Ending my affair but still care about OM

[ivebeenverysilly]

Firstly can I say I know what I've done is wrong, hurtful, selfish and immature. I'm only human and clearly have some big flaws. Flame me if you want but I am really looking for helpful advice.

I Met OM through a sports club last summer and became acquaintances. This gradually developed into friends and over the past 2 months we have been meeting up (behind our spouses backs) for coffee, dinner, talking. We have kissed on several occasions but not taken it further.

Cliched but we are both having problems at home. He has TOLD me he loves me (I'm under no illusions that he probably doesn't and is either saying this because he thinks he does or because he wants to take things further). However I cannot stop myself thinking that he is a genuinely nice bloke. I ended things with him on Friday night - many reasons but the main few are (1) people will get hurt because of our selfishness and I don't want that. (2) I can't deal with lying to my h. We have our issues but he doesn't deserve this. (3) I feel really disrespectful to his w who (from what I know) has her own issues too (who doesnt)but definitely doesn't deserve this. (4) the "emotional" affair bit I can get my head around easier but the fact he'd be quite happy to meet up in hotels for sex (I imagine from what he's said though he hasn't suggested) makes me think he's gutless. He tells me he hasn't had sex with wife for 7 months and I have told him flat I think that's bollocks but he is all 'I promise I'm not lying to you".

Now - my question is, is there any way we can still be friends as I genuinely care about him. When I told him I needed to end it he was upset and understanding in equal measure, said he needs to sort his life out, says he knows I deserve better etc etc. I have told him to put the energy he put into me back to his wife and do all he can to work on his marriage, see if he can fix it and really try. I've told him that me being in the picture won't help him do that. But he still wants to talk to me, text me etc and to be honest whilst I care about him I could do without being his marriage counsellor/steam let off person.

I am hurting too as I really liked him and he made me feel like I haven't felt for about 10 years (bearing in mind I've been with dh 8 yrs that isn't great). I know ending it is the right thing - to be honest I can't believe I even took it that far but we all make mistakes.

What can I do now to minimise the hurt to everyone but keep my friend? Or am I living in la la land?

[SoldierKatnissEverdeen]

Imo la la land.
Take your own advice, put the energy you were expending on this relationship into the relationship with your husband.

[wewereherefirst]

Concentrate on your husband and your relationship. You can never be friends with him without really lying to your husband. Walk away.

[Numberlock]

What are the issues with your husband? Can they be worked on or is it time to end it?

[meditrina]

You cannot be friends with an affair partner after the affair (whether physical or emotional) is over.

Well done for breaking it off: it's always hard to end a relationship, even an extra-marital one. I suggest you now need to turn consciously to DH, and put all the time and effort of you EA into your marriage.

If you find your marriage is indeed dead (as opposed to your convincing yourself that it's lacking something in order to give yourself permission to date another man), then end it as cleanly and honestly as possible.

[andadietcoke]

Walk away, sever all contact, delete all emails, texts and phone numbers. Otherwise the next time you're lonely, or you have a row with DH it will be so much easier to get in touch with him and reminisce about what could have been.

[Wowserz129]

If I am being honest I think it's nonsense being friends with him and just dangerous. I think the sensible thing is to cut all contact. You obviously care about him but you should care about your husband more. I think you need to do some damage control and be realistic about what you have done and what you should do.

[lunar1]

No you can't be friends

[AloeSailor]

There's no way you can be just friends with him. You need to avoid him.

[annielouisa]

You may believe you could stay friends but that won't happen and eventually the affair will go to the next level and people will get hurt. People who are keen to meet in hotels for sex are not about love, respect or a future but immeadiate gratification.

Rebuild a life with your DH or be honest and walk away but avoid the romanticizing of the grubby affairs. If you want to find someone else do that after ending your relationship with your DH.

[PureQuintessence]

Why would you want to be friends with a scumbag?

I know like attracts like, but come on. You are heaps better than him, you ended it. He wants to shag in hotels, fgs!

No you cant be friends, and he is not a nice man. He did not respect your marriage, and neither his wife and his own marriage.

I bet he is devastated he has wasted so much effort trying to build an affair with you, only to be rebutted months in! I bet he thanked his lucky stars when "new flesh" joined the club....

[Xales]

I don't think you can be friends as long as you still like/care for him. He will work on that until you end back in the same position if he is lucky.

You need to walk away as the others say, drop the mutual club and go no contact.

Sort your marriage one way or another.

[BelleoftheFall]

You need to look at this from another perspective. Imagine you found out one day that your husband had had an affair at some point in the past. A sparks-flying, exciting and revitalising relationship with another woman. He's desperately sorry and tells you he ended it long ago and wanted to do the right thing by your marriage and family...but he still great friends with her, because he cares about her and they have a great connection and she's a great mate.

