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Think I Have Lost The Plot. Please Help.

(279 Posts)
TotalTizzy Mon 14-Jan-13 21:01:40

I've been with my P for two years (don't feel like I can add the 'D' in front). He was great for the first year but the second year has been difficult. He will be lovely for weeks on end and then out of the blue he will blow up over something or do something seemingly out of character. He has always been a bit funny about me going out with my friends but now it feels suffocating. He has started doing things like giving me the silent treatment when I get in or putting the deadlock (I think that is what it's called) across the door so that I can't open it from the outside. On the occasions when he has locked me out, I have spent up to half an hour ringing him and knocking on the door but he doesn't respond. I know he is awake because sometimes he cuts the calls off or answers and pretends he can't hear me. One time I actually saw him standing in the shadows of our bedroom window watching me getting tearful and panicky but he totally denies he did this.

Once a week I have a physio appointment after work and he will go out that evening without fail and get absolutely blind drunk. He always justifies it by saying "You were out of house having a good time so why shouldn't I?" Since when the hell has seeing the physio been classed as FUN? The next day he will give me three different variations of what he had got up to while he was on the piss and he always tells me that someone has chatted him up (usually a glamour model FFS). His stories never make sense and if they do then it sounds like he has rehearsed a watertight itinerary and tells me to call one of his friends to verify it (which I don't). I always feel worried when he goes out now - I honestly never used to care but now I feel very anxious. When I speak to him about it he just accuses me of being a control freak and of wanting to keep him under the thumb. Sometimes I ask him not to go out and I become very needy which causes arguments. I hate myself for being like this and I know he resents that behaviour because he tells me often enough.

Sometimes I try to have a normal adult conversation with him about something and he will turn it round on me and start going off on one. For example one time he was moaning about being skint and I said he should stop spending so much money on booze (he thinks nothing of spending a hundred quid on a bottle of champagne in a bar even though he is up to his eyeballs in debt. He never buys that when he's with me btw, only when he is out with his flash friends) He suddenly went beserk and started interrogating me about men I fancy asking me the same questions over and over again until I snapped. He then went very quiet and calm then said "I've caught you out. You're getting angry because you're a fucking liar." Two days later he booked us a last minute 'romantic' trip to Rome as a way of apologising.

I really think I am losing my mind. I honestly dont know what is going on from one day to the next. Whenever I threaten to leave there are tantrums, tears, proclamations of undying love and expensive gifts but then a few days later when the dust has settled he will make it known that I am the one who causes all the problems. Everyone thinks he is such a nice bloke and I doubt they would believe me if I told them what was really going on. I just don't know what to do. Last time I tried to leave him he locked me in our house and took away my phone, keys and purse until I "calmed down and saw sense "as he put it. He also said he loved me too much for me to walk away. It's like a rollercoaster except the highs and lows are getting more and more extreme. I don't even know who I am anymore. I guess I am looking for reassurance that I should leave but im scared.

ThereGoesTheYear Tue 15-Jan-13 16:49:11

Well done for seeing how awful this is before you got more entangled with children/marriage/joint finances. I know how insidious this type of behaviour can be. He does sound very very controlling and I am so glad that you're planning to leave.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Tue 15-Jan-13 16:59:06

I'm so relieved your planning to leave, this is only going to get worse if you stay.
Like others have said, do it one day. Pack all you want and go so you never return.
Tell the LL once your gone.
Good luck xxxx

TotalTizzy Wed 16-Jan-13 08:52:19

Sorry I haven't been back to update sooner, I didn't get a chance yesterday but thank you all so much for the supportive posts. I am so grateful.

Well...I'm leaving today. I spoke to my boss yesterday and he has said I can take today off and the rest of the week if I need it which is such a help. I confided in one of my good friends at work yesterday as I was feeling a bit tearful and anxious and she said on the occasions she has met 'D'P he has always 'unnerved' her. She also said she had noticed that in the past six months my confidence has gone through the floor and it had been commented on by others in the office. That shocked me as I thought that I always did well to act 'fine' but obviously not.

STBXDP left for work an hour ago. He thinks that I have gone to work too so he has no idea what's going on. He has been ridiculously nice the past few days, which has been a bit of a head f*ck. My DF and DBro are on their way to help me pack all my things up. I don't want to leave anything of mine here at all.

I can't really explain how I feel IYSWIM. I feel sick. Part of me is desperate to get away, the other part is telling me that I have behaved badly in this relationship too (insecure, needy, paranoid, spiteful at times during arguments) It'a crazy that despite a unanimous verdict from everyone, especially all of the lovely people on here, I still feel responsible for a lot of his behaviour. I keep thinking of the times we've argued and he has said: "You would drive any man insane," "You come across as so nice to everyone else but you treat me like shit," "You've got an evil streak in you," "You just want to grind me down until I crack," "You've got issues," "You're a nasty piece of work." God, sometimes I wonder if it's ME who is abusive. He certainly thinks so. confused

Right, I'm going to carry on packing up my things. I've locked the door from the inside just in case STBXDP were to come home unexpectedly - I know he thinks I'm at work and vice versa but I feel safe knowing he can't get in the house.

