Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Think I Have Lost The Plot. Please Help.(279 Posts)
I've been with my P for two years (don't feel like I can add the 'D' in front). He was great for the first year but the second year has been difficult. He will be lovely for weeks on end and then out of the blue he will blow up over something or do something seemingly out of character. He has always been a bit funny about me going out with my friends but now it feels suffocating. He has started doing things like giving me the silent treatment when I get in or putting the deadlock (I think that is what it's called) across the door so that I can't open it from the outside. On the occasions when he has locked me out, I have spent up to half an hour ringing him and knocking on the door but he doesn't respond. I know he is awake because sometimes he cuts the calls off or answers and pretends he can't hear me. One time I actually saw him standing in the shadows of our bedroom window watching me getting tearful and panicky but he totally denies he did this.
Once a week I have a physio appointment after work and he will go out that evening without fail and get absolutely blind drunk. He always justifies it by saying "You were out of house having a good time so why shouldn't I?" Since when the hell has seeing the physio been classed as FUN? The next day he will give me three different variations of what he had got up to while he was on the piss and he always tells me that someone has chatted him up (usually a glamour model FFS). His stories never make sense and if they do then it sounds like he has rehearsed a watertight itinerary and tells me to call one of his friends to verify it (which I don't). I always feel worried when he goes out now - I honestly never used to care but now I feel very anxious. When I speak to him about it he just accuses me of being a control freak and of wanting to keep him under the thumb. Sometimes I ask him not to go out and I become very needy which causes arguments. I hate myself for being like this and I know he resents that behaviour because he tells me often enough.
Sometimes I try to have a normal adult conversation with him about something and he will turn it round on me and start going off on one. For example one time he was moaning about being skint and I said he should stop spending so much money on booze (he thinks nothing of spending a hundred quid on a bottle of champagne in a bar even though he is up to his eyeballs in debt. He never buys that when he's with me btw, only when he is out with his flash friends) He suddenly went beserk and started interrogating me about men I fancy asking me the same questions over and over again until I snapped. He then went very quiet and calm then said "I've caught you out. You're getting angry because you're a fucking liar." Two days later he booked us a last minute 'romantic' trip to Rome as a way of apologising.
I really think I am losing my mind. I honestly dont know what is going on from one day to the next. Whenever I threaten to leave there are tantrums, tears, proclamations of undying love and expensive gifts but then a few days later when the dust has settled he will make it known that I am the one who causes all the problems. Everyone thinks he is such a nice bloke and I doubt they would believe me if I told them what was really going on. I just don't know what to do. Last time I tried to leave him he locked me in our house and took away my phone, keys and purse until I "calmed down and saw sense "as he put it. He also said he loved me too much for me to walk away. It's like a rollercoaster except the highs and lows are getting more and more extreme. I don't even know who I am anymore. I guess I am looking for reassurance that I should leave but im scared.
I am so sorry for how he's treated you
This man is a severe, dangerous abuser and you must disentangle yourself from him without delay. Every injury caused by him, psychological or physical, accumulates and worsens the damage you suffer and lengthens your recovery.
He is a sadistic predator who gains gratification from harming you.
But you're in the right place.
My own experience a few years ago was eerily similar to yours and MN got me through the worst. I had a nervous breakdown and this place literally saved my sanity.
There are amazing women here who even if you necker meet in real life, will be here to give you all the support and advice you could ever need.
Keep safe xxx
He sounds really frightening and I'm so gla you're planning to get away from him. Once you've left make sure you tell your family and friends what you've put in your OP.
Be VERY careful when you plan to leave. Try to behave as you normally too and stick to the same routine. You need to plan to leave when you're sure he won't be there or come back unexpectedly. In the meantime, like the person above me has said, delete all browsing history.
I personally would speak to the landlord afterwards, because you just don't know for certain that they won't talk to him or ring him up and discuss things before you are somewhere safe.
Don't forget to pack important documents: passport, anything to do with your car, bank statements and so on.
What post do you get delivered to your house? When you get away arrange for it all to be sent to a different address.
If he knows any of your passwords to your email, paypal, facebook- ANYTHING, then change them as soon as you leave. I would think about doing this anyway as he may have seen you putting them in without you knowing.
In the meantime, if the situation gets out of hand don't hesitate to call the police if you are able to do so.
I'm frightened of him!
He imprisoned you the last time you thought of leaving
For god's sake don't even hint at going, just flit. Leave your stuff behind if needs be; just make sure you have your legal & financial documents and anything of great personal significance.
I think you should have trustworthy people around you.
Very glad you're seeing the truth now, before your ties to him got tighter.
I was with someone like this. Best advice is leave. And remember if you forget or can't take all your stuff that things are for having and people are for loving. you can replace stuff but not yourself.
