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Ending my affair but still care about OM

(56 Posts)
ivebeenverysilly Sun 13-Jan-13 09:21:13

Firstly can I say I know what I've done is wrong, hurtful, selfish and immature. I'm only human and clearly have some big flaws. Flame me if you want but I am really looking for helpful advice.

I Met OM through a sports club last summer and became acquaintances. This gradually developed into friends and over the past 2 months we have been meeting up (behind our spouses backs) for coffee, dinner, talking. We have kissed on several occasions but not taken it further.

Cliched but we are both having problems at home. He has TOLD me he loves me (I'm under no illusions that he probably doesn't and is either saying this because he thinks he does or because he wants to take things further). However I cannot stop myself thinking that he is a genuinely nice bloke. I ended things with him on Friday night - many reasons but the main few are (1) people will get hurt because of our selfishness and I don't want that. (2) I can't deal with lying to my h. We have our issues but he doesn't deserve this. (3) I feel really disrespectful to his w who (from what I know) has her own issues too (who doesnt)but definitely doesn't deserve this. (4) the "emotional" affair bit I can get my head around easier but the fact he'd be quite happy to meet up in hotels for sex (I imagine from what he's said though he hasn't suggested) makes me think he's gutless. He tells me he hasn't had sex with wife for 7 months and I have told him flat I think that's bollocks but he is all 'I promise I'm not lying to you".

Now - my question is, is there any way we can still be friends as I genuinely care about him. When I told him I needed to end it he was upset and understanding in equal measure, said he needs to sort his life out, says he knows I deserve better etc etc. I have told him to put the energy he put into me back to his wife and do all he can to work on his marriage, see if he can fix it and really try. I've told him that me being in the picture won't help him do that. But he still wants to talk to me, text me etc and to be honest whilst I care about him I could do without being his marriage counsellor/steam let off person.

I am hurting too as I really liked him and he made me feel like I haven't felt for about 10 years (bearing in mind I've been with dh 8 yrs that isn't great). I know ending it is the right thing - to be honest I can't believe I even took it that far but we all make mistakes.

What can I do now to minimise the hurt to everyone but keep my friend? Or am I living in la la land?

nightcat Tue 29-Jan-13 15:45:32

I am trying to get over a guy using ALan Carr technique of picturing him in a distasteful/ugly/nasty situation every time thoughts come to my head, I keep reminding myself thoughts are in MY control and try and replace them with something better/different/more relevant to MY life. 2 months now and it's almost over.

ivebeenverysilly Tue 29-Jan-13 14:37:14

Well it's good to know it gets easier. I haven't found that at all yet. I hate it. I miss him and am miserable at home. I feel trapped.

blue and pinky - did you ever think you might be able to make it work with the OM? I am still at the stage where I think we would be really good together and that is the part which is difficult. I have also been wondering whether to read Shirley glass although no idea how I would get it in the house!

Pinkypoops Thu 24-Jan-13 22:08:15

Sorry, IBVS and Bluesky...been away for a week...... well, I guess I am about 6 weeks into the cold turkey so not as far along as I seem!!
I go through days where I still find it very very hard and yes, Bluesky, so tempting to just quickly check in and see how he is!! Yet we know that it will just be SO counter-productive, don´t we??
I think I see things in a more objective light now and how impossible a future with the OM would be....but it doesn´t stop the feelings from sometimes resurging! :-( IBVS: I am nowhere out of the woods yet, but I have gotten over that initial knife to the chest feeling! Haha...is that any comfort?
If anything, apart from the fact I was very attached to this guy, I am not deluding myself I don´t think, and I recognise that a lot of it was the IDEA of him and what he represented,,,,The NEW, the EXCITING. An ESCAPE from the everyday humdrum, etc etc.
I think in part I am also mourning THAT......the glimpse of freedom that I had.
But this is perhaps a whole OTHER thread ..... one about the validity of marriage as a real happily ever after idea. Not convinced it´s really what I want for my next 40+ years on this planet :-( Ahhhh, now .....maybe I´ll just go and kick off another debate in a mo, shall I?....hee hee
How is it going with you two anyway??x

