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drunk in charge of the children

(53 Posts)
2atClaridges Thu 17-Jan-13 22:15:52

What do I do!?!?!?! Please no leave the... She necked a half bottle of vodka once she'd collected the kids (4&7). She's drunk some more and has been stumbling infront of the kids and my eldest stared crying cos mummy was hurting her, mummy was trying to give the drunks hug, you know the sort, the good intentions of the pisshead going wrong.

Do I call the police? She's asleep now. Do I call Social Services? She'll put on face and make out that its me and my anger. I've done therapy and so far I haven't been getting angry at the drinking recently... fck knows when I'll snap at the next time I find her shitfaced with the kids when I come home from work.

WTF do I do. I don't have the money to sort out somewhere else to stay for the next few weeks. I don't have any family to help. I can't afford childcare. Actually, I've got £190 quid to look after the family for the next two or so weeks (plus pay travel to work and all the other stuff).

I do love the idiot, I don't want to leave her she's rather nice when she's sober. THe kids are all at sixes and sevens. I don't want to put any additional stress into there lives--- eg upping stumps and going.

Yes I do know it would be for the best in the long run to change this environment.

Numberlock Thu 17-Jan-13 22:16:49

Didn't you start the same thread last week?

SweetSeraphim Thu 17-Jan-13 22:17:32

Did you post the other day about her bathing the children when she was pissed?

2atClaridges Thu 17-Jan-13 22:17:59

yeh! I think Ill ring the Samaritans now. Just going over the same old ground

tribpot Thu 17-Jan-13 22:19:14

She won't be able to cover her drinking well enough to convince Social Services she doesn't have a problem. You do know what you need to do.

Start by getting yourself along to Al-Anon if you do nothing else. And think very hard about what you're subjecting your children to because you are unable to think of a way out of this that won't upset her.

You were given some good advice on your other thread take some of that.

SweetSeraphim Thu 17-Jan-13 22:20:29

Trouble is.... and please don't take this the wrong way - but people gave you loads of advice the other day and you just sort of ignored it.

You need to get you and your children out of the situation. I know you don't have any money... but you can't carry on like this. What if she unintentionally hurts one of the kids?

SweetSeraphim Thu 17-Jan-13 22:21:43

Again - please don't think I'm being mean - but women that post this about their male partners, they are told to leave. Because it's the right thing to do. It's the only thing you can do.

SweetSeraphim Thu 17-Jan-13 22:22:31

Have you asked her to leave?

Flojobunny Thu 17-Jan-13 22:30:22

Oh dear. I started a similar thread the other day. Difference is I was that woman! 'AIBU to be drunk in sole charge of DC', I had the shittest day ever and was so anxious I was climbing the walls and needed something to take the pain away. But even then I waited til DC were in bed and managed to stop at 2 and take stock.
You need to take drastic action in order for her to realise how serious this is, cos clearly she doesn't think it is.

izzyizin Fri 18-Jan-13 02:31:32

As you were told repeatedly on your other thread, you don't need to leave the family home, but she does.

But what is this 'therapy' you've done? Did your anger manifest itself before your dw started drinking in front of the dc?

Has she always had a problem with alcohol? How long has she been drinking in front of the dc? Has there been any signficant factor such as a bereavement or other lifechanging event that may have caused her to turn to the bottle for consolation?

2atClaridges Fri 18-Jan-13 06:47:11

Reading the advice is one thing I accept it and I know what I've basically got to do. Steeling myself to do it is an entirely different thing. I'm in a kind of locked into knowing what should be done, finding a way and means of doing it and then actually doing it.

I posted on your other thread too

Please, please listen to some of the advice you were given by the other posters, there was some excellent advice.

You already know this cant continue. But I'm afraid you have to accept you have to do something

You cannot continue to leave your wife in charge of 2 young children drunk.
If something was to happen to your children, SS will get involved.
Are you waiting for someone to take this out of your hands and solve the problem for you?

"Steeling myself to do it is an entirely different thing"

Indeed, but you really have no other option or choice but to face this head on now and properly. What you have tried to date has not worked and you're stuck in enabling and codependent roles. Being so does not help either you or your wife and only gives you a false sense of control.

Alcoholism is a family disease; its not just about the alcoholic.

Your 4 and 7 year old children are not too young to not notice what is happening at home and them having an alcoholic parent within the home is damaging to them. It does and will affect them markedly.

ZorbaTheHoarder Fri 18-Jan-13 07:01:31

Hello Claridges, I remember your last thread and I really sympathise with you. It is a horrible situation and no one wants to involve the police or social services in their lives - it must feel very daunting. BUT, there comes a time in everyone's life where they have to bite the bullet and take control of the situation. Your first and most important role at the moment is to protect your children - they are being hurt, physically and mentally, by your wife's actions and have no one but you to help them. I know you love your wife, but she will be able to sort herself out in time - if she really wants to. Your children cannot do anything to protect themselves. Be strong and make one phone call to social services or the police and you will find that the practical details will sort themselves out. Please find the strength within yourself to save your children from potential disaster. Good luck,

Snorbs Fri 18-Jan-13 07:41:01

Right now, as you are together Social Services would expect you to step up and exercise your duty of care to protect your children. It is only if Social Services thought that you could not be relied upon to do this would they intervene. You could try giving the NSPCC a call.