How would you react, really?

[AThingInYourLife]

Of course you can't "stay" friends with him.

You've never been friends.

You've been acquaintances having a flirtation.

Neither of you knows the first honest thing about the other.

You don't want to be friends, you want to dual back the flirtation to less dangerous levels.

But that's (obviously) not going to last.

[badinage]

AThing is right.

This was never a friendship.

And it never will be.

If you stay in touch, it will still be an emotional affair and will be only be a matter of time before it gets physical again (kissing is physical) and even more so.

If you care for him as a person, bale out now and for good.

[dequoisagitil]

You need to stop contact. You can't always have what you want. It crossed the boundaries of friendship and you can't rewind.

[tribpot]

You can't keep your friend. You must know this. Now you have made the - correct - decision to end it, you need to follow through on that decision to its logical conclusion.

[ivebeenverysilly]

Thanks everyone. You are all saying what I was afraid of but knew deep down. He wants to meet up as friends, says he misses me etc but I've said I can't be friends so no.

Someone aske if i was unhappy - My marriage and my feelings are complicated. DH was always perfect on paper but hit me 4 months ago and since then I've struggled to feel the same about him. He has been working hard on proving himself to me and has not so much as raised his voice since but still, something has gone. And then this other guy came along at Totally the wrong time.

I wonder maybe if we can be friends eventually. But not now.

[dequoisagitil]

Was the assault a culmination of abusive behaviour, op? Is your dh usually controlling and are you/have you been walking on egg-shells?

I don't blame you for feeling differently about him after he's hit you. Perhaps you need to consider getting out of the relationship.

It's ok to say to call it a day - he forfeited the relationship when he hit you.

[ivebeenverysilly]

He is not controlling at all but was quite short tempered and angry but at the time was on medication which was one of the side effects - although we will never truly know whether it was "h" or "medicated h" who hit me.

I don't feel I am walking on eggshells nowadays but I do feel so differently. Like the one person I thought would never hurt me did the one thing which breaks my boundaries. I kicked him out - only for 2 days though. Now he's back to the outside world things look fine. But I don't feel fine. I wondered if counselling might help. Would I have to disclose my "affair" for it to be truly effective do you think?

[dequoisagitil]

If you're talking about individual counselling, then yes, tell all.

I'd be slightly concerned about you going into relationship counselling together because of this DV incident. It's not usually recommended for when there has been DV.

Was there definitely a change in his personality under the medication or has he always been quick-tempered?

[stellios]

jumping on this thread as I feel we have a fair bit in common. My OH is controlling, volatile, pushed me once (not hit) and generally so difficult to live with his own mother feels he should leave! I am totally aware this has contributed to the situation I am now in with my colleague.

[ivebeenverysilly]

It's hard to remember really which I know sounds silly. He has always been easily irritated but the medication definitely made things worse to the point where I was frightened of him on several occasions. The time when he hit me he was drunk too. He isn't really a drinker and has only drunk once since (2beers) but I was nervous when he did that.

How does individual counselling help with marriage problems? Sorry if the sounds totally dense but I thought the idea was you went together to sort out your problems?

Even aside from the dv I know we have othe problems but there is also so much which is wonderful about him. I do wonder (and I know this makes me sound awful) if I just started the affair to 'get back a him' even though he'd never know. A sort of "you broke your promise so I am going to break mine". Childish I know but I have wondered that. Having said that I do also have strong feelings for OM, but I think if the dv hadn't have happened I would have been able to walk away from OM much easier.

[ivebeenverysilly]

Hi stellios, my dh isn't controlling or difficult generally.
Presumably there are lots of reasons why you don't want to leave your h?

[DontmindifIdo]

If your DH has been violent, I wouldn't recommend you tell him about the affair at all.

You need to end your relationship with OM (IMO you need to cut all contact for at least 6, probably more like 12 months in order to let yourself 'get over' it - after that there's a chance you could be friends, but probably highly unlikely)

At the moment, the affair is clouding your issues with your DH, I think you are probably feeling guilty and therefore not dealing with your marriage problems.

Another thing to think about, does OM know about your H hitting you? If so, think about this, he knows you are vunerable and rather than being a friend that you need, he's exploited that vunerablity. A friend after hearing your DH hit you would probably try to talk you into leaving him, but for your OM, as he has a W he's not leaving, I would suggest he really wouldn't want you to leave your DH as that would mean he is then the only one with something to lose and you might actually expect him to do something about his marriage.