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Another man with a Sex Drive Thread

(47 Posts)
Sweden99 Wed 16-Jan-13 19:55:43

Hello,

Excuse a man and one without a kid posting. I would like to know if anyone found their sex drive plummet immediately after getting married?

Nothing has changed with me, but my wife has lost interest. Certainly, I have tried romance, subtle and not subtle, stayed in shape, I am the only one that works (which is not something she has a problem with) and we split housework. No kids, so it is not tiredness.

I was worn out for a while, working long hours and sorting out our move and many domestic tasks, but we are settled now, and that would seem more a reason for me to lose libido anyway.

There is plenty written about loss of libido after having a kid, but not before trying for one and it is not something I hear about.

NishiNoUsagi Wed 16-Jan-13 20:47:47

What nationality are you, and what nationality is she? Has she lived the UK before, or is this her first time away from her home country? Sorry for the barrage of questions, but I'm in an international marriage too so I might be able to offer some perspective. My DH has found life in the UK pretty hard at times, and while he hasn't lost his sex drive it has shown up in other ways.

Do also agree with Spero though that she needs to help you help her a little, it's tough to try to figure out what she's thinking by yourself. Especially if you come from different cultures then it's nigh on impossible wink

NishiNoUsagi Wed 16-Jan-13 20:51:29

clipped Is it not ok to fall in love with someone because they're kind and caring? hmm

catwisd Wed 16-Jan-13 20:51:36

And why doesn't she work? Does she plan to once her language skills are better? (Are you in Sweden? I missed that. So is English her first language and she's learning Swedish?)

ClippedPhoenix Wed 16-Jan-13 20:52:50

She now does all the housework too.

Portofino Wed 16-Jan-13 20:57:26

My dad met a lovely woman in China once on business. She was just lovely and kind and all that, til my dad's divorce came through and she got right to remain in the UK. When her passport came through she moved into the spare room.....

I think he used proverbial to avoid saying piss in the first instance...

'She's not taking the piss'

Welovecouscous Wed 16-Jan-13 20:58:34

I read the op proverbial comment as defending the dw (pre-emptively) from people saying she was freeloading

ClippedPhoenix Wed 16-Jan-13 21:01:50

Surely people should be looking for an equal these days?

The word "proverbial" means that she's not performing in my understanding.

Welovecouscous Wed 16-Jan-13 21:03:19

He meant she is contributing equally.

'She's not taking the proverbial' means 'she's not taking the piss', he was being polite which has caused loads of confusion, hence why I don't bother...

gingerpig Wed 16-Jan-13 21:35:50

Do you still feel emotionally connected, and does she? for example do you talk a lot on a deep level? I have lost interest in a boyfriend before where I loved him dearly - but more as a friend than a lover. and I believe the change came when I stopped feeling a deep emotional connection with him.

BunFagFreddie Thu 17-Jan-13 03:09:03

what does not taking the proverbial mean OP?

Taking the proverbial piss innit.

Could the issue be related to when or if you plan to have children?

Would she like to start trying for a baby but you'd rather wait? She may feel sex is pointless if it's not to get pregnant. Or she might be withholding sex in the hope that you'll change your mind knowing that trying for a baby will mean having sex again.

Or does she definitely not want a baby right now and is worried that despite using a contraceptive she may still get pregnant.

It does sound like there's been a lot of change for her, especially the move to a country where she doesn't speak the language. If these changes were more your choice than hers then she may resent you a little.

Don't initiate sex for a while. Try to be loving in other ways and take the pressure to have sex off of you both. You may find that once the pressure's off she will be more tactile and after a while things will go further. If things don't improve after a couple of months it might be time to consider some outside help?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 17-Jan-13 07:24:11

" I was considered rather a catch over there"

That's an odd thing to say. Where is 'over there' and would you not be considered 'a catch' somewhere else?

Spero Thu 17-Jan-13 09:01:43

I don't usually agree that there is an anti man bias on these kind of threads, but on this one I think there is. Why so much nit picking on what op says. He thinks he was considered a catch over there. That seems pretty easy to understand. He thinks he would have been generally viewed as someone with positive things to bring to the relationship table. If a women had said that, would it garner any negative comment??

If what you are saying is that you think this is a tale of some poor Thai bride scooped up by some horrible middle aged man with gross sense of entitlement, then say so. All this nudge, nudge, stuff isn't helping.

But it doesn't really matter what your ethnic origins are does it? This is two people in a relationship who aren't apparently very happy at the moment which is a shame. So either you talk to each other and find out what is going on and whether or not you can forge a genuine partnership through life - which I think as a single person must be pretty amazing and I would love to have the opportunity to try - or you realise that you can't meet each other's needs and you separate with as much respect and dignity as you can manage.

But unless you sort out the communication, you are probably going to be on an unhappy merry go round for the next few years.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 17-Jan-13 09:42:10

Sorry, but if this was an older woman who had gone abroad where she was considered 'a catch', brought home a young husband, and then discovered that he'd gone right off her sexually... I think the 'nudge nudge' conclusion would equally be that he'd only married her for the citizenship/green card/visa/money etc.

