Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I can't believe I've let this happen again I'm such an idiot.(116 Posts)
this was my original thread two weeks ago with the background info. But to sum it up I was in an on/off relationship for a few years. He was always breaking up over stupid reasons then getting back together. He broke my trust/let me down and treated me badly lots of times. Kept me hanging on for a commitment making promises. Broke up with me again just after new year.
I decided enough was enough and I was gong to cut contact which I did. He kept on texting and ringing, then when he couldn't get through to my mobile he started emailing and then on my work phone. I've completely ignored him for two weeks but he's kept on and on. He misses me, he's sorry, he's lonely, can't be without me. When that didn't work he started saying he had some bad news to tell me and I wouldn't be happy. Then it was he wanted to see ds (not his son but been there since baby), I won't break him and ds up, ds is as much his as mine. When that didn't work he started saying he was going to just come over.
I've lived with the blinds and curtains shut for the last two weeks, I'm not scared of him but he's likely to just drive over and felt spied on. When the door knocked I jumped out of my skin thinking he'd turned up. Obviously all the time I'm having to be strong as I still love him and miss him.
On Thursday it was starting to wear me down, then yesterday morning he was texting me as soon as I woke up asking if ds was off school, asked if he could come over and take us sledging. Kept saying he was sorry for being horrible and he wanted to sort things out for good. I cracked and said ok he could come over just to talk and take ds sledging. Turns out he wasn't even off work so he'd lied. Then he begged me to let him come over that night. I said ok and then he said the snow was too bad to get over and he couldn't get off his drive. This would have made sense had he not been to work plus the fact he got a 4x4 for this very reason. So I told him to just forget it, then he begged me to let him come over in the morning (today), said I was being childish and I'd never split him and ds up.
We ended up talking and he was saying how he's been so unhappy and fed up without me, he'll never leave me alone as he can't bear to be without me, how I'm gorgeous and funny and he'll never find anyone like me nor does he want to, how he knows he needs to sort himself out. He then said he never wanted to break up but I need to let him breathe and do his own thing. He said he wants all the things I want a stable relationship but he needs to be able to do his own thing. The way I feel about that is that we have lots of space to breathe and do our own thing. We were only together half the week if that as we live apart, we spent a week apart every 5 weeks when he was on call, he worked away often, I was rarely included in anyn of his family stuff, he only has the one friend but I've met him only once in 4 years and ex would go out every 2-3 weeks with him. I spent over a year not seeing him in the day at all on weekends while he did a load of work on his house, he goes skiing each year. He doesn't have any hobbies but if he did I would certainly never stand in his way. I just don't think I'm this clingy controlling person he makes me out to be, and if I ever have been a little it's probably because he broke my trust so many times. I just don't see what he's seeing, I loved spending time together but I like my space too I liked having a few nights a week to enjoy my own company.
Fast forward to this morning, he's asked can he come over to do the sledging, I said ok and then he changes his mind. Says I was right when I said if he loved me he'd leave me alone, I was right to ignore him, he's scared to come over as he'll be shouted at, he's feeling sorry for himself. Then says I must think he's happy but he's sad, all alone and scared. And asked me what would coming over achieve? I just don't know what's going on in his head I really don't.
If anyones still with me I know you're probably thinking what did I even see in him, but he can be such a nice guy. When we were actually in eachothers company we got on, liked the same things, both quiet, homely types. He was nice to me always complimenting me, he'd bring me a coffee in bed, he was close to my ds, I've even been away for the weekend and left him in charge with no worries. But he's also done some really horrible shit things which he almost didn't like to acknowledge he'd done, just expected me to shut up and move on.
Don't really even know what I'm looking for here just wish I understood what's going on in his head.
Yes, classic control tactics.
He did whatever it took to win you back, so he could feel better about himself. And then he needed to take charge of the situation and control the outcome. He probably feels that if you are upset enough he may want you back, and in his terms.
Even if he hasnt thought this through rationally, it is what he is doing.
Tell him to fuck off and thank him for teaching you about controlling arseholes.
would agree, you haven't totally fucked up here, it's part of a process. You did two weeks. You can do four, six etc...
You will get there, trust me, your heart really will start to take a back seat, things will get clearer, as you distance your heart from this. Every time he lets you down and messes up your head, will be a step further away. The process takes time, a setback maybe? Or another step in the right direction of realisation??
