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Wifework. How to make an otherwise lovely man pull his fucking weight?

(147 Posts)
InNeatCognac Thu 17-Jan-13 10:04:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FergusSingsTheBlues Fri 18-Jan-13 14:01:12

fastidia, not trained like dawgs! Tis an unfortunate fact that many foolish mummies in previous generations did not expect much from their sons in terms of domestic input. My dh is one of them, sadly. My son is showing promise as a tidy wee boy because he is beginning to do things automatically. My dh is pretty good now, but the first couple of years consisted of me saying things like "empty the dishwasher please" "can you make the bed" etc cos im no skivvy. The final hurdles are breaking the socksonthefloor habit.

Whats wrong with the word training? Hes trained me to be more careful eith money, by nature i chuck it about and hes a tightfisted git in some ways, so we are a good match. We can all learn from our partners.

badinage Fri 18-Jan-13 14:07:21

Foolish mummies?

What about lazy, sefish and entitled Daddies?

Why don't you mention them eh?

Stop blaming women for men's behaviour

God give me strength.......

brainonastick Fri 18-Jan-13 14:09:04

I think Eldritch has hit the nail on the head with the idea of 'functional decision making'. Whatever the problem, the partners in a relationship need to be able to discuss and agree on a course of action like adults, including making some compromises for the mutual benefit of both. It sounds like the OP is the one making all the compromises here, and the dh is making none, and doesn't feel that it is important that he does so. That's the problem in a nutshell.

FergusSingsTheBlues Fri 18-Jan-13 14:16:46

Whether we like it or not, most of the men who do f all around the house were raised by indulgent mothers who let them get away with it. And most of us im sure had mothers who did the vast majority of the housework and child rearing while dads went out to work. And some of those mothers happily slaved after their sons like they did their husbands.

My husband is 40. He had a typical seventies upbrining in that sense. Im quite sure that any families where fathers were enlightened and pulling their weight around the house in those days were NOT raising useless boys. My husband was spoiled. My son is not.

expatinscotland Fri 18-Jan-13 14:51:50

'But don't write him off as useless just because in his younger days he wasn't bothered about having lots of nice stuff.'

Where did I state that material things and 'lots of nice stuff' has anything to do with looking after yourself such as picking up your own dirty clothes, throwing away your wrappers, etc. All the things that make a place not look like a hovel?

And look how he is now. An adult who can't be arsed to take basic care of their lives is . . . an adult who can't be arsed to take basic care of their lives.

I don't find anything adorable or lovely, either, about laziness.

InNeatCognac Fri 18-Jan-13 15:08:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

badinage Fri 18-Jan-13 15:11:21

Ok if we're talking in generalities and stereotypes here and you're saying that seventies mums did everything in the home and expected their kids and husbands to do fuck all, how come so many of their 40-something daughters learnt how to clean a loo and use a washing machine when they got a home of their own?

Neither of my parents showed me how to do those things, but I had to learn as soon as I became a responsible adult. If I still couldn't or wouldn't do those things in my forties, I can't see many men blaming my mum or dad for indulging me. They'd quite rightly blame me for being a lazy fuckwit who saw it as someone else's responsibility and not mine.

expatinscotland Fri 18-Jan-13 15:18:42

My idea of a hovel, and I saw a few in my dating days, and also hovel cars, is a real mess. People who don't seem to know what a bin is, or bleach or soap.

Flisspaps Fri 18-Jan-13 15:27:41

Yay for the new car. Good work grin

theoriginalandbestrookie Fri 18-Jan-13 15:41:56

So glad you got your new car - so important to have a reliable one in this weather.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 18-Jan-13 15:52:07

Yy badinage. These men whose indulgent mums did everything for them - did they live at home till they got married? Or did they spend at least some time in halls/bedsits/flat shares and therefore have to learn some basic life skills if not already taught.

I never had a hoovering lesson, a washing up lesson, a cooking lesson except at school. I figured it out, same as DH did.

