Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
drunk in charge of the children(53 Posts)
What do I do!?!?!?! Please no leave the... She necked a half bottle of vodka once she'd collected the kids (4&7). She's drunk some more and has been stumbling infront of the kids and my eldest stared crying cos mummy was hurting her, mummy was trying to give the drunks hug, you know the sort, the good intentions of the pisshead going wrong.
Do I call the police? She's asleep now. Do I call Social Services? She'll put on face and make out that its me and my anger. I've done therapy and so far I haven't been getting angry at the drinking recently... fck knows when I'll snap at the next time I find her shitfaced with the kids when I come home from work.
WTF do I do. I don't have the money to sort out somewhere else to stay for the next few weeks. I don't have any family to help. I can't afford childcare. Actually, I've got £190 quid to look after the family for the next two or so weeks (plus pay travel to work and all the other stuff).
I do love the idiot, I don't want to leave her she's rather nice when she's sober. THe kids are all at sixes and sevens. I don't want to put any additional stress into there lives--- eg upping stumps and going.
Yes I do know it would be for the best in the long run to change this environment.
Could you speak to one of your wife's real life friends and ask if they can help you look after the kids?
Do you really have no one at all that you could go to for a few days?
I sort of agree with Snorbs. This sounds like an emergency situation, with things coming to a head. While the dw cannot control her alcohol intake then op needs to take charge or find someone else to take charge if he cannot.
Your children have 2 parents op. You leaving them with her when you know she has a problem and then bemoaning it like leaving them on the road and blaming the traffic. Don't kick her out, get her some help. SS will tell expect you to care for then if you have PR. You will basically be reporting yourself for not having done so. Sorry to be harsh.
Sorry for errors. . Posting from phone
The OP has said "She'll put on face and make out that its me and my anger. I've done therapy and so far I haven't been getting angry at the drinking recently... " Snorbs.
As it seems unlikely the OP would have undertaken therapy solely in order to help him control his anger at this dw's alleged alcoholism, I find it necessary to enquire further into the nature of the therapy the OP has mentioned he's 'done' and whether his professed anger issues have any bearing on his dw's dependency on alchohol particularly as, from this and his other thread, it appears that she has a tendency to get off her face shortly before he returns home.
And how does that help op's children Izzy?
He needs to get external agencies involved. His wife's alcoholism is not going to be cured overnight.
Agreed snorbs. I haven't read a thing that would suggest it is appropriate.
Izzy, my ex used to blame me for her drinking. Didn't make it true. I went and had counselling as a result of the after-effects of my ex's alcoholism. Didn't make it my fault. Sometimes my ex tended to get off her face before I came home. It was nothing to do with me. Sometimes she'd wait until the evening. Occasionally she'd not get drunk at all. The choice was always entirely for her own reasons.
Al-Anon, the friends and family off-shoot of Alcoholics Anonymous, has as one of its mantras something that regularly gets told to partners of alcoholics - "You didn't cause their alcoholism, you can't control their alcoholism, and you can't cure their alcoholism".
Are you suggesting that Al-Anon is wrong about this and that, actually, one person can turn another person into an alcoholic against their will? Or are you suggesting that the OP has been holding down his wife and pouring booze down her throat?
How much up close and personal involvement have you had with alcoholism, izzyizin?
I had therapy solely because of how I felt because of my xh's drinking. A lot of therapy. And alleged alcoholism, 'therapy'. Hardly helpful or supportive phrases. My xh worked sober, then would disappear into pubs on the way home and get shitfaced. That had nothing to do with my behaviour, and had everything to do with the fact he was a drunk and couldn't help himself. I just find myself feeling quite annoyed with your posts izzy they do not show a great empathy or any real understanding for what it is like to have an alcoholic partner.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Tis please do provide real evidence (not google crap) for your sweeping statements. The OP being angry and frustrated at living with a drunk he loves and cannot cure, living in that codependent hell, and suddenly he is abusive. It makes me shudder that this is the conclusion that you've reached. I have met more alcoholic women than I care to, and many are close friends. None have started drinking because of their partners. Alcoholic upbringing yes, dysfunction childhoods yes, sometime just one of those things also.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I read properly and still disagree with you. Also unseemly to get angry because someone thinks you are writing something unhelpful and unsupportive. A man writes that he is distraught that his wife downs vodka and he doesn't know what he can do, and you suggest he is abusing her? That is simply disgusting and helps no one. If it was a female poster you would not be doing this.
And I always assume things from google are crap or at least to be taken with a huge handful of salt, because anyone can post anything on the web. Doesn't make it correct, or scientific, or sensible, and definitely not something that can be backed up or proven.