BlueSkybytheSea Thu 17-Jan-13 19:01:16

Been going through something very very similar so Pinky its good to know that the mist eventually clears. Like you I thought I could do the whole controlled friendship / contact thing but it just didn't work and was just wrong on so many levels.
I'm struggling though. Five ish weeks in and I am still bowled over by the strength of feelings that I still hold and the overwhelming urge to make contact in some way...which I'm not doing and won't do. It just hurts so much. I know I've done the right thing and am constantly reminding myself why this has to be, but damn it hurts so much.
Anyone know if the Shirley Glass book gives advice on this aspect of surviving and recovering from an EA? Waiting for it to arrive.
Its so hard but the only way. Especially hard for you

ivebeenverysilly Thu 17-Jan-13 15:53:51

How far into the cold turkey are you pinky?

Pinkypoops Thu 17-Jan-13 10:51:41

Yup, that´s right and it´s DAMN hard!! You will probably think about him constantly, want to check up on him via Facebook or wherever else you can access him....feel like a piece of you has been torn off...all that stuff.
Strong feelings can´t just disappear overnight!
But just know that you CAN do it and that it DOES get a whole lot better.
Time is your best friend!
I tried to do the same as you: end it but still keep in touch. One week in tears then a tweet, a Whatsapp message, an email and I was back to a full-on relationship again.
Then I realised it really had to end and so resolved absolutely NO contact and it worked but I felt like total crap for the 1st 3 weeks. Much better now :-)
It´s cold turkey time! Sorry!
Good luck xx

ivebeenverysilly Wed 16-Jan-13 15:17:02

Pinkypoops - good advice about the third week.
I have to just cut him out don't I. No coffees, no calls etc. nothing. He is someone else's husband and I am someone else's wife

ivebeenverysilly Wed 16-Jan-13 15:15:17

You're right. It hasn't really ended at all has it.
God I'm weak sad

badinage Tue 15-Jan-13 14:09:05

You haven't ended the affair if you're still in contact with him.

I'll tell you what's motivating the OM - and it's not friendship or love.

It's the prospect of some new sex and the feeling that he's rescuing a damsel in distress who's trapped in a violent, unhappy marriage. This all makes him feel like some sort of hero.

I doubt his wife would see it quite the same.

Look at this logically. He's shitting all over his wife and treating her like crap in order to rescue a woman whose husband he thinks is shitting all over her and treating her like crap.

Go figure how you can ever make that logic 'work'......

Pinkypoops Tue 15-Jan-13 13:36:17

These things happen to vulnerable people and I would never judge you for getting into the situation but well done for ending it- that takes huge strength! What I would say, is that your hormones/infatuation/whateveryoucallit are clouding your perspective (I am speaking from having gone through a similar experience) at the moment. If you manage to keep your distance for just a few weeks and busy yourself with your real life again, you will probably find when the "love-mist" clears, that you see him more objectively and will find he is not half as sweet as you think!
You will probably find, he has NO longterm interest in friendship with you and once he knows sex is never on the cards, he´ll vanish pretty fast....my guess anyway FWIW.wink
Stay strong and keep away. It will get easier after about the third week, if not sooner.
Good luck xx

dequoisagitil Tue 15-Jan-13 09:42:45

He's a distraction, love, he's not the answer.

It's far easier to fill your head with romantic frissons about this OM than it is to actually face up to what's going on in your marriage. You're avoiding reality by indulging in this EA.

I'm not unsympathetic, by any means, but you would be better dealing with your marriage.

If the EA comes out, it will likely be seen by your dh as evening out the abusive behaviour, and maybe you'll even see it that way too - maybe rather than it becoming an exit affair you'll end up feeling you have to keep going in a marriage where something has died. Please sort out what you want, whether you can fix the marriage (I rather think not) and move forward from there.

ivebeenverysilly Tue 15-Jan-13 08:43:42

Maybe that's true. I do believe what he says though. Maybe I am being a mug.
We spoke yesterday. I know - I need to cut him out - stupid me

badinage Mon 14-Jan-13 14:51:22

My guess is that this bloke is professing undying love and exaggerating wildly about everything because he hasn't yet had a shag. Once he has, just watch those feet getting colder......

Agree about sports clubs.

LessMissAbs Mon 14-Jan-13 14:44:29

Do you want to leave your husband? Have you discussed OM leaving his wife? Just to see how he reacts to that suggestion? Because thats a better solution than "being friends" - as pointed out above, you are not friends, and if you do genuinely care for each other more than your current spouses, then you will find a way to make it work.