The stuff about not letting you split up him and your son is seriously scary.
This guy is bad news.
Stay the fuck away from him and start logging every unwelcome contact.
You might need a record of his behaviour.
Can you explain to your work that that you're being harassed and need to change your number? Just one more small practical thing to put distance between you and this very odd
One day at a time, op, one day at a time. You'll get there, don't worry.
Thank you for all the replies it really does help and make sense.
Yes I will use it as a learning curve and a minor setback.
Someone asked how old ds is, he is 4, I haven't said anything to him, he's used to not seeing dp for a week sometimes so I don't think he's really noticed yet.
But the hot and cold treatment - the breaches of trust - you've put up with an awful lot of mistreatment from this man.
I know, I haven't wrote about half of the horrible things he's done and won't bore everyone as I don't think anyone needs convincing but it does kind of throw all the nice stuff out of the window. The nice stuff seems bigger somehow though as when in eachothers company he was generally nice, most of the nasty stuff has been arguements he's caused over text, things he's said in texts, letting me down, having online relationships, online dating, so it doesn't feel as 'real'.
Maybe it would be a good exercise for you to write it down 'though, hmm?
A nice long list you can refer back to when a text comes through. It's too easy to minimise and avoid thinking about the bad stuff. It needs to be real for you.
If you keep the no contact going he should eventually leave you alone/get bored/find someone new.it's a blip not starting from scratch on your part, part of the process. my ex has played games a few times with me.he doesn't want me, just wanted to know, to boost his ego, that he still had some power over me.eventually,when he found someone new he wanted, he moved on.
He wants you to want him. It's a control thing. Like a child, that wants the toy that they can't have. Don't respond to him in any way, shape or form. Initially he will probably attempt more contact as he tries out all the ways he can think of to get a reaction. When he doesn't get one at all, it will where off.
I would carefully consider your DS spending any time with him, for your DS's sake. He doesn't sound like a role model that your DS needs. He's clearly not reliable or responsible.
You deserve far better than this. Being single is much better than a bad relationship, and you will feel better soon. If you feel yourself slipping and pitying him / wanting him think of all the shit things he did. Make a list, read it when you need confirmation that you are doing the right thing.
Good luck OP, hope he leaves you alone soon.
If you find yourself weakening, keep remembering how you feel now -how you feel stupid that you have taken the bait again, how you feel you have done well as the days go by and then weakened, and are now beating yourself up about it.think about how empowering it feels when you continue no contact and feel you are getting back some power and control of your own life.
Keep reading the thread. That'll remind you of what a shit he is.
Imagine your ds' face when he realises that this Twunt isn't coming to his school play/afternoon toboganning/insert activity Twunt is bound to promise to do at some point but in the end won't.
Keep looking forward to that day when you and ds can't even remember what the hell the man looks like.
Making you coffee in bed or looking after your DC does not make him a good person.
He's still messing you around, by changing plans, even after begging to see you, us his way of trying to get back control.
You aren't back to square one OP, just a bit of a blip
Even dm, who is queen of sitting on the fence and trying to see the good in people said 'oh he's a piece of shit isn't he', I think he meant to say he's a piece of work but got her words mixed up because she was angry.
Your mother is right. He is a piece of shit.
Sounds like the correct form of words to me .
Hi sparkly. I wondered if you'd get together with him again - he's very, very persistent, isn't he.
Despite all that 'nice' behaviour, he treats you abysmally: building up your hopes for holidays, rings etc and then casually dashing them. Just as he casually dashed the hopes of your child when you thought you were going sledging - twice.
He seems to lie constantly and carelessly, just for the sake of it. For example, telling you you don't eat meat when you do - what was the point? (on your other thread). Telling you he's off work when he's not. You can't trust a single word he says: he's compulsive in his lying.
And he manipulates you just for something to do, it seems. Please try to keep away, because every time you go back this misery will get worse. Don't be faked out by his nice behaviour either - who knows if he means it or not?
Quote for you: "We must learn and then teach our children that niceness does not equal goodness. Niceness is a decision, a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait. People seeking to control others almost always present the image of a nice person in the beginning." ( .. Gavin de Becker)
And yes.. Your mum is right!
Thanks ladywordy, he is I mean I didn't speak for two weeks, chucked my sim card away, I did think I'd started to move on unfortunately he knows just how to press my buttons, think that's why dm was so shocked and angry.