In the event that the OP makes contact, the questions I'm asking are ones SS or any other agency will be enquiring into.
The OP has said that, should he involve SS, his dw will make out 'it's him and his anger' and maybe if he provides more information about why he believes she would do this there'll be a way to head her off at the pass, so to speak.
I'm aware that many
seem to be under the illusion are of the view that one call to SS/police/other agency is the panacea to all ills, but it rarely works like that and it's probable that nothing much will be done unless the OP gets the police or SS round to observe his dw in full drunken flood before she's passes out.
As these incidences of the dw's drunkenness while in charge of the dc appear to take place in the early evening, hours may elapse before a night duty sw responds to a call and, therefore, on the next occasion he comes home to find her off her face, the OP's best advised to call the police so he at least has some corroborative evidence to support his allegations and refute whatever story his dw may concoct to explain/excuse herself.
Sad to say, given he mentioned his local authority as being less efficient than some, he may have to do this a number of times before any meaningful intervention takes place.
I am fully cognisant of the fact that there are 2 small dc at risk here but, while I may hope to be surprised at the alacrity with which measures are put into place to protect these dc, it's probable the OP is going to have to make a concerted effort to get the help required to keep them safe.
That said, if a passerby/neighbour or similarly unrelated person were to alert the police to the fact that she was drunk in charge of the dc in a public place, I daresay the necessary agencies would swing into action and she would rapidly, and perhaps compulsorily, be given access to the necessary resources to get her off the sauce and immediate measures would be put into place to protect the dc from her excesses in the interim.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
You didn't cause their alcoholism, you can't control their alcoholism, and you can't cure their alcoholism
I fully support the above statement which, IMO, can be equally applied to many other forms of abuse which members of our species practise on themselves and others.
It should be noted that in the OP's previous lengthy thread I made reference to Al Anon and suggested he make contact with that organisation, in addition to other agencies who are best placed to offer support and advice for his particular situation.
In seeking addtional information from the OP with a view to providing more considered advice specific to his circumstances, it was not my intention to minimalise, trivialise, marginalise, or otherwise demean in any way, the experiences of others who have been adversely affected by alcholicism.
I have adopted a policy of revealing only the most general/trivial information about my personal circumstances on this site and I mean no discourtesy by refusing to engage in any debate which may cause me to be outed in rl.
I trust the above clarification will enable this thread to stay on track and would suggest anyone who wishes to take issue with me should do so via pm, albeit that when or whether I respond will be due to a matter of what time I have available as well as any inclination I may have to do so.
Imagine she was your nanny.
You came home and found your kids hurt and the nanny drunk and in sole charge.
What would you do? Would you think that your children were getting appropriate level of care? Would you continue employing the nanny?
It would be grounds for dismissal. It would not be just neglect but gross misconduct!
Why do you accept this from a woman who is supposed to love your children?
You need to ask her to leave. She can sober up at her parents house. She needs a kick in the bum and reach rock bottom before she can climb up again.
It is not going to be you and the kids leaving, but her. The children need the status quo of living in their house.
I bet you find you have MORE money when your wife is not drinking your salary.
Go to Turn to us benefits calculator and find out what you are entitled to as a lone parent. Ask social services for help, or your gp.
Wow izzy, what a spectacular display of patronising pomposity. Nevertheless I think you've answered my question.
What PureQuintessence says is bang on the money. You wouldn't accept this kind of behaviour from a nanny or child-minder. Being a parent does not give anyone carte-blanche to treat their children badly.
No one has said she should be allowed to be drunk in charge of the children, quite the opportsite. But when any poster has started a number of threads asking for help, does not seem to have taken any steps to help themselves and then drops in what I would consider an important fact it would be questioned.
IMO the lack of posts on this newest thread speaks volumes.
Op, I will again say you both have a number of issues that need sorting urgently. You are not in a healthy relationship and your children are suffering.
OMFG. Get her out. Your children are unsafe in her care.
The reason some posters get treated differently to other posters with similar problems is often to do with tone of posting. If an OP comes across as whiny and arrogant with it, other posters might be more inclined to ask more searching questions. The OP has mentioned his 'anger issues' now, which makes me wonder if the wife is drinking quite as much as he says she is - or if he's using MN as a way to intimidate her by threatening to have her declared an unfit mother if she speaks out about his abuse of her, or disobeys him.
Funnily enough he has not returned to this thread
Perhaps the OP's dw was inebriated again tonight and he'll update this morning.
Join the discussion
Please login first.