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The Great Escape

(719 Posts)
GoodtoBetter Fri 18-Jan-13 07:24:59

I thought I would start a new thread, for anyone who might be interested in listening to my waffling on about my struggles with a difficult, overbearing mother. Thank you to whoever it was who suggested the thread title! I've changed my name for something a bit more positive.
previous thread here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1565077-My-mother-hates-my-husband-long

Apparentlychilled Tue 28-Jan-14 22:51:01

Well done goodto!

Loopytiles Mon 27-Jan-14 17:00:03

Congrats goodtobetter! Good for you.

WingDefence Mon 27-Jan-14 13:30:04

Wow it's been a year! Congrats grin

Meerka Mon 27-Jan-14 09:26:41

lovely to hear it's going so much better, good smile

Walkacrossthesand Mon 27-Jan-14 08:36:08

Hi Good, I saw your update late last night and marked it to reply this morning! Great to hear things are going so well - you must be so glad you finally made the break, and you still have a functional relationship with your DM - all good! I'm smiling as I remember the times you were posting when it was 40 degrees where you are, and peeing down with rain here grin

GoodtoBetter Sun 26-Jan-14 20:53:50

So, yesterday was our year anniversary in this house! Really happy here and things going OKish with DM on the whole.
I've applied for 2 non teaching jobs this week and even if I don't get them I now have a business plan to reduce my current teaching hours by summer 2015, if not sooner and get better paid teaching work and more translation. I'm getting ready to take a language exam in May and a translation exam hopefully by next year.
I am so glad we moved out and so grateful for all the advice and gentle kicks up the backside from all the lovely posters who read my long threads.
xxx

GoodtoBetter Wed 25-Dec-13 19:42:05

Hi Tribpot. I just posted on Stately Homes. It was OK. DM came for lunch (although I ended up picking her up, which put me out of kilter with the dinner..lesson learned). My lovely friend came too which defused the atmosphere.
It was all OK except DD has a nasty cough and cold and was crying and very clingy and I sort of messed up the dinner timings.
Managed to have a stupid row about nothing with DH after they'd gone and ended up in tears. All made up quickly but I think we both found it more stressful than expected. Lessons learned.
But so so so much better than last year. Had a lovely Christmas eve, nice food, did the stockings, had some Amaretto and snuggled up in front of the TV.
We did the right thing for all of us a year ago.

tribpot Wed 25-Dec-13 19:34:53

GoodtoBetter, I looked you up to see if you'd posted about how Christmas had gone. I'd missed your recent update.

Glad that things have vastly improved, for all of you. I wonder what might have happened if you hadn't moved out. You definitely made the right choice.

Have a fantastic Christmas.

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie Thu 19-Dec-13 08:58:46

Festive name at the moment but posted on your thread this year. Glad things are so much better fsmile have a great Christmas.

MumofFestiveYuck Thu 19-Dec-13 08:53:09

Very pleased to hear this, GtB. It does sound like it's ten times better for everyone involved. Happy anniversary (although maybe don't tell your DM why you're celebrating) wink

Meerka Wed 18-Dec-13 09:16:15

This sounds amazing, GtB, considering your early threads. Way to go! < cheers her on>

GoodtoBetter Wed 18-Dec-13 09:13:17

DB seems happier too, and it's good that we're on the same page about her. He got a lot of shit from her over the years, being the scapegoat and I think he feels more now that it was never him, she's just mad. We're closer now too I think, we were always close but we talk more now as I can skype him and talk freely cos she's not around.

DH is happier. He'd started smoking again through stress while we were living there but hasn't since before we moved out. He's still out of work, but does all the cooking, cleaning and childcare (including a lie in for me at weekends smile). I mostly do the laundry, but I like laundry...I find it calming, weirdo that I am.

DM of course would never admit that she was happier or had a better life now, but she does. At the weekend I went to a Medieval Xmas market with her and the kids (had been with DH the day before). Beautiful sunshine, lovely place. We walked round for about an hour and a half and had a coffee. Great morning, no complaints about walking or pain or anything. Then, yesterday DD has her xmas nativity. DM came and watched from the back (only 2 seats per child) and stood for about an hour, saw DD after and said she'd enjoyed it. She shops, cooks, cleans, does her laundry by herself, gets to eat what she wants instead of complaining about what we cook.

