean if I was looking at someone else in my situation I'd have been screaming at them to leave a long time ago. I don't think there's anything wrong with being single, although I do realise there must be things going on subconsciously to allow all of this to have gone on when I didn't need to. I'm quite angry with myself today, I wish and I know I should have ended it a long, long time ago. I don't know I think perhaps I've also used this sham of a relationship as a smokescreen so that I didn't have to face up to all that happened with my previous ex.

Being totally honest with myself here, there are certain places I would avoid going in case I bumped into my previous ex which unfortunately include my town centre, but felt safe doing so with him. In some ways I may have been hiding behind the relationship and that's why I've been so desperate to 'make it work'. I'm also scared of him meeting someone else, I'm pretty sure he'll soon just pick up with the next mug who will have him and take great pleasure finding a way to rub my nose in it.

I'm still going through stages of feeling really free and relieved one minute, but then sad and angry the next.

I haven't heard anything since so hoping he's give up, although dm reckons he won't have, she thinks he's trying to get me to agree to a relationship on his terms and that's what the games are about, so I'll get so desperate for something I'll agree to 'lay off him' which would mean he would probably see me when it suits him i.e probably every couple of weeks when he's bored, be free to cancel plans at the last minute, make me so glad just to have him back I won't even mention the commitment word, but he'll have someone to sleep with and go on holiday with when it suits.

Wish I'd known about MN when I first met him there were so many red flags.

dequoisagitil Mon 21-Jan-13 10:56:42

You sound stronger and more objective, well done. smile

Listen to your mum!

And when he does pick up the next mug, don't be sorry - it'll be her misfortune and you're making good your escape! He's a bullet to be dodged.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Mon 21-Jan-13 18:11:32

Now you are starting to understand why you have reacted to this shitbag the way you did, it will become easier to despise him for the inadequate knobber he actually is. You'll get there, Sparkly!

sparklyjumper Mon 28-Jan-13 10:44:06

A bit more has gone on since this but ugh, he really is a vile man, he has put the blame for absolutely everything on my shoulders, and while I know I shouldn't listen, it's a big load to carry, I take things to heart and to be told you're this, you're that, even though you know point blank it's not true, it's not nice, like he just wants to smash me to pieces for good measure.

I'm trying to build myself up to go to the GP and ask for some counselling/therapy. I'm just sort of muddling through still, a lot of feelings about my ex that I've never dealt with are coming to the surface and bad memories coming back. I keep having a recurring dream that I'm having an affair with my ex behind his girlfriends back and it feels horrible when I wake up.

DM keeps saying I don't need counselling I just need to keep away from 'the evil little git', but I don't think she udnerstand the load I'm carrying around, I can actually feel the tension in my shoulders.

Has anyone got any positive experiences of counselling/therapy? I think I'm a bit ashamed to speak to the GP about my mental health, and also would find it difficult to talk to a stranger about such personal experiences. But my biggest concerns is that my parenting would come into question, I have no problems at all with my parenting, ds is happy, healthy and well behaved and I know that I am able to meet his needs. But I do know that sometimes agencies share information and because of the agency that I work for this could be extremely unpleasant for me. Think doctors receptionist seeing the GP at the surgery they work for (I'm not a doctors receptionist).

Moanranger Mon 28-Jan-13 15:26:19

Sparkley,
Therapy is great, I am a huge fan of it and it has helped me enormously, so yes, I have positive experiences of it. You don't need 20 years of psychotherapy, either, just maybe half a dozen sessions to give you skills to address anxiety/self-esteem.

Do not worry about other's finding out. Medical profession ( including receptionists, even if agency) have to treat all knowledge as confidential. Re parenting, when I went to my GP with depression my parenting was never discussed - no reason to. No reason in your case.

Your ex-P has a personality disorder. Stop trying to figure him out. You cannot do it. He does not act rationally, and I think you assume he does.

Cut * out * of * life*. End of.

sparklyjumper Mon 28-Jan-13 16:55:33

Thanks Moonranger, every week I say I'll go to GP then put it off, although been having a bit more of a look at NHS website and seems a lot of GPs have in surgery counsellors now and that it's becoming more common not just for severe mental health problems.

You're right about me trying to figure him out all the time. I've always done it, and yes there is a bit of me that does think he must act rationally, and that it's me who's going mad.

He will completely let rip at me, tell me all my faults, everything that's wrong with me, that it must be because of my childhood, or my ex that I'm like this. He even told me that I was a bully and that I was 'getting violent on the phone' I wasn't, and have never been violent, or made threats or anything to suggest that, I was simply trying to defend myself against his accusations. Such as, he doesn't like being asked to do things around the house and just wants to be left alone if he's feeling lazy, to which I pointed out that I rarely ask him to do anything at all, to which he tells me I'm getting violent now?? Then after he's ripped me apart he'll soften and say he can see he needs to sort his head out and he's probably just destined to be alone forever. When he called me a bully I said that if he truly believes I'm a bully and violent why would he even speak to me, and he then says because he does love me really but I need to make big changes.

When I say can we just agree to never speak to eachother again he won't respond, but then responds later to say he's 'fed up'. So there's never an end. And I do realise I'm not being firm or upfront enough but that's because despite me being a bully I actually hate being nasty or having any kind of confrontation.

Even though I know really there's just no point trying to get inside his head, I'm hoping some counselling will help me find ways to stop trying to understand all the time, and also help me deal with the demons from the past so I can happily move forward instead of shuffling through.

Just need to be brave enough to go for it now.

emilysheart Mon 28-Jan-13 21:57:34

had to reply as this just reminds me so much of me and my ex. 3years of being dangled on a piece of string its on making plans doing things together with ds who is 3and he is great with him then its off he needs space shuts me out and starts wondering if its what he wants. i have realised now that the whole thing has been some weird push pull type game and maybe has to do with control. whenever we split up i would try to work it out and remember the good times he would pull away more and stop contact then after a few days of not hearing from me he would find excuses to come round- he's got me a new stereo, cheap tobacco its our friends birthday shall we go?and i always gave in until the last time he was verbally abusive to me text to apologise and can he come round to see me and ds. i said no lets leave it thankfully he has that was 2weeks ago and im staying strong i don't need the headfuck anymore even though im still sad that we couldn't make it work crazy or what

sparklyjumper Mon 28-Jan-13 22:19:11

Maybe they are the same person Emilysheart! I hope you manage to stay strong. I know I absolutely have to now for my health and for ds. Funny enough it was 'for ds' in part that I so wanted it to work. I can see now that's a skewed view.

ConfuzzledMummy Mon 28-Jan-13 22:32:09

He's a first rate prick. You dont need him messing with your head any more. Tell him to do one and mean it!

emilysheart Mon 28-Jan-13 22:41:25

that thought did occur to me sparkly yours sounds worse tbh at least mine has left me alone doubt i would have been as strong as you were under such pressure. was still toying with the idea of letting him see ds and us staying friends as we were before the relationship games began and they do have a strong bond. like you i am finding it hard to forget the good times he could be so lovely at times but then feel like an idiot for falling for all the false promises. its tough i swing from thinking he has abused me to maybe we just wanted different things?

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