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Quick Q ... is this appropriate?

(63 Posts)
SoupOfTheNight Sat 19-Jan-13 10:16:31

DH takes kids to school.

Makes coversation with a mum there.

Adds her on facebook.

Talks to her all times of night.

Never mentions her to me, I have no idea who she is.

Massive long, personal conversations and talk of the snowball fight they all had.

DH moans to her about his legs aching after work out, she says Ask '(DW - me)' to rub them for you. (with daft embarresed face after)

I go to bed last night, hes drinking, sends message to her at 11:30pm to start up conversation.

This is all through private messages, not on wall.

Appropriate?

Horrid experience for you.

I hope he doesn't just try and continue via text etc. That will tell you a lot.

It sounds like you've got your point across to him really clearly though, so well done.

SoupOfTheNight Sun 20-Jan-13 11:55:04

Thankyou, its been a bloody long day and night.

He insists he just wanted someone to talk to, hes deleted his facebook page completely and says he wont talk to her again. He still maintains there was no ill intention on his part, he just got along with her, but its left a bitter taste and I don't really want to deal with him at the moment.

Slippersox Sun 20-Jan-13 07:38:29

Had a restless night thinking of you OP.3 years ago my DH went through what I will now generously call his mid life crisis ie.behaved like a total shit towards me by becoming way too close to an OW from work.Not FB but way too much texting and cosy little lunchtime chats.
Key issues were- he kept it secret.I had heard of her in passing but then he'd stopped mentioning her completely.Why?Because he knew it was wrong,was enjoying the flirting and flattery and wanted it to continue.Was deleting all his texts daily- not that I would ever of dreamed of checking his phone.OWs husband looked at hers and alerted me.She had previous form.Lovely lady.
Upshot was we nearly split.Had been going on for months.We fought hard and stayed together.He had a LOT of hard work to prove he was remorseful and it was worth investing the rest of my life in a relationship with him.He is still proving that to me today because although I have forgiven I will never forget.
You have every right to be angry and upset.Its wrong.Its in the affair zone.
My DH cut contact with OW immediately.I told her to back off and never to text / contact my DH again. Fortunately his work was flexible and it was possible to do that.Likewise even if your DH takes kids to school it's not essential he has this contact with this woman I would guess?
I would second the recommendations for the Shirley Glass book Not Just Friends, but it's your DH who needs it tbh and needs a massive wake-up call to see this is disrespectful and hurtful to you.All the best sorting this out.

MarilynValentine Sat 19-Jan-13 20:54:16

How's it going OP? Hope you're ok.

OhToBeCleo Sat 19-Jan-13 20:12:41

I would start by telling DH that new friends are great. "Invite her around on Friday night for a drink so we can all be friends." Then watch closely how he reacts.....

quoteunquote Sat 19-Jan-13 17:08:28

My Husband has lots of female friends he chats to, as do I male friends,

I expected when I started to read, to say don't be silly people can be friends, then you said,

Never mentions her to me, I have no idea who she is

I would be very worried, he is not stupid so that was deliberate act to conceal, because he knows what he feels is inappropriate.

I bet when you go up to her and ask,

"What is your interest in my husband?", you will clearly see in her facial reactions, that she is also aware that it is inappropriate.

Skyebluesapphire Sat 19-Jan-13 16:39:08

My XH started out in exactly this way , Facebook flirting with his mates wife behind my back and behind his mates back.

We divorced in November after he walked out in April right out of the blue.

He is still at it behind his mates back.

If your H has changed his password then he is hiding something.

noblegiraffe Sat 19-Jan-13 16:24:58

Not appropriate. While I have a male friend that I have chatted to online, sometimes late at night, I was always open with my DH about it, talked about him like a normal friend and when we meet, he comes to my house, chats to DH, plays with my DS, then we might go out for lunch on our own.
It's the secrecy that's the problem, not necessarily the friendship. Although from what you say it also sounds too flirty.

He is saying, she is more important than you.

I wouldn't find that acceptable.

BlameItOnTheBogey Sat 19-Jan-13 16:12:55

See it is fine to make friends with another woman and add her as a Facebook friend. Where it becomes dodgy is not to mention her to you and then to be messaging her at antisocial hours. And the password changing aint great either.

