Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

what to make of this text on DH's phone?

(140 Posts)
grants1000 Fri 18-Jan-13 20:39:55

Together 23 years, married 12, never a hint of DH having an affair, in fact his Dad had several affairs and he has always been repulsed by them.

He got a new iphone and I was fiddling with it while he was in the shower midweek, was being nosey as I don't have an iphone. I found this text from 'Emma' saying

"Yes, Tuesday night would be great, after work and don't ply meet with drinks this time as I have an early start! smily face icon'

He was going to London, staying with his sister as he often for work. I saw the texts to his sister confirming he was staying there eg: her texts to him and vice versa.

So I asked him what he was doing after his meetings on Tues, was he having dinner with his sister and he said no he was meeting 'Dave & John' (people I know).

Anyway he did not stay in London Tues in the end as he had to be back here for a meeting. I checked his phone and the Emma text has been deleted and I don't know how to look for deleted texts on an iphone, so I did not see any reply to her text.

I have been though his Linked In profile and cannot see any 'Emma' and been though his phone and I know 95% of those on it and those who are work realted. I called this 'Emma' and it went to voicemail with no idication of who she is or where she works.

What the fuck is this?

Looksgoodingravy Sat 19-Jan-13 00:34:15

I understand why you feel the way you do. Lots of little things don't add up.

He's suddenly deleting texts, or rather her text.

He didn't mention 'Emma' was also coming along for drinks.

He's never mentioned her.

You have to ask yourself why would he not tell you? If you hadn't seen her text you would never have known.

There is something to add in his favour though. Surely if there was something going on between them he would have still met her.

Not sure what to think really. I would have waited though and had it out face to face and judged his reaction.

See I think the deleting texts thing is a red herring.

My DH doesn't delete his texts - until he gets a shiny NEW phone - oooooh!.

Then he 'housekeeps' it like the Queen's cleaner for a couple of weeks, deleting texts, sorting his contacts so that every single box has the required information in, in a set format etc etc.

Then the novelty wears off, his inbox fills up alarmingly and his contacts go back to being first name and number only, with the address box crying out for some data input.

The deleting could be something as simple as new IPhone JOY! It could be a New Years Resolution which will probably end next week to not fill his message box to the brim.

His text sounds ok to me too. Speak to him when he gets home, and then you should know. But on the evidence that he deleted texts on a NEW phone? Iffy. Had it been his old phone then that would have been a change in behaviour - but with a new fandangly one he's going to be using it differently until it becomes his old and boring one. In a couple of weeks.

LovesGSD Sat 19-Jan-13 08:46:44

What did he say when he got home? I hope all is oksmile

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 09:06:18

I really think you should have done this face to face to see his instant reaction. Bit late now though obviously.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 19-Jan-13 09:06:54

The fact that his behaviour has recently changed is a huge red flag.

The other stuff could be innocent but not the behaviour.

Unfortunately he knows you are onto him so I would keep quiet and watch him carefully - remember that its actions not words you should be looking at.

LovesGSD Sat 19-Jan-13 09:44:20

Do you have a jealous side? Maybe he never mentioned Emma/Helen as it wasn't worth the hassle he'd get.

I delete my texts all the time, doesn't mean I'm up to something tho I do have a password on my phone so no-one would read then anyway smile

madgered Sat 19-Jan-13 09:53:11

You have to trust your gut. it is ALWAYS right. Keep on the lookout, especially if his behavior has changed towards you and if he keeps his phone glued to his side at all times. Those are the giveaway signs.

Velcropoodle Sat 19-Jan-13 09:55:28

I would ask him grants1000. You will know from his reaction whether you have anything to worry about. He may be naive about this woman's intentions. Interesting that you checked his texts though. Makes me wonder if there is already a small nagging worry in your mind.

headlesslambrini Sat 19-Jan-13 10:04:20

I don't think that there is anything to worry about unless he has been acting differently as well. You need to have a face to face conversation with him and above all remain calm.

Could you text Emma "Hi its X (dh), new phone playng up so this is my new number" and let her think your phone is his phone?

Velcropoodle Sat 19-Jan-13 10:16:06

Ok, so I missed three pages here, sorry grants100.
For me, I would not be reassured.
Men who cheat often get caught by their phones.
You are clearly a little worried anyway or you would not have looked at his messages in the first place.
His reply means nothing-and if this is a man whose father cheated, so is aware of the fallout, I would have expected that he would not have been so dismissive of you.
You can get software to monitor his messages, although I like fackinell's suggestion-wish I'd thought of that!
I think all you can do now is collect as much evidence as you can. Trust your instincts. madgered and others are spot on.
Oh, and if he now puts a pin number on his phone-that's very damning, unless he does it and gives you the number before you ask. Even then, check it in a week or so in case he has changed it.
Remember that if he thinks you are on to him, he will now cover up so you have lost the element of surprise but if he is starting an affair, he will be careless.
Private investigators say that when a wife instructs them because she is worried, she is nearly always right!