Spero Thu 17-Jan-13 09:46:20

Well say so then! if op has been married just for a chance to come to the UK, then of course his 'marriage' is dead in the water.

Either way, they have still got to talk about what they do next. or live side by side in some festering weird pot of resentment for the next decade. Which seems to be what so many people do.

Sweden99 Thu 17-Jan-13 18:27:52

Thank you for the many replies. My wife is American and from a smarter background than I am, I should have mentioned that earlier - sorry for that. British men are very popular in the USA, to the extent some colleagues were bewildered I was not sticking to models etc. I knew that was silly though.

We are now in Sweden. She had not travelled and was anxious to do so, I had a home in Sweden, so it was easy enough.

Spero, I was not clear about the circumstances. I do not feel it the thread has been particularly anti-man - certainly better than the misogyny of a comments thread in the on-line newspapers. I should have been clearer in the first place about our circumstances. Thank you for your understanding - it is good to chat about the issues with people who do not know my wife so I can let it out (I would not feel right chatting to my friends, I feel dodgy enough writing to strangers).

OldBagWantsNewBag, you might be onto something. I would like kids, she is well aware of this. If this is the issue, I would prefer the lack of sex to being childless. She is having a good time and I wonder if she would rather forgo kids, it would be difficult for her to bring up, as we spoke about this sort of thing before the wedding (she would be working, and we would have kids).

We spoke again. That is clearly the way forward.

Thank you for providing a sounding board. I cannot talk to friends as they know who I am talking about. This allowed me to clear my head and feel clearer.

Spero Thu 17-Jan-13 23:05:22

good luck with the talking, hope you can work it out.

Sweden99 Thu 30-Jan-14 08:24:32

Sorry to revive a dead thread. I have seen a few of these in the internet when occasionally looking for advice and it was always an irritation.

Things have changed a great deal in the meantime. I had a pay rise, so I did not have to work as much overtime to make ends meet. I did get minor illnesses a lot though, and went to Doctor about it. He promptly diagnosed severe depression and adviesd us both that I should work as little as possible.

I later told my wife that we would have to look at getting divorced, as my mental health would not survive the marriage. She was shocked at the suggestion of divorce and has helped me with the housework since then.

With the rest, talk was easier. It seems that as I would have to do housework if I was single anyway, she did not really consider it her job. Equally, I would have bills to pay if I was single, so the financial contribution was not really her thing, or rather anything she could give was just a bonus.

She also encouraged me to talk to friends if I was finding marriage hard (she does genuinely worry about my welfare, which may not come over very well). I did, and they pretty much advised me to divorce. They were not blind and had been concerned. I ended up shouting at her one day (not something I am proud of) and agreed to marriage counsellng.

People often think of Scandinavia as a feminist paradise, but marriage guidance here is different to the UK. At these sessions, I have been told that I am doing great, hold on. My wife has been advised to "Get over herself" and on communication; "Have you tried listening to what he actually says". There is no presumption of guilt on the man as there often is in the UK.

The advice has been to put of any long term decisions like kids until the summer and reassess married life then. I take that to mean, give it until the summer to improve and then get a divorce if it does not. My wife takes it to mean I wait until the summer, calm down and then stop worrying about having kids. She does take the counseller seriously, who hears both sides of the story help (her friends would hear that my poor wife is having to cope bravely with a husband who works too hard).

Oddly, we are getting on better than ever before. Things like her making me a cup of tea mean a huge amount. The cliche about getting out of marriage what you put in is true as it turns out. I have gained a huge amount of emotional independence and self respect in the last year. I fear my wife is losing a great deal of self-respect and is becoming slightly self indulgent in its place, which is not helping her I fear. I have also had time for meditation, which I have always been interested in (together with beer and rugby league, so as not to give a misleading impression).

This reply is not really for general reading, but I did stumble across thread like this one that just ended. A year later, I feel much better and far more optimisitic. Even my resting heart rate has fallen from 70+ to the late 40s.

As for advice, I have nothing useful really. Self-awareness seems to be everything and can be hard to face. meditation is good for me, but I was brought up with it (It is very important for some in the Catholic Church).

normalishdude Thu 30-Jan-14 09:57:50

Great to see a positive update- glad all is going better. Best wishes with it all to you both.

Sweden99 Thu 30-Jan-14 10:06:55

Thanks, normalishdude. I never thought I could be in a marriage with a woman I love, that is heading for divorce and still feel OK. It is possible though. The hard lesson is you cannot take full responsibility for someone else's happiness.

I spoke with my very good Catholic parents about this recently. They were very supportive, indeed, they are paying for us ot have a holiday to the USA. The hope is that she will feel more relaxed and more able to take responsibility afterwards (a long shot, but possible and very kind). My little sister has been my main confidente, and is one of the few who advised me to stick at it.

It may sound daft on a forum like this, but it has made me realise how utterly selfless husbands have to be, which is rather humbling and heartening.

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