We have the occasional blow up or attempts at drama llama behaviour, but things are so so so much better. I still feel guilty about stuff and have to be careful to keep boundaries up and not be too much of a people pleaser, but I'm getting there.

Lavenderhoney Wed 18-Dec-13 07:38:01

That sounds greatsmile is your db happier as well? Merry Christmassmile

Aussiebean Tue 17-Dec-13 22:27:48

Yay. I love a happy ending. Well done and merry Christmas to you and your family.

GoodtoBetter Tue 17-Dec-13 22:08:41

Just in case anyone remembers this (and is interested), today is a year to the day that my mother stormed off and the scales finally dropped from my eyes and I saw her and our relationship for what it was.
We are still in the rented house we moved into (with the roof terrace smile) and we're really happy. About to renew the rental for another year and they're happy for us to pay monthly instead of upfront.
Going to have our first Christmas here (albeit with DM for xmas lunch) and I can honestly say I have never been happier.
DM can still be a pain in the ARSE and I have to work hard on my boundaries, she still pretty much ignores DH, so I see her without him and she doesn't come to the house, but I'm managing lower contact OK on the whole.
Thank all of you who read this thread and supported me and helped me so much. xxx

GoodtoBetter Thu 26-Sep-13 19:14:13

Thanks WingDefence, the drugs have really kicked in and I can eat again!!! Whoop whoop! DM did get in touch and I enjoyed laying it on thick about how awful I'd felt, as she's such a hypochondriac, thought I'd get my own back for once.
DB will be staying with DM and unfortunately is coming Monday to Sat and I work Mon to Thurs pm, so will be a bit limited seeing him, but will sort things out. Cuts down on possibilities for awkward meals with both DM and DH trying to pretend not to dislike each other.
Just heard that one of my long term clients that I still do bits and pieces for has landed a big contract, the second part of a long running thing I did with him for about 2 years, easy work and enjoyable, so pleased with that!

WingDefence Thu 26-Sep-13 15:50:35

Hi Good - sorry to hear you're ill thanks

Is DB staying with you or DM? Hope it all goes well smile

GoodtoBetter Wed 25-Sep-13 12:00:10

Hello HowlerMonkey, I know who you are! I haven't looked at this thread for a while, I've mostly been on the Stately Homes thread.
I'm off sick from work atm with a throat infection and awful awful mouth ulcers, DM knows but hasn't asked after me. She's so fucking WEIRD.
Anyway, we had a lovely fortnight at the beach in August and I'm now back at work (well, when I'm not off sick smile ). I've been doing a bit of translation here and there and checked the legalities of it all and I can safely do up to 3000 euros a year without going self employed (v expensive) and even if it's over that I can mostly just do one extra tax return for the VAT incurred, so all good. The accountant I used to use is great and mostly advises me for free, wouldn't take any payment for a 45 min consultation last week. smile
DB is coming for 5 days in November, really looking forward to seeing him!

HowlerMonkey Tue 27-Aug-13 06:23:17

Still listening Good (have namechanged but I once sent you a card ;) )

I think that you were amazingly strong to push through and move out and that you've carried on being strong in the face of PAness, whinginess and narcissism since then. It's only all the work that has kept you from sitting back and going 'WHOA' for this long! Anyone who's done all this would be reeling.

I do get what you mean about it being a sea-change, despite the fact that overtly nothing is different. It's an odd feeling.

Wishing you a lovely fortnight away smile

MinnieBar Fri 02-Aug-13 14:22:52

I'm still lurking and keeping this thread on my TIW!

This has actually been one of my favourite threads G2B. I know it's been really hard for you, and that it's not over (and probably never will be 'done') but it's been a real testament to your strength, compassion and determination.

YOU have made a difference to your life, to your family's wellbeing, and to your relationship with your mum. YOU. And not only do you and your DCs and DH have better quality of life, but so does your mum. It's been brilliant to see smile

Keep on keeping on!

