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Quick Q ... is this appropriate?

(63 Posts)
SoupOfTheNight Sat 19-Jan-13 10:16:31

DH takes kids to school.

Makes coversation with a mum there.

Adds her on facebook.

Talks to her all times of night.

Never mentions her to me, I have no idea who she is.

Massive long, personal conversations and talk of the snowball fight they all had.

DH moans to her about his legs aching after work out, she says Ask '(DW - me)' to rub them for you. (with daft embarresed face after)

I go to bed last night, hes drinking, sends message to her at 11:30pm to start up conversation.

This is all through private messages, not on wall.

Appropriate?

izzyizin Sat 19-Jan-13 15:34:11

Have you met your dh's best friend, Lisp? Was he friends with her before you married?

dequoisagitil Sat 19-Jan-13 15:41:52

The changing of the password says he's up to something. If he's not, why can't he be open about FB?

It's crossed a line, because he's putting a lot of emotional energy into this 'friendship', presumably while you're twiddling your thumbs beside him.

There's nothing wrong with making friends with someone. There's something wrong when it becomes as intense as this.

FreudianLisp Sat 19-Jan-13 15:49:11

Izzy, yes I've met her lots of times. And yes, they were friends long before I met DH.

BlameItOnTheBogey Sat 19-Jan-13 16:12:55

See it is fine to make friends with another woman and add her as a Facebook friend. Where it becomes dodgy is not to mention her to you and then to be messaging her at antisocial hours. And the password changing aint great either.

He is saying, she is more important than you.

I wouldn't find that acceptable.

noblegiraffe Sat 19-Jan-13 16:24:58

Not appropriate. While I have a male friend that I have chatted to online, sometimes late at night, I was always open with my DH about it, talked about him like a normal friend and when we meet, he comes to my house, chats to DH, plays with my DS, then we might go out for lunch on our own.
It's the secrecy that's the problem, not necessarily the friendship. Although from what you say it also sounds too flirty.

Skyebluesapphire Sat 19-Jan-13 16:39:08

My XH started out in exactly this way , Facebook flirting with his mates wife behind my back and behind his mates back.

We divorced in November after he walked out in April right out of the blue.

He is still at it behind his mates back.

If your H has changed his password then he is hiding something.

quoteunquote Sat 19-Jan-13 17:08:28

My Husband has lots of female friends he chats to, as do I male friends,

I expected when I started to read, to say don't be silly people can be friends, then you said,

Never mentions her to me, I have no idea who she is

I would be very worried, he is not stupid so that was deliberate act to conceal, because he knows what he feels is inappropriate.

I bet when you go up to her and ask,

"What is your interest in my husband?", you will clearly see in her facial reactions, that she is also aware that it is inappropriate.

OhToBeCleo Sat 19-Jan-13 20:12:41

I would start by telling DH that new friends are great. "Invite her around on Friday night for a drink so we can all be friends." Then watch closely how he reacts.....

MarilynValentine Sat 19-Jan-13 20:54:16

How's it going OP? Hope you're ok.

Slippersox Sun 20-Jan-13 07:38:29

Had a restless night thinking of you OP.3 years ago my DH went through what I will now generously call his mid life crisis ie.behaved like a total shit towards me by becoming way too close to an OW from work.Not FB but way too much texting and cosy little lunchtime chats.
Key issues were- he kept it secret.I had heard of her in passing but then he'd stopped mentioning her completely.Why?Because he knew it was wrong,was enjoying the flirting and flattery and wanted it to continue.Was deleting all his texts daily- not that I would ever of dreamed of checking his phone.OWs husband looked at hers and alerted me.She had previous form.Lovely lady.
Upshot was we nearly split.Had been going on for months.We fought hard and stayed together.He had a LOT of hard work to prove he was remorseful and it was worth investing the rest of my life in a relationship with him.He is still proving that to me today because although I have forgiven I will never forget.
You have every right to be angry and upset.Its wrong.Its in the affair zone.
My DH cut contact with OW immediately.I told her to back off and never to text / contact my DH again. Fortunately his work was flexible and it was possible to do that.Likewise even if your DH takes kids to school it's not essential he has this contact with this woman I would guess?
I would second the recommendations for the Shirley Glass book Not Just Friends, but it's your DH who needs it tbh and needs a massive wake-up call to see this is disrespectful and hurtful to you.All the best sorting this out.

SoupOfTheNight Sun 20-Jan-13 11:55:04

Thankyou, its been a bloody long day and night.

He insists he just wanted someone to talk to, hes deleted his facebook page completely and says he wont talk to her again. He still maintains there was no ill intention on his part, he just got along with her, but its left a bitter taste and I don't really want to deal with him at the moment.

Horrid experience for you.

I hope he doesn't just try and continue via text etc. That will tell you a lot.

It sounds like you've got your point across to him really clearly though, so well done.

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