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The Great Escape

(719 Posts)
GoodtoBetter Fri 18-Jan-13 07:24:59

I thought I would start a new thread, for anyone who might be interested in listening to my waffling on about my struggles with a difficult, overbearing mother. Thank you to whoever it was who suggested the thread title! I've changed my name for something a bit more positive.
previous thread here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1565077-My-mother-hates-my-husband-long

HowlerMonkey Tue 27-Aug-13 06:23:17

Still listening Good (have namechanged but I once sent you a card ;) )

I think that you were amazingly strong to push through and move out and that you've carried on being strong in the face of PAness, whinginess and narcissism since then. It's only all the work that has kept you from sitting back and going 'WHOA' for this long! Anyone who's done all this would be reeling.

I do get what you mean about it being a sea-change, despite the fact that overtly nothing is different. It's an odd feeling.

Wishing you a lovely fortnight away smile

GoodtoBetter Wed 25-Sep-13 12:00:10

Hello HowlerMonkey, I know who you are! I haven't looked at this thread for a while, I've mostly been on the Stately Homes thread.
I'm off sick from work atm with a throat infection and awful awful mouth ulcers, DM knows but hasn't asked after me. She's so fucking WEIRD.
Anyway, we had a lovely fortnight at the beach in August and I'm now back at work (well, when I'm not off sick smile ). I've been doing a bit of translation here and there and checked the legalities of it all and I can safely do up to 3000 euros a year without going self employed (v expensive) and even if it's over that I can mostly just do one extra tax return for the VAT incurred, so all good. The accountant I used to use is great and mostly advises me for free, wouldn't take any payment for a 45 min consultation last week. smile
DB is coming for 5 days in November, really looking forward to seeing him!

WingDefence Netherlands Thu 26-Sep-13 15:50:35

Hi Good - sorry to hear you're ill thanks

Is DB staying with you or DM? Hope it all goes well smile

GoodtoBetter Thu 26-Sep-13 19:14:13

Thanks WingDefence, the drugs have really kicked in and I can eat again!!! Whoop whoop! DM did get in touch and I enjoyed laying it on thick about how awful I'd felt, as she's such a hypochondriac, thought I'd get my own back for once.
DB will be staying with DM and unfortunately is coming Monday to Sat and I work Mon to Thurs pm, so will be a bit limited seeing him, but will sort things out. Cuts down on possibilities for awkward meals with both DM and DH trying to pretend not to dislike each other.
Just heard that one of my long term clients that I still do bits and pieces for has landed a big contract, the second part of a long running thing I did with him for about 2 years, easy work and enjoyable, so pleased with that!

GoodtoBetter Tue 17-Dec-13 22:08:41

Just in case anyone remembers this (and is interested), today is a year to the day that my mother stormed off and the scales finally dropped from my eyes and I saw her and our relationship for what it was.
We are still in the rented house we moved into (with the roof terrace smile) and we're really happy. About to renew the rental for another year and they're happy for us to pay monthly instead of upfront.
Going to have our first Christmas here (albeit with DM for xmas lunch) and I can honestly say I have never been happier.
DM can still be a pain in the ARSE and I have to work hard on my boundaries, she still pretty much ignores DH, so I see her without him and she doesn't come to the house, but I'm managing lower contact OK on the whole.
Thank all of you who read this thread and supported me and helped me so much. xxx

Aussiebean Tue 17-Dec-13 22:27:48

Yay. I love a happy ending. Well done and merry Christmas to you and your family.

Lavenderhoney Wed 18-Dec-13 07:38:01

That sounds greatsmile is your db happier as well? Merry Christmassmile

GoodtoBetter Wed 18-Dec-13 09:13:17

DB seems happier too, and it's good that we're on the same page about her. He got a lot of shit from her over the years, being the scapegoat and I think he feels more now that it was never him, she's just mad. We're closer now too I think, we were always close but we talk more now as I can skype him and talk freely cos she's not around.