GoodtoBetter Mon 29-Jul-13 14:25:53

I spoke to my friend who lives in the village a bit about it last week, but didn't want to go on and on, and she'll be moving abroad in a couple of months. Will really miss her. Saw another friend this morning who knows about it (the only other one who does know really...my boss/friend knows but she's away atm) and touched on it briefly.
Mad mother is a lot better, I think there's been a slight increase in patheticness just this week as we're about to go to the beach for a fortnight. I know she's a bit nervous about us being 90 mins away instead of 2 mins away, so feel a bit bad about getting annoyed, but then remember that it's all ridiculous and that she's, at least in part, reverting to guilt tripping and then I get annoyed again. I find that not engaging and being bright and breezy and just pretending that she is a normal person and we have a normal relationship is the best way to go.

The friend I saw this morning is a friend from work and has a little girl and is in a management role. We were talking about how much she hates it and is desperately trying to get out of it, but needs the money. So, have given myself a good talking to about feeling sad about my prospects within the company. Going to be thankful for what I have and keep on keeping on. We have some money behind us and mostly manage on what I earn plus a bit of translation. I get to see the kids more than a lot of people and we have a nice life.

And I love, love, love not living with her. I love just not having her around (that sounds horribleblush) I love that it isn't HER house. I love not feeling like I should go and chat to her or watch tv with her. I love not having to live with her moods or second guessing what she was thinking about my parenting/what I was spending. I love not maintaining everything super clean all the time so as not to give her the excuse to call me a slattern. Just not having that feeling of someone always watching me as if I were a child. I love not feeling beholden to her, responsible for her and her happiness. Can't believe how much shit I put up with, how it crept up bit by bit. And she wasn't even happy, she was a fucking misery a lot of the time. Can't believe how much headspace she took up. Still does, have to watch that, which why i think the fortnight away will be good for me.

She's got a better life now, although she'd never admit it in a million years.

Hoping to skype DB before we go, he's the only one apart from you lovely vipers who really gets it and who I can say anything to.

I'll be OK ladies. Just felt it all a bit last week. But, I'm happy and I have a lovely happy little family and we'll be OK. I use MN as a kind of counselling because you understand what it's like. I don't know what I'd have done without MN, I think I'd have ended up divorced tbh.

WingDefence Mon 29-Jul-13 13:12:52

Yes I guess your life has changed so much but she hasn't changed at all really. So you've put lots of steps in place to make your and your family's lives happier but her behaviour still takes you back a few steps each time, which must be frustrating and wearying too.

But remember what it was like when you all lived together. Even though you still have to put up with her PA ways, the time you are just with your family must be so much more relaxing for you all.

Can you talk all your thoughts through with your brother? Or is there another RL friend you could discuss things with?

Hissy Mon 29-Jul-13 07:33:41

Adrenaline can only carry you too far, and the dynamic that you left IS still there, so you will have to KEEP reminding her that she can and must do the best she can for herself.

Gently of course!

Ignore the PA/woe is me comments if you can, call out the most ridiculous.

Yes, you've lost the relationship you thought you had with her, but that was the one that made you and you family miserable and tense.

I think you talking about your feelings is vital! Now you've had the dust settle, got yourselves into a routine etc, it's totally right that you'd want to talk and think about your thoughts/feelings.

GoodtoBetter Sun 28-Jul-13 21:14:59

and, yes it's so lovely having two. Mine fight like any 5 and 2 yr old do but they love each other so and are such a little team it makes my heart sing to see it.

GoodtoBetter Sun 28-Jul-13 21:13:12

No, no, no bumping the thread has been good. I was about to write on it myself but felt perhaps nobody was listening any more blush. I was going to write about the way things have been swooshing round in my head recently because I have been surprised how much it's been on my mind the last week or so. I've reread both threads this week.

She's just rung because she wants me to pick up some milk for her before we go away and I feel myself getting annoyed with the (only ever so slight, but there all the same) PA pathetic little digs about being on her own. Then I feel bad for thinking that. Feel like I need to be on guard with her and it feels like hard work. Myabe I'm surprised that it's still hard work? I don't know.

I feel a bit, sort of in shock that it all happened. Feel a bit like saying to people, "Don't you realise what's happened, how my life has changed?" Feel like I want to talk about it a lot, what happened, what she did, what I know about her now. Like I'm carrying this huge secret around, because most people have no idea that anything has changed in my life at all.

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