Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Think I Have Lost The Plot. Please Help.

(279 Posts)
TotalTizzy Mon 14-Jan-13 21:01:40

I've been with my P for two years (don't feel like I can add the 'D' in front). He was great for the first year but the second year has been difficult. He will be lovely for weeks on end and then out of the blue he will blow up over something or do something seemingly out of character. He has always been a bit funny about me going out with my friends but now it feels suffocating. He has started doing things like giving me the silent treatment when I get in or putting the deadlock (I think that is what it's called) across the door so that I can't open it from the outside. On the occasions when he has locked me out, I have spent up to half an hour ringing him and knocking on the door but he doesn't respond. I know he is awake because sometimes he cuts the calls off or answers and pretends he can't hear me. One time I actually saw him standing in the shadows of our bedroom window watching me getting tearful and panicky but he totally denies he did this.

Once a week I have a physio appointment after work and he will go out that evening without fail and get absolutely blind drunk. He always justifies it by saying "You were out of house having a good time so why shouldn't I?" Since when the hell has seeing the physio been classed as FUN? The next day he will give me three different variations of what he had got up to while he was on the piss and he always tells me that someone has chatted him up (usually a glamour model FFS). His stories never make sense and if they do then it sounds like he has rehearsed a watertight itinerary and tells me to call one of his friends to verify it (which I don't). I always feel worried when he goes out now - I honestly never used to care but now I feel very anxious. When I speak to him about it he just accuses me of being a control freak and of wanting to keep him under the thumb. Sometimes I ask him not to go out and I become very needy which causes arguments. I hate myself for being like this and I know he resents that behaviour because he tells me often enough.

Sometimes I try to have a normal adult conversation with him about something and he will turn it round on me and start going off on one. For example one time he was moaning about being skint and I said he should stop spending so much money on booze (he thinks nothing of spending a hundred quid on a bottle of champagne in a bar even though he is up to his eyeballs in debt. He never buys that when he's with me btw, only when he is out with his flash friends) He suddenly went beserk and started interrogating me about men I fancy asking me the same questions over and over again until I snapped. He then went very quiet and calm then said "I've caught you out. You're getting angry because you're a fucking liar." Two days later he booked us a last minute 'romantic' trip to Rome as a way of apologising.

I really think I am losing my mind. I honestly dont know what is going on from one day to the next. Whenever I threaten to leave there are tantrums, tears, proclamations of undying love and expensive gifts but then a few days later when the dust has settled he will make it known that I am the one who causes all the problems. Everyone thinks he is such a nice bloke and I doubt they would believe me if I told them what was really going on. I just don't know what to do. Last time I tried to leave him he locked me in our house and took away my phone, keys and purse until I "calmed down and saw sense "as he put it. He also said he loved me too much for me to walk away. It's like a rollercoaster except the highs and lows are getting more and more extreme. I don't even know who I am anymore. I guess I am looking for reassurance that I should leave but im scared.

ArtemisatBrauron Wed 16-Jan-13 13:28:44

Good luck with the move TT please let us know when you are safe somewhere else; don't question yourself like this, he has conditioned you to feel like the guilty party but you are not!

domesticgodless Wed 16-Jan-13 13:45:08

'Part of me is desperate to get away, the other part is telling me that I have behaved badly in this relationship too (insecure, needy, paranoid, spiteful at times during arguments) It'a crazy that despite a unanimous verdict from everyone, especially all of the lovely people on here, I still feel responsible for a lot of his behaviour. I keep thinking of the times we've argued and he has said: "You would drive any man insane," "You come across as so nice to everyone else but you treat me like shit," "You've got an evil streak in you," "You just want to grind me down until I crack," "You've got issues," "You're a nasty piece of work." God, sometimes I wonder if it's ME who is abusive. He certainly thinks so.'

Oh god darling, they all talk from the same script don't they?

I'll tell you my long and shameful story (I feel ashamed because I kept going back) and maybe it'll make you feel stronger and proud of what you are doing now.

I paid for everything and chased my abusive ex around Europe (he refused to live with me because England wasn't good enough for an artistic genius like him, but demanded that I visit him as often as possible in Italy even though I'm a full time working and p/t single parent) and I did it for soooo long....because he made me feel like shit for 'neglecting' him.

I wasn't allowed to see his family or stay in his father's house (where he was still living...) because he had slagged me off to them so much as a toxic lunatic and they were scared of me.