Sugarice Wed 16-Jan-13 08:56:31

Lots and lots of luck Totally smile.

Confiding in others has given you more self belief knowing that's it's not you, it's him and it's always been him.

Thank God you've seen the light and don't fall for any flannel off him in the coming days!

I read this thread yesterday & it sent chills down my back, so glad you are leaving. I don't know from personal experience but it seems quite a normal pattern of behaviour for the abuser to project onto their victim & make them feel it's all their fault.

He's a nasty piece of work & you'll be much better off without him. Good luck.

Just seen this, good luck OP!

Just read the beginning and end of the thread so I don't know if you "behaved badly" or not, but being insecure or acting needy is no reason to lock you out of - or in - the house. As for calling you a "nasty piece of work" shock, that would be a dealbreaker for me too.

Keep him out of your life.

TheGoatThatGotAway Wed 16-Jan-13 09:05:36

TT, you are amazing! So glad you are doing this. He sounds like a really, really nasty piece of work. Take it steady and ride the inevitable moments of misery and self-doubt. Life is going to feel so much lighter and happier now.

As for all those accusations... try swapping the pronouns round! ("I would drive any woman insane.") Sounds like he's giving an uncannily accurate description of himself.

TheGoatThatGotAway Wed 16-Jan-13 09:07:08

Cross posts with a couple of other people there. Sounds like there's consensus on who's the nasty piece of work then!

jetsetlil Wed 16-Jan-13 09:15:42

I am delurking to wish you the best of luck. Your OP shocked me to the core.

saffronwblue Wed 16-Jan-13 09:28:25

Tizzy you have been very brave. Good luck and please update when you are somewhere safe.

jacksmummy05 Wed 16-Jan-13 09:35:22

Hi,
I've only read your original post, and none of the replies, so hope I don't repeat what anyone else has said...
What you have written could have been me at the start of my relationship with ex...he also locked me out of the house after I'd been out one night...in the early hours of the morning, in October, and all I was wearing was a party dress...no coat...he was pissed off that I had gone out without him. I had to break a window to get in eventually, and once I was in and he realised I'd broken a window...he pushed me down the stairs and back out sad
Also ditto to the emotional abuse he's giving you...I too didn't realise it at the time and thought I was going mental...and he's such a charming person to everyone else, I also thought no one would believe he's 50 shades of fucked up...
More fool me, I stuck around longer than you are, and it only got WORSE. I can promise if you stay, (or go back at a later date when he 'promises' things will change) the same will happen.
And I don't mean to frighten you...but forewarned is forearmed...these men often up the ante AFTER you've left...in a desperate attempt to regain control...I had reems of texts declaring undying love, phone call upon phone call switching from adoring to abusive, he turned up at my new flat, I had to get anti-harassment orders, he stalked me and hung around outside my place of work etc....like I said, I really don't want to frighten you as he may not, but please be prepared for the worst and draft in support from family, friends and even the police if necessary.
Completely no-contact with this man is essential.
Best of luck and well done for being so strong...it may take time to heal from this experience, but you will and life on the other side is great smile
X

Leverette Wed 16-Jan-13 09:52:42

WELL DONE thanks

BTW he says those vile things to you because a) he's projecting his own thoughts and behaviours onto you so that he doesn't have to own them, and b) it makes you doubt and question yourself thereby destroying your self esteem, meaning that if you feel like you might be a shitty person you will accept shitty treatment.

Very best wishes to you.

BettySuarez Wed 16-Jan-13 09:52:57

totally I haven't stopped thinking about you since your original post which sent chills down my spine. I even showed it to my DH who was sad and angry on your behalf.

DO NOT listen to a word your ex says, he has been slowly conditioning you over the years to feel like a total failure and as if everything is your fault, you are useless, no one else will have you etc etc.

It is a text book method in abusive relationships and he has been working away at you for years sad

But oh my goodness - how wrong was he? You are INCREDIBLE grin

The rest of your life starts here smile

Good luck today and stay safe x

Jux Wed 16-Jan-13 09:56:44

TT, fantastic!

His means of controlling you is to make you doubt yourself. The things he's done would make anyone feel trapped and then needy as his approval has grown ridiculously in importance. It's not important.

So glad you've got good support in rl, your boss is being great, and your family are splendid!

On your way to having a great life!

