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Wifework. How to make an otherwise lovely man pull his fucking weight?

(147 Posts)
InNeatCognac Thu 17-Jan-13 10:04:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 17-Jan-13 10:09:24

I don't want to do it all.

Help me.

This is what you tell him. Not us.

InNeatCognac Thu 17-Jan-13 10:14:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InNeatCognac Thu 17-Jan-13 10:14:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

If he didn't keep up his share of the chores then I'd go right ahead and employ a cleaner.

mindosa Thu 17-Jan-13 10:23:21

Don't cook for him. Eat earlier with the children and tell him to look after himself because you cant do everything.

I did this and it worked a treat!

thefudgeling Thu 17-Jan-13 10:24:06

Watching with interest - I have the same problem. The only sense I can make of it is that his standards are way lower than mine. I am insisting on a cleaner though as I'm going back to work FT. Perhaps you could tell him it's non-negotiable?

elastamum Thu 17-Jan-13 10:24:06

Dont ask him. Hire a cleaner. Would'nt you rather have a row than a life of domestic slavery? I would

flowery Thu 17-Jan-13 10:24:06

Put your foot down about a cleaner.

Tell him firmly he's not doing his fair share and you are at breaking point from working 11 hours a day and doing it all, therefore it's up to him, in one month you are getting a cleaner if he isn't consistently doing his fair share without nagging, and the same will apply ongoing.

expatinscotland Thu 17-Jan-13 10:24:57

Puts his foot down about a cleaner? Fuck that. It's your lives together.

Get a cleaner.

InNeatCognac Thu 17-Jan-13 10:25:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brainonastick Thu 17-Jan-13 10:25:50

I would think you could claim a cleaner as a tax deductible expense? Would that sweeten the pill for your DH?

I agree, I would set out tasks for the week, fortnight, month. Agree you will ask him no more than 3 times, then you get a cleaner.

As you work from home, it is very easy for him to slip into the mentality that it is all your responsibility. Well, if it is all your responsibility, then it is also up to you to be able to decide that a cleaner is needed (assuming affordable of course). No arguments.

elastamum Thu 17-Jan-13 10:27:09

It seems he is getting his hobby time at your expense.

Work out how much leisure time you both get to pursue your hobbies and put it on a calender. Insist that this should be equal, so you either get a cleaner or he doesnt more so you do less. Put it all down in writing so he can see it.

Grit your teeth and stand your ground.

SueFawley Thu 17-Jan-13 10:27:17

Well, you've said that he will do anything you ask him to. That's a good starting point. Although I understand that you don't want to have to ask him every time.
But because he will actually do things when he's asked, I think you have a choice. Either, don't ask him to do something and feel resentful and put upon. (Understandably).
Or do ask him, he does it and you may feel slightly resentful that you had to ask yet again, but at least the job is done and you won't feel so put upon.

bigkidsdidit Thu 17-Jan-13 10:27:50

What flowery said.

elastamum Thu 17-Jan-13 10:27:54

He does more! Sorry

TigerFeet Thu 17-Jan-13 10:27:54

GEt a cleaner. You're doing the work, you decide whether or not you get to outsource it. If he doesn't like it, tell him that when he consistently pulls his weight for (say) a month, you'll let the cleaner go.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 17-Jan-13 10:28:06

Get the bloody cleaner. He's not doing the work. You don't want to do the work. Pay someone to do it and you both win.

ClaraBean Thu 17-Jan-13 10:28:14

I agree with BeerTricks . Can you afford a cleaner? I think if you can, you just need to get one. It is unfair to expect you to do everything, you have asked him, and asked him, and he is still not helping you. So you make the choice to get a cleaner. Having a cleaner wont affect him at all, and will make a world of difference to you.
I hate housework. It is just relentless. You have my sympathy!
I must say you are lucky that he does baths, bed times and clubs most nights though. Dh is still at work at this time for us. I would love to not do bedtimes for once!

Bonsoir Thu 17-Jan-13 10:29:42

Why are you asking his permission to get a cleaner (and a dishwasher - you need one)?

elastamum Thu 17-Jan-13 10:29:48

Write a rota of the stuff he is to do. Put it on the fridge. Refer to it every single day and insist he does his bit before going off to his hobbies. demand your share of leisure time

Show him this thread.

Blu Thu 17-Jan-13 10:30:15

You've put your foot down over him taking his share, and he has ignored it.
So ignore his put-down-foot and employ a cleaner.

You both work long hours, and have a busy schedule. You need a reasonably clean home to do your professional job. So get one. And get a dishwasher!

We both work f/t and it is v stressful managing kids, work etc without help.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 17-Jan-13 10:30:15

Stop doing his own chores - laundry, ironing, cooking, shopping etc.

InNeatCognac Thu 17-Jan-13 10:30:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Abitwobblynow Thu 17-Jan-13 10:31:00

This is an assertiveness issue. For you.

The hardest thing about housework for immature lazy people to accept (I was brought up spoiled) is to absolutely swallow and accept two unpleasant facts:

1. it is deeply unrewarding because it always gets undone and
2. it never ends.

He has, like I did, learned to avoid these unpleasant facts because like I did he has learned that if he doesn't do it, you will.

So you need to change that behaviour (of doing it all yourself and getting all tied up in what he ISN'T doing) and calmly confront him and not give up. Spend 5 mins telling him all the lovely stuff about him, how much you love him his glorious big cock and how much he does for you. Then tell him that you don't feel that in this one and only area he acts as your team mate and that you feel let down and alone. Agree with him it is shit and never ends, but it just has to get done and can he meet you on this? Point out the benefits: if he leaves it all to you you get grumpy, and if you feel helped you are happy and more loving.

Give the final ultimatum: that you are really trying to talk about this, and how important it is to you, and if he doesn't choose to hear your sense of unfairness and be your team mate, you are going to employ a cleaner.

Then employ a cleaner.

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