Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How to get rid of my abusive ex

(44 Posts)
timetofaceit Tue 15-Jan-13 19:44:13

So I finally got rid of him, well so I thought! I was with him for over a year, I have 2 children, he has a terrible temper and when he looses it he is very scary. He has threatened to throw me out the car, shouted as us all whilst driving on the motorway, we were all crying apart from him! It was a very scary experience. I had to call the police once as he became threatening and smashing up my house while my children were there, he would not leave! There's so much thats happened there's too much to put here, but he is very controlling, a bully and I am still frightened of him as I am on my own and know what he is capable of.

He won't leave me alone, like everytime I have tried to leave, he never lived with me so has his own house so could of been worse. But I think now I went back 6 maybe 7 times, however I have been determined this time to stay away, I don't miss him, I don't need him and I want him to stay away. I have called the police for advice as I know how persistant he is. Calling, texting, e mailing, sitting on my drive, crying messages, leaving flowers. Now he is trying please let me see the kids as I miss them (he isn't their father) I just think its all part of the manipulation. After numerous texts and emails which I ignored. I said 'Please leave us alone, its time for us all to move on, I don't feel its in their best interest to see you.' They don't miss him at all and are very happy children. He started to get a little threatening saying 'are u trying to tick me off? U really don't want to. Follwed by a phonecall I ignored! This is getting me down as I just want to get on with my life now without worrying about what he will do next. Anyone got any advice, who maybe has been through this?

HotDAMNlifeisgood Sat 19-Jan-13 11:04:08

Well done on calling the police! It was the right move, and I'm glad they are being helpful.

Excellent, glad to hear this.

Wishing you strength op.

timetofaceit Fri 18-Jan-13 14:59:11

police coming out tomorrow..... but said if he comes round or anything before to call them, they were prett good actually :-)

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Fri 18-Jan-13 11:34:27

Btw, I am not wanting to get you more on edge. You are doing so well in being in touch with police, logging details, etc. I think that thought may help you resist him trying to manipulate you into giving him access / contact for the DCs.

kalidanger Fri 18-Jan-13 11:32:35

Please stop dithering about calling the police. You can't handle this, nor should you have to, so let them do it.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Fri 18-Jan-13 11:29:09

So:
- The kids are not his.
- He is violent and unstable.
- He keeps banging on seeing the kids.

In this situation, I would worry that he would hurt the kids to hurt me to be honest. Will you mention his insistence on seeing the kids to the police? Please do. I think it is relevant for the police to offer better response.

Well done on being so strong so far. It really takes so much energy.

foolonthehill Fri 18-Jan-13 11:27:48

you are not stupid, they are good at what they do...clever, manipulative and they work out your weak spots.
don't be down on yourself...be angry with him. no normal person does this to someone they are not with anymore. it is not love it is all about posession.

timetofaceit Fri 18-Jan-13 10:37:44

I feel stupid I let him make me feel like that and he was still shouting down the phone like I'm the one in the wrong for ignoring his calls. He says he doesn't want to get over me, it is worrying he seems so obsessed! I will call the police as over the weekend I'm stuck here by myself so I'll just be on edge! Thank u for your words you've really helped me!

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 18-Jan-13 10:20:08

I really am better not speaking to him but he doesn't understand why we can't be at least friends,

You don't want to speak to him, so don't. There is no law forcing you to, and you owe him nothing. Please believe that yourself!

Doesn't matter what he does or doesn't understand: that's his issue, not your problem. Stick to what you know is right for you.

Since he's using underhand ways to get in touch with you (unknown number), then I would really recommend you change your SIM card. You've only just left, you still have tons of conflicting feelings about this man that he can play on, skilfully, as he is an arch-manipulator. Just save yourself the grief and hassle and give yourself some breathing space by changing any means he has of contacting you (phone, e-mail)

Good luck, keep strong. Be proud of yourself for being so quick to recognise his manipulation and sense of entitlement now!

IAmNotAMindReader Fri 18-Jan-13 10:14:47

Get in touch with the police now he is escalating his behaviour and you can no longer deal with this on your own.

The proof of that is he nearly wore you down when you answered the unkown number.

The police will take this seriously and if he calls from an unkown number again i know you have to answer calls for your business but as soon as you know its him hang up, don't let him say another thing and contact the police each time.