FreudianLisp Sat 19-Jan-13 15:49:11

Izzy, yes I've met her lots of times. And yes, they were friends long before I met DH.

dequoisagitil Sat 19-Jan-13 15:41:52

The changing of the password says he's up to something. If he's not, why can't he be open about FB?

It's crossed a line, because he's putting a lot of emotional energy into this 'friendship', presumably while you're twiddling your thumbs beside him.

There's nothing wrong with making friends with someone. There's something wrong when it becomes as intense as this.

izzyizin Sat 19-Jan-13 15:34:11

Have you met your dh's best friend, Lisp? Was he friends with her before you married?

FreudianLisp Sat 19-Jan-13 14:54:55

It might be dodgy or it might not, depending on the individuals involved. My husband's best friend is female. Sometimes they text each other late at night. He'd hate it if I started pestering him to tell me what was in their messages. But I absolutely 100% trust both of them, so it's not a problem as far as I'm concerned.

atacareercrossroads Sat 19-Jan-13 14:48:05

Not appropriate. Sorry op sad

izzyizin Sat 19-Jan-13 14:45:56

Alternatively, you can save time and energy by taking the easiest option which is pack a bag for him and tell him to go play with his snow balls on her doorstep while you consult a solicitor with a view to divorcing the deceitful twat.

AlwaysDreaming Sat 19-Jan-13 14:43:24

Op read up on how affairs start . From his reaction and the way he has minimized your feelings it sounds to me that he is already in the affair fog .

If he thinks its appropriate why has he felt the need to communicate with her in secret ? I would take a very hard line on this , right now , before it gets to the point he announces that he loves you but isnt in love with you and needs some space , ie , hes moving in with her .

Is this woman single Op ?

DizzyHoneyBee Sat 19-Jan-13 13:40:43

No, completely inappropriate. Sorry.

Velcropoodle Sat 19-Jan-13 13:12:04

It's inappropriate, as is his reaction, and changing the password. Can you discuss it calmly with him, that whether or not he thinks it is ok, you don't, and therefore out of respect and love for you, please desist.
Perhaps I missed something but did you find out because you were worried and looked, or is he brazenly texting away in bed with you?
I speak from experience. STBXH used to check his emails on his phone early every morning right next to me. None so blind....

elizadofuckall Sat 19-Jan-13 13:01:40

OP I cant decide whether you think that this is a joke or that you aren't bothered..or that you are worn down and used to this behaviour.

Either way, the choice is yours, HOWEVER if my husband changed his password after being confronted with talking to another woman, i would be less than pleased and would not dismiss it.

ItsAFuckingVase Sat 19-Jan-13 12:56:54

I'm not sure I agree with everybody.

I don't really see that a friendship is inappropriate, unless they have an ulterior motive. I have a friend that I text late at night and share personal things with. Granted, my DH knows, but doesn't know the details of what we talk about or when we talk unless I mention it in passing as they don't know one another.

I've nothing to hide at all, btw, but if anybody at all suggested they'd been reading my private messages I'd change my password too.

fiventhree Sat 19-Jan-13 12:24:30

Agree with Madabout, as usual.

It isnt what her intentions are, but his. And they are not good, whether he has acknowledged that to himself or not.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 19-Jan-13 12:18:14

Read this link:

www.shirleyglass.com/quizfriendship.php

He is crossing so many lines here and is well on the slippery slope into an affair...

tribpot Sat 19-Jan-13 12:15:25

So despite maintaining that there is absolutely nothing inappropriate about his contact with the other person, he has re-passworded his Facebook account.

Being charitable to him, and given we don't know how you came to know the content of their conversations, this could be a protest at the invasion of his privacy. But given he is failing to acknowledge that you could have any concerns about this contact, even if your concerns turned out not to have foundation, this action simply makes him look guilty as charged.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Sat 19-Jan-13 12:04:37

It's not appropriate. It's an emotional affair: he's spending time and emotionally intimate moments with another woman, that he should be spending on you.

The book recommended here in such situations is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

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