Go and go quickly and as everyone else said, give no warning.
Frequent is right your op is chilling.
He locked you and stood in the bedroom watching you beg to be let in.
Too often people say ltb on here but as you have no children and separate finances, leave him.
Your life with him will get worse and you will never know which way is up with a man like that.
LEAVE -ASAP I am one for trying to make relationships work and at no point in your thread does this read possible. This man will cause you major ill health and anxiety to the point you already cannot see how truly bad this behaviour is. This is mental cruelty and you really really need to get strong and get out fast. good luck!
This sounds chilling. He is terrifying!
You must leave.
Get Royal Mail to redirect all your mail to your new address before you leave, but be careful to do it in advance so that you still live there when they sent the confirmation letter out - it will confirm your new address, and you might not want him to come knocking straight away.
Can you go stay with your parents?
I never usually reply in relationships, but couldn't not.
I read your OP like
It was bad enough to lock you out, it was worse to watch you outside panicking but to lock you in and remove your things?! In what way is this ever an acceptable way to treat another person? It's not normal behaviour, it is abusive.
I hope you can leave safely and stay away, in safety. Good luck.
Also when you leave, speak to the police before hand. Just in case something kicks off.
Where are you, OP?
You do realise that when he's being nice, he's looking at you with contempt for falling for the way he's treating you?
Go when he's out drinking.
Do you work? Do you have children?
I am not easily spooked, but he scares the shit out of me
Thank you again everyone for your replies, I am so grateful.
AnyFucker Yes I am frightened of him, even though he hasnt been physically abusive I still feel scared. When he gets angry he will shout and then he will speak to me in a very low, quiet voice that always makes me wonder what he will do next.
He's in one of his 'nice' moods at the moment but I know I have to go, i can't live like this. I've planned when i will leave, i just really hope he doesn't somehow find this thread (there goes my paranoia again).
Robomummy I have a few people in RL who i can speak to and who can help. None of them have any idea how bad things have been in this relationship, i've been trying to pretend everything is fine as up until now I have really believed all this was my fault.
OP please get away from this cowardly arsehole as soon as you can. He is going to destroy you day by day and take more and more of your soul and self esteem, if not worse.
Don't say anythng to your landlord before you go. You don't want him speaking to your partner before you leave.
Please wake up and see what this prick is doing to you. He has belittled you. He has locked you out. He has held you HOSTAGE. Be very clear that this is serious abuse. Just think how you would feel if your loved ones were treated like this?
Please, please, please listen to everyone here.
And please tell the friends you can trust exactly what he has done to you. Show them this thread.
Everyone thinks he is such a nice bloke and I doubt they would believe me if I told them what was really going on
Does it matter whether everyone will believe you? No matter what they believe, you know the truth, and so do we - the guy's abusive and controlling twunt and the longer you stick around, the harder you'll find it to get away from him.
Take the advice above. Find an alternative place to live, or stay temporarily with relatives/friends. If you don't have a df, db, or a beefy male mate to help you, clear your possessions out lock, stock, and barrel when he's not around and have nothing further to do with him.
Save any necessary convesations with the landlord/utility services etc until you are safely away from the twunt, but visit a post office and arrange to have your mail redirected to another address (for a small fee) before you leave.
No, you haven't lost the plot, op - you're living with someone who sounds utterly unhinged, sadistic and cruel.
I am so happy for you that you don't have financial ties nor children. Get out as quickly as is practical.
I've just left my DP for half of what yours is doing to you.
Like everyone says, go, don't look back, he will do everything he can to get you back including threats one minute and then being amazingly lovely the next. Leave and whatever he does or says in the coming weeks do not go back.
Good luck OP, I'm just glad it's only 2 years you've wasted with this nasty piece of shit.
Don't forget to sign out of Mumsnet and to delete cookies and history if you are worried about him finding this thread.
I hope you are not planning to wait too long before leaving. He is a very dangerous man. Please be careful.
Womens aid can help you as well. They are experts at helping women leave abusive relationships. You can call them and they will advise you and even offer practical help.
You ARE very definately in an abusive relationship. You may not realise this or believe it yet but you are.
Please leave. You have had some good advice on here, so use it.
TT, you could ask to have the thread moved to an area that doesn't show up on google
I want to scoop you up and get you out of there OP, you haven't lost the plot, you've found it. Well done for having the courage to think about leaving, now plan it. And DO it. You've got a whole band of mnetters behind you.
So no joint account, renting, no children. There's nothing actually stopping you from going.
Do you have family who could help? Whereabouts are you? I have sent you a PM, by the way.
I am scared for you reading through your post.
Do speak to the police too, it does sound like he could be beyond unpredicatable. Surely they have a "department" who can advise and help you stay safe. Can anyone recommend or comment?
Join the discussion
Please login first.