Also to the PP who mentioned different standards not being the problem - DH is much tidier than I am and that is a bit of a problem (he does blitzes, I do a bit at a time). That's different standards. But we both like to eat, to go to work in clean clothes, to not scrape dried food off our plates before we eat - so we both cook, launder and load the dishwasher. Different standards there would be one doing beans on toast and the other beef Wellington, not one doing nothing while the other does everything.

TreadOnTheCracks Fri 18-Jan-13 15:52:17

Try leaving the laptop open on this page?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-528682/Men-housework-sex-wives.html

I hope you find a solution.

My DH has his set jobs which he does,, bed changing, bathing kids, bins etc, but I did have to put my foot down, throw a few strops (and show him this article) to get there.

TreadOnTheCracks Fri 18-Jan-13 15:52:31
ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 18-Jan-13 15:54:43

OOh lovely smile

What did he say - or hasn't he seen it yet?

InNeatCognac Fri 18-Jan-13 16:17:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FastidiaBlueberry Fri 18-Jan-13 16:23:46

"most of the men who do f all around the house were raised by indulgent mothers who let them get away with it."

So their fathers didn't have any input into their upbringing then?

JustFabulous Fri 18-Jan-13 16:33:06

But you can't. As you are knackered and you have a whole thread about it.

OneMoreChap Tue 22-Jan-13 21:06:47

TreadOnTheCracks

Oh please! A link from the Daily Fascist? that, moreover says:

A survey found that "house-husbands" who do laundry, washing up and ironing also spend more time in bed with their female partners as a reward for their work.

Incidentally, OP, if he's making you feel like this he's not a lovely man. No cleaner? Who made him the boss of you?

Inertia Tue 22-Jan-13 22:24:10

Glad you are getting the car.

Totally agree with Expat and Ginnybag's posts above. Given what you've said about his approach to what he regards as wasting money,it might be worth pointing out that you'll lose a hell of a lot more than the wages of a cleaner if your childcare setting is deemed unsatisfactory by Ofsted. And that if basic daily clearing up isn't done then you'll need to have the cleaner come more often.

Your house is your workplace, and it needs to be maintained to appropriate levels of cleanliness. A cleaner won't solve all the problems caused by him not thinking about what needs doing, but it'll free up a chunk of your time to enable the jobs to be more fairly shared.

FastidiaBlueberry Tue 22-Jan-13 22:34:36

Well actually, every time a study is done it shows that there is a correlation between how much sex a man has and how much housework he does.

Of course some people are stuck in the mindset that this is because women as the gatekeepers of sex, are doling out "rewards" in the shape of sex. Sex is something they perceive as something women "give" men and men "get" from women, not something two people enjoy together.

But for people who don't buy that version of sex, the "more sex" thing is explained by the absence of that low-level simmering resentment that appears to be a feature of so many hetero-normative relationships and a genuine love and affection which means that women actually want more sex. It's very hard to respect someone who is freeloading off your labour and it's very hard to feel sexual desire for someone you don't respect very much. Also, if one person isn't physically doing all the housework, she's going to have higher energy reserves than another person who is. It's not rocket science, is it?

OneMoreChap Wed 23-Jan-13 15:01:35

* FastidiaBlueberry*

Of course some people are stuck in the mindset that this is because women as the gatekeepers of sex, are doling out "rewards" in the shape of sex. Sex is something they perceive as something women "give" men and men "get" from women, not something two people enjoy together.

as the Daily Nazi suggests, oddly enough.

As I said, if he's making you feel like this he's not a lovely man. and I'm amazed the OP tolerates him, never mind sleeps with him.

FastidiaBlueberry Wed 23-Jan-13 21:19:15

Are you?

I'm not.

Women are constantly told that to consider how much housework men do as a dealbreaker or a really important test of his character, is berserk. It's trivial, we're told, FGS if he's lovely in every other way, let that minor thing go - if you don't, it's because you're obviously shallow and have issues, this is simply too trivial to discuss. Regularly on Mumsnet, people are desperate to tell OP's with the same complaint, that this is not worth focusing on.

In that cultural context, why is it surprising that lots of women have a blind spot about this? That's what we're supposed to have.

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