He constantly accused me of abuse etc. I would argue back to him and get very angry, but chillingly, I found that he would find some way to turn everything I justifiably said back onto me. If I had reason to be jealous of him (and I did because he slept with another woman the day after we split up once, locked me out of his facebook a year ago and blocked me, etc), he would break into my computer and accuse me of 'gangbangs' and 'random sex appointments' (utter rubbish). He was omnipotent, arrogant, suspicious and deeply malicious at times. Then could be loving and kind (especially to my sons who loved him. I guess he was a kid like them!!) Everything I said to him that wasn't positive would be saved up and thrown back at me. So it was me who was arrogant, malicious, exploitative (?of what I wonder), etc. I got called a money-obsessed materialist for asking him to pay me back for air fares I bought him that he didn't bother to use.

He progressively drained my money, time and energy while telling me daily that it was me doing that to him, how grateful I should be to him, that I was a crazy promiscuous bitch etc (I have bipolar type Ii depression, so he translated that into my being a dangerous, loose madwoman); and the last I heard from him after I dumped him for the last time, was a long, raging moral lecture about my many inadequacies as a person (instructing me to watch two Italian films which would 'show me the truth about myself if I was willing to see and understand it' !!). (This was after I had deleted but not blocked him from skype, having already agreed to split).

And yes I got called 'evil' several times, including by his mother!! (This stuff runs through the family...)
As for the number of times he called me a lunatic and a 'psychopath' (his term for someone with a mental illness I think), I can't count them.

I had left a cashmere cardigan with him which was a present from my parents... I asked very nicely for it back, even offering to pay for the postage as he is sooooo broke, of course... and got told that I deserved nothing from him, he owes me nothing (he owes me about £2000 probably), etc. etc.

I knew for years that he was a pompous, arrogant paper bag of a kidult but somehow I stayed out of self hate (exacerbated by his accusations that I was a sick crazy abuser and he was a saint for putting up with me). and also of course you see a better side sometimes.. and there is something else that makes us stay... the abuser focuses almost totally on you. You're the centre of his world for good and (usually) bad. And I think there is something horribly compulsive in that for those of us with low self esteem. For me it created this weird sexual obsession which I still feel at times even though I'll never, ever get on a fucking plane for him again (he was very beautiful which I think didn't help the vast narcissistic sense of entitlement... I think he was used to getting his own way with women).

You are absolutely right to get out. You may miss him for a while, god knows I still do. But you are returning to a full human life. Very best of luck.

garlicblocks Wed 16-Jan-13 14:00:42

pompous, arrogant paper bag of a kidult grin Superb expression!!

domesticgodless Wed 16-Jan-13 14:09:34

hehehehe thanks garlic. I find that composing dismissive epithets for the git decreases his still considerable power to make me feel like shit, even in retrospect :D

LemonBreeland Wed 16-Jan-13 14:10:20

It is so sad that you are doubting yourself. As soon as I read a few lines I thought, no you are anot going crazy, he is an abusive twunt.

And as domesticgodless says, they act like this to make you think you are crazy and it is all you. It isn't! This is not a normal loving relationship. You should not be with someone who makes you scared of how they will react to something you do. The very fact that you don't want him to know you are going to leave just shows that you should.

Blatherskite Wed 16-Jan-13 14:13:28

So glad you're leaving. I hope you're all packed up now and long gone before he comes home.

Good luck with your new start

LemonBreeland Wed 16-Jan-13 14:14:23

Also good luck with leaving today. You deserve a happy life away from this man.

domesticgodless Wed 16-Jan-13 14:19:50

The funny thing is that I think some abusers are so unselfaware that they don't even know they are doing it all, the projection and gaslighting. It is all about their own emptiness and self doubt which they project onto the other. And thus they both avoid it and continually act it out.

OP it may be that one day you can feel pity for your abuser but right now you just need to get out of his vampire grip.

TotalTizzy Wed 16-Jan-13 16:11:04

I've done it! I've moved out and I'm back at my parents' house. I've just blocked him from my emails and social networking sites and I've phoned my mobile phone provider and changed my number. They said it can take up to twelve hours for that to take effect so in the meantime I've just switched my phone off. I've also done an online mail redirection and phoned Royal Mail to check that they won't be sending a confirmation letter to my old address.