AnyFucker Wed 16-Jan-13 10:38:24

Good luck and well done

Now it is probably going to get harder before it gets easier so you must stay resolute x

HotDAMNlifeisgood Wed 16-Jan-13 10:45:34

Well done TT!

Re: feeling responsible for his behaviour: that's how he was able to manipulate you. And yes, he will continue to claim that you were the problematic/abusive one. Let him: his opinio does not matter.

I really recommend that you sign yourself up to your local Freedom Programme: it will help you get your head round what was going on in your relationship, both from your side and from his. Yousound like you have a lot of questions and uncertainty about that right now (totally understandably!), and the Freedom Programme is designed to respond exactly to that.

Good luck!

AngryTrees Wed 16-Jan-13 10:46:24

Just remember that you don't have to answer any of his calls or messages, and neither is it advisable to do so. You don't owe him a last meeting, you don't have to hear him out and neither does he "deserve" anything else along the lines of a final conversation or explanation. You may end up feeling guilty and wondering whether you should do something like the above, but it would be a mistake. He will use any contact to try and manipulate you. This is not a normal man and the usual rules to do not apply when it comes to breaking up. He's tried to make you a prisoner and it would be sheer madness to try and reason with someone like him.

Be prepared for the possibility of him trying to bargain his way back into your life with tears, threats, suicidal comments and other guilt-tripping behaviour. He may well blitz you with these and try and wear you down into seeing him. Stay strong!

Anniegetyourgun Wed 16-Jan-13 10:47:06

You think it must be you because he was nice at first, then changed after a while of being with you. I promise, if you do a bit of reading around the subject when you're out and safe you will realise this is just a technique, and is documented in books and articles all over the place: the cycle of abuse. Nice, building up gradually to nasty, horrible blow-up, nice again. It works a treat, until you take a step back and see it objectively. Once you've realised what it is you will also realise it is not your fault, never was, couldn't be.

For now, concentrate on getting out and staying safe. Believe us all that you will be very glad you did. He is not to be trusted.

LiveItUp Wed 16-Jan-13 11:19:57

Well done. Pack and go. Glad to hear your Dad and bro are there, for support and just incase he turns up. Get safe and stay strong. You are NOT in any way at fault in this relationship. You are being amazing in getting out.

Of course it's hard, he has conditioned you, as others have said. People around you have clearly noticed the difference in you. Your confidence will return and you will look back and know you have had a lucky escape. Mostly now though .... look forward and do NOT be drawn back into his web of abuse. Good luck.

garlicblocks Wed 16-Jan-13 12:28:55

thanks thanks well done! I'm so glad you've found support and have started getting feedback from people who know you, too. Keep doing that smile Please take care of your defences against him going forward, too.

Hope today goes well. xxx

Delurking to wish you luck and strength - so glad you are leaving and that you have told people in RL and have support. Do not let your resolve weaken. Nowhere near as bad a situation as yours, but I too have been told stuff in the past that makes me feel I may be an emotional abuser and it really does make you feel unsure of yourself and your true motives.

Have thanks, and wine for later smile.

Jux Wed 16-Jan-13 13:10:39

AngryTrees is right. He will do pretty well anything to manipulate you into coming back. He will promise you the moon. Whatever he does, resist resist resist. If he ever gets you back he's likely to completely clamp down to make it really hard for you to get away again. He will remember that your brother helped so he'll probably cut you off from him first, then your parents, then your friends, then work etc etc. You owe him nothing, so just blank/cut him off whatever he says or does. And do not think twice about calling the police if he turns up anywhere.

Hope it all goes well today. I am so delighted that you will be out, if you're not already.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Wed 16-Jan-13 13:25:23

Thinking if you. Well done and stay safe. X

izzyizin Wed 16-Jan-13 13:28:41

Honey, think about all those things he's told you are wrong with you and see them for what they are - everything that's wrong with him, not you.

It's not worth arguing the toss with men such as him; they know what they're like, they know full well what they're doing and the effect they have on their victims, and they have no intention whatsoever of changing their ways.

I hope that, at the time of writing, your df and db are with you and that you are on your way to the infinitely better life you're going to have without him in it.

Stay resolute and after you've reached your destination reward yourself with a richly deserved wine You've done good, Tizzy. Bravo!

MorrisZapp Wed 16-Jan-13 13:28:44

I'm so glad you're leaving this cowardly loser. As everybody has said, this is when he's really going to ramp up his manipulation, so watch out. Tell people - tell them the truth, what he's really like. Your friends and family will believe you, and they will stay objective if he starts to get under your skin again.

He says it was all your fault. I very much doubt that, but even if it was, so what? You are free to leave any time you like. Relationships aren't meant to be prison sentences. You're meant to enjoy them.

Wishing you all the luck in the world, stay strong.

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