ThreadPirateFanjoBeard Sat 19-Jan-13 10:19:58

Sorry but the 4day trip to Florence when he was hard to get hold of would ring alarm bells for me if he's usually easy to contact on trips. If 'Emma' is a buyer would he have been there too? I think you need to play a waiting game now, OP. unfortunately IF (and it is if) something is about to happen or is going on, he'll be much more careful about covering his tracks.

I hope it's is innocent, OP.

ThreadPirateFanjoBeard Sat 19-Jan-13 10:20:40

she not he!

SundaeGirl Sat 19-Jan-13 10:43:13

Is he back, OP?

How are you getting on OP? How did you feel aout his reply - reassured or suspicious?

Casserole Sat 19-Jan-13 10:52:25

Hope you're ok this morning OP

Tryharder Sat 19-Jan-13 11:12:38

I would give him the benefit of the doubt on this occasion. The original text itself sounds flirty/ jokey but not sexual or OW-ish. And his explanation is reasonable and makes sense.

No need for him to have mentioned her. I travel for work now and then and will meet up with colleagues in the evening. I rarely talk about people at work to my DH, I wouldn't assume he would be interested by what they did or said.

something2say Sat 19-Jan-13 11:25:49

I had a text from a man I play guitar with and he finished by saying I will miss you..... My bf could have been upset by that..... I also don't always mention men I work with, sometimes I do but not always.... I wouldn't worry too much op x

Aspiemum2 Sat 19-Jan-13 11:41:40

How are you today OP?

Pan Sat 19-Jan-13 12:03:51

I'd be unsure either way. Lots of arguments both ways. But, I'd have thought if a partner of mine was sooo worried to send texts like those to me, and there was nothing in it, I'd be on the phone calling them immediately to stop them worrying and stewing all night. With bags and bags of reassurances and openness. Not keen on the idea of slighting your concerns, and being called 'silly'.

badinage Sat 19-Jan-13 14:27:40

I think there's cause for concern here too, but as another poster suggested, I don't think you want to confront it really otherwise you would have had the conversation face to face. Texting about this gave him the breathing space to cook up an explanation, but in its own way his reply was quite revealing. He mocked your concerns, whereas someone who cared about your feelings would have understood why it looked suspicious.

This reminded me of a thread I saw recently from a poster whose husband had left for an OW. There was a backstory that others seemed to know about so I namechecked her. Her 'suspicions' thread from months earlier was quite sad to read. Lots of posters were saying it was innocent and they greatly outweighed the few sages who were urging her to trust her instincts......then she got a terrible shock months later sad.

sarahseashell Sat 19-Jan-13 19:30:10

I'd be very suspicious about this OP, especially the fact he hadn't mentioned her going and the other friend you've never met. Any chance you can get dave & john to confirm it (unsuspiciously of course)

trust your instincts. I agree that by doing it over text you've missed the opportunity to read body language. With my exh it was the look on his face which told me sad

I don't like the fact he's made out you're silly etc. What did he say about it today, if anything?

sasamaxx Sat 19-Jan-13 22:18:00

and developments OP?
what is he saying about it today?
are you ok?

SorryMyLollipop Sun 20-Jan-13 09:12:16

OP - did you gets response to your second message? Hope all ok

grants1000 Tue 22-Jan-13 00:37:58

Yes all fine thanks, to answer, we went out on Sunday evening for a drink to discuss it all, he said he deleted it as he thought it was inappropriate, he had arranged to go out with Dave & John but not her directly, John had invited her as they work for the same company. He does see her in a business sense as she is a buyer and DH has things she wants to buy/suppliers he is an agent for/contacts withing the industry (in the simplist sense), so he has her number and could not remember her surname as it is a weird Austrian spelling. Dave phone me on Sunday evening to explain (I have known dave for 15 years and am good mates with his wife who I also spoke to and she would not BS me in any way). He said they had met socially once before and got drunk in a group. She is now in his phone as Emma (insert name of company she works for her). He was very cross and also very apologetic and said if he had found a text like that on my phone he would have felt the same way as I had. I do trust him 23 years we have been together and this is the first time I have every had a worry about him, which is a good track record imho. She was not in Florence as it was a menswear trade show and she does other stuff that is indirectly linked. He went on to send about 4 other texts that night and we discussed each one when we went out on Sunday. She is on his Linked In but so are many other women who work in the same area. I am glad I texted and as I explained to him, I texted because if it was true I did not want him to see my hurst and devastation on my face. I know when he is out doing business/work/travel etc there are women (as there are men for me) but this text was just one step over the line which he agreed.

Hope that explains it!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now