Lonely

[TopsandToes]

I am so friggin' lonely. I have no friends. Two months ago moved to a new(ish) city and have not had a conversation with anybody.

I am so, so tired of being this person. I don't have anybody I can just pick up the phone and chat to. My family all live on the other side of the world and really I've been away so long that I'm almost like a stranger.

I've always been like this and it's now wearing thin but I don't know what to do about it. I feel like I'm missing a vital piece of my brain that would make me 'normal' or like the loads of other people that are able to just interact normally.

Half the time I feel like I'm invisible - People just seem to look right through me even if I smile and say hello.

I've got 2 dc who I feel like I'm letting down by being the way that I am. What kind of a role model can I possibly be when I can't even make a simple conversation with another mum at nursery? Other mums at least manage to make some mum friends so their kids have someone else to play with and do things with... Mine are destined to not have a birthday party until they are at least in school as there is nobody to invite (although the thought fills me with terror). It makes me feel sad that they are losing out.

How can someone get to the age of 40 and have no friends? I am polite, pleasant, like a joke although sense of humour is quite dry, quiet, no strange pulling the wings off bugs type of tendencies, reasonably intelligent in a booky kind of way although totally lacking in common sense...

I'm so tired of being lonely. There is nothing worse than sitting knowing that your phone is never going to ring, nobody is going to knock on your door and there is nobody to call on in a crisis. Actually that isn't totally correct... The worst bit is knowing that nobody wants your company

[luisgarcia]

hey.

[SoleSource]

Sweary thread on Chat. Come join the mindless drivel :)

Have you thought about therapy? We need to feel OK about ourselves before anybody else can, sometimes. I kniw how it feels but my DS has no eyesight or speech..

[MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong]

I've not good advice I just wanted to hold your hand and give you a hug.
Someone with better advice will be here soon

[Kaykat]

Tops, like you I am shy and never quite know what to say to people when I meet them so I will be very interested in all the advice you get here, thank you for posting.

But I did manage to make friends with some other mums. Everyone likes to talk about their children so try to think of questions or compliments about the other mum's DCs, that's a good way to start a conversation. You could ask the staff at the nursery which children are good friends with your DCs then approach their mums and say,"our DCs have become good friends at nursery, would you like to meet up sometime?" You could suggest a local playground or invite them to your house.

When my DS was at nursery another mum did exactly that to me, she left me a note for the staff to pass onto me with her phone number and mentioning that our DSs were good friends and asked to meet up. I was delighted and we are still friends 10 years later.

[TarkaDahlOtter]

other mums of young children may seem more confident etc, but usually are just glad to meet another mum, whose children can play with hers, while she has someone to have a coffee with.
like the poster above, I was handed a post it with another mums number saying "our kids seem to get on, shall we meet"..she is now a good friend. try it, nothing to lose.good luck op

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You've got to get out there!!! It's a New Year, still time for a resolution or two. Don't know how old your DCs are or if you've got a partner but playgroups & schools aren't a bad place to start for increasing your social circle. If you can find a neighbour to babysit you could look at community activities (check your local authority website). If you can't get out, invite people in for a cuppa... neighbours for example. Good luck

[TotallyEggFlipped]

Have you tried Mumsnet local or netmums?

There was a lonely people thread here a while ago and it was packed with people just like you and there's a Facebook group too.

[howlingcow]

Try reading 'Feel the Feel and Do it Anyway'by Susan Jeffers. Its about venturing outside our comfort zone-I found it invaluable when I felt unable to strike up conversation with people. I always recommend it to friends who are struggling and they always thank me for it after reading it! Good luck x

[howlingcow]

Sorry meant to write 'Feel the FEAR...'!!!

[TotallyEggFlipped]

There have actually been loads of similar threads
you are not alone

[ledkr]

Mumsnetmeetup? I made a great friend at ours.
Stop thinking its you. I have always been lucky with friends but if I moved I don't think I'd be so lucky cos I've known all mine for years.
It's circumstances sometimes not you.

[WaitingForMe]

I found my best mum friend on a Netmums personal ad. Never had a problem finding men but finding friends is tough!

Was quite odd going through ads to decide who I fancied meeting but struck gold the first time

[TopsandToes]

Wow! Thanks for the link to that thread Totally. It's actually quite comforting to see that there are others that feel like me. A little bit less isolating.

I will have a look at Netmums etc. and the book recommendation. Definitely will also ask after any children who my little one gets particularly friendly with at nursery. Just switching to a new one in another week or so I'll ask after a couple of weeks.

I'm trying to build up the courage to venture into the playgroup gauntlet. Have only experienced them abroad and found them to be roughly equivalent to an inner circle of hell. Bitchy and cliquey... One was particularly bad... First time there the conversation stopped when I walked in the room, I was looked over then ALL backs turned to me and they carried on with their conversation and gave me a damn good ignoring. I only have one head... honest!

I am also very cautious about putting myself out there. I have been taken advantage of too often in the past. I guess I'm quite a pushover and will try my best to help out when I can. So many people take advantage - Like the one that used me as a babysitting service when she had friends visit so she/they didn't have to rent a larger car that would fit them all + child and when she just wanted to do something without a 3 year old in tow which was quite a lot... It is actually a bit embarrassing to see stuff like this in black and white... I sound/read like such a spineless drip!

I am quite an introvert and very shy and like my own company but it's not nice not having an option and I think that it is getting worse as I get older