Alcoholics are great at presenting you with situations where there isn't a "best" option and you just have to find a "least worst". It downright sucks not least because you find yourself having to makethese horrible decisions when it's not your fault it's all turned to shit.

Your wife is doing what alcoholics do. She's blowing off her responsibilities in favour of getting drunk. It's nothing personal against you or your children, it's just how it is.

But here is how I read your message: "I'm in a cage with a bear. Sometimes the bear lets me tickle it under the chin, but sometimes it mauls me and the kids. Even though the door is unlocked, I don't want to just get out of the cage and I don't want to put the bear out of the cage. What do I do?"

AlienReflux Fri 18-Jan-13 07:48:04

2At this way you are choosing, is not working, you could be days or hours from a life changing disaster, it's not if the children get hurt it's when and that's just physically,they are already mentally suffering. Had to say that.

So, if you ring SS, and exp;ain your situation, they will help you find a way through, have you spoke to your wife about you doing this? does she know how near breaking you are?

Please do something.

missmapp Fri 18-Jan-13 07:55:02

Is there anyway you can take the dcs and stay with family for the weekend to think things through? You need space and the knowledge your dcs are safe to make these decisions.
Go to Alanon , people there have been in your situation and will be able to help and support you.

Letsmakecookies Fri 18-Jan-13 10:14:10

2At - I empathise with how difficult this is for you, I was in a situation that was not dissimilar, except my xh was seldom looking after the children. I posted, heard sensible advice from Attila and SGB and others. Ignored it, because it is so hard to see what needs to be done when you are in the middle of all of this. I nearly had a complete breakdown and a lot of therapy before I finally got it through my head what I needed to do. And it is not the easy way out. I had less money than you when I kicked my xh out. Still do.

For me, the biggest catalyst was, realising that nothing would ever change, and realising that I could not learn to live with it. That combined with meeting some truly wonderful adult children of alcoholics and seeing first hand the enormous damage it does to a child, living in that environment. It is devastating to them, it affects them for their whole lives. Some become addicts or alcoholics themselves, some grow up feeling worthless and shack up with partners who remind them of their childhood (i.e. alcoholics) and the pattern repeats. One lady I met, her daughter (teen) was so affected by her alcoholic dad she tried to kill herself. It is devasting. I knew that I could not put my children through that. But it took a few years to get to that realisation. I wish I had put my emotional blinkers on and just listened to the people giving me advice earlier on. It is hard. But if you don't make a change, nothing will change. Your alcoholic will not wake up one morning having seen the light. She has no reason to change, and whatever is eating her up so much inside that she needs to numb it with vodka that is still firmly there until she realises she has to face it sober. Which may never happen.

If you don't do anything else go along to Al Anon. See your GP. Talk to a therapist. Tell family and friends and get support. Tell the school, they might be able to support you and the children. Don't keep it secret. Tell SS perhaps they can support you while you sort things out.

I know what would have happened to me if I had stayed. I would have ended up so desperate I would have killed myself. Because I could not live with a situation I could not fix through sheer will power. Unless you do something, anything, nothing will get better for you. Just call up Al Anon and find out when the next meeting is, go and listen.

porridgeLover Fri 18-Jan-13 11:42:42

2atC, I also posted on your last thread.
I sympathise with your difficulty formulating a plan to change things.
It must be very draining, frightening, exhausting dealing with your daily life as it is.

It seems to me that you are looking for excuses to leave things as they are, no doubt because changing is scary.

But I will echo others here. The decision will be taken out of your hands and will be far worse for you and your DC if you do not take the initiative.

Make a commitment to yourself to do one thing today, be it tel Al-Anon or SS. Or asking family to help. Do something today.

TisILeclerc Fri 18-Jan-13 12:11:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Fri 18-Jan-13 12:14:36

Hmm I don't remember you mentioning your issues priviously, could this be where her issues have stemmed from? Do you need to give her the support shes given you?

izzyizin Fri 18-Jan-13 12:14:40

I'd very much like to know more about this 'therapy' you've had/are having and, more specifically, whether it came about because of your anger or other related issues.

I'd also like to know when your dw's drinking began and whether you can recall some external event, or anything you may have done, which caused her to seek refuge in alcohol.

Snorbs Fri 18-Jan-13 12:24:05

You know, I've posted on a lot of Mumsnet threads about people struggling to deal with alcoholic partners. On none of those have I ever seen the poster get asked if their partner's drinking could have been triggered by something the poster had done.

I wonder what makes this thread so different?

SweetSeraphim Fri 18-Jan-13 12:30:44

I agree Snorbs.

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