DH is happier. He'd started smoking again through stress while we were living there but hasn't since before we moved out. He's still out of work, but does all the cooking, cleaning and childcare (including a lie in for me at weekends smile). I mostly do the laundry, but I like laundry...I find it calming, weirdo that I am.

DM of course would never admit that she was happier or had a better life now, but she does. At the weekend I went to a Medieval Xmas market with her and the kids (had been with DH the day before). Beautiful sunshine, lovely place. We walked round for about an hour and a half and had a coffee. Great morning, no complaints about walking or pain or anything. Then, yesterday DD has her xmas nativity. DM came and watched from the back (only 2 seats per child) and stood for about an hour, saw DD after and said she'd enjoyed it. She shops, cooks, cleans, does her laundry by herself, gets to eat what she wants instead of complaining about what we cook.

We have the occasional blow up or attempts at drama llama behaviour, but things are so so so much better. I still feel guilty about stuff and have to be careful to keep boundaries up and not be too much of a people pleaser, but I'm getting there.

Meerka Netherlands Wed 18-Dec-13 09:16:15

This sounds amazing, GtB, considering your early threads. Way to go! < cheers her on>

MumofFestiveYuck Thu 19-Dec-13 08:53:09

Very pleased to hear this, GtB. It does sound like it's ten times better for everyone involved. Happy anniversary (although maybe don't tell your DM why you're celebrating) wink

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie Thu 19-Dec-13 08:58:46

Festive name at the moment but posted on your thread this year. Glad things are so much better fsmile have a great Christmas.

tribpot Wed 25-Dec-13 19:34:53

GoodtoBetter, I looked you up to see if you'd posted about how Christmas had gone. I'd missed your recent update.

Glad that things have vastly improved, for all of you. I wonder what might have happened if you hadn't moved out. You definitely made the right choice.

Have a fantastic Christmas.

GoodtoBetter Wed 25-Dec-13 19:42:05

Hi Tribpot. I just posted on Stately Homes. It was OK. DM came for lunch (although I ended up picking her up, which put me out of kilter with the dinner..lesson learned). My lovely friend came too which defused the atmosphere.
It was all OK except DD has a nasty cough and cold and was crying and very clingy and I sort of messed up the dinner timings.
Managed to have a stupid row about nothing with DH after they'd gone and ended up in tears. All made up quickly but I think we both found it more stressful than expected. Lessons learned.
But so so so much better than last year. Had a lovely Christmas eve, nice food, did the stockings, had some Amaretto and snuggled up in front of the TV.
We did the right thing for all of us a year ago.

GoodtoBetter Sun 26-Jan-14 20:53:50

So, yesterday was our year anniversary in this house! Really happy here and things going OKish with DM on the whole.
I've applied for 2 non teaching jobs this week and even if I don't get them I now have a business plan to reduce my current teaching hours by summer 2015, if not sooner and get better paid teaching work and more translation. I'm getting ready to take a language exam in May and a translation exam hopefully by next year.
I am so glad we moved out and so grateful for all the advice and gentle kicks up the backside from all the lovely posters who read my long threads.
xxx

Walkacrossthesand Mon 27-Jan-14 08:36:08

Hi Good, I saw your update late last night and marked it to reply this morning! Great to hear things are going so well - you must be so glad you finally made the break, and you still have a functional relationship with your DM - all good! I'm smiling as I remember the times you were posting when it was 40 degrees where you are, and peeing down with rain here grin

Meerka Netherlands Mon 27-Jan-14 09:26:41

lovely to hear it's going so much better, good smile

WingDefence Netherlands Mon 27-Jan-14 13:30:04

Wow it's been a year! Congrats grin

Loopytiles Mon 27-Jan-14 17:00:03

Congrats goodtobetter! Good for you.

Apparentlychilled Tue 28-Jan-14 22:51:01

Well done goodto!

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