He knows you don't want to hear from him that's why he is upping the ante and trying to stay in control by using other numbers. He will try to wear you down and intimidate you into submission.

Keep all records and use it as evidence to go for a non molestation order. Getting in back up is the only way he is going to listen now and understand you are not as easy a target as he thinks.

timetofaceit Fri 18-Jan-13 10:13:04

No I didn't, but what is scary is he started to make me feel perhaps he has got a right! To feel sorry for him, this is why I have gone back to him so many times. At least I can see it now, but goes to show just how manipulating these guys are, I can't believe I was falling for it even for 30 secs. I really am better not speaking to him but he doesn't understand why we can't be at least friends, and said please don't go with anyone else......thats up to me isn't it.....not that I want to grrrrrrr

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 18-Jan-13 10:07:21

You are perfectly entitled to hang up on him and not give him your time.

Says it all that he uses underhand methods to get in touch with you. Not really respecting your stated desire to be left in peace, is he? Twat.

Sugarice Fri 18-Jan-13 10:05:20

He's vile, do not engage with him at all.

You didn't agree to any meet up with him did you?

timetofaceit Fri 18-Jan-13 10:00:37

OMG he got me today, he rang from a different number and I answered it, I should of hung up he went on and on about how he misses the kids, and just wants to see them now and again as friends! He's so bloody persuading and controlling I nearly agreed OMFG! Till I got off the phone and had a very large word with myself. He's so controlling he always makes you see it from his point of view even if its wrong. He could sell snow to an eskimo! He thinks I'm being very unfair not allowing him to see them, as he wanted to watch them grow up......but its about them not him, they don't even mention him!!!!

More than enough given the history, keep letting them know each time or each day, log it all with them.

Arithmeticulous Wed 16-Jan-13 19:51:50

Yes. Do it.

timetofaceit Wed 16-Jan-13 19:43:28

so today 9 missed calls that I didn't answer and 2 texts, is that enough to call the police with?

timetofaceit Wed 16-Jan-13 17:05:48

meant to say not sure if should let the calls etc come, so I have evidence for police etc

timetofaceit Wed 16-Jan-13 16:40:38

my technical ability is not great but trying to download an app to block calls,,,but then I'm sure if I should just let them come, ignore and involve police!?

I would suggest talking to a solicitor about a non-molestation order, Log everything he does, save messages, emails txt's etc. Keep reporting this to the police so you have a clear and "official" log of events should he try to challenge a non-molestation (injunction) in court.
Once i did this my ex left me alone, maybe somthing worth thinking about?. My thoughts are with you, good luck

timetofaceit Wed 16-Jan-13 13:56:58

Thank you Zippey, yes we do especially the children, my daughter needs to learn you don't put up with men like this and my son needs to learn you don't get away with treating women like this but to be honest I don't discuss any of it with them other than how they feel about the fact he's gone. I haven't responded or anwered his calls, I did once when he kept banging on seeing the kids, I mean after 3 emails, 6 text messages and a phonecall asking me to please let him see the kids. It was then I said please can he leave us alone and it was not in the kids best interest to see him. That though was when he began to get threatening with the 'you really don't want to tick me off' text. So looks like I perhaps shouldn't of responded but you get like that after so many. He also in the past has got aggressive and threatening when I have ignored him, he says it winds him up!

zippey Wed 16-Jan-13 13:46:30

Just read that you cant change phone number. Hopefully you can find stength not to respond though. Responding in any way is like sending a signal to imply that you are still in his thoughts and just adds fuel to the flame.

Good luck! You and your children deserve a lot better.

zippey Wed 16-Jan-13 13:44:19

Its good that you are away from him.

I would stop talking/texting with him. Even when he texts you. I think you are right that he wants to get to you via any means possible, including your children. They arent his, so he has no holds over you.

I would change sim cards on my phone.

lookingfoxy Wed 16-Jan-13 13:41:23

You can download an app called call control, it will let you block a certain amount of numbers for free.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 16-Jan-13 13:38:36

Call the police... It's scary, manipulative, emotionally unstable behaviour. It's not right that you are getting this level of bombardment and it should stop. A visit from the police sounds long overdue...

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now