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The Great Escape

(719 Posts)
GoodtoBetter Fri 18-Jan-13 07:24:59

I thought I would start a new thread, for anyone who might be interested in listening to my waffling on about my struggles with a difficult, overbearing mother. Thank you to whoever it was who suggested the thread title! I've changed my name for something a bit more positive.
previous thread here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1565077-My-mother-hates-my-husband-long

tribpot Sat 19-Jan-13 08:04:43

GoodtoBetter, as you've got the keys to the flat, you could start taking stuff over and dumping it all in one room to sort out after? (Not an easy game if it involves then having too much furniture in another room and having to move everything around like that game of sliding squares where there's only one free space!)

What I did when I moved here, as it was only a mile from my previous house, was I got friends to help me pack up portable stuff - clothes, books, kitchen stuff, DVDs, etc etc and then got the removal firm to just take the furniture.

Here you don't have a deadline to get everything out, as even your mum isn't going to sell off anything you've left after 24 Jan! But I would assume you don't want to have the conversation with her about whether you can leave some bits to pick up over the next few days. Is there anywhere else you could store stuff that you're not going to need immediately?

More importantly, you have to rest - moving house is a marathon, not a sprint.

GoodtoBetter Sat 19-Jan-13 08:43:55

Hi tribpot yy to everything you say. It's more the sorting out really. Have found 3 boxes and friend is going to sort out some more so will start trying to ferry stuff over this weekend. Off to ikea now with 2 small children in tow, one of whom is in a BAD mood. Wish me luck.

Followed your other thread and I'm really excited for you, this new flat sounds as though it's going to be a fresh start and a whole new phase in your lives together!

Anniegetyourgun Sat 19-Jan-13 14:35:44

I can't help feeling your DS will improve greatly once he doesn't have an extra "parent" to play off against the other two.

GoodtoBetter Sat 19-Jan-13 14:57:14

Went to ikea...was a bit stressful with both kids but OK. Got DS' bed and wardrobe coming on Monday and bought him one of these lights www.ikea.com/es/es/catalog/products/60143001/#/00166095 for his bedroom and one of these leaf canopies www.ikea.com/es/es/catalog/categories/departments/childrens_ikea/roomset/20132_chro14a/ you can see in the picture I think..only 10 euros.
My friend offered me a table and chairs over xmas so hopefully that offer still stands.
Told DS before we went to ikea that we were going to live in a new house next week but that granny was going to stay in her house and he seemed absolutely fine and really excited about it. Took him to the new house before ikea and showed him his bedroom (the biggest room) and he loved the rooftop with the views. Then said we had to go and buy him a new bed for the new house. He seemed quite upset we weren't moving that day! When we came back he burst in and said excitedly to DM "I've got a new house!" and proceeded to tell her all about it. To her credit she was very upbeat about it. He's invited her over on Monday! Ha ha ha!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 19-Jan-13 15:05:26

Out of the mouths of babes... This could all work out so well for her. It is definitely going to make a big improvement to DH and DC's lives. You are so close, bravo, GoodToBetter!!

tribpot Sat 19-Jan-13 15:12:55

<snort> at ds - absolute classic. Well done that boy!

Love the Ikea stuff, particularly the lamp. My ds has one of these as his bedside lamp - an unexpected blessing when we thought we were going to have a powercut a couple of nights ago and ds was very worried about waking up in the dark, til we pointed out ghosty has his own battery.

GoodtoBetter Sat 19-Jan-13 15:36:41

Yes, DH and I were laughing silently in the kitchen! She's still a bit obsessed with things that aren't urgent. Like, she asked us to clean all the aircon filters before we go and wanted me to get her 2 baskets and 2 small trays from ikea, but it was just too mad with a buggy, DC, trolley, bag, flat trolley and anyway, I've said again and again I'll take her over there on a week day morning the week after next and she can leaisurely fill the car boot. It's not like she NEEDS 2 baskets and 2 small trays before Friday.
Waiting for DD to finish her nap and then we have to go and buy a phone handset and a heater or two.
Have ferried over some stuff and thrown out some stuff. Would like to prune organise the DC's plastic tat toys but need them to be in bed or it'll be "nooooo, I love that, noooo, not that one!" etc. Better for it just to "disappear".

Jux Sat 19-Jan-13 17:24:04

Can't she order them online? Anything I've got from Ikea has been delivered through online orders.

Glad ds is excited.

GoodtoBetter Sat 19-Jan-13 18:58:43

Nope, no online ordering here...you have to go, pay and then you can subcontract a transport company to deliver it.
Got the phone handset and a halogen heater and a convection heater. Need to do some more boxing up and so on but having a little rest, will see if I can be arsed later.

Jux Sat 19-Jan-13 19:01:32

No online ordering??????? shock Bummer! Not really sensible to order in England and have it delivered from here, is it? grin

MinnieBar Sat 19-Jan-13 19:22:53

Oooh we have one of those lights for DD2 too Trib! I had completely forgotten it has a battery, duh…

Another glad to see the NC. Onwards and upwards!

Great new thread.

Look after yourself, simple things like take some multi vits and use some handcream for example. You are under a lot of pressure and house moving is so stressful.