What is it about men in sports clubs? Is this a sport both of you are quite keen on/compete in? I do triathlon, which involves running, cycling and swimming, and from since I started aged 21 right up until now in my late thirties, have been literally plagued by annoying married men "whose wives aren't interested in sport". Why the fuck don't they bloody marry a woman interested in the same things as them then? Sorry to hijack your thread OP! But be wary of the sort of man who likes the nice little quiet wife at home and who also likes a bit on the side in their secret life that the wife isn't allowed to be involved in.

badinage Mon 14-Jan-13 14:22:07

In truth, there's too much going on here for you to see anything clearly.

You'd already met this bloke when your husband hit you and we've all said this was never a friendship but an affair in the making, so although racking it up a notch might have been a punishment I don't think it's as neat and tidy as you're suggesting. Similarly, I doubt that the coldness towards sex with your husband is entirely because of the violent episode. Seeing as most women having an affair go off sex with their husband, the affair's responsible for most of that I'd have thought......

Contrary to others, I do think that bad medication can induce someone to behave out of character and if there was no violence before or since he got that fixed, it looks more likely that it was the medication and not the man himself.

It's possible though that something would have died in your anyway after your husband hit you and I'd understand that. But you were already heading towards an affair when that happened, so you've just muddled your own waters and your powers of rational thought.

I agree with whoever said that the OM is no friend if he's having an affair with a woman whose husband has been violent. I also think he's probably exaggerating the unhappiness in his marriage.

Your best way of having any clarity at all about your marriage is to have no contact at all with the OM. Same for him, really.

If you separate this one-off incident from everything else you say about your husband, it sounds like your marriage could be saved.

Do go for counselling on your own though, but remember you'll sabotage it if you stay in contact with the married man and that will be a huge waste of time and money.

Natmu Mon 14-Jan-13 13:28:29

You can be referred for counselling through your GP (free) or you can google for private ones in your area (not sure how much this costs) or if you work in public sector sometimes you can get some sessions through occupational health department (also free).

Your situation sounds horrible OP. I hope you find the right solution for you soon. <Hugs>

Narked Mon 14-Jan-13 13:14:02

You know there are lots of lovely men out there who would never hit their partner or lie to them and cheat on them. You might want to think about being single for a while and then meeting one of them.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza Mon 14-Jan-13 13:05:02

Medication did not make him hit you. I'm so sorry.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza Mon 14-Jan-13 13:04:25

If your husband isn't serious enough about counselling to sort it out himself, even after promising he would, whatever you arrange for him will not be enough.

It would be a great idea for you, though. Have you spoken to Women's Aid?

ivebeenverysilly Mon 14-Jan-13 12:47:00

He's changed medication after discussing with doctor

ivebeenverysilly Mon 14-Jan-13 12:46:37

H isn't doing anything apart from being nice and trying to be a good eg. Housework etc but we haven't really talked about it since. He talked about counselling at the time and I said go for it but he never did.

This sounds so dumb but do I just google - counselling - to find someone to see or is it a relate type company I look for?

PeppermintPasty Mon 14-Jan-13 12:18:51

What is your H doing about sorting this out? You say he's working very hard on it, would he go for some counselling on his own? And the medication, I may have missed this, but what is it for and could he change it/come off it?

However, I'm more concerned with you-counselling for you (on your own) may help you sort out all the questions in your head to help you see where you go from here.

ivebeenverysilly Mon 14-Jan-13 12:10:17

That's part of the issue - I dont want to be physical with him anymore. A hug is one thing but anything passionate feels violent. He not into violent sex or anything but it just doesn't feel right. I have been having sex with dh - mostly me initiating to be honest as I thought if I just got on with it, it would be ok. I know that sounds crazy.

I also wonder whether I don't want to be physical anymore because I want to be physical with OM.

AnyFucker Mon 14-Jan-13 12:06:09

This man has hit this woman. "Make sure your partner gets plenty of loving" is fucking awful advice.

AnyFucker Mon 14-Jan-13 12:05:12

There is no "should" where OP's husband is concerned either.

No man (husband, partner, potential OM, God's Gift to Womankind) "should" get sex from anyone.

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