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The Great Escape

(735 Posts)
GoodtoBetter Fri 18-Jan-13 07:24:59

I thought I would start a new thread, for anyone who might be interested in listening to my waffling on about my struggles with a difficult, overbearing mother. Thank you to whoever it was who suggested the thread title! I've changed my name for something a bit more positive.
previous thread here:

WingDefence Wed 30-Sep-15 13:41:45

Good! Thanks for the update. I've hardly been on MN after spending too far much of my life on her last year since last summer and have just been going through my old I'm On threads.

Glad you've had counselling and life over there seems to be working out well for you star
(Ooh even a new icon since I was last on!)

Aussiebean Tue 21-Jul-15 09:56:43

That is one thing i am beginning to realise as being a child of a narc

I struggle to actually have emotions. Sometimes I just feel nothing to situations that I should react to. Or I feel something but can't name it. Am I anxious, stressed, worried, nervous? I can't actually identify the emotion despite having a physical reaction.

They really stuff us up don't they.

GoodtoBetter Tue 21-Jul-15 08:36:23

for other's emotions

GoodtoBetter Tue 21-Jul-15 08:35:36

Totally agree with everything there Aussiebean. And yes, best thing I could do but really the only thing. In her tantrumming and trying to force the reaction she wanted out of me (capitulation) it just backed me into a corner of NC because you just can't keep taking that shit. There comes a point (like with a toddler tantrum) where you just have to say "this is not acceptable, when you calm down and are ready to apologise we can talk". And it's hard as a child of a narc (especially an engulfing narc) because that is PRECISELY what you have learnt NOT to do your entire childhood, your whole life has been about capitulating, smoothing over, taking responsibility for other emotions, taking them on as your own. That was a big part of therapy actually, learning to feel my own emotions and stop feeling everyone else's for them iyswim.

Aussiebean Tue 21-Jul-15 00:28:12

I should say, unfortunately for her. Best thing you could do.

Aussiebean Tue 21-Jul-15 00:27:23

It is very much like a tantrum. They up the ante until you give in.

Unfortunately , this time you didn't give in and there is no way she was going to back down.

Suddenly she has exposed the lies she has been telling for years (I am so helpless you need to do everything for me at the expense of your husband and children) and she is all alone back home.

There is no way her pride will let her back down so she is stuck. Wallowing in the bed she made.

GoodtoBetter Mon 20-Jul-15 20:01:05

I think she engineered a row, yes but just because she is a drama llama and couldn't stand not being the centre of everything, couldn't stand us going away for 5 days without her. I think then once she realised I wasn't going running back apologising for "offending" her then she used that as an excuse for more drama, which had the added bonus of an excuse to go back to the UK. But I think it's not calculate further than a toddler calculates a tantrum.
Still close to DB, he's coming out for a week at the end of August and was here in April for a weekend. Really looking forward to seeing him.

lavenderhoney Mon 20-Jul-15 19:04:01

She may have engineered a row and used it as an excuse to leave. She has been very difficult though. It's great you still get on with your db, and I hope he still comes out to see you and you go and see him.

Things do sound so much better in your personal day to day life flowers

GoodtoBetter Mon 20-Jul-15 08:50:20

Thanks guys. I suppose it hit a nerve as that is exactly what she trained me all my life to feel and what our whole relationship was based on Fear, obligation and most of all GUILT. 13 sessions of really excellent psychotherapy have helped me a bit with that.
Congratulations on your son, Aussie that's fabulous news. I'm so sorry you have been upset by your mother's reaction, but not surprised either. Totally understand you. I can't even begin to fathom how my mother could voluntarily up and leave her GC, no matter what I had supposedly done (nothing). She is in contact with my brother but he says she doesn't mention them much and has never once asked him how they are or for photos or anything. sad
That is the overriding emotion lately, now that the adrenalin has died down. Just sad that she is how she is. Acceptance of what kind of person she is I suppose is beginning to creep in.

Callmecordelia Mon 20-Jul-15 02:12:14

Please don't feel bad about updating. The person who should feel bad is the poster who made such a stupid comment. I am really pleased to see you are moving towards acceptance, and that things are starting to get better for you. Take care.

Aussiebean Mon 20-Jul-15 01:30:44

Hi Good.

Don't worry about those who don't understand what it is like to have a mother like yours/ours. They are lucky never to have had a mother who has no problem destroying their child's self esteem to satisfy their own sense of self.

My son is 8 weeks old. Despite knowing about him, I have heard nothing from my mother. Not a card, not a phone call not a text. Nothing. Not a how are you? Not a how is he? Not a is there anything I can do to help? Nothing.

Yet my aunt has spent over $500 just to fly here to visit him and help out.

People who critise would never conceive of the idea that their mother would be so uninterested.

I have followed from the start. You have done an amazing job looking after your children and protecting your marriage.

Your children will never have to cry over your abuse but will come to you in their hour of need.