Good luck with the move

GoodtoBetter Sat 19-Jan-13 21:32:57

Well, went through the DC's toy box (well, the one in the lounge..there are actually about 3 dotted around the house) and have managed to throw out a good sized bag of plastic tat. Still plenty more shit, but need a break tonight. Will do more sorting tmrw.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 20-Jan-13 00:03:47

Shall need a skip for our junk next time we move, well done for "losing" old toys Going.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 20-Jan-13 00:05:15

Sorry talking while typing, I meant, GoodtoBetter!

justaboutchilledout Sun 20-Jan-13 00:06:26

moving house is hell, I am impressed you are so upbeat!

GoodtoBetter Sun 20-Jan-13 06:49:28

Going to try to get a suitcase together now with summer clothes so that can be dropped off today.
She does a bit of lip wobbling from time to time and seems obsessed with small irrelevant things that aren't urgent...like cleaning the aircon filters...DH did it yday. She claims it's because she has terrible anxiety but I think it's partly true and partly a guilt trip. Is difficult now cos it's a limbo, will be better once we move cos she'll have to get on with it, which will give her an impetus (or she'll lie in bed feeling sorry for herself)...but then that's up to her. Sorry, that maybe sounds a bit harsh but I'm past caring.
Still haven't worked out the limits, i.e when to say we'll see her and the kids can see her. Need to think about that and specify days straight away. so, if we move Friday maybe say I'll pop over Sunday morning and she can come for Lunch Wednesday or something. Don't want to offer too much as I also want her to force her to stand on her own two feet but don't want her wailing she's been abandoned either and doing a big sulk. I have got the excuse that I've got shitloads to do at work and in the house and changing addresses etc int he mornings and then I'm out all afternoon. Any suggestions? Especially those with experience of toxic parents. I'm on another thread atm which says there can be no boundaries with toxic parents...but NC isn't feasible in this situation.

tribpot Sun 20-Jan-13 08:41:52

She won't lie in bed feeling sorry for herself, this is the woman who buggered off at a moment's notice to somewhere 90 mins drive away. She wants you to think she might fall apart. And btw, I would definitely stop repeating your offer to go to Ikea. Once is enough. You're letting her have power back every time you make it obvious you will run round after her - remember what we said (I think) on the other thread about this only superficially appearing to be a nice thing to do. It's not an effective management strategy.

I think the danger of having too many arrangements in place for when you've gone (as well as being exhausting) is that she'll then have something definite to try and subvert. It doesn't actually matter if she goes around saying she's been abandoned, and she might do that whatever you do - she could be saying it already. Don't think you can win the publicity war with her, she has far more time to devote to that than you do.

Why not say you'll come down on Sunday morning and you'll decide together then what day is best for lunch in the week, with the caveat that you may have to see how things go with house move admin on Monday.

2rebecca Sun 20-Jan-13 12:55:02

I agree with tribpot. The point of this move is that you start arranging your life around what is best for you and your husband and kids, not trying to please your mother all the time. She will moan regardless. If you haven't worked out the limits yet then give yourself time and don't feel pressurised into arranging anything.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 20-Jan-13 16:52:37

You're not moving to the moon, she knows that. Stick with Sunday morning, say that between work and moving and uproar you can't promise a fixed date. Quite reasonable under the circumstances and not a bit of abandonment.

If she offers to take care of DS and DD while you're up to your necks in moving, will you take her up on it or think of alternatives? It could be genuine helpfulness or They only use me when it suits them. Don't get caught out.

If you suggest a date or two what's the betting she'll bounce it right back or use it as reason to complain.

Jux Sun 20-Jan-13 17:17:49

I'd be a bit non-commital until for the first few weeks, as you really have to get your house sorted, your work done, and your settled. I know that's not really too helpful, but really you don't know how things will be, nor how long it will take to get everything sorted.

She'll almost certainly moan about it, anyway, so don't be definite at all. Pop in on Sunday if you reckon you'll be able to. Don't commit to anything else atm.

GoodtoBetter Sun 20-Jan-13 18:57:04

Yes, I think I'll say I'll pop over with the dc on Sunday, maybe go out for a coffee etc. Will have an excuse to leave on Sunday as we always go to PILs for lunch. Think I'll leave it then, she's got my number and will let her get on with things for a little while.
Feeling physically a bit crap today...sore gums and a coldsore/ulcer thing right in the corner of my mouth and feel like I could sleep for a week. Oh, and my period.
Got a HUGE list of things to do. DS' bed coming tomorrow and man coming for final removals estimate and confirmation at 10am. Then, I need to go back to ikea as friend has changed her mind about the table + chairs and also I need to get some curtain poles and have a look at basic curtains as there's a big archway into the lounge and if we can rig up some cheap curtains it means we won't have to heat the entire house when we're sitting in the lounge. DH is on DIY duty all day: fitting lights, waiting for furniture and building it, more cleaning, sorting out phone/net extension, washing line on roof etc.
Need to plan my classes now and then try to do some more packing.
I have been a VERY shouty parent today..it has been one of those days. I'm sure DM has been chortling to herself or tutting about my crapness. Will be sooooo glad to stop feeling judged all the time. Nearly there.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 20-Jan-13 19:22:56

From the distance of years you might look back at your childhood and regard it as idyllic with no shouty parents. It is hard not to feel criticised when observed at close quarters.

If that person has their own hugely disproportionate high self-regard to begin with, you'll fall short of the high bar they set you whatever you do.

Thought of you on another thread this afternoon, see you have also responded - I always admire posters who share experience and advice.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 20-Jan-13 19:26:43

(Not saying that MNers in the same boat who don't feel ready to add their voice to others' similar threads are in any way deficient in sympathy, obviously).

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