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what do you think about this 'contact', xh and kids??

(15 Posts)
KhallDrogo Sun 13-Jan-13 11:20:45

X moved out in the summer, into a shared house. Its not suitable for the kids, so he comes to see them at our house every Sunday. He is welcome in the house. I waned to avoid the stiff hand overs at the door. Kids are often still in PJs when he comes, he has breakfast with us etc...I like this set up.

In the summer they would then head off for the day and come back around dinner time. With the winter he has taken them out less and less because of the weather. Not great but OK. I usually go back to bed for a few hours on a Sunday and whlst they have been in the house, they often come up and disturb me asking for stuff, wanting to play with me etc. Basically, because their dad is pretty unengaged. I tried to talk to him about it, but he is as unreasonable as he ever was...and just shirks responsibility...'what is he supposed to do about it?' kind of attitude...

Today he has arrived with books and is sat in the kitchen with the kids sat in front of the TV in the other room. Ive come upstairs and am going to go out for a few hours, so the kids cant gravitate towards me as they naturally do..

would this suit you as an arrangement? I cant do anything about him not engaging can I? do i just ned to go out every sunday? (that will piss me off, because i went to rest on my day off, not go trawlin round town or for a walk or some such)

Greensleeves Sun 13-Jan-13 11:27:51

He is taking the piss imo, and will continue to do so until you draw a line in the sand

I would stop the contact at your house - I can see why it would be a lovely arrangement between two reasonable adults for the benefit of the children, but he isn't a reasonable adult. He is abusing your kindness.

It's up to HIM to sort out a reasonable place to have his contact time with his children. It's not your problem.

CremeEggThief Sun 13-Jan-13 11:28:24

I think he should be taking the children out and returning them at an agreed time. There are still things to do, even in winter- softplay; swimming; cinema; days out, etc.

Otherwise, I think you will have to be the one to go out. Things can't really continue as they are, can they?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 13-Jan-13 11:37:27

Sounds like you'll have to go the route of stiff handovers at the front door. Can't say you didn't try.

porridgelover Sun 13-Jan-13 11:46:22

So, this arrangement suits Ex. Kinda suits the kids (but may be a bit confusing).

It suits you........not at all??

He is taking the mickey I'm afraid. Contact every Sunday but no overnights?
No, get him to collect at the door and bring them out.
If they are too small, and you really want them to stay at home for the day, then out you go pity the TV remote got lost, eh?

HollyBerryBush Sun 13-Jan-13 11:47:45

Can he not take them to his mothers or something?

Not everyone has disposable income for cinema/swimming/activities etc.

But no - he's keeping his feet under your table by seeing them at your house.

AmberLeaf Sun 13-Jan-13 11:52:56

Who decided contact at his shared house wasn't suitable, you or him?

Id stop contact at yours now, it rarely works and definitely doesn't work in the long run.

The boundaries are too blurred.

KhallDrogo Sun 13-Jan-13 12:00:27

Thanks for your thoughts

His family don't live in this country, so he can't go to his mums house. He is skint, which is why he is in shared accimodation. He probably could afford to pay for an activity I think, bur he says not....I think, if I said he couldn't be in the house with them, he would stop coming confused

It was fine in the summer, he would take them out then. To be fair, he does have a health condition which means he shouldn't be out in the cold all day. Maybe I will try and encourage a trip to soft play. He never really learnt how to parent...so it might nor occur to him. He can sir and read his book then hmm He hasn't got a car either...

KhallDrogo Sun 13-Jan-13 12:09:45

He decided amber. He has pretty low standards, so if he says it is not suitable, I would suspect it really isn't

Kids have been upstairs with me for last 15 minutes or so....time for action I think

porridgelover Sun 13-Jan-13 12:11:36

But on a chilly Sunday, he could bring them swimming? Not terribly expensive, warm and will tire them out enough to sit and have a film afternoon with daddy quite happily. (Plus you dont have to bath them for tomorrow smile).

A trip on the bus to a far-away Tesco, not terribly expensive?

Trot around your local playground for an hour. Tired, hungry, happy kids.

Sit at the table with a craft activity he has specially thought out for them (make a castle/doll's house/gargage from a cardboard box?)

In fairness, we all struggle at times to find cheap things to do with DC. You will see lots of threads here looking for advice about it. Give him a few ideas, but dont hold his hand.

OP, if he decides not to come to see his DC because you wont facilitate him to see them completely on his terms, then that is his choice. If he is that unmotivated, it may be better that your DC find that out now. sad

porridgelover Sun 13-Jan-13 12:13:38

Sorry Xpost.
Yes time for action.
Sounds as if your place is the equivalent of a nice coffee shop for him on a Sunday morning, where he can go read his books, comfy and warm.

Viviennemary Sun 13-Jan-13 12:15:47

This sounds a total waste of time for everyohe involved. I don't see why you should be forced out of your own house. But on the other hand it is difficult in this cold weather to find things to do which would take the whole day, and avoid spending too much money. In my opinion he should be working on making his accommodation suitable for the DC's. Surely he must have his own room.

KhallDrogo Sun 13-Jan-13 12:29:55

Well, that went well! hmm

Apparently, he doesn't have to listen to my shit any more. It's my fault. He can't speak to dd1 because I spoiled her when she was little. He did warn me! (he's gone) confused

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 13-Jan-13 12:42:42

"He never really learnt how to parent...so it might nor occur to him"

So he's going to have to learn fast, get creative, use that thing sitting between his ears.... hmm Why are you still trying to resolve an adult man's problems?

AmberLeaf Sun 13-Jan-13 13:27:11

He sounds like he just cant be arsed sad

Horrible but better to know where you are earlier on.

re his shared flat, he can make his own room nice if he tries surely? any adult can keep a room clean which is the main thing, unless there is blatent drug use or some other such no no going on by the flat mates, then I cant see why he shouldnt have them at his place.

well done for saying something though, he probably thought he could just lounge at yours on a sunday morning.

Dont let him guilt trip you though, this is his fault not yours.

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