And those who do critise should thank their lucky stars that they had at least some years with a supportive mother and knows what that's is like, instead of many more years dealing with an abusive one.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 19-Jul-15 22:02:20

I wish I still had my mother too. But I sure as hell don't wish I had your mother! I remember your threads. You did so well managing her in as healthy a way as possible, but in the end the stubborn old... person... got away. Now you have Spain to yourselves (as it were). Result! And congratulations on the rest of the stuff, though commiserations to DH on the loss of his father.

So much for her being a feeble old woman who couldn't cope on her own, eh (but you never did buy that line).

Custardmiteofglut Sun 19-Jul-15 21:02:36

I lurked on this and your previous thread Good and I'm glad you updated.

A big bloody WELL DONE for getting on so well with your life and passing your exams. You & your DH have, even when presented with bereavement and trials stuck it out and are doing great.

You deserve to be happy. I'm sorry other posters haven't bothered to rtft.

GoodtoBetter Sun 19-Jul-15 20:55:18

Have you actually read this thread Christina? I'm sure your mum was lovely and I'm sorry you miss her but mine is not lovely. Mine is horrible. so horrible that she would rather cut me and her gc out and emigrate than apologise for calling a me thief and a liar. Your reply is so inappropriate it's breathtaking. Wish I'd never updated now. sad

ChristinaTweet Sun 19-Jul-15 20:49:39

some of us don't have a mother and wish we still did

GoodtoBetter Sun 19-Jul-15 16:08:42

Been musing and stumbled on this. Thought I would update in case anyone wondered.

almost a year ago DM got in a foul mood because Dbro came to visit and went to his flat with us at the beach for 5 days. She had a fit of rage and slagged me and DH off (total character assassination) so I refused to answer my phone, she went totally batshit and basically emigrated back to the UK without a bye your leave (it all played out across the Stately home Threads). Obviously it was more complex (and horrible ) than that sounds, but that's the long and short of it.
She sold her house to the first people through the door and left in November 2014
DH got a short term contract through the council in January (last day is next week) and his dad died suddenly in the New year. He inherited some money so we put that and my money together and bought a house.
I sat my big professional exams in January (the day after DH's dad died) and passed all 3 with 2 merits.
Things are going well with the translation and I'm doing 2 days teaching in term time.
Had about 13 sessions of psychotherapy with the really excellent guy my brother saw, started when DM kicked off and finished (for now) in March. The therapy was brilliant, really helped. All in all things are great, although strange and sometimes I get hit by waves of sadness about Dm, but as my therapist says, I can't have the relationship I crave with her (he said, with all the ususal caveats about not diagnosing etc that she displayed narc traits). That makes me sad, it's like grief, but it's out of my control.
It still feels like an escape, a hard journey but the only choice.

Apparentlychilled Tue 28-Jan-14 22:51:01

Well done goodto!

Loopytiles Mon 27-Jan-14 17:00:03

Congrats goodtobetter! Good for you.

WingDefence Mon 27-Jan-14 13:30:04

Wow it's been a year! Congrats grin

Meerka Mon 27-Jan-14 09:26:41

lovely to hear it's going so much better, good smile

Walkacrossthesand Mon 27-Jan-14 08:36:08

Hi Good, I saw your update late last night and marked it to reply this morning! Great to hear things are going so well - you must be so glad you finally made the break, and you still have a functional relationship with your DM - all good! I'm smiling as I remember the times you were posting when it was 40 degrees where you are, and peeing down with rain here grin

GoodtoBetter Sun 26-Jan-14 20:53:50

So, yesterday was our year anniversary in this house! Really happy here and things going OKish with DM on the whole.
I've applied for 2 non teaching jobs this week and even if I don't get them I now have a business plan to reduce my current teaching hours by summer 2015, if not sooner and get better paid teaching work and more translation. I'm getting ready to take a language exam in May and a translation exam hopefully by next year.
I am so glad we moved out and so grateful for all the advice and gentle kicks up the backside from all the lovely posters who read my long threads.

GoodtoBetter Wed 25-Dec-13 19:42:05

Hi Tribpot. I just posted on Stately Homes. It was OK. DM came for lunch (although I ended up picking her up, which put me out of kilter with the dinner..lesson learned). My lovely friend came too which defused the atmosphere.
It was all OK except DD has a nasty cough and cold and was crying and very clingy and I sort of messed up the dinner timings.
Managed to have a stupid row about nothing with DH after they'd gone and ended up in tears. All made up quickly but I think we both found it more stressful than expected. Lessons learned.
But so so so much better than last year. Had a lovely Christmas eve, nice food, did the stockings, had some Amaretto and snuggled up in front of the TV.
We did the right thing for all of us a year ago.

tribpot Wed 25-Dec-13 19:34:53

GoodtoBetter, I looked you up to see if you'd posted about how Christmas had gone. I'd missed your recent update.

Glad that things have vastly improved, for all of you. I wonder what might have happened if you hadn't moved out. You definitely made the right choice.

Have a fantastic Christmas.

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie Thu 19-Dec-13 08:58:46

Festive name at the moment but posted on your thread this year. Glad things are so much better fsmile have a great Christmas.

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