The not eating meat thing, he says things like that all the time that leave me thinking 'did I really just have that conversation', perhaps he's actually trying to send me crazy! The classic one was when I invited him for burgers (when I don't eat meat) and he somehow managed to turn it into me not caring about him and not caring if he has an accident on the ice.
I'm laughing about it now but it's not really funny at all. Hopefully one day not to far away I will be able to sit and really laugh.
My sister had a similar situation with a guy like this who wouldn't take no for an answer. It is NOT A GOOD SIGN that you 'nearly jumped out of your skin' when you thought he was going to make contact. You are a bit afraid of him. That's not right. Ask yourself why. These constant texts and calls are not romantic they are threatening. He is not remotely respecting or listening to a word you are saying, just paying power games to get you back under his control. This is not the behaviour of a rational person. I would question what he was doing all those weekend day times you couldn't see him. I don't think anyone who really cared about you and your son would go on about 'needing space'. If your relationship was going anywhere you'd be seeing him more often than half the week. You'd be living together. Instead you keep trying to break up with him, then give in when he bombards and bullies you.
This is harassment. The police take this very seriously. My sister ended up having the police serve a harassment notice on her ex. All thus means is they tell him if he contacts you again they will arrest him. It turned out my sister's bloke was seeing at least one other person all the time (over a year) she was seeing him on and off and he was protesting his love for her. And he was being violent with the other girl. And he had a history if stalking/ violence it turned out when she went to the police.
Please shut this down. You know it's not right. You CAN do it, and think how much better you would feel to be truly free of him.
Resume no contact and hold out...forever. No contact was the only was to get my ex off my case. He did eventually give up. I realised that any contact I gave him just created more confusion on his and my part. Silence was the most powerful and empowering thing I could enact. It feels weird because it doesn't feel like a proper 'end' but you will get used to it. He does not deserve contact with your ds, don't offer it to him, it's just another opportunity for him to blur the boundaries and take advantage.
Also, just like my sister, you're not telling us the 'terrible things' he has done. I think you're in denial and embarrassed about how much you've put up with.
It is not worth it putting up with this man for a quiet life. You need to get out and start again. All of this is NOT your fault. Anyone can get taken in by a charming con artist, it could happen to any one of us. The point is, you're starting to recognise a pattern. Please get out now before you are beaten down and your confidence is knocked any more. Honestly truly. This is not good for you or your DS.
I agree with everyone else-this man is a stalker, and obsessive, probably a narcissistic personality. There is no way you can have the sort of relationship you want with a man like him(normal!).
Cut all contact, don't hesitate to get the police involved and tell your work that he is harassing you so they can take steps as well.
Whilst reading your OP, I did wonder if he has a whole life you don't know about. It does happen..Be strong x
Thanks yourmam, he's never been violent.
The other sorts of things he's done are just typical things like the ones I've said here, lies and messing me around. For example I was pregnant and he wasn't happy at all, his dm and df were disgusted with him, his dm was ringing me saying he'll come round and how they'd been talking and he said he does really love me but he's scared, he did say he wanted it in the end but was still being flaky. I ended up having an abortion, my choice, but I could see there was a big chance I'd be on my own so I didn't want that. He told his family I'd had a miscarriage as he didn't want them to think he'd forced me. Things like he never tells his family we've split up, he likes to keep up a pretence that we're really happy.
Just stupid horrible things he says, like when he wanted me to have an abortion he said it was no big deal people do it all the time, I then said something about why doesn't he have the snip if he's so adamant he doesn't want kids and he said because he'd be scared to have an operation and wouldn't want an anesthetic as it's risky and you can die (his words). Yet he was quite happy for me to have one?
Velcro, it is 'possible' he could have another woman although I honestly don't think he has. He's from a very close, very nice family and they are fully aware of me and ds and fond of us. He has his own house but I would be there fairly reguarly. He's quite a messy person and ds bubble bath and all my toiletries are in exactly the same place every time we go there with a thick coat of dust gathering round them. He rarely even changes his sheets, if ds leaves a toy on the floor you go back and it hasn't moved an inch as he doesn't pick stuff up. He also leaves his phone around open, he's hardly got any numbers in his phone as he doesn't know many people. I just don't think he's got a secret life. He had talked to women online though but he hasn't even had access to a laptop or computer since he moved out of his parents.
But I completely see why someone would think that though.
Join the discussion
Please login first.