I feel like I'm running on adrenaline, feel relieved to be somewhere 'safe' but also panicking at the thought of him getting home in a couple of hours and realising I have done a runner. God, my heart is racing so fast! Feeling very sick actually but my DM has just poured me a glass of wine which is much needed even if it is a little early to be hitting the hard stuff Hopefully that will calm me down a bit.

Yet again, thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I really, really don't think I would have done this without the power of MN. Thank you as well to those of you who have posted about your personal experiences of being in a similar situation and leaving, you have been an inspiration to me.

thanks for each and every one of you x

WhereMyMilk Wed 16-Jan-13 16:16:27

Well done TT.

You're a strong courageous woman about to embark on the rest of her fab life smile

TotalTizzy Wed 16-Jan-13 16:17:10

Oh, and just to check - there's no need for me to contact him to let him know that it's totally over? My parents say that upping and leaving is enough, they said he doesn't deserve an explanation. That's the best way to handle it isn't it?

garlicblocks Wed 16-Jan-13 16:20:08

Yes, it is! Your family sound great smile Nestle down with them for a few days while it sinks in ... you can breathe easy!

Sugarice Wed 16-Jan-13 16:23:46

Well done, you must feel so relieved!

You sound like you have a really supportive family behind you smile

Remember; ignore,ignore and then ignore him some more.

AnyFucker Wed 16-Jan-13 16:35:54

Do no open any lines of communication.

You are impressive, girl !

LiveItUp Wed 16-Jan-13 16:40:20

Thank you for the update. I know a lot of us will be so relieved for you and we can relax a bit too knowing you're safe.

And no you DO NOT need to contact him to "formally" let him know it is over. He is NO LONGER part of your life. He gets nothing more from you. Nothing. Don't even waste your thoughts on what he may think when he gets home.

You have been so strong through all this, and so proactive today sorting so much out. Enjoy that wine, enjoy the support of your lovely family, and look forward to a better future. Well done.

BettySuarez Wed 16-Jan-13 16:47:24

You are quite simply amazing! grin

I am going to break my dry January spell in your honour tonight and raise a glass with you wine

hillyhilly Wed 16-Jan-13 16:47:47

Well done tizzy and good luck over the coming weeks, stay strong

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Wed 16-Jan-13 16:49:57

Yes it is!

Well done you, you have been so brave.

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life wine thanks

Anniegetyourgun Wed 16-Jan-13 16:52:28

Phew, thank goodness!

Normally you would owe someone you were splitting up the courtesy of an explanation. Not this one though. He knows damn' well why you've gone (whatever he might protest) and why you had to sneak out. He's the one who locked you in and took your phone and stuff away last time you wanted out. That is seeeeeriously fecked up.

Dammit, can't join y'all in wine yet, have to go out to a meeting presently and will almost certainly get lost

cutestgirls Wed 16-Jan-13 16:58:55

glad to hear you moved out OP.

from your OP i could tell two things
1. you do not mention any positive aspects of this relationship that YOU have to gain.
2. he is clearly a classic abusive fellow.

good luck! just keep away from him and stay safe

oneforthemoney Wed 16-Jan-13 17:04:51

Well done op.

ladyWordy Wed 16-Jan-13 17:08:40

No, don't talk to him at all. It's important.

And wow! Well done you! thanks

Can I also emphasise AngryTrees' post at 10:46:24. He might yet try to get in touch through some means and either spin you a sob story, an 'I've changed' story, or something that sounds very reasonable such as 'can I just get my xyz, can I just give you your xyz' ... don't respond. (I know you won't!).

Congratulations again on a successful escape! wine

BouncyPenguin Wed 16-Jan-13 17:10:27

Well done! That's great. Your family sound brilliant!

izzyizin Wed 16-Jan-13 17:10:48

I'm sure I'm not the only one who's deriving immense pleasure from imagining the various looks on the twunt's face when he gets home tonight, and I'm immensely relieved that you're safe and he's stuffed grin

Your dps are spot on, honey. Leaving is the only message you need give him.

Here's some thanks for you and some flowers for yuur dm, who was no doubt counting the hours until you were all safely back home.

Now the hard bit's done and dusted, relax with your wonderfully supportive family, have another wine and look forward to your new, vastly improved, life.

Btw, you know where to come if the twunt makes any attempt to theaten or harass you, don't you? smile

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Wed 16-Jan-13 17:17:46

Well done, enjoy your wine & drink a toast to freedom!
Well done again.
Xxx

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now